Of Solace and Secrets
"Dawnie, got all your books for school?"
"Yes."
"And you got that report we worked on last night?"
"Yes."
"A-and you have your lunch, and…"
"Yes, mom," I roll my eyes. "
so I gotta go, okay?"
"Yeah, okay, I know…just be careful…a-and have
fun!"
I turn around to wave good-bye from the driveway, seeing
that big,
bright smile on her face, and force myself to smile back. I
owe her
at least that much. Actually, I pretty much owe her
everything. I
don't know where I would be if it weren't for her. I don't
know
where any of us would be.
After Buffy jumped and…after,
left, which hurt everyone, though, of course, no one more
than
sucking thing, I get it, but still, I have a really hard
time
understanding how she could just leave us, just leave
that.
After Glory had hurt
she would forever if necessary, and I knew she would too.
That's
just the kind of person
left just the same.
came into my room early one morning and said a quiet
goodbye. I
never saw
she just didn't have any tears left, but now…now I know
differently.
She is the strong one, the rock we all rest our foundation
on, and if
she were to break, the rest of us would fall apart.
She's been there for all of us. I can't count the number of
nights
she sat up late with Xander, listening to him cry and
reminisce and
insist that it was his fault. One night I even heard Giles
down
stairs, crying on her shoulder about how loosing Buffy was
like
loosing his own daughter. I guess I wasn't the only one to
loose a
part of my family.
The one she has spent the most time consoling is Spike. I'm
pretty
sure they have no idea that I've heard them talking together
late at
night. After all, I'm just a kid, and apparently we aren't
supposed
to notice this stuff. I'm also pretty sure that the others
have no
idea of their budding friendship. I love them all so much,
but
honestly, they can be really blind to each other's lives
when they
are not directly involved.
"Red, you said you were going to stop her from sayin
all that
stuff." Spike's complaining again about the sexual
stuff the Buffy-
bot is still saying to him. Really, it's his own fault for
having
her programmed like that in first place. I mean, you should
HEAR
what comes out of her mouth. Iwww. But I guess, now, it's
gotta be
hard to hear her saying that kind of stuff.
"Yeah, well I thought I got it all. Must have missed
something in
the programming."
hear her tinkering with the bot.
"There's nothing wrong with my programming. I'm made to
be
perfect." It still freaks me out to hear Buffy's voice
and to know
it isn't her, but I'm getting used to it, I think.
"No, it's not your fault." Man,
"Yeah, well, just fix her, all right?" Spike is
still bitching about
the bot and his request comes out as more of a gruff
command. I can
just picture
"Yeah, I'll try, along with the million other things I
have to do."
She sounds really, really tired. "Hold the flashlight
right there
for me, will you?" There's a short break in talking,
and I can hear
metal clanking and Willow typing on her keyboard.
"So, how are you doing with everything?" Spikes
voice sounds much
softer now, and I'm sorta surprised at the kindness in his
tone.
"Huh? Um, I'm fine." Her voice sounds surprisingly
small and I
barely recognize it as
"Don't give me that, witch. You're not fine. No way you
can be.
You've lost your best friend, taken over care'n for her
little sis,
as if she were your own, your girlfriend's up and left you,
and
everyone else is using you as a constant shoulder to cry
on."
"Are you trying to make me feel as bad as
possible?" She sounds
angry now, and I'm really wishing I were down there to
actually be
watching this instead of just listening to it.
"No, I'm trying to make you talk to me, tell me how
you're really
feeling."
"Spike, I'm fine." Come on. I mean, honestly.
That's not
convincing anybody.
"Red, it's just you and me. No chubs, no watcher, no
lil bit. No
one to be strong with. You don't have to be all good and
fine here.
You can be hurting and you can be a little weak here, and
it's
alright, you know?"
"No, Spike, it isn't!" Wow. The outburst startles
even me. "It
isn't alright for me to be weak here, because tomorrow
morning, when
the sun comes back up, I have to be the strong one again. I
have to
be the one in charge, the one leading things and getting
things done,
and if I let my defenses down now, I don't think I'll be
able to get
them back up in the morning. And I have to. I have to be the
strong
one, the dependable one. I HAVE to do it!"
Wow. I mean…wow. I can't believe what she's saying. And
suddenly,
I'm realizing, she's right. She is the only one keeping us
all from
falling apart, and at the same time, no one is helping her.
I
immediately feel sick with guilt.
