--
SPOILER ALERT - The following fan-fiction contains spoilers. Watch the
entire series first. I'm not joking.
--
This fan fiction is adapted from Neon Genesis Evangelion, produced by
Gainax. All characters thereof are the property of Gainax. They are used
without permission and no claim on them is made by this author.
--
Previous parts can be found at:
http://wyrmhole.net/abp/fanfic.html
I am Myself, part 3
by Chris Burke
--
Don't don't don't let's start.
This is the worst part:
to believe for all the world
that you're my precious little girl.
-- They Might be Giants
--
Misato sat down in her living room and opened her beer. The sun
shone through the windows and onto the floor. The rectangular beams of
light were made visible in the air by slowly spinning dust motes. They
danced gracefully, each incandescing in turn as it whirled to catch the
light. Misato watched the ballet, silently grateful for this rare moment
of peace.
When she heard the front door open, she was reluctant to break
the silence to discover who was there. Then the door crashed violently
against its frame, leaving no doubt as to who had arrived. The
destruction of her peace was brief and merciless.
"Hi, Asuka" she said hopefully as the red-head blazed into the
room.
"Don't 'Hi Asuka' me," she yelled as she walked through the room
without slowing. "Don't even speak to me. Between you and Wonder Girl,
I'm so pissed right now I can't breathe." She was out of sight before
Misato could even say a word.
Misato sat quietly, and jerked when she heard the door to Asuka's
room slam. Then she took a long draught of beer.
It wasn't long before the front door opened again, and Misato's
second charge made a more peaceful entrance. She made a second attempt:
"Hi, Shinji-kun."
"Hi, Misato-san," he replied. Not cheerfully, but with a measure of
comfort.
Misato relaxed, just a little. At least someone was being nice to
her. "Have a good day at school?"
Shinji shrugged. "Not really."
"Oh," she said, a little surprised by the honest answer. "Um... any reason, or just the same stuff as usual?"
"Asuka," he said, downtrodden. "She's in a really bad mood today."
"I noticed."
"Sorry," he said.
"Hm..." Misato ignored the apology, but at the same time wondered
why he took Asuka's moods so personally. "Shinji... She said something
about Rei when she came in..."
She saw him draw inward slightly, then reply: "I didn't see it,
but I heard they got in a fight at lunch." He then added softly: "I wish
she'd leave Ayanami alone."
"Hmmm..." Misato said, only partly feeling sympathy for the boy.
she wanted to say, She refrained
from asking, instead watching Shinji leave for his own room.
When it came to raising teenagers, Misato admitted she really
didn't know what she was doing. She was winging it, and ended up making
a lot of mistakes. Mistakes she would hear about, especially from Asuka.
Yet she could live with that. Being somehow dragged into someone else's
argument was another matter.
For the moment, however, she enjoyed her beer and the silence.
--
"What is happening to me?" Rei cried out at the bare wall of her
apartment. With a cry she hurled her pillow at its muteness.
she thought, Her breathing slowed, and she sat
on her bed.
A week. She'd lost a week of her life unaccountably. How was this
possible? It made no sense. she told herself. She must have been active -- missing a week of
work would not have gone unnoticed. She had been living, but couldn't
remember it. What had she done? Perhaps Asuka was the key. Something
must have happened within the missing week to make Asuka respond like
that. But she couldn't remember.
The
possibilities churned through her mind briefly, but she stopped them.
If there was a physical explanation for the missing week, then there was
no point in trying to diagnose it herself. That was the Doctor's job.
Having reached that conclusion, her spirits rose considerably. No
sense worrying about the unknown. In the meantime, Asuka may be a more
difficult problem now, but she still had her Shin-chan. Or would have
him. She smiled and went to prepare her dinner.
--
Misato leaned against the wall of the hallway outside of the cages
with her arms crossed. She said nothing when Asuka walked past her to
the locker rooms; the Second Child didn't even look at her.
"Good job today, Shinji-kun," she encouraged when he passed. He
shrugged and mumbled thanks.
When Rei entered the hall, Misato stepped away from the wall. "Rei,
I want to talk to you."
Rei stopped in front of Misato and clasped her hands behind her
back. "What is it, sir?"
