Abbey had barely stepped into their hotel bedroom when she felt Jed grab her by the waist and spin her around in his arms. If he hadn't planned on 'pouncing ' on her earlier, he was certainly making up for it now. His lips were on hers in a flash and for some reason it felt like he had eight hands and they were all over her body, pulling at her clothes and squeezing her flesh. She had known this was coming. This was the way Jed was after a major performance. He fed off the enthusiasm and adulation of the crowd, his adrenaline still pumping furiously through his veins and he was horny as hell. His way of expressing his enthusiasm was very sexual in nature, but unlike a rock star coming off the stage to groupies, he jumped in his wife the first chance he got. Usually Abbey got into it, even looked forward to it with anticipation all night. She loved her it when her husband was in a take charge mood, loved it when he made her surrender to his will just as much as when she made him to surrender to hers. However, tonight she had not been looking forward to this, sex had been the last thing on her mind.

Still, when Jed slipped her earlobe between his lips and began to suckle on it as his hands moved up her back to work the clasp on her bra, she arched into him with a soft moan of pleasure. Jed flung the bra across the room, his big hand covering her warm soft breast. His thumb began to move across her nipple and Abbey pushed her chest harder against that kneading hand. Her fingers had just moved to his belt when she felt Jed step abruptly back from her, his hand still on her breast.

He was frowning down at her. "Abbey, what's this?"

"Hmm…" It took her a moment to come out from the haze of passion. Her eyes fell to where Jed's tanned fingers lay in sharp contrast to the paleness of her breast, just to the left of her nipple. The implication of those fingers was not lost to her and her eyes lifted to his. What she saw in his eyes took her breath away. It was fear, stark fear.

"Abbey… honey, it feels like a lump." His voice was concerned, tender.

Oh, God, he didn't think she knew.

"It's nothing, Jed. It's okay." She tried to reassure him but her voice was quivering.

"You KNOW about it?" He looked up at her with surprise.

"I found it when I was doing my monthly self exam." She couldn't believe she was speaking so calmly, she wanted to rage, to cry, and to throw herself into Jed's arms.

"And Bill said it was nothing?"

Here it came. Abbey braced herself for her husband's outburst. "I don't know."

"You don't know? You haven't gotten the results yet? How could you keep this from me?" Dead silence filled the room. "Abbey, tell me you've had this checked out."

Too choked up to speak Abbey merely shook her head negatively.

Jed stepped back as if she'd just slapped him. "JESUS CHRIST!" There it was; the explosion. Fear and anger coming together in an uncontrolled outburst. "How long have you known about this!"

"Not long, Jed, I swear. I didn't find it until after my follow up."

"DAMMIT WOMAN, how many times have you drilled it into my head, early detection, early detection, EARLY DETECTION!"

"Jed don't yell at me!" She grabbed the first thing she could find to cover herself. It was Jed's dress shirt. Tears blurred her eyes as she began to button it. "I'm scared, okay, I'M SCARED!" Abbey's head lifted and Jed's anger completely deflated, his heart twisting with anguish at the tears that trailed down her cheeks. He grabbed her harshly and pulled her into his arms holding her head tightly against his chest, feeling her small body shuddering and the warmth of her tears on his bare skin.

"It's okay, sssh…It's okay, sweetheart, everything's going to be okay." The harshness was gone, replaced by the soothing tones of comfort. "I'm sure it's nothing, Abbey. But you have to have it checked out. Make an appointment with Bill tomorrow."

"I can't."

"What do you mean, you can't? This is not something you can wait on."

"I have to. We have the bus tour and…"

"FUCK the bus tour, Abbey. For Chrissake this is a helluva a lot more important than some stupid bus tour."

"I'll do it after the tour."

"You'll do it tomorrow." Jeds voice was firm with resolve. "You can't put this off."

"Jed if I fly back to New Hampshire tomorrow the press is going to be all over it."

"I don't care what the press has to say about it."

"BUT I DO" the torment in those three words was not lost on Jed and they stopped him in his tracks as he waited for clarification. "Don't you see? If the press gets hold of this it will be on the front page of every newspaper and tabloid. They'll be speculating on my chances of survival, wondering if they can spot reconstruction surgery, waiting to get a picture of me with my hair falling out from chemotherapy. I couldn't stand that, Jed." She sat on the edge of the bed her face in her hands.

"Abbey" He said her name softly, his voice laced with emotion. "You're getting way ahead of yourself here. You don't even know if it's cancer. It could be nothing. Most of the time these lumps turn out to be nothing, right?"

