It had taken Jed the better part of a couple of hours to fall asleep. He had tossed and turned and looked at the clock willing morning to come soon. So, he was not deeply asleep when he heard the musical tones of his cell phone.

"Mmm…Charlie, this better be good," he murmured sleepily. He frowned at the silence on the other line, then jolted fully awake when he heard a choked sob. "Abbey? Abbey is that you?"

"Oh, Jed. I'm scared. I'm so scared. I… I can't breath…I can't stop shaking. Please help me."

"Abbey? Baby, calm down." He tried to keep the anxiety out of his voice and spoke to her calmly and clearly. "It sounds like you're having an anxiety attack."

"I KNOW what it is," she snapped…"I just can't seem to make it stop Everything is just closing in on me. I'm so scared about tomorrow, Jed…What if…"

"Ssh…just relax, sweetheart. Don't worry about the what- ifs. Everything is going to be fine. YOU'RE going to be fine."

"You don't know that, Jed…You don't know that…" her breath was coming in short gasps now. Jed looked wildly at the clock, desperate to get to her and comfort her. It was 3 a.m.

"I do, Abbey. I know that in my heart. Oh, Abbey, sweetheart, let me come to you. I can be there by daybreak if we leave now."

"No, please don't, Jed. PLEASE. If you come you'll bring the entire press corps with you."

"I don't know what to do for you, Abbey." His hands were tearing through his hair with frustration. "I can't help you from way over here."

"Yes you can. Just talk to me. Please just talk to me. I need to hear your voice. Jed…I can't stop shaking."

"It's okay. You just need to relax. Just listen to my voice. Take a deep breath in through your nose, and let it out through your mouth. Just like when you were in labor." Jed could hear her breathing on the other end and knew that she was complying. "That's it sweetheart, inhale…and…exhale…you're doing great."

Abbey smiled through her tears. He always had been a great Lamaze coach, strong, calm, reassuring, and so tender that it never failed to make her heart swell with love for him. Before long Jed could tell that her breathing was more even and she was no longer sniffling.

"How are you doing, better?"

"Mmm…yes." Abbey had stopped shivering and her heart was no longer racing. It was then that she looked at the clock and realized that it was just after 3 a.m. With her newfound calmness came embarrassment and dismay at having bothered him. Night terrors were something he should have to soothe his children through, not his wife. "Jed, I'm so sorry for waking you up. I feel so childish, you have to be up in a just a couple of hours to get on the road and here I am keeping you up all night. I'm sorry."

"Abbey, don't apologize for needing me."

"I should have just gotten some warm milk, or even woken up your mother."

"NO." Jed's voice was adamant.

"What?"

"When you're alone and scared in the middle of the night you call ME. I'M the one you turn to, Abbey. I'll always be here for you."

"I'm sorry that I'm not dealing with this better."

"Abbey, I swear, if you apologize one more time I'm going to scream. You don't always have to be a rock, you know. Lean on me, let me help you."

"You do help me. Just hearing your voice helps me."

"I just wish that I was there to hold you. What else can I do?"

"You really want to help?"

"Anything."

"Read me one of your campaign speeches."

"Huh?"

"Talk to me until I fall asleep. I'll keep the phone up to my ear."

"Are you trying to tell me that my campaign speech is BORING?" He feigned outrage.

"Only when you've heard it 10 dozen times."

"Well, I happen to think that my speech is too exciting for bedtime material but I am in the middle of reading that McCullough book you gave me about John Adams' life. I could read that to you."

"That sounds fine."

And so, with the sound of her husband's wonderfully rich and distinctive voice in her ear, Abbey snuggled up to her pillow and was finally able to grow relaxed and drowsy enough to doze off into slumber land and a sleep that was blessedly devoid of nightmares.

Jed was not so lucky in that respect. The panic in his wife's voice and her tears had done him in. Guilt clawed at him for not being with her. He wished to God, that there was some way he could figure out to get home and be with her for the tests the following day, but no matter how many plans ran through his head the bottom line was that wherever he went the press would follow.

When Leo arrived at what Charlie referred to as the ungodly our of 5:00 a.m he entered the hotel suite to find Jed in his bathrobe, his head thrown back on the overstuffed chair, his glasses still perched on his nose and he was snoring softly. He frowned wondering why Jed was sleeping out here on the chair rather than in his bed. He moved forward to look at the manila folder that lay open on his lap wondering what was so all fire important that it kept him up all night.

"Cutting edge and alternative methods of treating breast cancer?" Leo muttered as he read the titles of the printed articles. Jed stirred at the sound of a voice thinking it was one of the kids. His papers scattered to the floor.