"Red…"
"No. Enough Spike. Why don't you just go home?" I
wait for the
inevitable slam of the front door. I wait and wait, but it
doesn't
come. I hear nothing, but silence, and it's deafening to me.
For
the love of god, someone say SOMETHING!
"Red, you can't keep going on like this." Yeah no
kidding, Mr. Big
Bad Master of the Obvious.
"Spike, please, just let it go." She sounds quiet
and tired again
and I feel my eyes begin to water at the thought that we did
this to
her. "Just help me with the bot, or leave. I don't have
time for
this."
I hear Spike let out a deep sigh in frustration, and I hold
my
breath, waiting to see what he will do. Suddenly, I hear
Willow
begin to protest as there is a loud clunk, and I can only
assume that
Spike has taken her laptop from her and set it down
somewhere else.
"Come on, witch," he says, gruffly. Wait! Where
are they going? I
wanted to hear where this was leading. Don't leave! I hear
footsteps making their way toward the back of the house,
through the
kitchen, and imagine that Spike has
her along. I hear the back door open and shut. Damn! They're
gone. Oh, wait! I run quickly across the hall to the
bathroom,
throw down the toilet seat and stand up on it, looking out
the
window. Yes! I can see them, and Spike is indeed dragging
the hand, out of the house and through the back yard. He
stops at
the large swing and sits down, dragging her down next to
him, letting
go of her hand long enough to reach into his coat pocket and
pull out
a cigarette. Oh! This is so much better. I can see
everything now.
He lights his cigarette, closing his eyes for just a moment,
and
opening his eyes, he reached out, his arm stretching over
her chest,
stopping her.
"Don't even think about it, Red," he says,
cigarette between his
lips, before taking another drag and then opening his eyes,
looking
right at her. She is glaring at him in anger and I'm glad I'm
not in
his place, though I know if anyone can handle the wrath of
its Spike. "You are going to sit here and talk to
me." He says in a
tone that I wouldn't dare disobey.
"Spike….I…I don't have anything to talk about."
She sounds meek and
tired again and my heart aches for her.
"Oh, yeah?" He sounds as unconvinced as I am.
"Tell me `bout you're
little witch, then." Huh?
"Huh? What about her?"
"Why'd she leave?" What is he getting at? We all
know why
"She…the…the whole Glory thing," she says quietly,
looking down at
her hands.
"That right?" Why else would
little intrigued.
"Why…what…yeah, that's right." She sounds unsure
of herself.
"Sure about that?" He has that smug smile on his
face that makes me
just want to slap him, and I'm wondering how
urge to do so.
"Spike…"
"Sure it didn't maybe have to do with something else.
Maybe it
wasn't to do with you and how powerful you are
becoming?" Again with
the huh?
mean, if I'm wrong, by all means, tell me. But I'm thinking
maybe,
just maybe, the little witch couldn't handle how strong you
were
becoming." Still
Finally, after a long silence, she looks up at him and nods
slightly. "She…she said she didn't really know me
anymore a-and that
with all the changes, I wasn't the same person
anymore." She sounds
broken, and nothing like the
heart break for her all over again. "She…she wanted me
to cut back
on the magic, but I wouldn't, and…she said some other stuff,
questioning my…dedication to our relationship mostly,
and…and then
she left." Her voice is shaking and I'm standing on the
toilet,
looking out the window with a big old look of shock on my
face. I
can't believe it!
"Pet, I'm sorry," Spike says softly, and I see him
put a comforting
arm around her. She leans slightly toward him, looking down
at her
hands in her lap.
"I…I guess I just wasn't enough to stick around for. I
mean…maybe I
could have done more, or…." No way! There was no way
she could
possibly have given another inch!
"Red, it isn't your fault. Sometimes the people in our
lives, they
get jealous and they get scared and they run away. They
aren't
strong…not like us." He smiles down at her and I see
her give him a
slight smile back, tears running down her face. "You
are good, and
strong…so strong. And brave, and powerful, and…and if she
couldn't
see that, then she doesn't deserve you."
"But…she was my everything," I hear her sob, tears
now running down
my own cheeks as well.
"
me….you're our everything. You're the bloody center in our world.
Don't you know that?" She looks up at him in disbelief
and sees the
truth in his face, breaking down into shaking sobs. He
hesitantly
puts his arms around her, looking entirely uncomfortable in
the
unaccustomed position and she leans into him, sobbing into
his
chest. He rubs her back and strokes her hair, and is
murmuring
quietly to her, words I can't make out.
