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This Can't be the End
Chapter 8

Abbey awoke deep in the night. Her heart was racing, her nightgown stuck to her back and chest with perspiration. She reached for Jed wanting only to be held and comforted in his arms but he was not there. Jed was still in the hospital. And that's when she would realize her nightmares were based on reality. Nighttime was always the worst. During the day she was busy with Jed and working with the physical therapists to set up a room for him when he back to the White House. But, in the night, her demons came to haunt her. The nightmares were not always the same but they varied very little. They always started the same. The way things had actually happened, with her service agent waking her and the fast trip to GW. After that, it changed from dream to dream the only constant being that every time she got to that hospital she was told that Jed was dead. Sometimes when she was told, she would lose her baby. Sometimes she would see herself numb and broken beside John Hoynes while he took the oath of office. She saw herself standing by his coffin draped with the American flag while his body lay in state. On this particular night she was met at the door by a crying Leo who said, "I'm so sorry Abbey, their injuries were both too severe. Jed and Zoey are dead." and all that would go through her mind was no, no, NO!!! and she woke up this way filled with terror and a sense of loss so great it would make her sob even though she knew it wasn't true.

This nightly ritual, keeping her from sleeping, was starting to play havoc with her day, as if the pregnancy didn't make her tired enough. For the past week her fear for Jed had masked her own physical symptoms. Now they had come back with in full force. Her breasts were so tender it hurt to even sleep on her side, she was nauseous morning, noon AND night, and she was so tired she could actually fall asleep in the car to and from the hospital. There was nobody to commiserate with her. Normally she would complain to Jed, a little guilt never hurt considering he got all the fun and none of the hard part of carrying their baby, but he had enough on his plate with his own recovery. He didn't need to be worrying about her. The only other person around who knew was Leo and she could just imagine his face if she walked up to him and said,"Oh Leo, my breasts are killing me and I can't seem to stop puking." She was dying to tell Millie but she and Jed wanted to tell the family first and they wouldn't do that until he came home. So, she suffered in silence.

Zoey arrived at the White House later in the afternoon. She had been staying there ever since the shooting. She entered the residence to see her mother laying on the couch sleeping. A book was face down on her chest. There was a glass of ginger ale and a small plate of saltines on the coffee table beside her. Obviously she had not been feeling well. Zoey tried not to make any noise but Abbey soon stirred.

"Hey, Zo...how was school?" Abbey asked, yawning.

"OK...are you all right Mom?"

"Oh, I'm fine. Just a little queasy stomach."

"You don't usually sleep during the day. You seem awfully tired lately." Zoey hoped this would be the opening her mother would take to tell her about her pregnancy.

"I'm still catching up for all those days I didn't sleep." Abbey lied. Zoey looked at her disappointed. She didn't know why her mother was keeping this a secret from her.

It was just the two of them for dinner that evening and Zoey was very quiet. Abbey could sense something was not right with her youngest daughter.

"Zoey, is something wrong?" She asked.

"No...I'm OK."

"You've hardly touched your supper."

"Neither have you Mom," Zoey said almost accusingly.

"I told you earlier. I'm not feeling all that well."

"Yes...you did," Zoey said, standing up. "Well, I've got a paper to write. I'll be in my room."

"OK," Abbey said a bit puzzled by her daughter's behavior.

Zoey stayed up as late as possible hoping that in doing so she would be too tired to have that horrible nightmare she had been having since the shooting. She was typing at her computer keyboard, her eyes getting heavy until her head finally fell to her desk.

She heard the sound of firecrackers popping everywhere. People were screaming. Daddy was thrown in the limo. He was choking on his own blood. Daddy...Daddy...don't die...They are wheeling him into the trauma room. Doctors and nurses are all over him shouting out orders, tearing off his clothes, applying pressure to the blood gushing from his gunshot wounds. He was covered in blood. "We have no heartbeat. He's flatlined" and they all frantically work to jump start his heart. She sees his body jerk with the electric jolts. It is not working. They take a big needle and they inject a stimulant directly into his heart. This is where reality turns to nightmare. The monitor does not show the blips of a heartbeat. "We've lost him," the doctor says, "time of death, 10:03pm."

NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Zoey awoke drenched in sweat tears on her cheeks, her heart beating madly. It took her a few minutes to realize it was only a nightmare. That the injection really had started her father's heart again and he was alive and resting in the hospital. But, she couldn't shake her fear. She slipped on her robe and walked over to her parents' room needing that reassurance.

Her mother was asleep. Zoey stood by the bed and watched her sleep. It really scared her that her mother was pregnant. Even though she had only been four at the time, she remembered how awful it was at home after Peter's death. She remembered that when her father had brought her mother home from the hospital, she had gone straight into their bedroom and then hadn't wanted to leave. She remembered standing in the hallway with her sisters while they listened to the sounds of her crying. They could hear their father offering to run a bath for her, get her something to eat, help her to dress. "Please Abbey, please let me help you baby," he would say over and over. But all help was turned down by their grieving mother.

"You just have to give Mommy some time," Daddy had said. "She's very upset right now."

"Cause we aren't going to have a baby?" Zoey asked.

"Yes."

"Because he's in Heaven?"

"Yes," Daddy had said, running his hand over her cheek. "We just need to give Mommy some time to be sad and we need to give her a lot of love."

But, time wasn't working. Mommy didn't want to get dressed, she didn't want to go to work, she didn't cook their meals, or listen to their prayers at night. Mommy was gone and in her place was this silent, grieving stranger. Grandma Beth had come up to help Daddy, and Zoey overheard their whispered conversations about grief and depression and hormones. Zoey hadn't understood any of that. All she knew was that something was VERY wrong with her mother.