There it was again - that strange tone. Now Misato knew she hadn't
been imagining the voice from the entry plug. She couldn't identify it,
though... "Well, first, I wanted to say you did very well today. Your
best score yet."
"Thank you, sir," she said, and a faint smile showed on her face.
"Is something wrong, Rei?" Misato lowered her arms and leaned
forward.
"No... I was just going to go see Dr. Akagi after I change."
Cheerful. Rei sounded cheerful. Misato was confused.
She moved on to the reason she had stopped the First. "What
happened with you and Asuka? She came home from school yelling at me
about you."
To Misato's continued amazement, a clear expression of sorrow
materialized on Rei's face. "I was just trying to be nice," she said. "I
just wanted to be friends. But she yelled at me." The girl looked up at
her officer. "She said you ordered me to do it."
"Well, I have said it would be good if you got along better,"
Misato responded, still trying to put her head around what was going on.
"I never really thought it'd happen, though. You two have never gotten
along."
"Why?" Rei pleaded. "What did I do to her? I want to be friends."
"Rei?" Misato asked incredulously, as if wondering if she was
talking to the right person. "Rei, what is wrong?"
"What do you mean?" Rei asked, taking a step back.
"You're acting strange. What is wrong?"
"N.. Nothing..." the girl responded, backing up more.
Misato added nervousness to the growing list of previously unknown
emotional expression. She forgot about Asuka. Something was wrong with
her pilot, and Misato's instinct for command took over. "Rei," she said
firmly. She backed Rei against the wall, put her hand beside the girl's
head. "Tell me what is wrong. That is an order."
Rei didn't respond directly. She bent her head down, and moaned
softly. Misato held still, waiting. "Rei," she said sharply.
The girl raised her head and fixed Misato with a flat, solid gaze.
"There is nothing wrong, sir," she said in the manner of Ayanami Rei.
Misato remained leaning over the girl, but the firmness of her
voice was gone. "Rei?"
"I am well, sir. There are no problems."
The Major stood there in confusion. What happened?
"May I go now, sir?"
"Umm... Sure," Misato answered, because she couldn't think of a
reason why not.
She watched the pilot walk away for a moment, then hurried in the
opposite direction. She caught the elevator just before the doors closed
to take Dr. Akagi down to her lab.
"I need to talk to you," she said between breaths. "Something just
happened."
"What?" Ritsuko asked calmly.
"I was just talking to Rei, and she was acting really weird. I mean
really weird, for Rei. Like happy, and sad, and she was talking a lot.
Then suddenly she was back to normal." Misato frowned. "For Rei," she
qualified.
"Is that so?" Ritsuko said nonchalantly.
"I wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it." Misato followed Ritsuko
out of the elevator. "I'm worried. Could this be evidence of that
'mental instability' you mentioned before?"
"Perhaps," Ritsuko said half-heartedly as the pair entered the
lab. "Or it could be she's just opening up more. Or it's that time of
the month. I don't know, but as long as she's piloting well, I wouldn't
worry about it."
"It's my job to worry about the pilots," Misato said, folding her
arms. "If there's a problem, I need to deal with it before it affects
her piloting."
"You're not usually so pro-active," Ritsuko observed sardonically.
Misato replied tersely: "If you're theory's correct, the last time
something like this happened she was grounded for two months. That is
something to worry about."
"It was just a theory," Ritsuko countered. Then she sighed, and
said: "I understand your concern, but you should really leave matters
involving Ayanami Rei to me. It's better that way."
"Hmm... Is that so?" Misato muttered. "All right, I'll let you
handle it. That's all I wanted to talk about, so I'd better get going."
Misato wasn't satisfied, but Ritsuko's feigned indifference put her on
guard. She turned out of the lab, and left for home.
Half an hour later, Rei walked down the hallway, dressed once
again in her school uniform. As she approached the partially open double
doors, she heard the Commander and Dr. Akagi speaking. She stepped near
to the door and listened, to determine if it would be an inopportune
time to enter.
"And has the increased dosage had any effect?"
"It's too early to say," Dr. Akagi's voice answered. "The incidents
have been growing more frequent, though it has been a week since she
reported anything."
"Will this affect her ability to pilot?"