"Leo?" He said with surprise. "What are you doing here, aren't you supposed to be in Washington."

"Yeah, I came back to make sure this campaign doesn't derail."

"Derail?" Jed frowned. "What are you talking about, nothing's gone wrong."

"Maybe not, but nothing is particularly going right either. You were so inspiring at the convention, so filled with enthusiasm and passion and vision. What happened?"

"Nothing happened."

"I beg to differ. I have dozens of reporters who say that your head appears to be in the clouds at times and you are simply going through your speeches as if on autopilot. Most people wouldn't know, but the reporters know and they are starting to ask questions. You know what that means."

"No, Leo, why don't you enlighten me."

"They're going to start asking if you're sick."

Jed simply stared at him blankly.

"You're not, are you?"

"No, Leo, I'm not sick."

"Then what is it. It's bad enough that Abbey decided not to go on the tour, but now with you…"

"Leave Abbey out of this," Jed snapped.

Leo looked at him, understanding crossing his face. "You two had another fight, didn't you? That's why you can't concentrate and that's why she huffed off to New Hampshire."

"She didn't HUFF off to New Hampshire." Jed gave his chief of staff a long measured gaze. He'd made some decisions in the wee hours of the morning and he supposed he should tell Leo about them so that he could be prepared. "She's seeing a doctor."

"Is she having problems with the appendectomy?" Leo's irritation with her changed to concern.

"No, everything is fine with that. It's just…the other night after my nominating speech, when we got back here we were…you know… messing around and----"

"I think I've heard enough." It was still hard for Leo to deal with the feelings that he had for Jed's wife.

"No, you haven't. While I was…touching her…I found a lump in her breast."

"No." Leo's eyes widened with shock. Not Abbey, was his first thought, this couldn't happen to Abbey. "YOU found it? Christ." He nearly groaned aloud for the man. How would you tell your wife that you just found a lump in her breast?

"Yeah, I found it but she'd already found it during her monthly self exam. She just had her yearly mammogram a few months ago and nothing showed up. Dammit, I thought we were clear for another year."

"Well, just because you found a lump doesn't mean it's cancer, right?"

"Right."

"Then we shouldn't dwell on what hasn't happened yet."

"I have to, Leo. I have to be prepared. Abbey's taking this very hard, she's terrified, and I HAVE to be strong for her. She needs me. But, inside…Ah hell, I'm falling apart."

"I think she'd understand."

"No, if I fall apart then SHE'LL fall apart and she's hanging on by one fragile thread as we speak. She can't know just how scared that I am."

"But you are. Scared, I mean."

"Out of my wits. I can't lose her, Leo. It isn't fair. I'm the one with the chronic illness; I'M the one that's supposed to get sick. Not her. You know, she mentioned that she thought she was being punished by God for her vanity"

"Her vanity?"

"Because she enjoys looking sexy and takes pride in her body."

"That's ridiculous."

"Which is what I told her. But what if it is a punishment? What if I'm being punished for Shareef."

"You're NOT being punished for Shareef. First of all you did the world a favor by getting rid of him and second of all, aren't you the one always telling me that God doesn't work that way, that he doesn't punish us."

"I'm beginning to wonder. Growing up the nuns taught me to be afraid of a punishing God and that was the God that my mother believed in as well. It was through the youth group that I learned of the benevolent, loving God. But, now I'm beginning to wonder."

"Well, even if he was a punishing God, why would he do this to Abbey? Why take it out on her and make her suffer? You wouldn't hurt your daughter to punish your son, would you?"

"No, of course not."

"Then why would God. I'm not the best person to discuss religious philosophy with, but I do believe that if God truly wanted to punish you he'd just let you slip right into secondary MS."

"I never thought of it that way. I suppose you're right. It's just…I want something or some ONE to blame. I want to be angry and scream at how unfair it all is. But, there isn't anyone to take this out on. Shit like this just happens. You're going along minding your own business when life decides to come up and give you a good swift kick in the ass. What's the saying? Life's what happens when you're making other plans."

"And you have big ones."

"Yes, that brings me to why I broached this subject with you to begin with. I've done some pretty heavy soul searching this morning and I've come to a decision. If Abbey finds out that she has cancer I'm going to drop out of the race."

"NO." Leo looked stunned, as if Jed had planted a fist straight into his gut "You can't. It's too late. THINK about what you would be doing. You'd be HANDING the election to Ritchie on a silver platter."

"Do you honestly think that I care?" Jed was incredulous. "Well, of course I care, but there are some things that are more important than me being elected President."

"But---

"No buts, Leo. If this turns out to be cancer Abbey is going to need everything she has to fight that battle and so I am, and I'll tell you, my friend, it is not a battle that I intend on losing." The steely determination on Jed's face was almost frightening.