One morning while Daddy and Gran were making breakfast Zoey, opened the door to her parents' room. Daddy had opened the curtains that Mom kept shutting, and Mommy was laying curled on the bed staring at the wall.

"Mommy," Zoey said tentatively. She stood there with her thumb in her mouth something she hadn't done in two years.

"Zoey, whats wrong?" Abbey asked tiredly.

"Mommy, don't you love us anymore?"

"What?" Abbey asked sitting up. "Why would you say such a thing?"

"Cause you said you had enough love for a new baby and all of us. But, now that there isn't going to be a new baby, you don't care about us anymore."

"Oh Zoey honey, that isn't true. I love you and your sisters and your Daddy more than anything in the world. Come here sweetheart," she pulled Zoey into her arms.

"Then why don't you want to be with us anymore?"

"Oh Zoey...I do...It's hard for me to explain. You know when you want something really, really bad and you're very excited about getting it...and then something happens and you don't get it. That's kind of how I feel. I was very excited about the new baby...and it got taken away. And because of that...oh Zoey....I'm just so very, very sad," she began to cry softly.

"Did you love the new baby more than us?"

"No, sweetheart...I couldn't love anyone more than all of you. I love you, Liz, Ellie, and Daddy with all my heart and I'm so sorry if I haven't been showing you that."

A half hour later Abbey had showered and dressed and walked downstairs. Jed was dishing out pancakes to the girls when he looked up to see his wife standing in the archway. His look of surprise turned to a smile of pure relief and happiness.

"You got enough for me?" Abbey asked, moving forward to take her customary place at the table.

"Always enough for one more," Jed said, reaching out to take her hand. Abbey mouthed the words "I'm sorry", the pain evident in her eyes. "I love you," Jed mouthed back.

"Girls, I'm really sorry for the way I've been these past couple of weeks," Abbey said. "I didn't mean to shut you all out."

"It's cool, Mom," Elizabeth said. "Dad explained it to us. He said you would come around in time. We just had to be patient and let you be sad."

"Well, I love you all very much and, even though I am still very sad, everything is going to be OK now," she squeezed Jed's hand.

***

Zoey watched the steady rise and fall of her mother's breathing hoping she wouldn't have to go through that again. Abbey stirred and opened her eyes.

"Zoey? What is it honey?" She asked.

"How did you know I was here?"

"Mothers always sleep with one eye open. You know that. What's wrong?

"I had a nightmare."

"About the shooting?"

"How did you know?"

"Oh sweetie, I think I share the same nightmare. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No. Can I just lay with you?"

"Of course." Abbey lifted the blankets and Zoey crawled in like she had as a child.

"You really should talk to your Dad about this," Abbey said, stroking her hair. "You two really shared that moment. Maybe you can help each other."

"Maybe," Zoey said and began to drift off to sleep.

Zoey was up at the crack of dawn, still feeling the residual effects of her nightmare. She decided to cut class and go to the hospital. She had to see for herself that her father was OK.

Jed awoke to see his daughter sitting staring at him.

"Hey Zoey. Are you here alone?"

"Yes," she said nodding with tears in her eyes.

"What's wrong...is it Mom?" He asked urgently, thinking the worst. He would never forgive himself if the stress from all this caused her to lose the baby.

"No, Mom's OK. It's just...every time I go to sleep I have the same nightmare. It's the shooting over and over again. Everything is exactly how it was except that well..."

"What?...Except what?" he asked, reaching out to take her hand.

"Except in my nightmare you die...," she began to cry.

"Oh Zoey, I'm fine now."

"Do you remember any of it?"

"Some. I remember the feeling of being shot, I remember being in the limo. After that, not much."

"I ran away from CJ and stood in the doorway of your trauma room. You were dying, Daddy. When they brought you in, you were bleeding everywhere, your heart wasn't beating. They tried three times but they couldn't get your heart beating. You were dying and I was all alone. They had to stick this huge needle right into your heart to get it started again." Zoey began to cry, laying her head on her father's arm.

"God Zoey, I didn't realize. I didn't know you saw all that," he said through his own tears while he stroked her hair. "Did you talk to Mom about this?"

"Briefly. I didn't want to get into the actual nightmare. She's having her own nightmares. And...and I didn't want to add to her stress. I know about the baby, Dad. I overheard Uncle Leo asking her about it."

"Was there a problem?" He asked worried.

"No. He was just checking up on her."

"How do you feel about it?"

"Scared, I guess"

"I know, I feel the same."

"She wasn't feeling well yesterday afternoon. I think she is having some morning sickness. I tried to get her to tell me about it but she wouldn't. Why are you guys keeping it such a secret?"

"There is no nefarious plot, Zoey. We just wanted to tell you and your sisters together. Hell, I just found out myself a few days ago."

"Well, I've been worried about her and these nightmares."

"I think you and I are going to have some nightmares about this for some time. I think we all will. Maybe if we talk about them, they will go away."

"Have you had any?"

"Quite a few," Jed admitted. "But in mine, it is you who is shot and I can't save you. Or, Mom is with us, and she is shot and she dies in my arms. I even had one in which you were all with me. All my girls and all my staff were gunned down in front of me. I was the only one not shot and I just kneeled there with all your bodies around me praying for the bastard to keep shooting and take me with you all."

"That's awful Dad," Zoey said, taking his hand, and father and daughter locked eyes with the camaraderie of shared pain.

TBC...

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