"No, assuming she doesn't kill herself by overdosing again."
"That is your responsibility. There will not be another accident."
"Yes, sir."
"Dismissed."
Rei leaned against the wall beside the door. Two thoughts came to
her, invoking despair and anger in turn: and then
She stood and faced the door to the office as it opened and shut.
"Oh, Rei," Ritsuko said. "Were you looking for me or for Commander
Ikari?"
Rei said nothing, her eyes locked on the Doctor's.
"So you overheard us."
Rei nodded briefly. Her stare intensified.
"Don't look at me like that," Ritsuko admonished. "He already
knew."
"You said you would not tell him." Rei's flat statement carried
condemnation.
"He's known for a long time, Rei. There's no point in trying to
hide anything from him, so I may as well keep him updated. He ordered me
to, after all." Seeing Rei's unwavering look, she continued: "Well, fine
then. We have tests to do, so come on." She left toward her lab.
Rei watched the Doctor's back for a moment, then followed.
--
Rei looked around her apartment, illuminated by her dim desk
lamp. The bed, the walls, her hanging clothes. Familiar things that had
become suddenly threatening, their presence a source of anxiety. Seeing
them, the dirty bandages, the refrigerator on which her pills sat, one
panicked question came to her mind.
The last thing she remembered was Major Katsuragi confronting her
in the hallway outside the cages. She was going to go see Dr. Akagi. She
looked at the clock. Four hours had passed without her knowledge.
she thought. If she wasn't already... She picked up her phone, and dialed
Dr. Akagi.
"Hello," the Doctor answered.
"Dr. Akagi," Rei said. Her voice shook slightly.
"What do you want now?" she answered tersely.
Rei hesitated briefly, hearing her tone. "Doctor... I need your
help badly. I meant to see you today, but..."
"What's wrong?" Dr. Akagi's voice was suddenly filled with concern.
"I don't know. I can't remember anything that happened today after
the tests. And I can't remember last week at all. Nothing is making any
sense, and I'm worried I'm cracking up."
Dr. Akagi sighed. Her calm helped to relax Rei. "Have you been
taking your medication?"
"My medication?"
"Yes, Rei. The little tablets that come in the child-proof
bottles?"
"Ah... Actually, I think I forgot to take them today."
The Doctor clicked her tongue. "Rei, I've told you how important
taking your medication is for your health. I told you that if you didn't
take it you wouldn't be able to pilot."
"I'm sorry," Rei answered. "I've been forgetful lately, and I've
been preoccupied with the memory loss. It's been frightening."
"It's all right. Just go take your pills now, and I'm certain
you'll start feeling better."
"Yes, sir. I'll do that."
"Good. Goodbye." The Doctor hung up.
Rei set the phone down, feeling much relieved. She swallowed
two pills from the bottle. "Silly girl. You'd worried yourself over
nothing," she said, laughing lightly.
Minutes later she was struggling for her bed, her head pounding.
--
The next day, Rei traversed the walkway to the entry plug poised
above Unit 00's exposed neck. Her feet carried her automatically towards
her duties, as her mind roamed in a realm of doubt.
she thought, and the thought disturbed her.
If Akagi could be believed, it could have been a long time. Akagi could
not be trusted, but she may have been telling the truth. Perhaps the
Doctor had betrayed her much earlier.
Today, even, he had done
nothing but tell Akagi to continue. She wanted to think that it was
not a problem. She wanted to think that the Commander trusted Doctor
Akagi, and that she should as well. She wanted reassurance, but she had
none. Her thoughts instead dwelled on the possibility that he had known
/then/. Had known yet not resisted. Still done that to her.
She ascended the final step to the platform by the plug. Roboticly
she climbed into the plug. The hatch shut above her. Disorientation as
the plug spun home. A brief loss of self as the connection began, and
then the plug was filled with the view of the Eva cages.
The synch test began.
The Major spoke. "Rei, you're slipping. Concentrate."
"Yes, sir," she said softly.
Her brow creased.
She barely noticed when the test ended, becoming aware only when
the connection was severed and the plug was again dark.
"Good job, Asuka and Shinji," the Major's voice said cheerfully
over the comm. The two pilots left their Evas for the locker room.