"Lots of women fight breast cancer and their husband's don't quit working over it."

"Their husband's aren't the President of the United States. I don't have a 9-5, I can rearrange my schedule around chemo visits, type of job"

"I guess not," Leo admitted.

" We also have two young children, Leo. They're going to need me almost as much as Abbey will. No, I know this is the right decision. I'll have to be there for my family and that comes FIRST."

"What about, Abbey? Do you honestly think that she's going to let you drop out? She's going to tell you she's strong enough to deal with this on her own."

"She probably will, but she won't fight me on this one. It's another reason that I think this is the right decision. Abbey hates being in the public eye all the time as it is. Do you know how demoralizing and hurtful it would be for her to watch her battle waged out on the evening news and on the tabloid covers? Do you have any idea how much she would hate for the public to be scrutinizing her to see if she is losing her hair yet, or if they can notice reconstruction surgery? I won't put her through that, Leo. I WON'T."

Leo nodded but his head was still reeling with everything that had just been thrown at him. He'd been so concerned about Jed quitting the race and what that would do to the party, he hadn't really thought about what it would be like for Abbey. Now it hit him like a ton of bricks. Abbey could die. She could actually die. That beautiful, vibrant, sassy woman could actually shrink away to nothing and slip out of their lives. He rubbed his fingers over his weary, burning eyes and sat back in a chair. When he re-opened them, Jed could see the pain, could see that he was thinking like a friend now, not a chief of staff.

"What if…" The words were hard for Leo to get out. "What if she loses her battle?"

Leo's words were a dagger to the heart and Jed looked away unable to share his anguish. He blinked away at the tears that pooled in his eyes but Leo could hear those tears in his choked voice. "I'm scared to death about that, Leo, but I can't let Abbey know just how scared I am. I have to be strong and reassuring for her and sometimes that is so damn hard. But, if that happens at least I'll know that I spent every last moment that I could with my wife, not in some situation room meeting and I won't have any regrets about that. But, that isn't going to happen, Leo. I won't LET that happen."

****

Abbey stood at the bottom of the steps that led up to a large white Victorian home in Manchester's elegant North end. The home had been renovated into doctor's offices and Abbey had been going there for years. She had some wonderful memories of this place, finding out that she was pregnant, hearing first heartbeats, and witnessing the miracle of an ultrasound when she could actually seen her babies moving around inside her body. She also had days when she dreaded coming here, mammograms, pap smears, there was always that fear of something turning up. But, never had she been more scared than she was now. Something WAS going to show up, it was just a matter of what exactly that something was. She took a deep breath, willing herself to calm down and enter the building with dignity. She felt Emily take her hand and squeeze it, and surprisingly there was comfort from that hand. If nothing else she knew that she was not alone

****

Jed was sitting at a diner somewhere around Seattle talking to voters, everyday people, which was something he didn't get to do all that often anymore. He was moving to another table when Charlie approached him with his cell phone His blood ran cold in an instant. He knew exactly who it was, even before Charlie uttered "Mrs. Bartlet."

Jed took the phone and made his way over to the hall and into the men's room where it was relatively quiet and private.

"Hi, sweets. How's it going." He tried for cheerful and upbeat but knew he'd come off flat.

"I had the mammogram." Her voice was shaky.

"And."

"And there was definitely something there. No surprise about that."

"Is it…"

"He can't tell from the mammogram."

"So what's next?"

"Biopsy."

Jed sank to the floor, his back still against the wall. Biopsy. The word held almost as many negative connotations as the big C did.

"Are you still there, Jed."

"I'm here." He cleared his throat of emotion. "When is he going to do it."

"Normally there would be a wait but since it's me he's going to do it this afternoon."

"What will he do, cut it out?"

"No, he's not going to do a lumpectomy. He'll just insert a needle into it and pull out tissue and fluid."

"And when will we know anything?"

"Well, usually it takes around a week."

"A WEEK!" Jed exploded. "They expect you to wait a week!"

"Most women have to, Jed. But, again, because it's me, he's going to rush the results through. I should have them tomorrow."

"Will you be okay to fly tonight? They won't sedate you or anything, will they?"

"No, it's a local. But, I'm not flying anywhere, Jed."

"Abbey, your testing is done. You can fly into Seattle tonight."

"I'm going to stay here for the results." She spoke softly, knowing what her husband's volatile reaction would be.

"Don't do this, Abbey." She had expected anger but what she received was misery.

"Do what?" She tried to sound flip, but in reality it was getting harder and harder to keep her emotions under control.

