Xboxversus2600


Daily Radar has taken it upon itself the Herculean task of comparing every major videogame console with Microsoft's newly announced world-beater -- the Xbox. Every console except one... the Atari 2600! Apparently the joke of the gaming scene and the recent recipient of a big fat Nintendo lawsuit has something against this little dynamo. Well here I am to fill you in with the honest to God (I'm atheist) facts. Thank me with your love/boob pictures later (Now please).

  • The Look

    • Xbox
    The Xbox looks like a fat pile of shit. It's big, bulky, black, and looks like it was incased in cheap ass plastic. Even worse are the neon green button things that flash and shine and direct ships safetly to the shore. What the fuck was Microsoft thinking when they thought up this monster?

    Microsoft Guy #1: Hey I got an idea, let's make our new console look like a big, clunky, piece of shit toy that reminds everyone of that show, "X-Files"!.

    Microsoft Guy #2: Yes I agree! "X" is an in, hip letter now a-days. XTREME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Microsoft Guy #1: ROCK N' ROLL!!!

    Microsoft Guy #2: AWESOME!!!!!!

    Microsoft Guy #1: COWABUNGA!!!!!!

    etc. ad nauseum.

    2600
    Now here's a system a man like myself can identify with. The 2600 is a bare bones system. It has a sturdy black casing and a fine psuedo-wood grain finsish that won't make it look out of place when you set it next to your vintage 1956 American made "Radiation King" TV set that only recieves channels which play "Leave It to Beaver" 24 hours a day. None of this fancy Johnny-come-lately green lights and XXXXXXXtreme X's all over it. Let's face it, Atari has Microsoft beat here.

    SCORE 2600:1, Xbox:0

  • The Controllers

    • Xbox
    Oh my, well aren't these lovely? If you want to see the "ingenious" design history of the Xbox controller, I suggest you head on over to this site, Xbox Design Machine. I think I'll just let that speak for itself... maybe not. How could Microsoft be so stupid as to put in a huge neon green Xbox logo over the spot everybody knows should be utilized for memory card screen ala Dreamcast. Those things are just so damn cool. This act is unforgivable. Microsoft, I hate you!

    2600
    The 2600 is forgiven for its lack of a VMU screen slot since it came out in an era way before VMUs. Other than that little handicap (which it has already been forgiven for), I can say with a clear conscience that the standard 2600 controller kicks maximum ass. Those track balls, pointy triangle controllers, and other fancy do-dads can go launch themselves into space. I'm talking about the origainal with the square base, large stick, and single red button. I can't think of a better, more effective controller ever made. These controllers now a-days have to have 6000 main buttons, 13 directional pads, and 40 shoulder buttons that can't be reached comfortably by the average 5 fingered gamer. (Of course I have no probs with that shit cus I'm l33t) Plus the fact that it was all black (with no flamming neon colored logos present) was just bad ass. Can't think of another controller I'd rather play Joust with. A plus.

    SCORE 2600:1 and uh, 1 again..(I really need help with this "math" thing), Xbox:0

  • The Power

    • Xbox
    Ok, so the Xbox will come with a 733MHz PIII processor and really rad nVidia graphics chip that hasn't even been invented yet. There's just two problems with this:

    1. Pentium processors suck. (AMD baby!)

    2. The video card doesn't even EXIST! It's scheduled to materialize magically somewhere around a month or something before the Xbox is to ship. I forsee a delay (or product shortage) in Microsft's near future.

    2600
    Um, the good ol' VCS runs on a 2 Hz or something "Stella" processeror. Uh, yeah. Well at least the 2600 exists! This reminds me of something I learned in Philosophy class while I wasn't stoned:

    1. Microsoft says the Xbox will indeed be completed at one point.

    2. Microsoft is an infaluable corporation that always tells the truth about everything and will stick to its word.

    Therefore,
    3. The Xbox will come out as planned, and indeed will be a video game system.

    See the faults in this arguement? This is a classic example of "begging the question". I say Atari wins this one just because its already out and ready to give you hours of orgasmic pleasure.

    SCORE Huh? Oh yeah.. um, 12?

    Well I could keep going on with this article, but I'm really lazy and I think you're getting the idea. Remember, it is perfectly fine to blindly hate Microsoft, even if you've never experienced a problem with one of their products, just because lots of other people hate them. Hating Microsoft is the universal sign of intelligence and brotherhood amongst geeks everywhere. But in the end it doesn't matter what you or I think, it all boils down to what legendary martial arts master Sonny Chiba has to say on the matter:

    GOD
    "Go buy a 2600, or even better yet, a fucking Dreamcast you trendy, media hype influenced bastards, or I'll rip your balls off!"


    And that is that.

    -- Shinigami 1/24/01

    UPDATE: Xbox sucks!! Check out this image I obtained (through stealing from some site) of actual Xbox game footage. (Red circles indicate blocky surfaces)


    Lots o' jaggies!!!!


    PRETTY!!!!!

    Now that you have visual confirmation, I think you know what to do...swam and attack Microsoft my vicious little toads!!!

    -- Shinigami 1/24/01