Alone in the cages, Rei heard Misato's voice. "Rei, this was a poor
showing. Fifty-five is your worst in three months. I know you can do
better; just this week you had your personal best. Shape up."
"Yes, sir." Her voice did its job of concealing any emotion she
felt well. She exited the plug, stopping on the platform to breathe in
failure. On her way to the locker room, with each step, she repeated
to herself:
--
When Ayanami awoke the first thing she did was check the date on
her clock. Her shoulders slumped. With a sigh, she picked up
the bottle from her refrigerator.
Rei stopped with two pills in one hand, and her water in the other,
stilled by a sense of deja vu. She frowned.
/Have you been taking your medication?/
She set down the water, and looked more closely at the pill bottle.
The label looked the same, but last she could recall the bottle was
close to half empty, but now was full. She had been taking the pills,
enough to need a refill, but didn't remember. There were weeks she
couldn't remember, and she must have been taking the pills then.
She remembered taking the pills the day she had called Shinji,
before the missing week. That morning, she'd found the note on her door,
that she didn't remember writing. She looked, and saw a piece of paper
on the floor by the door. Picking it up, she read
Take your medication.
--Ayanami Rei
/Have you taken your medication?/
The note had puzzled her then, but now it frightened her. She'd
done as the note said, and took the pills.
/Have you taken your medication?/
The pills fell out of her hand as it went limp. She watched them
scatter across the floor in horror, as though they were hideous insects
scurrying away. Something terrible was happening to her, something she
was only beginning to understand, and those pills were not the remedy.
They were the cause.
And the Doctor knew it.
Her stomach clenched, and the unfamiliar feeling of fear came over
her. She fought the feeling, though, pushing it back to the recesses of
her mind with anger. Then she calmed her anger, molding it into a grim
determination. The moment called for action, not panic. Doctor Akagi
was probably the second most powerful person in NERV, and a dangerous
person to have as an enemy. If that was what she was. Ayanami was still
too much in the dark to be sure, and that was the first thing that must
change. She picked up her security card and put it in her pocket, then
left her apartment.
--
Ayanami walked down a long hallway, removed from Central Dogma
by a half dozen floors. She moved quickly, ducking into a little-used
computer room. She shut the door without turning the lights on, and
logged on to a console. Though she could move with impunity through
the NERV complex, her actions would undoubtedly be noted by security
and subsequently appear in a report. That report might find its way to
the desk of the Commander, who would then question Rei. This was not a
problem. Before that happened, she would have all the facts.
Her level of computer access would give her a chance to discover
what it was that she couldn't remember. She called up the surveillance
video archive, and began her search starting a week ago. The image
recognition software used in concert with the archiving system made it
a quick matter to find a list of time-indexed recordings in which she
appeared. She picked the first, and the video appeared.
Within two minutes of watching, Rei thought she was going to be
sick.
The image was of a long, non-descript hallway. Her and the
other two pilots were walking down it. Asuka and Shinji were talking
animatedly, while she... she just walked behind them. No facial
expression at all, limbs moving rigidly, with no life at all. When the
trio got near the camera, she could see clearly the blank mask that her
own face was wearing.
She called up the next video. A conference room, the pilots
destination. They took their seats. They may have been watching one
of the Major's presentations, but the cameras didn't show it. They did
show Rei her own face, again an expressionless mask. Asuka fidgeted,
Shinji tried to look interested. She herself... did nothing. Blinking.
Breathing. Nothing else.
She selected another at random. She saw the Second speaking to this
image that looked like Ayanami Rei. Whatever Asuka said, it amused her.
The image of Rei made no reaction at all. The eyes focused on the other
pilot, but there was nothing else.
"What the hell?" she said out loud, and selected another video.
"I take these pills, and they make me into this... zombie? Some inhuman
robot?" She spat the words. "How long has this been going on?" She
started going through older videos. The online archive only went back
six months, but it didn't take long for her to conclude that this...
/thing/ that looked like her had been around for a while. In the videos,
none of the other people were looking at her strange. They were ignoring
her, as if her being a soul-less automaton was normal.