Abbey nodded at him through her tears. "But what if it isn't nothing?"

"Then we'll cross that bridge when we get to it and we'll cross it together. I can't believe that you kept this from me, that you kept these fears to yourself." He wiped away a tear with his thumb.

"I couldn't tell you, Jed. I couldn't ruin this time for you and I suppose I knew you'd make me go home and have it checked out."

"And you'd be right. We'll fly out tomorrow and…"

"You can't."

"What do you mean I can't?"

"We may be able to find some plausible reason for me to go home, but if you go they'll know something big is up. You don't just abandon a major campaign trip like this for nothing."

"I don't want you going alone. We'll call your mother."

"No. I don't want to upset her or the girls until we know something for sure."

Jed started to mention Jane's name but bit it back at the last moment. Abbey certainly didn't need to be reminded at this time that Jane had been through this before with Patricia, and that Pat had lost her battle with breast cancer. "Millie?" He said instead.

"Millie's in Europe at that conference, remember?"

"CJ could go with you."

"CJ needs to be with you. She's your press secretary and you're going to be getting a lot of press."

"I don't want you going through this alone."

"Trust me, Jed. It's better this way; I can fly in under the radar more easily if I'm by myself. But, I won't be alone. You're just a phone call away."

Jed nodded. He didn't like it, but Abbey's plan had some logic to it. " I feel so helpless, Abbey. What can I do to help you?"

"Hold me," she told him as she nuzzled in closer to his warm torso. "Just hold me all night and tell me that everything's going to be okay, that nothing will change."

"It won't Abbey. This won't change anything." He kissed the top of her head and did as he was asked. He held her all night, but both of them knew that if she did have" cancer damn near everything was going to change for their entire family.

****

"You asked to see me, ma'am?" CJ poked her head into the suite.

"Yes, come in. CJ. I need your help with something."

"Anything."

"I need you to let the press know that I'm going back to New Hampshire this afternoon."

"You're not coming on the bus tour? It was all worked out. What happened?"

"I called Dr. Stewart."

"The doctor who did your appendectomy?"

"Yes, he's willing to tell the press that he felt the bus tour might be a little too much for me and that I am seeing a physician in NH to follow up on my surgery."

"He's willing to say this?" She frowned. " So that means you aren't really seeing a physician for that."

"No." Abbey took a deep breath and looked CJ straight in the eye. "I'm going to see my personal physician because I found a lump in my breast."

CJ stared at her in shock. "Oh, Abbey." She let out her breath. " I…I don't know what to say. I'm sorry." She reached her hand out to the smaller woman who sat before her.

Abbey nodded through the lump in her throat but managed to keep her composure. "It could just be nothing but Jed found it last night and he went ballistic because I'd kept it from him."

"Of course he did. Abbey, you're a doctor, you know how important early detection is."

"I guess I didn't want to face it. I didn't want to face what might happen to me."

"Will they do a mammogram?"

"Yes, and if it looks suspicious probably a biopsy."

"Is there anything that I can do?"

"Keep the press off my tail, PLEASE".

CJ noted the pleading look in Abbey's eyes.

"I'll do the best I can. Who knows about this ma'am?"

"Other than the doctors involved, just me, Jed, and you. I'd like to keep it that way."

CJ nodded sympathetically. "You know I'm here if you need to talk, or even just to vent."

"I'll keep that in mind, thanks CJ.

****

After meeting with CJ, Abbey went into the bedroom to change into a "First Lady" suit in which to travel. As she slipped her shirt over her head and tossed it toward the hamper she caught a glimpse of her figure in the mirror and moved closer as if transfixed. She stood for a long moment eyeing the way her full breasts filled out the flimsy, very feminine, lavender bra. On their own volition her fingers lifted to touch the silk and begin to run slowly over the lacy edge then sliding up underneath to weigh her breast. The feel of her hand brought with it the feel of Jed's and the reverent way he would lift and weigh and knead her. The way he would nuzzle and suckle at her as if he could never get enough. But more than his hands it was his words that haunted her.

'You're so perfect, Abbey, so perfect." How many times had he said that to her? ' Okay, son, enjoy them now, but pretty soon you're going to have to share them with me.'…"ABIGAIL, you're breasts are magnificent, tell me Mr. President was it her magnificent breasts that attracted you to Abigail in the beginning?'…'Oh, Abbey, your breasts ARE magnificent.'… ' Jesus, Abbey, you have a body made for sin." On and on it went.