I watch the pair for a long time, until eventually
asleep in his arms, and he just sits, holding her, slowly
rocking the
swing back and forth, smoking and thinking, about what, I
don't
know. Finally, I move to go back to my room and I try to
muffle a
squeal as I slip and fall, trying to get down from my perch,
grateful
to know someone is there to hold
Part 2
They think I haven't noticed. They think I don't have a
clue. They
think I'm just a kid, and kids are not supposed to be aware
of these
things. But I see it. I think I'm the only one in the whole
group who
sees it. In fact, truth is, I'm pretty sure THEY don't even
realize
it yet. I mean, not the whole friendship thing. I think they
get
that. But the other thing. The more ooiey-gooey, smoochie
kissy
thing. Pretty sure they haven't realized that's there too,
yet. At
least, I haven't seen them kiss or anything, and I haven't
heard them
talk like that, but it's in their eyes, and the way they
look at each
other. This goes beyond the simple comfort they were
providing
before. This goes way beyond that, but for all their grown-up
smarts
and all…they don't have a clue.
"Dawn, why don't you go up to the loft and grab a few
of the blue
potion bottles. Just three of four. The shelf is looking
kind of
bare." Anya smiles at me and I let out an exasperated
sigh, more for
show than anything else, and heave myself up and head to the
loft.
It's been unusually slow in the shop today, and the truth
is, I'm
happy to have anything at all to do besides my math
homework.
"And don't touch ANYTHING else up there, got it?"
She adds sternly
before heading back to the storage room. Just as I reach the
top of
the ladder, I hear that horribly annoying bell on the front
door
ring, and turn around to glance at the customer, excited to
have
something to do. I'm just about to jump down and greet them
when I
hear familiar voices.
"I don't know, Willow, I still think it sounds really
dangerous."
"Yeah, I know, Xander, but I can handle it."
Handle what? I'm curious
to know what they're talking about, and I know if they see
me,
they'll change the subject immediately. Perish the thought
that
innocent, little Dawn should know about anything that's
going on. I
back up slowly into the shadows, ducking down behind a trunk
and
peeking over just slightly, listening to them talk.
"I'm not doubting your magical expertise,
won't really be much help, and without Tara…"
"We don't need Tara." Wow, harsh tone. After that
her voice softens
and wavers just a little. "I…I can do this, Xander. I
can, and I'm
going to. We're going to."
"Willow, I'm just worried, is all. If anything
happened…if I ever
lost you too…" He trails off, his voice breaking with
emotion. What
in the world is this spell that Willow wants to do?
"Xander, I know, and you won't loose me," she
tells him, pulling him
into a hug. "I would never do this if I wasn't
absolutely sure, but I
can't just…" She stops abruptly as the front door flies
open and a
blurred figure runs in, trailing smoke behind it. Throwing
off the
blanket, Spike smoothes out his clothes and hair and then
looks up at
them, shrugging as if nothing is out of the ordinary.
"What?" He gives them that innocent look of his.
God, it's enough to
make me melt. I mean…you know, if I were interested in him
that way,
which I am sooo not. Really.
"Feelin the need for a daytime stroll?" Xander
asks him.
"Yeah, well, had to get out of the crypt and needed to
get a few
things," he answers, before looking toward Willow and
nodding. "Red,"
he says quietly and she gives him a small smile back.
"Well, carry on with what ever it was you two were
talkin about
before I came in. Don't let me stop you. `S like I'm not
even here,"
he says as he starts to walk around, picking up random
objects and
trying to feign interest in them.
"Ah, yeah, right…we were just talking about…ah…tonight,
and how, um…"
Xander begins.
"We, uh, actually, we needed to ask you if you could
stay with Dawn
for a few hours tonight," Willow breaks in. "Anya
and Xander have
plans and I need to run out for just a little while. Won't
be long, I
promise." Hey! That's not what they were talking about!
What's with
all the super secrety stuff? And, hey! I don't need a
sitter! I'm
fifteen years old!
"Hot date, Red?" Spike gives her a sideways look,
trying to act
nonchalant about
"No," she gives a small, almost bitter laugh
before
continuing. "Nothing like that…just a, uh, study group
thing, for a
class." Man, she's a terrible liar.
"Yeah, well, no problem. Not like I got many better
things to be
doin." He shrugs, putting down the glass ball he was
holding and
looking back up at her. "What time you want me
there?"
"Um, just after sunset would be great. Thanks."
She looks around
nervously, and glances at Xander, who looks equally uncomfortable.