/I'm not a fucking doll like you./
Asuka's words started to make sense. She'd been on this awful drug
for so long, people thought that was the real her. Now she realized why
everyone else had seemed to be acting strange -- because to them, she
was the one acting strange. She was going to have to tell Gendo as soon
as possible -- tell him what the Doctor had done to her.
A part of the video caught her eye, something that caught at the
darker portions of her memory. Another conference room scene, where the
pilots were leaving. She rewound, and this time she caught her breath.
For a brief moment, Rei was not watching an automaton with her body,
but her own self from years ago. The image of Rei on the screen stood
from her seat while the other two pilots backs were turned. The sagging
of the shoulders, the bending of the head and spine, as though lifting
a great weight, resonated in Rei's memory. She could feel that weight,
remember what it felt like. None of the others in the video noticed, but
Rei knew that gesture, knew of the deep-seated pain that it spoke of.
Pain she didn't want to remember.
She'd been too young to understand what had happened, the first
time she was brought back from death. She'd just felt that something
wasn't quite right. Eventually she learned how true that was. She came
to understand, and know what she was. The resulting feeling of futility,
of worthlessness, pushed her into a deep depression. Depression that
had lasted years. She remembered trying to kill the pain by killing
everything. Push every emotion down so she felt nothing. She looked at
the screen. She'd acted like that, trying to be an unfeeling robot. It
never worked.
She had been in those
depths, but the only person, the only thing she had cared about at all
came to her aid. Gendo had helped her find her way out. He had came to
her, and shown her that she did have worth. Shown her that happiness was
an alternative to despair. Shown her that instead of pain, there could
be pleasure.
Yet now that self from long ago had returned, almost as though a
separate person, and was taking over her mind when she took those drugs.
The thought of being sent back to that, even if she couldn't remember it
when it happened, enraged her.
She left the computer room, anger carrying her down the halls. In
minutes she was standing before the Commanders office, prepared to knock
open the doors and let him know that one among those he trusted could
not be.
"The Commander's gone today, Rei."
Rei turned to face Ritsuko, staring down the older woman.
"What, are you still angry with me?" Ritsuko said, condescension
in her tone. "I told you, he already knew. I didn't tell you he knew
because he said I shouldn't. It was his decision. You can take it up
with him."
Rei didn't understand. Then, despite her anger, she realized that
Akagi didn't know who she was talking to. She acted on an unformed plan.
"Yes, sir," she said, trying to keep herself completely calm.
"Hm. Well, I have work to do."
"Yes, sir," she said flatly to Ritsuko's back.
Rei turned the way she had come. The plan was forming in her mind.
Until she could talk to Gendo, Ritsuko could not know that she knew.
Which meant that she had to make Ritsuko think she was still taking the
drug.
She found a bathroom, and stood in front of the mirror. she thought. She tried to put on the most flat face she could.
She could only hold it for a few seconds before her lip curled down in
anger at having to do this, or curled into a smirk at the ridiculousness
of it all. She looked, focusing on the part of her that couldn't understand
what was happening, the part that wanted to give in. The part that
remembered that time. She could almost feel her emotion draining away.
she thought, and had to quickly wipe away her grin
of triumph.
Despite her success, she decided that the best strategy was to
avoid everyone she could rather than test her acting ability. She was
near the railway that would take her out of the Geofront when she saw
the Third Child, walking alone toward the station.
"Ikari-kun!" she cried happily, before remembering her plan.
Shinji was headed toward her.
"Hey, Ayanami," Shinji said. "Are you okay?"
"Yes," she said, not breaking her act just yet. Seeing his concern for her, she felt a feeling of happiness,
and another feeling, that she hadn't felt in over a week. In spite of
herself, a small smile appeared on her face.
"A... Ayanami..."
"Ikari-kun," she said. As she spoke the words, she felt her temples
begin to throb. She put her hand to her head. "Ikari-kun..."
"What is it, Ayanami?"
Her head was starting to ache, and the ache was growing by the
second. An ache that suddenly seemed familiar. "What... is it happening
again?"
"Ayanami... What..." Shinji stood back, not understanding what was
going on.
"Ikari-kun, I..."
Her head seemed to swell with pain, and for a moment she felt faint. Her
body started to sag, but before she collapsed she caught herself.