How much longer was he going to want to 'sin' with her? How was she going to stand it if he looked at her with repulsion rather than desire? How was she going to stand it if he stopped wanting her?

Jed stood silently in the doorway, watching her, knowing deep inside what she was thinking and not sure how to reassure her. It was when he saw the twin tears trailing down her cheeks that he moved forward and placed his arms on her slender shoulders.

"No matter what happens, I'm always going to love you and want you."

"You don't KNOW that." She whirled around on him. "You don't know what it's going to LOOK like. I'll lose my hair." She yanked on a strand of long silky hair knowing how much he loved to run his fingers through it and ball it up in his fists when he made love to her. "And HERE," she flattened a palm over her breast. "All there will be is a big shiny SCAR. What's going to happen when I'm not so PERFECT for you anymore."

"Perfect?"

"You say it over and over when you make love to me. Hell, you were just saying it in Maine when you came to me in the bathtub. Well, if I have a mastectomy I sure as hell won't be perfect."

"But you'd be alive and that's all that matters."

"Is it? Do you know how many women I know whose husbands left them because they lost their breasts?"

"You think I'd LEAVE you?" He stepped back from her, pain and confusion deeply etched in his face. "After all these years you honestly think that I'd leave you because of this?"

She realized that she'd deeply hurt him with that accustion. "No," she admitted, reaching out to tenderly run a finger over his jaw. "But I couldn't bear it if you stayed with me out of an obligation or because you vowed to love me in sickness and in health till death us do part. I only want you to be with me, to stay with me, because you WANT to, never because it's the morally right thing to do."

Jed shook his head. "Abbey, I fell in love with YOU, not your breasts. I'm not going to lie; I love your breasts. I love all of you, and if it comes down to it I'll mourn the loss of that breast with you, but if that was all I wanted I could have had plenty of tits over the years. I had co-eds throw themselves at me at Dartmouth and in Washington it was political groupies, that isn't news to you. But I didn't want that; I wanted YOU, ALL of you.

Abbey nodded, well aware of her husband's appeal and the fact that he had never strayed. "Maybe I'm being punished."

"Punished? For what? And by whom?"

"By God. For my vanity."

"Your vanity?"

"I LIKE how I look in low cut dresses and I like how YOU look at me in low cut dresses. I LOVE that there are times you lose your train of thought because your eyes are on my chest. I like to buy sexy lingerie because it makes me feel alluring and beautiful and because the way you look at me in it makes me feel so incredibly desirable. That's pretty damn vain if you ask me, and vanity is a sin, after all."

"You're human, Abbey, just like the rest of us and I think that you are beautiful and alluring and desirable no matter what you are wearing or doing. It's not just your cleavage, or your legs, as great as they may be. It's the whole package, brains, brass, body, and to be honest, most of it is attitude."

"Attitude?"

"Yes. There is an aura of sexuality about you that comes through even when you're doing something as simple as reading a book. THAT is what makes men turn their heads when you walk into a room. Your breasts don't make you who you are."

"But they DO," she insisted. "At least part of who I am. They are part of my sexuality and more than that, my femininity. They're part of what makes me a woman. Do you know what it felt like when my milk would let down and they would swell until they ached? The pride that I took in being able to nourish all of our children from my own body? These breasts are more than just for show, or for your enjoyment. "

Jed nodded, he'd love to watch her nurse their children and had, in fact, been nourished himself a few times.

"And what if I lose that attitude you say that I have. I know some of those men who leave their wives after mastectomies aren't just selfish bastards who were repulsed by the disfigurement. There has to be more to it than that. I know that I feel my sexiest when I'm feeling good about myself and when I feel that I'm looking good. What if I never feel sexy again?'

"You will."

"You sound very sure of yourself."

"Because I am. If you don't feel sexy I know how to make you feel sexy." He gave her a lascivious grin that caused her to smile through the tears. Damn if he didn't always have a way of doing that. "Besides, I think this has been an entirely moot conversation. Deep in my heart I know there is nothing wrong with you."

"Just don't go too deeply into denial, Jed. I'm going to need you if this is cancer and the kids are going to need you as well."

Jed nodded and took her hand. "You can count on me sweetheart. I'm here."

"That's about the only thing that's getting me through this right now." She lifted his hand and kissed the back of his fingers.