Apparently their conversation is over for now. Damn. I
really wanted
to know what they were talking about. Stupid vampire, coming
in and
messing up a perfectly good eavesdropping opportunity.
"Hey, well, I'm gonna head into the back and see if I
can find Anya,"
Xander says suddenly, sounding way too cheerful. He takes
off,
leaving Willow and Spike standing alone in the shop. Well,
now, maybe
this won't be a complete waste after all.
"So, uh, how are you doin, Red?" He asks her, his voice
low and soft.
"Fine," she answers back with a faint smile.
"You?"
"I'm good." Wow, great conversation guys. Real
entertaining. Get to
the good stuff, already. "So, what is it you're really
doing tonight,
then?" Ding, ding, ding! Way to go Spike. Dig right in.
"What?" She looks startled by his question and her
eyes dart around
the shop. "I…I told you, study group thing."
He takes a step closer to her and leans in, talking quietly
into her
ear, but still loud enough for me to make out what he's
saying. "You're a terrible liar, Red." He chuckles
and takes a small
step back, looking into her eyes, nearly touching her.
"I…I don't know what you're talking about," she
mutters, her hands
fidgeting in front of her. He reaches out and grabs one of
her hand,
holding it gently but firmly in his own, waiting patiently
for her to
look up at him. "I…I…it's none of your business,
Spike," she says,
trying in vain to pull her hand away.
"Now, now," he says with a smirk. "Be a good
girl and tell Spike what
you're up to." Her face turns red and she glares at him
in anger,
yanking her hand out of his grasp.
"I'm not `up to' anything," she says, anger
flaring. Stupid Spike,
should have known better. Now he's in for it. "What I
do with my time
is MY business, Spike, not yours. Now, I'm thankful that
you're
coming over to stay with Dawn, but that doesn't mean I'm
going to
clear my schedule with you every time I need to go out. Mind
your own
damn business!"
"Maybe I want to make it my business," he growls
at her.
"Maybe it isn't your choice," she shoots back,
before turning on her
heels and stomping out into the training room in back.
Yep. Serious sexual tension there.
Part 3
"What do you want to play this time?" He looks up
at me,
expectantly, shuffling the cards.
"Spike, I'm tired, and I don't think I can handle
another card
game. I'm thinking I'm gonna be heading up to bed." I
stand up,
yawning for effect and he shoots me a look.
"Come on, bit. Night's still young," he whines.
"Not for me, Spike." I turn and head up the
stairs, hearing the
television come on. A few minutes later I hear the front
door open
and shut, and murmured voices. Knowing Willow's come home, I
head
to the top of the stairs and sit, trying to listen in.
"Spike," Willow greets him, sounding tired. Come
to think of it,
Willow always sounds tired these days.
"Witch," he responds, with what I'm guessing is a
nod of his head.
"Dawn gone to bed?"
"Just a few minutes ago. Get whatever it was you had to
do tonight
done?" Note to Spike, subtlety not your strong point.
There is no
response, and so I'm assuming she's shaken her head yes, or
no…well
one of those.
"Still not going to fill me in on what you're
doing?" Again his
question is met with silence, though this time I'm imaging
she's
standing there glaring at him. "Fine!" His harsh
yell startles me
and I jump a little. "You know, I really don't
appreciate this."
"Appreciate what?" She sounds annoyed at his
outburst. Business as
usual.
"This! All of this! You know, I work and fight side by
side with
the rest of you, and you still refuse to let me into your
damned
little group. Not that I want to be an official slayerette
or
anything…" Awww…maybe we should do some kind of
initiation or
something for him. We could have a little hazing…Xander
would love
that, maybe a pledge or something, and Oh! We could all wear
slayer
badges with a little stake or something, and…oh! Crap he's
talking
again…
"I mean, all I'm askin for is a little trust, a little
show that
you're with me, you know? But no, apparently that's askin
too
much. Spike here can be your little lap dog, come running
when you
need him, but can't let him in on any of the really
important stuff…
less it's to fight some big bad and take a few lumps for the
team,
right Red?" Wow. I had no idea he felt that way.
"Spike…I…I don't know what to say." Apparently
either. "I…we…I didn't mean to leave you out. I
just…there are just
some things I don't think you would understand, and…"
"Try me. Might be surprised." I hold my breath,
waiting for her
response.
"I…it's complicated, Spike, and I don't know that you
would really
understand where…"
"Said that already, Red. Try actually explaining it to
me. Take
your time, sound out the big words if you must…" Again,
I'm
picturing the annoyed redhead glaring at him.
