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Rob: "How's it going?"

Chris: "OK. What's up?"

Rob: "Um, I need my Tron DVD."

Chris: "Uhuh."

Rob: "Can I have it?"

Chris: "What? Why are you asking me?"

Rob: "Well, you borrowed it that one time for your nephew."

Chris: "No I didn't. I've never borrowed it."

Rob: "Sure you did! You remember, Craig came out from MIT and his kid wanted to watch it-?"

Chris: "What the fuck are you talking about? Craig doesn't-!"

John: "Hey. What are you doing?"

Chris: "I'm about to win the New York Marathon."

John: "What...?"

Chris: "See, here comes Rudolph Guiliani with my trophy."

John: "Jesus, it's no wonder the fans hate your guts, Carter!"

Chris: "For fuck's sake, Shiban! I'm sitting in my office, at my desk, typing on my computer, and you ask me what I'm doing? Could you even think of a more boneheaded question to ask me?"

John: "Well, there was no need to be such a fucking smartass about it! You could have just said you were writing or something!"

Chris: "Well I was fucking writing! You could see that! Why ask me what I'm doing when it's so goddam self-evident, for the love of Christ?"

John: "You weren't writing. You were griping at Bowman."

Chris: "Do you know what a Yutz is, Shiban-?"

Frank: "What's going on?"

Rob: "Carter's spazzing-out again."

Chris: "I'm NOT! You come in here and interrupt me with monkey-brain questions and you wonder why I'm pissed about it?"

John: "See?"

Frank: "He needs therapy."

Rob: "so, anyway, where's my DVD?"

Chris: "Fuck OFF! I'm trying to fucking work, here! Why the hell aren't you bastards doing anything, for Christ's sake?"

Frank: "We are. We're standing here watching you spaz-out."

John: "It's pretty exhausting, too. I think I need to sit down."

Chris: "Get the fuck out of my office! Go on! Go and do something!"

Frank: "Nah, I think I'll just hang out here for a while. Are you going to finish that?"

Chris: "Get...that's my lunch!"

John: "So, what is that, chicken?"

Frank: "Yeah. No mayo. Again."

John: "How the hell do you expect us to eat that, Carter? You have to put mayo on chicken sandwiches!"

Chris: "Get your fucking paws off-"

Rob: "Chris, I really need that DVD! I promised my cousin that she could borrow it this weekend-"

Kim: "What's going on?"

Frank: "Chris stole Rob's DVD."

John: "And he forgot to put mayo on our sandwiches again."

Kim: "Well, I hope he doesn't expect me to direct on an empty stomach. The sound guys get all cranky when they hear it rumbling."

Chris: "Why don't you guys ever make yourself useful?"

John: "Hey, I'm useful!"

Frank: "That's right! He spent all morning seeing how far his trashcan bounces in the Lot when it's thrown from his window. It was fascinating. They stopped work over at Malcolm in the Middle just to watch."

Kim: "So how many times did it bounce?"

Chris: "And to think the fans hate me...!"

Rob: "Come on Carter, I don't have time-!"

Chris: "Get out of my fucking office!"

Kim: "Jesus, what a fucking grouch! You're worse than Mimi Rogers! Don't you guys think he's worse than Mimi?"

Chris: "For f-!"

Rob: "You know that If you've lost it you're going to have to buy me a new one."

Chris: "For the last time, Bowman, I never had your stupid DVD!"

Vince: "Hi. What's going on?"

Frank: "Carter's having another nervous breakdown."

John: "He's been threatening us. And he got the wrong sandwiches again."

Chris: "I never threatened anybody! Why should I? The fans do a better job than-!"

Rob: "You don't have any fans anymore! shit, I'm going to go on the OS and tell them you lost my DVD!"

Vince: "Speaking of fans, what's happening with the Finale?"

Frank: "Who gives a shit?"

Kim: "I do! I'm directing the fucking thing. I want to know-"

Chris: "You are not directing the Finale-!"

Frank: "You can't say that! It's not your decision alone! We've already been over this-"

Chris: "I meant that it hasn't been decided who is directing the-"

Kim: "So why'd you say I'm not directing it, then?"

Rob: "I suppose you'll try and tell me that I'm not directing the new movie! First you steal my DVD, now this? I have an attorney, you know?"

Chris: "Look-!"

Kim: "That's the trouble with you Chris - you always try to tell us what to do, without even considering our feelings or views-!"

Chris: "What, do I look like fucking Oprah to you? fuck your goddam 'feelings'!"

Vince: "Oh, well, that's very nice!"

Chris: "Hey, he's the one who said he was going to direct the fucking Finale, not me! I corrected him and you guys jump down my fucking throat-!"

Frank: "Give it a goddam rest, Carter! You're such a baby! I can't believe you've survived this long in Hollywood!"

Chris: "Oh, right, this from an AP wire hack! You'd still be subbing the fucking classifieds if it weren't for me!"

Frank: "Get the fuck out of here! You're lucky I was here to keep a leash on this show! Christ, if I left it up to you guys it'd be Seventh Heaven with aliens..."