****

Abbey arrived at the colonial farmhouse that had been her home for most of her marriage with a feeling of relief and pain. In spite of the fact that the farm had been in Jed's family for a couple hundred years, it truly was THEIR home. They had put their stamp on it early, determined to make it theirs. It was filled with furniture, carpets and artwork that they'd picked out together. Their books, along with their children's, lined the many bookshelves. Family pictures were everywhere. This place had been her oasis from many a storm. It was the place where she could relax away from the bustling chaos of working in a big city hospital. The place where she could wander the fields lost in grief and thought after losing a patient. It was the place that echoed with years of laughter and tears and arguments. It was quite simply, home, and for a brief moment Abbey allowed herself to wonder if this was where she would come to die. That morbid thought had come to her as she approached the refrigerator and saw the scribbled artwork Aislinn and Nicholas had created and she had so lovingly placed under magnets for everyone to see. Unbidden, the thought came to her that if she were to die, would they even remember her? It was like a kick to the stomach and it took her breath away. She sat for a long moment staring at the crayoned scribble marks through blurred eyes. Suddenly the warm memories of this house were more claustrophobic than healing and she made her way upstairs to change.

She threw on a pair of jeans and was just reaching into her armoire for a shirt when she remembered. She went to her suitcase and opened it, pulling out the gray T-shirt Jed had worn to bed the previous night. She had pulled it out of the hamper when he wasn't looking and packed it with her clothes. She didn't want him to believe that she was anything but strong, but the truth of the matter was that she had never felt more alone in her life as she did right now. She slipped the shirt on loving how it overwhelmed her small frame enveloping her in Jed's scent. She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms comfortingly around her small waist wishing that Jed were there to hold her and knowing that he couldn't be.

Pushing all morbid thoughts aside, she grabbed some apples from the refrigerator and made her way to the barn where she visited with the horses. Aquinnah was at Harmony Point where they now kept the mare so she could ride her more often. But, Zoey, Annie, and Liz all kept their horses in this barn. Before long, she found herself making her way down to the pond.

The memories in this spot were just as profound as the ones in the house. She and Jed had spent so many great moments here. Family picnics and skating parties, political barbecues and children's birthday parties. They had taught their children to swim right off that dock and had sat on the same dock at sunset with feet dangling into the cold water while they watched deer and sometimes even a moose come nervously out of the woods for a drink. On warm summer nights when the kids were fast asleep they had come down here and gone skinny dipping under the soft glow of a full moon, the water silky and caressing and sensual. On days when they were able to sneak away they had made love in the warm fragrant grass under the sun with the breeze blowing over their bare bodies. Remembering those moments really brought it home to Abbey just how physical her love for Jed was. They used lovemaking quite often to express not only love, but also joy, happiness, excitement or even just to comfort the other.

She made her way to the far side of the pond, where a gurgling brook emptied into it. That was where the old park bench sat. It was the spot where Jed had proposed to her. The spot she had taken him to when she gave him his birthday present 20 years ago, a blue positive home pregnancy stick. That was the year she'd given him Zoey, the best birthday present he'd ever gotten, he'd told her. She ran her fingers over the heart that he'd carved out on it the first time he'd ever brought her up her, and over the initials JB&AON 4ever. They'd been so young then, so sure their love would last forever, could they truly have known that it would. Could that young girl she had been ever really know the strength and depth of the love that would grow over the years for the man that had become her other half?

She sat on the bench drawing her knees up under her chin, staring disconsolately over the water, the haunting calls of the loons that made their home on the pond every summer adding to her melancholy. When she had first moved here she had loved to sit out on the porch after dinner drinking her coffee and listening to the loons and the peepers. She loved the romantic notion of the loons mating for life and the lilting calls they made to each other. Then, one afternoon when they'd brought the kids down for a swim, they had found the female dead on the shore. The baleful calls of the male for his mate all day and night had broken her heart. Neither she nor Jed was surprised when they found the male dead a week later. A friend of Jed's at fish and game said they probably had a disease but the two of them were convinced that the male had simply died of a broken heart. The memory of that time brought back all of the thoughts Abbey had been having earlier. What would happen to Jed if she were to die? Would he have the strength to go on? Would the stress of her illness and death send him into secondary MS? Would he find another woman to love, and raise their children with her? Abbey choked back a sob just as she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Hello, Abigail."

Abbey turned with surprise to see her mother-in law standing beside her.

"Emily" she wiped at her eyes. "What are you doing here?"

"Jed sent me. He didn't want you to be alone."

"JED sent you?" Abbey was shocked. She was going to kill him. She didn't need to deal with Emily Bartlet on top of everything else.

"Yes, he did. After all, we may finally have something in common."

TBC...