If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
Its my midlife and I'll crisis if I want to.
Housework won't kill you, but why risk it?
I'm afraid of losing my obscurity. Genius only thrives in the dark. Like celery.
He has all the qualities of a dog except loyalty.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.
Money couldn’t buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
Puns:
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes
from morons?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we've got on our hands is a dead shark.
It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find next morning that it was someone else.
Always take the time to smell the roses...and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.
It's not the men in my life that counts - it's the life in my men.
If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.
Both my marriages were failures! Number one departed and number two stayed.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown...and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked up into jet engines.
I never forget a face but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
This parrot is no more. It's ceased to be. It has expired. The parrot has gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot ... If you hadn’t nailed it to the perch, it would be pushin' up the daisies.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Names for windscreen wipers: “Quote” and “Unquote”, “Easy come” and “Easy go”, “One the one hand” and “On the other hand”.
The Blarney Stone: Only the Irish could kiss a stone that the Normans urinated on.
You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct.
The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant.
We have created a society that honours the servant and has forgotten the gift. -Albert Einstein
Like everyone else you think you're special.
Like everyone else, you're right.
Friends are quite angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.
Confucius said, "When you see a good man, try to emulate his example, and when you see a bad man, search yourself for his faults."
The greatest obstacle, in fact the final obstacle, is the belief that there is an obstacle.
It's the heart, afraid of breaking,
that never learns to dance.
It's the dream, afraid of waking,
that never takes a chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
who cannot seem to give.
And the soul, afraid of dyin',
that never learns to live.
Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticised anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't. - Eleanor Roosevelt.
Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.
You think the only people who are people,
Are the ones who look and think the way you do,
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger,
You'll learn the things you never knew you never knew...
You can own the Earth and still,
All you'll own is earth until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind.
After all, we are angels in training. All we have to do is spread our wings and fly.
I cannot love as I have loved, And yet I know not why; It is the one great woe of life To feel all feeling die.
Love makes the time pass. Time makes love pass.
You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.
Never does hatred cease by hating: by not hating does it cease. - Buddha.
May you live every day of your life.
There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; my philosophy is kindness. - Dalai lama
The race is long, but in the end, it's only with yourself. So why run?
After all there is but one race - humanity.
Opportunities never come to those who wait.
Both bitterness and true happiness are choices that we make not conditions that fall upon us.
Anger harms no one more more than he who harbours it.
Accept the challenges so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory.
If someone doesn’t have a smile, lend them yours.
I am never down. I am either up or getting up.
The greatness of our love is only understood in the hour of separation.
Consider yourself a drop of water. Now you are floating in a sea. Where are your boundaries?
When God seems far away, who moved?
Peace is accepting that which we cannot change.
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds worth of distance run
Then yours is the earth, and all that's in it
And, which is more,
You'll be a man my son.
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself. They come through you, but not from you, and though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughs... You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow... You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and he bends you with his might that his arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; for even as he loves the arrow that flies, so he loves the bow that is stable." - Kahil Gibran
Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody is watching.