"Are you okay? Should I get a doctor?" Shinji's voice was wet with
worry.
"No. I am fine," she said.
"Oh, uh... are you sure?"
"It is just a headache. It will pass."
--
Rei was laying stretched out on her bed, chin
resting on her folded arms. The thought didn't matter much to her.
Nothing mattered to her, especially herself.
If it was /her/ that the Commander wanted, she
would give in. If she could not be useful herself, then she would be
useful by letting another take her place. Even if it meant... Oblivion.
She lay there, contemplating the comforting thought of an end to
herself. Cast aside, she would slowly slip away into nothingness, and
another Ayanami Rei could do the Commander's bidding. That would be...
pleasant.
She lay there for nearly an hour, quietly, as if waiting for the
Rei who was not herself to come and send her away. As the first hour
turned into the second, she could no longer ignore the beating of her
heart, and it's message that she was not as serene as she wished to be.
What did she want? She wanted to be useful. She wanted the
Commander to find her useful. Her, not some other Ayanami Rei. At the thought she was filled, not for the first time in her life,
with disgust.
Yet that thought, that feeling, did not stop her desire. She wanted
to be useful. She needed to be, could not be otherwise.
For the second time, /she/ had nearly gotten to Shinji. Why did it
happen just then? Could she have been resisting? That was not important.
What she saw now was that she could not give up. She had to protect
Ikari-kun. That mattered to her.
Which meant that, disgusting as she was, she would have to find a
way to become useful again.
--
The next day Rei spent at school, heading to the Geofront after
class was dismissed. Today the Commander would be back, and she was to
eat dinner with him. She hadn't thought of any way to redeem herself,
and was beginning to think it was a futile effort.
As usual it was late when she arrived at the NERV cafeteria. The
last kitchen staff person remaining stood listlessly. As soon as he had
handed Rei her tray of vegetables, he hung his apron up and left. She
turned and faced the Commander. He was sitting with his back towards
her, the only other person in the room. She went to him.
The silence of the cafeteria was broken by the clattering of a
chair against a table. Ayanami managed to keep her tray level, narrowly
avoiding spilling her food onto the floor. She straightened the chair
she had bumped into, then continued. Her legs seemed to not want to obey
her. A second time she nearly fell over herself.
The Commander did not appear to notice.
Rei sat across from him. Calming herself so she was able to hold
her chop sticks steady, she ate deliberately. Yet her mind quested
feverishly. She looked at him, hoping he would somehow give her the
answer she wanted.
He said nothing, but Rei noticed the tiniest of twitches in his
shoulders when she raised her head to look at him. Gone in a moment, but
she knew what it meant. In spite of everything, he still felt tension
and guilt over /that/.
She looked down at her plate.
No, it was her own fault. He valued /her/. He had known the entire time.
It was her that had made him feel this way. But then what could she do?
And then she knew. It would not be easy, but she knew it must be done.
She stood up. Desperation overrode any hesitation she might have
had. The Commander's hand paused in front of his mouth for a split
second when she rose, but he continued. Without words, without even
looking at him, she moved around the table and sat to his left. Not just
on the same side, but near enough that as she sat her shoulder brushed
his.
The Commander froze completely. When she edged slightly closer, so
their bodies touched at two places, the broccoli he held dropped to the
plate. Still, neither spoke a word or turned their head. After a few
moments, he picked the vegetable up again ate it. Was this rejection? Or
denial? She could not afford either. Slowly, clumsily, she put her right
arm around him as far as she could, pulling them tighter together.
Two wooden sticks hit the tray. He turned his body part way toward
her, and he looked down at her. She looked up, but couldn't see his
eyes through the glasses. She wanted to see his eyes, so she would know.
His left hand rose to gently hold the back of her head, fingers tracing
through her hair. Breath after breath rose from her lungs, faster and
faster, her need for an answer rising like a fever, before his lips
parted.
"Rei," he breathed, soft and powerful. His arms closed tightly
around her. Then he bent his head, and pressed his lips into hers.
--
end part 3
first posted 6/7/2001
wyrm@engin.umich.edu
http://wyrmhole.net/abp
--
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geocities.com/seele_hq)