Abbey awoke slowly with the same queasy feeling she had been having for a few weeks now. She lay next to Jed willing herself not to throw up. She turned to look at her still sleeping husband and wondered how she was going to tell him that she was pregnant. She had known for three days now about the new inhabitant in her belly but Jed had been down in Atlanta at a DNC yearly meeting and she hadn't been able to tell him. Truth to tell, the poor man had no idea that she had even suspected anything about this little surprise. Jed knew her menstrual cycle as well as she did, but either she or he had been gone on speaking engagements regularly so the fact that she had missed her period would not have been as noticeable to him as it had been in the past. Even with all the typical pregnancy symptoms she had exhibited and knowing thanks to week in the Far East without birth control it could definitely be possible, she herself had been still been stunned when Dr. Mia Brant confirmed that she was indeed carrying a child. Now it was time to figure out how she was going to tell her husband. She had already decided that tonight would be the night since he didn't have anything planned after his town meeting other than drinking a beer and watching a softball game. She placed her hand over her still flat belly with a combination of excitement and trepidation, still unable to believe that another baby was really growing inside her womb. She glanced back over at Jed, hoping and praying that he was not going to be angry about this child's existence. She sat up tentatively, realizing right away what a big mistake that was when her nausea rose and overwhelmed her. She placed her hand over her mouth and ran to the bathroom.

At the sound of his wife retching, Jed padded over to the bathroom barefooted and stood in the doorway, watching Abbey braced over the toilet.

"You're sick again?" He asked with concern.

"Jed, you scared me" Abbey jumped. She was not ready to have this conversation yet. Jed was usually gone before she awoke so it had been easy to keep her morning sickness hidden. But, her morning sickness was now starting to become morning, noon, and night sickness and he had caught her throwing up just last night when he got home.

"Yeah, I think I'm coming down with something," she lied. "I don't think I'll be able to go to the town meeting tonight."

"That's OK," he said, handing her toothbrush to her. "You look so tired, hon. Stay in bed and get some rest. Maybe Zoey will want to come." Jed helped his pale wife back into bed and tucked her in. "You picked a good time to be sick. When I get home, I can take care of you."

Abbey smiled wanly at him as he kissed the back of her hand and moved to begin to get ready for work. Oh Jed, she thought, please think this is good thing, please. She didn't know how she was going to deal with this if he was furious about it. He loved babies, loved children, but would he love it now at this point in their lives?

+++++

Abbey lay back on the couch ostensibly reading a book, but really watching Jed change his shirt for the town meeting. She couldn't understand why this feeling of dread had overtaken her. She felt like a black cloud was hanging over them and that there was something she should tell him. Something that she should warn him about. He was so happy, so boyishly bouncy tonight. He always loved a good intellectual exchange and debate and was very energized for tonight's town meeting. He especially liked talking to young people; it brought out the professor in him. God, he had been a good teacher, caring, compassionate, and committed. His students had loved him. She also knew the downside of that, of the crushes his female students had developed on him. But he had learned how to deal with that as well. She knew that he was really happy that Zoey was going with him. He loved spending time with their daughters and took every opportunity to do so. He was also elated to finally have an evening off to just hang around the residence watching TV and doing nothing. So, why did she feel this strange sense of foreboding, a feeling of apprehension that gnawed at her and brought tears to her eyes?

"Well, I'm off," Jed said, kissing her forehead. "You sure you're ok?"

"I have about 25 people to wait on me hand and foot, I'm fine."

"All right then. I'll see you when I get back. Love you," he kissed her forehead.

"Love you too," she said although her mind was screaming for him not to go. But, she didn't warn him. She let him go, out the door and out of her life.

++++

"Mrs. Bartlet...Mrs. Bartlet." The voice was breathless, the hand pushing her shoulder urgent.

"H'mm...what?" Abbey asked startled, but still sleepy. It was Oscar, one of her agents. "Not another security breach," she groaned, "I'm too tired to deal with that tonight."

"No, ma'am, it's not a security breach. We have to get you to GW now. The President and your daughter have been shot at." Ice immediately took the place of blood in Abbey's veins, her heart stopped beating, and she couldn't breathe. The room began to fall out of focus. "Ma'am?" Oscar questioned with concern.

"A...are they alive?" Her voice was small, unnaturally high with fear.