Rob: "Isn't that Roswell-?

John: "Hey, the hell with you, Spotnitz! A great fucking job you did! What about that whole pregnancy arc, for Christ's sake? We might as well just rename the show The Thirty Something Files!"

Frank: "That baby was his idea-!"

Chris: "Don't blame me for that one, pal!"

Vince: "But you wrote it-"

Chris: "I don't care-!"

Kim: "That whole thing was so lame. Gillian and Mitch couldn't even keep a straight face when we were shooting that hospital scene. I thought we were going to run out of film! Totally lame."

Chris: "It wasn't lame! It's a pivotal moment in the development of the whole character relationship-!"

Frank: "Come on! It's so lame, it should have a fucking wheelchair! I've seen quadraplegics who are less lame than that whole plot device."

John: "And you better not fuck with my Finale script, Carter! I don't want you screwing that up, like you did that damn baby arc thing."

Chris: "You're not writing the Finale! I've told you that a million goddam times already!

Rob: "I thought Darin was writing the Finale?"

Chris: "Oh, not that shit again? Darin is not writing- stop eating my lunch, Gilligan!"

Vince: "Blech! What kind of bread is this?"

Rob: "His food always sucks."

Chris: "God! Will you guys please just go and do something? Anything!"

Rob: "So what about my DVD?"

Chris: "Fuck your DVD! Fuck Tron! It's a total piece of shit! Who the fuck would even buy that movie, anyway?"

Vince: "Which DVD is this?"

Rob: "My Tron disk. I loaned it to him ages ago and now he won't return it! Duchovny was so totally right about you!"

Frank: "I knew that's where that whole First Person Shooter concept came from!"

Chris: "Fuck you! Maddox and Bill Gibson wrote that-!"

Frank: "But you directed it!"

Chris: "So? I just directed the script that was in front of me-!"

John: "Oh, so you had no input whatsoever, right?"

Frank: "You steal all your story ideas from other shows! I bet that's what you plan to do with the Finale! You probably have a tape of the final episode of M*A*S*H already-"

Chris: "What the hell is wrong with you guys? Why do you always keep coming into my office and annoying me? You do it all the time! I swear to Christ you do it deliberately!"

Kim: "No we don't! You're so paranoid, Carter!"

Rob: "Does Dori know where my DVD is? Is she home right now?"

Chris: "I don't have your fucking Tron DVD! OK, Bowman? Jesus!"

Vince: "Well, you'd better buy him a new one. It's only fair."

John: "I still say that I should write the Finale, since you guys-"

Chris: "But you haven't even finished Underneath yet!"

John: "That's totally beside the point-!"

Vince: "If your Finale script is anything like the stuff you've turned in for Underneath, we'll be fucking lynched by the fans. You do know that, right?"

John: "Screw you, Vinnie! I'm not the one who suggested a fucking Brady Bunch crossover, for Christ's sake!"

Vince: "What? You think that's a bad idea? Why didn't you say something at the meeting if that's the way you feel about it?"

Frank: "We're not doing a Brady Bunch ep, OK? That's final!"

Vince: "We'll see..."

Rob: "Can I have Craig's number so I can call him and see if he still has my DVD."

Chris: "No fucking way-!"

John: "Come on Vince! A fucking Brady Bunch crossover? Are you on acid, or what?"

Chris: "That's it! Get out, now! I'll call security!"

Frank: "Oh, yeah, right! Like they'd do anything for you after your little episode in Grushow's office last week!"

Kim: "What was that?"

Chris: "Shut the fuck up, Spotnitz!"

Frank: "We were discussing the movie with him and Gail, and Carter got all bent out of shape because-"

[Chris picks up a baseball bat and approaches the others...]

Rob: "What? You want us to sign that?"

Chris: "Get out!"

[He rushes them and they scramble out into the hall. Chris slams the door after them...]

Rob: "Come on, give it up!"

[The others each hand him $10...]

Frank: "Jesus, that wasn't even 5 minutes!"

Vince: "It's getting too easy. I'm not betting anymore."

Kim: "Nah. It's not even any fun now.

John: "So now what do we do?"

Frank: "Well, you could always get back to work on Underneath..."

[They look at each other, then burst out laughing...]

John: "Seriously, what do you guys want to do now?"

Kim: "So, how many times do you think a trashcan would bounce?"

Frank: "Only one way to find out..."

[Back in Chris's office...]

Dave: "Hello?"

Chris: "Hey, it's me."

Dave: "Oh, hi Chris. What's up?"

Chris: "Just wondered if you and Tea want to stop by my place for dinner tonight."

Dave: "OK, sure. What time?"

Chris: "Oh, I guess around 7?"

Dave: "OK. Did you guys want to catch a movie or something afterwards?"

Chris: "Actually, Darin will be there too and we were going to watch Tron again."

Dave: "OK, great...!"

Copyright Shturmovik[KGB]

2002

scullysland@yahoo.com