"Well, ok, I know I shouldn't do this…I wasn't going
to, but…well, I
found this spell, and…and I think it might really work and
we
could…" She stops and I wonder why. I hear a few noises
and some
paper rustling and figure she must be showing him the spell.
Damn.
Don't show him! Explain it, in detail. Loudly.
"Red, if this is what I think it is…"
"Spike, it's not like any of the other ones. It's
specifically for
when mystical forces are used, and…I can work this. I know I
can,
but we only have one chance, in a few weeks, and I'm still
not sure
I'll be able to get everything I need, but if I can…"
"No!" Wow.
dead set against it. Why didn't I ever snoop into one of
books and learn how to turn myself into a fly? Then I could
be down
there and I could see with all of my dozens of fly eyes what
they
are talking about. Although, maybe with that many eyes, it
would be
hard to read it. Oh, and if I couldn't turn myself back,
like Amy,
and…oh crap. Talking again.
"There is no way in hell you are working that Spell,
Red."
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me. You. Are. Not. Working. That. Spell. End
of story."
"Uh, no I don't think it is! See, this is why I didn't
want to tell
you. Same thing with Giles, I knew you'd get all preachy
about it,
but Spike, I can do this. I am going to do this."
"You didn't tell Giles?" He sounds shocked. I
gotta admit, I'm a
little shocked myself.
"No, and you are not going to tell him either. No need
to. He'll
know afterwards, when…" When what? When what!!!
"Willow…this spell, it isn't only dangerous for
her…it's dangerous
for you. This is serious black magic we're talkin about
here. This
isn't floating a pencil or doing some little fluffy locator
spell.
This is serious, dark mojo, and you don't want to go
there."
"Hello! Serious witch here, remember? I mean, it isn't
like I'm
still doing "have my will done goes kablooey" spells
anymore,
Spike. Remember when I took on Glory? I can do some serious
damage
now…"
"Yeah, and you could do serious damage to yourself as
well, pet.
Invoking magic like this, inviting it into yourself, it will
change
you, be sure. This isn't just working a spell, Red. This is
way
beyond that." What the hell is it that she wants to do?
I'm dieing
to run down there and rip that book away and see for myself.
The
curiousity is killing me! "This is why your little
witch left, isn't
it? She knew what you were up to, and was against it. That's
it,
isn't it?"
There's silence for a few moments, and I wonder if it's
possible…if
Tara left because she was afraid of some spell Willow wanted
to do.
"Look, Spike I've thought this through, over and over,
ok? And I'm
doing this, whether you like it or not. I'm not asking for
your
help and I'm not asking for your permission."
"I'll tell Giles." He sounds like a little kid
using his tattle-tale
defense now.
"No! Spike, you can't!"
"Oh, no? Watch me. I'll head over to the watcher's
right now."
"You don't want to do that, Spike. I'll stop you if I
have to." I'm
shocked by the low, lethal tone in her voice and it makes me
shudder
slightly. The next time she speaks, her voice sounds softer
and
more like Willow. "Look, Spike, don't tell Giles, a-and
I'll think
about what you said. I still don't even know if I can get
all the
ingredients anyway, okay?"
He doesn't say anything else, and I'm assuming he must have
nodded,
because she isn't saying anything more either. A few seconds
later,
I see them both walk to the door, and I jump up and back
behind the
wall, peaking around the side.
"I'm serious, Red, this isn't something you want to be
messing
with. Trust me."
"Yeah, ok, I'll think about that." At that, he
stomps out and she
slams the door, locking it. I make a bee line for my room as
she
comes up the stairs and goes into her bedroom. I can hear
her
rummaging around in her magic chest, and I have an uneasy
feeling
about whatever spell it was they were talking about. I've
GOT to
get my hands on that book.
Part 4
It's been almost a week and I'm still trying to figure out
what
spell it is that Willow is trying to do, and why everyone is
so dead
set against it. Of course, it would help if they would just
fill me
in, but I'm not holding my breath on that.
I've gone through all the books at the house, except for a
small
group in Willow's room. That's the next bunch I'm heading
for now.
Figure it's gotta be in there…all earmarked with a big
blinking sign
that says "not for Dawn's eyes", or something like
that. I feel
kinda bad going through Willow's personal stuff like this,
but then
again, it's not like I'm raiding her underwear drawer or
reading her
diary. Oh! I bet I would definitely find something in there
about
the spell! Plus, maybe a thing or two about Spike,
but…oh…that would
be wrong. Damn my morals. Sometimes I think that having no
conscious would really come in handy.