"I don't really have any details. I know the President was hit. I'm not sure about Zoey."

"Give me a minute, please." She got to her feet racing to her bureau to throw out clothes to change into, willing herself not to break down. Don't lose it Abbey, she told herself, don't lose control. Because she knew that if she allowed herself to lose a shred of control, she would never regain it again.

+++++

Abbey sprinted into the hospital emergency trauma unit. She saw all the black coated Secret Service agents guarding vigilantly outside a trauma room and knew that was where she would find Jed. She approached the doors of the room seeing dozens of doctors and nurses working on her husband's lifeless form. She was a surgeon; she knew this sense urgency and barely restrained panic in the doctors' voices meant that Jed was dying. He was covered in blood and the doctors were splattered with it. Oh God Jed, she thought, why did I let you go? Why didn't I warn you? The urgent doctor's voice brought her back to the present.

"Let's shock him again. One, two, three." Abbey jumped at the shock wave that jolted her husband's body.

"We're still flatlined."

"Come on, Mr. President. Fight." The doctor was pleading with his patient as he injected a needle of stimulants directly into Jed's heart to try to get it pumping again. Abbey gripped the edge of a chair trying to take deep breaths so that she wouldn't pass out and praying at the same time.

At that moment, a gurney holding Zoey was brought out of one of the other trauma rooms and Abbey approached to see how her daughter was doing. However, as she got closer, she watched as a nurse pulled the sheet up over her daughter's head.

Oh God no, Abbey wanted to scream but all that came out was a deep agonized moan of loss. This couldn't be happening, not to her baby, not to her baby girl.

"Mrs. Bartlet." She turned to see the doctor who had been working so desperately on Jed. "I'm so sorry. We did everything we could. The bullet did too much damage to the heart." Abbey couldn't comprehend it. What was he trying to say to her? The doctor sensed her stunned confusion. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Bartlet," he said gently, tears filling his eyes, "I'm afraid the President is dead." Abbey looked wildly from the gurney holding her daughter to the nurses who were weeping over her fully covered husband's body.

"Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The scream came from somewhere deep in her soul and she felt the pain begin deep, deep in her belly. This had happened to her before and she knew she was losing her baby before she even looked down to see the blood staining her pants.

"Abbey, Abbey, wake up. It's just a nightmare." Jed was shaken to his core at the horrible gut wrenching screams his wife had made in her sleep. An agent poked his head in, sure that something horrible had befallen the First Lady.

"It's OK, just a nightmare," Jed said, motioning him to close the door as he held his wife's crying form. Max nodded his acknowledgment and shut the door well aware that everyone was on edge this week. It was just a couple of days until the one year anniversary of the Rosslyn shooting.

"Abbey, sssh, it's ok, sweetheart. I'm here. It was just a dream."

"Jed, it was awful," she shuddered. "I replayed the whole day of the shooting, only this time I knew something bad was going to happen and I didn't warn you. You were so happy and unaware. I let you go totally oblivious to the fact that you were going to be shot. I let you go." The tears started to flow again.

"Sssh," he said, running his thumbs over her cheeks to wipe the tears away. "I'm not a psychiatrist but I'd say you dreamed that because you still feel guilty that you weren't there with me. Abbey, you didn't know, and you can't change what happened."

"I know."

"What else happened? Was it like your nightmares before?"

"Yes. I think I pulled Zoey's memories of the trauma room into it too, because in my dream I was there while they were working on you. There was blood everywhere and the doctors were trying to save you. It was so real, Jed. I could see the nurses crying, hear the urgency in their voices. Then, I saw Zoey, and she was dead. Oh Jed, I could really see her dead on that gurney. Before I could even finish taking that in, the doctor came to tell me that he had lost you and, in that moment, I honestly wanted to die." She took a deep shuddering breath.

"It's ok, Hon," he ran his hand up and down her back, "go on."

Abbey took a deep breath and continued, "And then, while I was screaming that you couldn't be dead, I looked down and realized that I was losing our baby. I had lost all three of you. Well, four when you consider I didn't know I was pregnant with the twins. I just can't seem to shake that awful sense of loss and despair."

The sound of the phone ringing interrupted what Jed was about to say next to his wife. He spoke briefly into the receiver and hung up.

"That was your 'get your ass moving call' from Charlie, wasn't it?" She gave him a watery half smile.