"Don't shut me out. You're already starting to shut me out."

"I'm not shutting you out, Jed. I just want to stay at the farm."

"You are shutting me out, sweetheart, and I'm NOT going to let you do it. Whatever happens, we are going to go through EVERY step of it together. EVERY damn step. And if that means having the Marines come in and drag you away from the farm and bring you back to me, then that's exactly what I'll do. I'm in this for the long haul, Abbey."

There was silence on the other line and Jed had no way of knowing if he had completely pissed her off, or if she was just resigned to what he would do. He thought she might hang up on him, he hadn't expected the sniffle.

"I love you, Jed." The words came out strangled, catching on a sob.

"I know you do, baby. And I love you and you're going to come to me tonight and I'm going to hold you in my arms all night and tomorrow we'll find out what we're dealing with here."

"Oh, Jed, I have to go. Bill's ready for me."

"Abbey, I WILL see you tonight, right?"

"Yeah," she smiled through her tears. "I'll see you tonight."

Jed stuck the phone in his pocket, his emotions overflowing, rage at the injustice of it all coursing through his veins.

"DAMN!" he exploded, kicking at the trashcan. It fell over, paper towels flooding the bathroom floor. "DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!" he continued to kick at the fallen receptacle his shoe connecting with satisfying smashing force.

"Sir?" Leo poked his head in with a frown.

Jed stepped back breathing heavily from his exertion. "They're doing a biopsy" He told him. "Ah Christ, Leo." He hit the back of his head repeatedly against the tiled wall.

"Have faith, my friend, have faith."

****

It was mid evening when Abbey arrived at the hotel in Seattle. She wasn't surprised to find Jed's suite empty. She hadn't been expected for another few hours, however, once the decision had been made that she was going to return to Jed, it seemed imperative for her to get back sooner rather than later and she had caught an earlier flight. She set her traveling bag down and made her way toward the bedrooms. She was exhausted, both emotionally and physically, and she was sore. Her breasts still ached from being so horribly manipulated and flattened for the mammograms, and the site where the needle had drawn the fluid and tissue throbbed. She knew the black and blue that had been left there was probably already yellowing.

Still, instead of heading toward the master bedroom, Abbey made her way toward the smaller one knowing that she would find her children sleeping there. She shushed Izzy, who was sitting in a chair reading a book by the glow of her reading lamp, and stepped over to the porta-cribs. Aislinn was sleeping in the one closest to the door and that was where Abbey stopped to gaze down on her. She was wearing pink shortie pajamas with a picture of "Belle" from Beauty and the Beast on her chest. A curl of blond hair fell over her forehead much in the same way it did on her father and Abbey tenderly brushed it back, gentle enough not to wake her. As she stood watching her innocent little daughter sigh and clutch at her stuffed animal in her sleep, Abbey's eyes began to well with tears. From the moment she had slid her fingers over her breast and felt the tiny lump to the left of her nipple, her primary concern had been losing her breast. It had been easier to focus and worry about that eventuality than it had been to think about the alternative. She had only allowed herself brief forays into the dark world of death but having the biopsy that afternoon had changed everything. Suddenly the scope of the disease she might have had grown in magnitude and she realized that losing her breast might be the least of her worries.

As she stared down at her beautiful daughter she remembered watching Pat fight her losing battle with breast cancer. Remembered the kerchiefs on her head, the dark hollow circles under her eyes, the gaunt skin over her face, her skeletal body as she had wasted away to almost nothing. She felt the tears slipping down her cheeks now but was unable to stop them. What was going to happen to her children if that happened to her? Who was going to cuddle them and sing them to sleep at night? Who was going to tell them just how special that they were? Who was going to soothe them when they were scared and make them feel better when they were sick? Who was going to sit down with Aislinn as she had with Elizabeth, Ellie, and Zoey and explain to her about the changes that were going to occur in her body and buy her the products she would need when she got her period? Who was going to explain to her where babies came from when she was 6 and about safe sex and intimacy when she was 10…Jed would…He'd been through all of it before, had shown he could handle it when he helped Ellie hrough her first period. The thought was somewhat comforting, that they would have a man like Jed to be both mother and father to them. But, and it was this but that caused her heart to race again and her hands to curl in a white knuckled grip on the crib rail; she might miss it all. Would she be there to help to potty train them and witness their first day at school? Would she live long enough to see them learn how to ride bicycles and make their first communion? Was she going to miss graduations and weddings and grandbabies? A cry of distress slipped through her lips and turned to flee from the room before she broke down in there completely.

