Note: All characters, etc., are copyright Gainax, ADV Films, etc... This is only made for entertainment purposes and is not meant to infringe on the copyright laws yadda yadda yadda...You know the standard disclaimer bit.

Author's note: First EVA fic, might as well be total crap. Send all hate mail, complaints, etc., to knight_of_ice@hotmail.com. And yes, this was inspired by 'Rei's Odd Day' by Ottoman 27, but I have no intention to rip it off, just to use the idea of the Security Guard watching in the distance (you can get a few cheap laughs in that way).

    "Something's not right here," Asuka said to herself as she looked at Rei from her desk. Normally, the blue-haired girl would just be staring out the window by now, but today, Rei was carving skulls into her desk. Asuka couldn't believe what she was seeing...Rei had actually taken the song to heart, and now was a depressive freak. The redhead smiled, and said, "This is too cool."
    Meanwhile, a few desks away, Shinji had also been noticing the change in Rei. "This is too scary," he said to Kensuke and Touji, as he stared at her, "Rei's not acting normal."
    "Maybe it's the result of some government conspiracy, and that scientists are testing all sorts of mind-altering chemicals on her so that they have a new weapon to use on enemy soldiers, and soon, the entire populace...Yeah, that's it. They're going to spread this chemical all over, so that they can widdle down everyone's willpower to nothing, and they can take over and start the invasions from Neptune!" Kensuke said, with glasses beaming and sweat forming on his brow.
    "Um, Kensuke...What happened over the weekend?" Touji asked, a huge sweatdrop on his face, as well as Shinji's.
    "Nothing, except that I've found out that the government is after me, man......They know I know too much, and they're gonna take me out at all costs. Well, this is one man they're not gonna rub out! YOU HEAR THAT? YOU'RE NOT TAKING ME ALIVE, DAMNIT!" Kensuke shouted, looking all around for any sign of government agents.
    "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight," Shinji said, a huge sweatdrop forming once again on his face, "Anyway Touji, what do you think happened to Rei?"
    "Maybe it was that music she listened to this morning. You know she's impressionable."
    "Yeah, maybe..."
    At that same moment, a few yards away from the school, someone was watching, hidden from view. He waited, in a large tree, holding a pair of binoculars in one hand and a phone in the other.
    "This is Starks. I've got something here to report about the First Child." the man said, bringing the binoculars down from his face for a minute. He was dressed in a black officer's uniform, with a badge that had 'Lt. Max Stark, NERV Security' printed on it.
    "Go ahead, Lieutenant. What's the situation?" the voice on the phone asked.
    "It's a situation, alright," the officer answered, raising his binoculars once more, "It appears to be a mood disorder of some kind. The First Child has what seems to be depression, and hasn't made any contact with anyone since leaving the apartment at..."
    "We get the point," the voice responded, "Just keep an eye on her, okay?"
    "Will do. Out." Starks said as he hung up. He brought down the binoculars, cleaned off his glasses, and leaned back against the trunk of the tree. Starks then said to himself, "I should get promoted for doing such a mind-numbing job. I graduated law school, for God's sake. I expected to be signed on as a Chief of Security or something, but no, I had to start off being a common officer...Damned NERV."
    With that, he turned his attention back to the First Child, and let out a sigh of disappointment. To his surprise, the girl wasn't there. He checked his watch, and realized it was their lunch period. "Finally, a break," he said as climbed down from the tree, and into his nearby car, "Now Tochiro can take over for a while."