"Yeah, I'm supposed to have a meeting with the staff about our interview with Barbara Walters tomorrow night."

"I know, I have a lunch date with CJ to discuss it. Go, it's ok."

"Are you sure? I hate to leave you shaken like this."

"I'm fine now. Besides, the babies will be up any minute so I have to get moving myself."

"Abbey," he took her hand, feeling her pulse still racing.

"Really, Jed, I'm fine. It was just a dream."

++++++

Jed sat in the Oval Office sipping his coffee and absently listening to his staff discussing what he and Abbey should and should not say. In the end he knew that what he had to say to Ms. Walters and the American public was intensely personal and he would say it from the heart. What concerned him at the moment was his wife's emotional deluge this morning and the fact that CJ seemed to have the same gray smudges under her eyes that Abbey had, testimony to the fact that she was not sleeping well lately either. He knew that CJ would never come to him to talk about her struggle. She wouldn't burden him with that. God, he had come to hate that word. Since he had become President, nobody wanted to burden him with anything personal any more. Even Abbey pulled that crap at times, as if he couldn't handle the crises of the world along with the personal crises of his friends and family. The only time he ever seemed to hear about these issues was when they were about to become headline news. As they all stood to depart, Jed asked CJ to stay behind for a moment. He waited until everyone was gone then motioned her to sit back down on the couch.

"How's it going, CJ?" Jed asked, leaning back in his chair across from her.

"Fine," CJ said, puzzled.

"You're doing ok?"

"Yes." The word was drawn out seeking the hidden meaning in the President's questions.

"Sleeping all right?"

"Fine," CJ lied with a squirm. She didn't lie well.

"CJ."

"Sir, is there a reason that you are asking me these questions? Have I slacked off somewhere?"

"Nope. You never slacked off that long night almost a year ago either. We've never talked about that, have we?"

"What is there to say, sir?"

"I'm ashamed to admit that I don't think I ever said thank you."

"To me?"

"Yes, to you. For being there for me and for Zoey, and later, for Abbey. I know how awful that must have been for you."

"Do you remember any of it, sir?"

"I remember flashes. I remember the white-hot pain and how hard it was to breathe. I remember the warmth of my blood and how cold I felt inside. And I remember knowing that I was dying and being angry about that because I wasn't ready to go yet. When Leo got back from Vietnam, he talked about boys on the battlefields crying for their mothers as they lay dying. I didn't want my mother. I wanted Abbey."

"I know," CJ said softly. She was in a state of awe as the President rarely spoke of his personal emotions with the staff, at least emotions that were not anger or humor. Even Leo was not usually privy to this kind of openness. No, pain and anguish were usually reserved for the First Lady to deal with. "You asked for her a couple of times before you lost consciousness."

"I was scared," he admitted without shame. "And then I could hear Zoey crying and yelling 'Daddy, Daddy don't die!' And I wanted so badly to comfort and reassure her, but I was choking."

"On your own blood, I remember." CJ's eyes filled with tears reliving the terror of that moment in the limo. She had known the President was severely injured but, until he started coughing and choking on his own blood, she hadn't realized that he could be dying.

"I thought you were going to die right there in front of me and your daughter."

"But you didn't panic," he said with admiration. "I heard you talking to Zoey and reassuring her. It gave me a real feeling of peace knowing that you were taking care of her. It calmed me tremendously."

"I assure you, sir, that I felt anything BUT calm. And I lied earlier. I haven't been sleeping well. How did you know?"

"You have the same haunted, exhausted look that Abbey has. She's been having some nightmares."

"I've been having a few of those myself. Have you?"

"No. Not yet, anyway. I did for months after it happened, only mine usually centered on Zoey being hurt or Abbey or one of you guys. In a way, I was the lucky one thanks to the fact that I was unconscious. I can't ever know what you guys went through those first few days after I was shot and hovered between life and death. I know that those days changed Abbey forever."

"She saw your mortality."

"And that scared the hell out of her."

"Sir," Charlie poked his head in, "it's time to leave for your physical."

"Time to get poked and prodded, you mean," Jed grumbled, getting to his feet.

"I take it your physical is with Admiral Hackett?" CJ asked with a knowing smile.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because if it was with Dr. Bartlet I don't think you would be complaining about being poked and prodded," her grin widened.