I tiptoe into Willow's room and push the door, leaving it
just
slightly open. I don't know why I'm being so careful. No
one's
home. Willow's at an evening class and won't be home for at
least
another hour or so, but still…something about being all
stealthy and
quiet…makes the whole process much more interesting and
important-
feeling. This way feels much more official and
necessary…like I'm
working for the CIA on a sting operation…or something like
that, and
much less like the actual sneaking around my friends room,
searching
out her secrets that I'm actually doing.
I go quickly to the little shelf of books. I know that if
it's in
here, this is where it will be. This is where the book came
from
that I found the resurrection spell for Mom in. I've been
told time
and again to keep my hands off of these particular books, so
that's
exactly where I'm heading.
After flipping through a couple of books I come across one
with a
marker in it and open right to that page. Latin. Damn it!
Why do
they have to teach us something as useless as French in
school when
we could be learning something much more necessary like
Latin?
Jumping up, I quickly grab the English-Latin dictionary from
book, trying to at least get the first few lines
Looking down at the words I've just written, I read them to
myself. "Resurrect the dead." "Killed by
mystical forces." "Urn of
Osiris?" Huh? "One who has died from an unnatural
death may be
restored."
I sit back, trying to figure out what this means and
suddenly jump.
Oh my god! Buffy! She's going to bring Buffy back! Wait. Can
she
do that?
something like death. After the spell with Mom...but, I
mean, wow!
Buffy! Back! Here…alive…with us!
I hug the book to my chest and start to bounce up and down,
squealing excitedly. That's probably why I don't hear the
front
door open and shut and am only alerted to the people coming
up the
stairs moments before they reach
as the only warning.
Realizing that I don't have enough time to get out of the
room
undetected, I do the only thing an intelligent, honest girl
can do…I
run into the closet and quickly shut the doors, holding my
breath.
"I'm onto you. I know what you're doing. I'm not blind
you know. So
why don't you just give it up right now!" Oh crap! She
knows? She
knows I'm in here? Maybe I should just come out now and try
the
honesty thing…be all moral and…how does she know? Is there
some
psychic spell I'm not aware of? Because believe me, I've
looked, and
if I missed something…
"Oh, you're onto me? What exactly is it that I'm doin
then?" Oh,
okay…Spike. She's onto Spike. Well, that's okay then. No
need for
any of that honesty stuff then. Morals…ha…highly over-rated.
"You…Mr. I'm a big bad vampire,"
all tough with the threats and the fear a-and…but without
the bite
you gotta find another way to be the alpha. Well guess what?
YOU
are not the alpha male anymore! I am! I'm the big bad alpha
male,
got it?"
Peering through the crack between the doors, I can see
Spike's face
perfectly and try not to laugh as he arches an eyebrow,
smirking at
as she realizes what she's just said. "Well…you know
what I mean!
Not alpha male as in actual alpha MALE, but…you get the
idea. A-and
anyways…I don't have to do a damn thing you say!"
Wow.
Spike DOES have a tendency to want to run the show. Makes
sense that
these two would butt heads now and then, especially since
both of
them are so stubborn. But man is
"Red, listen to me. You CAN'T do this!" Okay, well
apparently Spike
is pretty pissed himself, which is actually a good thing,
cause I'm
thinking that if he weren't so distracted he would know I
was here
in a heartbeat…literally…heartbeat…get it? Cause he would
hear my
heart beating and…oh, crap, their talking again. I really
gotta stop
doing that!
"I absolutely forbid you from performing this
spell!" Uh-oh. That
did it. You're in for it now, Spike. Stupid vampire, should
have
known better. Besides, I'm backing
back equals smiles and high-fives all around. She has my
full
support, even if that doesn't really extend beyond the
interior of
this closet right now. I've got her back.
"You FORBID me? You forbid me!!" Yep, looks like
angry witch is
about to let stupid, egotistical vampire have it…and good.
"You
know, I seem to recall us already having a conversation
about this
and me telling you to go to hell!" Wow. Okay, I was
expecting an
outburst, but…wow.
"Don't you think for one second that you can tell me
what to do, got
it? I AM going to do this. I HAVE to do this." At that
I hear
something in her voice shift and I'm really wishing they
would kinda
rotate around so that I could see
shoulders slump forward and when she speaks again, her voice
is
quieter and almost sounds shaky. "I have to bring her
back, Spike.
