A NEON GENESIS EVANGELION fanfic.
Rights belonging to GAINAX and AD Vision.
Used without permission.
A ripoff of something Chris McNeil and Aaron Peori
say Alan Harnum thought up.
EVA IN BRIEF
by E.L.Toh
Episode 1:
Shinji arrives in Tokyo-3. Character types are
rapidly established - Shinji is a wimp, Rei is
a mystery, Misato is a drunk, Gendou is a bastard,
Ritsuko is a Vulcan, Maya is impossible (dame desu!).
Episode 2:
Shinji stares at ceilings. Misato's joke about
not taking advantage of Shinji does not go down
well with Ritsuko. "She's always trying to make
me feel old!"
Episode 3:
Shinji is introduced the Suzuhara Fist of Justice.
Add Touji is a punk, Kensuke is a military geek and
Hikari is Miss Bossy. Later a cross between a squid
and an orchid inserts two tentacles into Eva Unit 01.
"Why me?" moans Shinji.
Episode 4:
Shinji runs away. He decides to come back - after
all there are twenty-two more episodes to go.
Episode 5:
Shinji fondles Rei. Lemon writers have a field day.
"I'm not a pervert," protests Shinji, "and I'm not gay!"
A large eight-sided die arrives in Tokyo-3 for the Eva
Unit 01 BBQ.
Episode 6:
There are a lot of talking shadows. And that's before
Misato causes a nation-wide blackout. Rei smiles. Her
fans are estatic.
Episode 7:
Big bio-mechanical robot vs. big mechnical robot. The
Jet Alone is found to be too ugly for the use in the
Red Earth Ceremony.
Episode 8:
Asuka shows off her white cotton panties. Shinji wears
Asuka's clothes. "You won't believe the size of that
thing and the struggle it put up but I eventually bagged
the sucker!" Henceforth no one tells fishing stories
around Misato.
Episode 9:
Shinji and Asuka bicker endlessly. Writers, locked
in Ranma mode, decide they MUST be in love. Later Asuka
joins Shinji on his futon. Lemon writers have a field
day.
Episode 10:
Asuka simulates the effect of eating too many
cheesy poofs. Sandalphon experiences thermal
contraction while Shinji displays thermal expansion
to Pen-Pen. "How embarrassing," he mutters.
Episode 11:
Someone at NERV forgot to pay the electricity bill.
Maya looks up Ritsuko's skirt. John Biles and Rod M
use Matariel to herald the arrival of the best Eva
elseworlds fic to date.
Episode 12:
The cost of great Eva animation means Tzachquiel
looks like an omelette with wings. Misato cheats
the Eva pilots of the steak dinners which they
risked their lives for. "I don't mind," says Rei.
Episode 13:
Ritsuko and Maya force Iroul to co-exist with
Microsoft Windows. The computer virus angel chooses
suicide.
Episode 14:
Gendou denies that Iroul the Eleventh Angel ever
existed. Nobody ever explains why SEELE numbers
the other Angels from twelve after this.
Episode 15:
Asuka forces Shinji to French. Lemon writers have
a field day. Rei is a persistent truant.
Episode 16:
Shinji enters the realm of abstract mathematics.
Cat fights galore. Rei argues with Misato. Rei
glares at Asuka. Misato slaps Ritsuko. Eva Unit
01 needs shower after blood bath.
Episode 17:
NERV takes over new Eva that the Americans don't
want to play with anymore. After failing to pick
up Maya, Kaji buys Shinji tea. "I am not gay.
Really. And are these watermelons?" "It is my
secret attempt to clone Misato-chan."
Episode 18:
Kensuke would give an arm and a leg to be an Eva
pilot. Instead it's Touji who gets the chance to
do so.
Episode 19:
Zeruel humiliates Asuka. "I'm the one who does
the humiliating around here," she protests. Shinji
cringes. Unit 01 has Angel take-out. "Tastes like
chicken," it says.
Episode 20:
Spot Maya's pink Hello Kitty cushion. Shinji
fantasizes about a foursome. "Don't you?" he says
defensively. Misato triumphs where Ritsuko the
Greatest Scientist in the Universe fails.
Episode 21:
We are introduced to Shinji's mom. Yui is a babe.
Therefore, by that eternal law of the real life
universe, she has to fall for a scumbag. Of course
there was also that nice Professor Fuyutsuki. Kaji
shoots someone for being late. I think.
Episode 22:
Arael plays Handel's Messiah in Asuka's head. We
learn why she has permanent PMS. Rei sets new world
record for javelin throw.
Episode 23:
"Oh my god! They killed Rei!" "You bastards!"
"Oh, hi, Rei. What's up?" Ritsuko puts an end
to Gendou's dream of a mail order Rei in every
household. This author demands a refund.
Episode 24:
Shinji takes a bath with Kaworu. Translations
vary over whether Kaworu declared that he loves
or likes Shinji. "Oh my god! I killed Kaworu!
I'm a bastard! But I AM NOT GAY!"
Episode 25:
Hello? Does anyone know what is going on?
Episode 26:
From the seed of a five minute alternate universe,
Jim Lazar plants the Garden of Eva. Henceforth,
trees are classified under 'anatomy' instead of
'botany'.
Evangelion: Death
Shinji, Asuka, Rei and Kaworu form a foursome.
What? Oh. Sorry. It's called a quartet. Gainax
redoes the 'Rei smiles' scene from Episode 6.
"No more Haagen Daz until after the reshoot," said
Anno. "Not fair," pouts Rei.
The End of Evangelion:
Shinji strangles the chicken before an unconscious
Asuka. Lemon writers have a field day. "Told you
I wasn't gay," mutters Shinji. Well, he could be bi.
"Hey!"
Asuka auditions for 'The Attack of the Fifty Foot
Woman'. Her fun ends when Unit 02 doesn't do an
Energizer Bunny... oh, I mean a Unit 01 until it's
too late. "Sheesh," says Asuka. Kebab.
"We are the Rei. You will be assimiliated. Resistance
is futile. Do you want fries with that?"
And we are all still waiting for Andrew Huang and
Part Four.
THE END
Version 1.0 - 19 Nov 1999
version 2.0 - 5 Dec 1999
Many thanks to Anand Rao, Rebeka Thomas, Robert Haynie,
and John Biles for their suggestions and c&c.
contact: toheel@singnet.com.sg or teloong@cwcom.net
archive: http://www.teloong.mcmail.com/
(
geocities.com/seele_hq)