"Touché, Claudia Jean, touché," he tipped his head to her with a smile as she turned to leave the room.

++++++

"Jed said he talked to you today about the night of the shooting," Abbey said, sipping her Perrier. She and CJ were dining at a quaint little restaurant in Georgetown. Abbey would have preferred to dine outside but, with the Rosslyn anniversary looming ahead, the service was being extra careful.

"Yes. I was a little surprised. He doesn't usually open up like that."

"I know." Abbey wasn't surprised. She knew that Jed was aware of the fact that CJ would never release her own emotions without him paving the way for her.

"He said you've been having nightmares again. I could tell it upsets him."

"I know it does and I wish I could get them to stop. I guess it's still hard for me to get over the fact that I wasn't there."

"Even though the President thanks God that you weren't there. I mean, if you had been with us, you would have been somewhere by his side, shaking hands and chances are you would have been shot too. You could have been killed, or at the very least, lost your babies. Do you think that would have made him feel better?"

"No," Abbey said simply. "Intellectually, I know what you are saying is true. I just feel that when he needed me most, I wasn't there for him. I keep thinking of how much pain he was in and how scared he must have been not being able to breathe because of the blood in his lungs. He told me he knew that he was dying and I wish I had been there holding him in my arms." Abbey stopped for a moment to sip her water as a lump began to form in her throat. "This is going to sound stupid but, when we were first married, we went to see the movie 'Love Story' and we made a pact that night that when it was time for one of us to die, it would be in the other's arms. I feel as if I let him down."

"The President didn't die. You didn't let him down. You were home taking care of yourself and those two babies that have given him so much joy this year. They are probably one of the few bright spots of happiness he has had this year. I watched him in Maine this summer holding and playing with Nicky and Aislinn and I could see the weight of the world lift off his shoulders. You were right where you should have been. And, when he needed you the most, when he was fighting for his life, you were there every step of the way. I'm the one that told the world the first word he spoke when he woke up was 'Abbey', remember?"

"I remember. I also remember how scared you were that you were going to have to face the press and tell them the President was dead."

"That is basis of my nightmares. I just pray that is one statement I will never have to make."

"Me too, CJ, me too."

+++++

The day of the Rosslyn shooting dawned bright and sunny and normal. That was what both Jed and Abbey were striving for, a normal day. But that wasn't exactly easy. As Abbey lay on her side in bed nursing Nicholas, she couldn't help but watch her shirtless husband pulling clothes from his dresser. The scars that she had grown so used to seeing and touching over this past year suddenly seemed to be more prominent, more vivid. Jed caught her intense gaze and knew instantly what she was looking at. He moved slowly toward the bed, pausing to gaze down at his wife and son, trying not to see the pain in Abbey's eyes.

"Want me to get Ash before I hop in the shower?" He asked upon hearing his daughter begin to fuss over the monitor. Abbey looked into his eyes reading the message he was avoiding saying which was please don't worry sweetheart, everything will be all right.

"Ok, thanks," she said, her eyes telling him that she understood.

++++

A little later they had a relaxed family breakfast in the solarium. It was impossible to be somber when both were spooning rice cereal into the mouths of their smiling, gurgling babies. They didn't speak of nightmares or fears of safety. And if, after Jed kissed each baby on the forehead and then Abbey lightly on the lips, she held his hand a little tighter and a little longer than normal, he simply acknowledged that with a soft gentle smile and left for work.

+++++

Zoey had been avoiding the television all day. The images of that night at the Newseum still made her physically nauseous. When she saw her father smiling and shaking hands so gregariously, so unaware of what was about to happen to him, it made her want to cry. Hearing the gunshots blasting into the crowd and the screams and chaos that ensued brought back that frenzy and confusion when her father had been thrown into the limo after her, bleeding and nearly dead. When her friends at school watched ER, the images of the doctors shocking her father and sending that huge needle into his heart would be so vivid and real that she would sometimes have to leave.

Today had been an exhausting day at school and while normally all she would have wanted to do was go back to her dorm room and crash, tonight was different. Tonight she wanted to dine with her parents and spend the night in her room at the White House. Tonight was a night to be with her a family. A family that, a year ago today, had almost been shattered by a deranged gunman's bullets.