I'm the only one that can do it, and…she died for us. She
could be
in hell, suffering, like Angel did, a-and I'm not going to
leave her
down there! I can't! I owe her…at least this much."
She's crying
now. I can tell. Without even seeing her face, I can tell,
and I
have to say I'm surprised. She's usually so good at holding
up that
wall, especially around Spike, but now…
"It's my fault," she whispers. What?
"What?" Spike's eyes go wide at the tiny
confession.
"It's my fault," she repeats. Yeah, got that part.
Why exactly does
she think it's her fault? "I…I didn't do enough. I
could have done
more. I should have tried…I don't know…something else.
Something
better, stronger. I should have, but I didn't and…and she
died
because I wasn't strong enough."
Wow. Okay, well there's a heart-wrenching thought. All this
time
shove the closet door open and come charging out to tell her
what I
think of that, but I stop myself just in time. Supposed to
be all
hidden and secretive. Hard to do that with the charging in
and the
telling her what's what.
"
you're fault, luv."
hand away as he reaches out and grabs it. "Don't you
think that we
all blame ourselves too? Every single day I think about it
and
relive it and figure out a way that I could have saved her.
Every
day! And Xander, you know how he blames himself, and
Giles…"
"But it isn't because of you,"
She was counting on ME and I couldn't do it." At that
the redhead
that I love so much breaks down completely and Spike pulls
her to
the bed, wrapping his arms around her. She cries against his
chest
for a few minutes and I think he's murmuring something to
her,
though I can't hear what it is. Finally, he slowly reaches
down and
gently tilts her head up, forcing her eyes to meet his.
"When are you going to get how great you are?" He
whispers, just
before leaning in and kissing her softly. Again, I have to
remind
myself that I'm supposed to be all stealthy and hiding.
Squealing
and jumping up and down would be highly inappropriate right
now.
Watching them as well as I can from my peep-hole, I see
her arms tightly around the blond, deepening the kiss. They
lean
into each other and it's obvious that this kiss is more
about solace
and need than anything else, and suddenly, for the first
time, I
feel like I'm intruding. I feel like I'm stealing away this
private
moment that is clearly so important to them both, and
wishing that I
had taught myself how to teleport so that I could leave them
be.
Leaning back in the darkness, I contemplate what
Buffy back would mean. Maybe it isn't as great as I thought
it
was. The spell looks pretty dangerous. Real dangerous,
actually,
and the more I think about it…I mean, okay, yeah, I want
Buffy back
as much as anyone, but not at the risk of losing Willow.
This is
just one more painful reminder of what we've done…what we've
lead
her to. She feels that she has to do this…to bring Buffy
back. She
doesn't understand…it isn't for her to decide and I'd rather
know
that I at least have her rather than nothing at all.
So maybe it's time…time to let Buffy go and concentrate on
helping
and healing the people who are still here.
Part 5
The next night I head up to bed, leaving a very tired
looking Willow
sitting alone in the living room, typing away on her
computer. Last
night was…well, intense. In the end,
she wouldn't perform the spell, much to his and MY relief.
Yep, I
said it. My relief. I just hoped she was telling the truth.
I knew
how stubborn
could be as well. I just hoped she wasn't too smart for her
own good
this time.
They ended up heading down stairs to fix some tea and I
finally made
my escape…with no one the wiser…at least as far as I know.
what I was looking for, but finding the one thing I had
hoped beyond
hope not to find. The book…the book with the spell…was
missing.
She lied. Dread filled me and I immediately headed out to
The Magic
Box, confirming my worst fears. There, in the loft, was the
book,
along with a pile of ingredients and a very old looking urn.
Before
I had a chance to do anything about it, Spike came strolling
in from
the basement and headed up to the loft. Guess he was looking
for
the same thing I was.
Seeing me standing there, looking down at the book and the
ingredients, he frowned. Neither of us said a word. Didn't
need
to. Tonight was the night, and we both knew what
planned. Bending down slowly, Spike lifted up the urn,
examining it
closely.
"It's the real deal," he mumbled, just before
raising it high over
his head and slamming it down onto the shop floor with a
loud crash.
I flinched slightly, not taking my eyes off of the blond
vampire.
Silently, he picked up the book and headed down the ladder
and
toward the basement, back to the sewers no doubt.
~*~
Hearing the door open, I go to the top of the stairs and
look down,
seeing Spike come storming in. Oh boy, show time.
Holding up a book, he glares at her. "Red, what is
this?" He
demands. Her eyes widen and her face turns red with anger.