CJ was just entering the suite when she saw the First Lady race through the room and out onto the balcony. She tentatively made her way toward the balcony and when she opened the glass doors she could hear Abbey taking loud gulping breaths of fresh air, forcing oxygen into her lungs.

"Abbey?"

Abbey turned to her, her face ravished with pain. "I don't want to die, CJ," she cried. " I don't want to die!"

To CJ's surprise the First Lady buried her face in her hands and began to sob. Harsh, gut wrenching sobs of the deepest anguish imaginable. CJ stepped forward and pulled the smaller woman into her arms. She had never seen Abbey like this and it was scary to watch a woman who was so strong so in control and sure of herself break down, all the walls and barriers completely gone. There was nothing CJ could say to make her feel better, she simply held her and stroked her back and let her try to get everything out of her system.

Abbey accepted the embrace and the comfort and continued to cry. She cried, as she had not allowed herself to cry since all of this had started. She sobbed at the unfairness, of what she might miss out on. She sobbed for herself, for her husband, and for her children.

When her sobs had finally faded into soft shudders she pulled back, slightly embarrassed and accepted the handkerchief CJ was handing her.

"Sorry about that, CJ. I don't usually…you know…come apart like that." She dabbed at her eyes.

"I think you needed it. Have you…talked to the President about how you feel?"

"He knows that I'm scared about a mastectomy. But, this is so hard on him, CJ. Jed is a fixer and he's got the ego to go with that. He thinks that he can fix anybody's problems, but he can't fix this. He can't make it better and that drives him crazy."

Both women looked up as they heard a door open and the sound of voices as the President and his advisors entered the suite. Abbey saw the look of surprise on Jed's face when he saw her and watched him turn to send the other's away

Jed watched Abbey open the door from the balcony and as she got closer he could see that her face was streaked with tears, her eyes swollen from them His heart froze and for a moment he couldn't breathe.

"Did you get the results already?"

"No" she shook her head negatively and continued to walk straight into his outstretched arms. He pulled her tightly against him, locking him to her, his nose buried in her hair. He felt her body tighten and pull back from him slightly. He knew what the problem was when he saw her lift her arms protectively over her breasts. Damn what an idiot he was, she was always sore after her mammograms, and he should have remembered that.

"Sorry, you're sore, aren't you?"

Abbey nodded. " I feel like my breasts are just one big bruise."

Jed pulled her back into his embrace, this time more gently. "Everything's going to be okay, everything's going to be okay." It had become a mantra to him, holding her, soothing her. It was at times like these that Jed truly noticed how small his wife really was. Fragile was not a term he generally used to describe Abbey, but tonight that was how she felt to him, small and fragile and scared. He tipped her chin to look into her bloodshot eyes. "Believe me?"

"Yes." She gave him a tremulous smile. He knew she was lying but he felt better hearing it.

****

The next morning Jed stood at the sink wearing just his pajama bottoms as he preopared to shave. Before he lathered his jaw with shaving cream, his hands moved over Abbey's toiletries that littered the counter top. He popped the lid of her deodorant inhaling the flowery scent that was so different from his spicier one. He powdered the back of his hand with her talcum powder enjoying the feminine scent that was Abbey. God it was good to have her back here. Having her across the country, unable to physically help her had been pure torture, but now that she was back he knew that they could handle whatever life hit them with. They could handle anything, as long as they were together. At least that was what he told himself.

Abbey re-entered the bathroom, her hair was still wet from her shower and she was barefooted, but she was already wearing the dark green skirt and cream colored sleeveless silk blouse she had chosen to campaign in. She grabbed her toothbrush and began to brush her teeth while she watched Jed lather up his square jaw. For some odd reason, she had always loved to watch her husband shave. There was something just so very masculine about it, and she loved how his skin smelled and felt after he was freshly shaven. She was rinsing her mouth with mouthwash when she heard the phone ringing in the suite.

"I'll get it," she told him. She wasn't concerned. She had been told she would be called with her test results later in the afternoon.

"Hello." She was smiling as she answered the phone.

"Hi, Abbey, it's Bill."

"Hi, Bill." Abbey swallowed and her heart began to pound in her chest. Feeling lightheaded, she sat on the chair next to the phone.

"Listen, I pulled a few strings and I got your biopsy result this morning."

"Oh…okay…thanks." Abbey was struggling to keep her breathing normal and herself under control, but she had started to shake again. "So, what's up? Do I have cancer? Is it malignant?"

"Abbey, is Jed there?"

Oh God, Abbey closed her eyes and sank back against the chair. It was bad news. It had to be if he wanted to make sure that Jed was with her.

"Yes," her voice was nearly a whisper, her throat so dry she couldn't swallow. "Jed's here. Tell me, Bill.

TBC...