++++

Jed sat at his desk and opened his briefcase. He frowned with puzzlement at the card that lay on top of his files. Sipping from his coffee mug, he sat back in his chair and opened the card to see his wife's handwriting. For a doctor, she had beautiful, neat handwriting. The nuns, who taught her and thousands of others at Catholic schools, had always insisted on impeccable penmanship. His own had been a source of dismay to his Sunday school teachers. He took another sip of the coffee and began to read the poem entitled 'If I knew.'

If I knew it would be the last time That I'd see you fall asleep, I would tuck you in more tightly And pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time That I see you walked out the door, I would give you a hug and kiss And call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise, I would video tape each action and word, So I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute to stop and say, "I love you" Instead of assuming you would KNOW I do

If I knew it would be the last time I would be able to share your day, Well I'm sure you'll have so many more, So I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow To make up for an oversight, And we always get a second chance To make everything just right.

There will always be another day To say, "I love you," And certainly there's another chance To say "Anything I can do"

But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get I'd like to say how much I love you And I hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, Young or old alike, And today may be the last chance You get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow, Why not do it today? For if tomorrow never comes, You'll surely regret the day,

That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss And you were too busy to grant someone What turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold you loved ones close today, And whisper in their ear, Tell them how much you love them And that you'll always hold them dear

Take time to say, "I'm sorry" "Please forgive me," "Thank you." Or "It's OK." And if tomorrow never comes, You'll have no regrets about today.

Love, Abbey.

Jed ran his hands over his eyes and regained his composure just in time for his staff to enter for their morning meeting.

++++

The living room of the White House residence was bustling with activity as the crew from 20/20 set up their lighting and cameras. Toby and Leo had wanted to do the interview in the Oval Office or a more formal room, but Jed and CJ had prevailed with their viewpoint being that this interview was very personal and should be treated as such. Barbara Walters, the anchorwoman who was to interview the First Couple approached Jed with a look of concern.

"Sir, you may want to change your jacket."

"Why? I've worn this before in interviews."

"Not in this condition, I bet," she smiled, pointing to small wet spot on his shoulder. Abbey looked up from where she was having her makeup done and shook her head.

"It's spit up, Jed. I told you I just fed Aislinn, and if you held her, to use a cloth"

"You have baby puke on your jacket," Leo said with disgust. "Why did you have to pick the kid up?"

"Because she was crying, Leo," Jed said sharply, "when my daughter cries, I pick her up. It's not the end of the world, I'll just run in and get another jacket."

"One step ahead of you, Mr. President," CJ grinned, handing him a new suit coat.

"Is nothing sacred to you people?" Jed asked with dismay. "Even my closet is not private anymore?"

"Don't worry, I'll keep that secret stock of Yankee Doodle cupcakes I found a secret," CJ's soft voice held a hint of amusement.

"See that you do," Jed grumbled.

"OK, we're all set up," said one of the producers. Jed began to walk toward the couch and Abbey took off the cloth that had covered her while her makeup was being done and followed.

"By the way," she nudged CJ, "I know all about those Yankee Doodles, but go ahead and let him think he's sneaking one past me. It takes so little to please him."

+++++++

Leo was standing in the doorway watching the interview when he felt someone touch his shoulder. It was his goddaughter. He smiled tenderly down at Zoey and placed an arm around her waist as together they listened to the end of the interview.

"Mrs. Bartlet, what is the most important lesson that you learned from this incident??

"Mainly that every person should never take a day or the people they live with and love for granted, as it can be taken away from you in a split second. I urge everyone to take that extra moment and tell your family members you love them, kiss them good-bye, because it may be the last thing they remember of you." Jed saw Abbey's eyes grow shiny with unshed tears and he squeezed her hand which he held on his lap between his.

"Do you agree, Mr. President?"

"Absolutely. When I was laying in that limo and I really thought that I was going to die, I wasn't wishing that I had spent more time in the Oval Office trying to push another bill through Congress. I was wishing that I had 5 more minutes to tell my wife that I loved her and to kiss each of my children one last time."

"That's a wrap," the producer called out.

And thus the anniversary of that horrific day one year ago ended on a positive note, a note of reaching out, a note of love. But, unknown to anyone in that room, the forces of evil were simply biding their time, well aware that soon, very soon, they would be committing acts that would make Rosslyn look like kid's play.

TBC...