"Where did you get that?" She hisses at him and I
thank anyone I can
think of that I'm up here, watching where I'll go unnoticed,
and out
of reach of the fury that's about to be unleashed between
these two.
"Never mind that just now," he tells her, not
backing down
slightly. "Tell me what this is."
"You know what it is," she answers, standing up
and taking a step
toward him. Her voice is steady and deep in the way that
I've grown
to become slightly weary of.
"Yeah, I do. And just what do you think you were going
to do with
it?" He steps back, holding the book further out of her
reach.
"None of your business," she snarls at him.
"Is that right? Well I'll tell you what, Red. When you
start messing
with things like this again, I'm making it my business. Now
tell me,
just what in the bloody hell you were planning on doing with
this
book!"
She stares at him, her face cold and hard. "I HAVE to
bring her
back," she says though clenched teeth. I can see the
determination
and anger in her eyes and again I feel a pang of guilt and
sadness
in knowing that we brought this on. We did this to her. We
put
this on her shoulders and now…
"You what?"
"I have to, Spike. You don't understand, I have to. I'm
powerful
now, and she…she needs me to…she jumped into hell, Spike, we
saw
her. If I left her down there…she would be suffering for
eternity a-
and it would be my fault, and…and I have to try…" At
that her
resolve breaks, and she fell back into a nearby chair,
sobbing. I
think maybe the worst of it is over. Maybe this is it…this
is the
push she needed to stop. Then again, maybe I'm dead wrong.
Spike's anger dissolves at seeing her breakdown, and he
kneels down
in front of her, gently pulling her hands away from her face
and
holding them in his own. I move down a few steps to get a
better
view, hoping and assuming I'll go unnoticed.
"Red…we talked about this. Not your fault,
remember?"
"I…I could have done more. I can do more. Please,
Spike, don't stop
me from doing this."
"Red, you don't even know where she is. She might not
be in hell.
And it isn't your fault. You did EVERYTHING you could and
then some.
Just like you told me…there was nothing more anyone could
have done.
Red, luv, you have to let this go."
"I can't," she sobs as he pulls her into his
embrace and she crushes
her face to his chest. I feel my own resolve slipping and a
few
tears slide down my cheeks.
"You have to, pet. This is the way it's meant to be.
You can't play
with things like that. You don't have the right, and you
know it.
Magic you're talking about now…it's dark and it's wrong, and
it will
lead you to bad places, and after everything…I won't let
that
happen. I won't let you destroy yourself. You can't attempt
to
manipulate life and death without dire consequences, and
magic like
that…it doesn't come without a price. You try it and you
WILL
destroy yourself."
"But, Spike…"
"No!
Do you understand? You do this and everything changes."
"But, I can make things better, and if I can bring her
back, then…"
she sobs, extracting herself from his arms and looking at
him, tears
streaming down her face. "Then you could be with her
and you would
finally be happy and with the one you love."
"What?" He looks at her in surprise and I have to
say I'm kinda
surprised at her words myself. I mean, any fool can see that
Spike
is head over heels in love with
fool…
"After everything you've done, she loved you Spike and
she would…a-
and you could be happy with the one you love," she
repeats quietly,
and I wonder how she can not know…how can she not see what
we all so
clearly see?
"
Well, duh! She shakes her head, not believing him.
"Spike…."
"No,
obsession, and maybe love, I don't know anymore, but…it
doesn't
compare to how I feel about you. Not by a long shot. And so
long
as I'm with you, I AM happy,
She shakes her head, still refusing to listen. "Spike,
I have to…"
"No! Willow, no." With that, he stands up and
walks over to the
fireplace, quickly chucked the book inside. The fire blasts
upward,
causing even me to jump, and he backs away as the book goes
up in
flames.
"No!!!" She screams and lungs forward, ready to
reach in and pull
the book out. He grabs her and holds her back as she slumps
to the
floor, sobbing more desperately, barely able to breath.
"No! Spike,
that was our only chance, and now…nooooo," she cries as
he cradles
her tightly in his arms, rocking her and stroking her hair
as he
watches the book burn.
I watch from my hidden perch and cry…not for my lost sister,
surprisingly enough, but for the redhead in the next room,
who has
become our everything, and whose sobs fill my heart and my
soul. I
cry for her strength and for her pain, and say a silent
prayer to
the gods that they give her the strength that she has given
us,
though I suspect that they have already granted that wish
with the
blond vampire holding onto her as she finally allows herself
to fall
apart.