    "Rei? Are you feeling okay?" Shinji asked, as he took a seat next to her during lunch.
    "Life..." she started, "...is pain."
    "That's what I've said all along, finally someone is listening to me!" he said in a joyous manner, "I feel great! Someone actually understands me! Life is great..."
    Suddenly, Shinji just realized the paradox he just worked his way into. He quietly sulked next to Rei, mumbling about how much 'life sucks now that it was great'.
    "That's a first. Shinji being happy with life." Touji said. from a few tables away.
    "But is it really for the right reasons?" Asuka asked, unusually being nice to the Stooges.
    "You're right. It's for the wrong reasons..." Kensuke started, "You see, they've just tested the chemical on someone who's usually depressed, and made them happy, something no down-on-life person would ever want to be! Don't you see? They're out to control us through psychological warfare! I'M ONTO YOU, YOU CRUEL BASTARDS!" he finished as he darted out of the room, trying to run from any 'agents' that might be coming after him.
    "You know, the only reason we hang out with him is because he has a killer sound system." Touji finally said after a long pause, trying to save face with everyone. The sweatdrops on Asuka's and Hikari's faces disappeared, as they continued their conversation.
    "Do you seriously think it was the music, Hikari?" Asuka asked, "I mean, Static X isn't really that depressing..."
    "Yes, but to someone who takes everything as literally as Rei does, it could very well have been it." the class brain replied.
    "Are you sure?" Touji asked, taking another glance at the depressed duo.
    "Yes. The best thing to do would be to remove the two from each other's presence," Hikari started, "And then send someone to talk to Shinji and Rei. Asuka, you'll probably be able to snap Rei out of it..."
    "...And I'll get Shinji." Touji interrupted.
    "No, I will, actually. You can handle our friend Kensuke." Hikari replied.
    "Since when do you want to talk to Shinji, Hikari?" Asuka asked.
    "Well, he IS a nice guy...I swear, it's not because I hope to one day be his girlfriend and stay with him until we graduate, then become Ikari Hikari, and carry his child, and have a family with him, and get a nice job as a teacher somewhere, only to have him stop by and..." Hikari started, but then paused, noticing the strange glances everyone at the table was giving her, especially Touji and Asuka, then saying, "Well, I just think I'll be able to handle him better."
    "Oh." both replied, not caring to know what the hell the class rep was getting at.
    Meanwhile, at the table across the room, Rei and Shinji were conversing...or at least as close to conversing as two nonsocial, shy people can be.
    "Life is pain..." Rei said.
    "Life is hell, because now it is good." Shinji said, still sulking.
    "How can life be bad when it is good?" Rei asked.
    "Well," he started, "When you are so used to having no one understand why you hate life, then to have someone understand you, life is no longer pain. But then you realize that if someone understands you, that means life is not as painful as it seems, and the whole purpose of life being painful is no one understanding you, so if technically, someone was to understand me, life wouldn't be painful and I would have no right to say so, defeating the whole purpose of being understood in the first place."
    "I don't understand." she said quietly.
    "Yes! Yes! Yes! No one understands me again! Life is back to being crap! I think I'm the happiest I've ever been! Oh, I love-" Shinji started, but then realized what he was saying, "Damn, life sucks now."
    "I know how you feel," Rei said, "I understand."
    Meanwhile, far away, in a car, a man with a mustache and glasses was watching the events going on within the class.
    "Stupid Tochiro, calling in sick..." Starks mumbled to himself as he watched the First and Third Children through a pair of binoculars. He picked up the cell phone, and started to dial a familiar number.
    "Hello, NERV Security, how may we help you today?" an automated voice on the line said.
    "What the hell?" the man said to himself, "When did NERV get automated services?"
    "If you have an angel attack you'd like to report, please press 1 now. If there is an attack that you believe may be caused by an angel, please press 2 now. If there is an attack that you believe may be caused by Barbara Streissand, press 3 now."
    "Ye Gods." Starks said to himself as he shuddered at the thought of a giant Babs wrecking havoc throughout New York City.
    "If you have a UFO sighting you'd like to report, press the pound sign now. If you have a sudden craving for Cajun food, press four for NERV's 'Grill a la Cajun' delivery service."
    "Hmmm, Cajun..." the man says to himself, remembering he hadn't had anything to eat yet that day.
    "If you are a NERV Security Officer with an update or Report, press five now." the voice said as Starks did so, "Please hold."
    As Starks kept an eye on Rei and Shinji, the song 'Stairway To Heaven' by Led Zeppelin could be heard on the line.
    "Hmmm, interesting hold music." the man said to himself, pleased with the choice.
    "Hello, NERV Chief of Security Simmons speaking."
    "Chief, I've got some interesting news for you."
    "Did the new South Park movie come out?" he replied in a hopeful tone.
    "No sir, though I wish it did," Starks replied, "It's about the First and Third Children."
    "Oh really?"
    "Yes sir. It appears that Ikari is going through some erratic changes in mood himself. First he appears to be depressed, then happy for a brief period of time, only to sink back into depression once more."
    "Do you think it might have something to do with Ayanami?" Chief Simmons asked.
    "It might, but I'll have to keep observing them to make sure, Chief."
    "Then you do that. Oh, and one more thing. Matsuko's off today, too...His vacation started today."
    "No sir...You don't mean..." Starks said in horror.
    "Yes Starks, you're going to pull night shift, too. Have a good day." the NERV Chief of Security said as he hung up, avoiding anything that Starks might have said against the decision.
    "Damnit, damnit, damnit." the Lieutenant said to himself as he put away the phone, and looked back to the cafeteria, only to see that the area was vacant. He checked his watch again, and, sure enough, lunch period was over. He put down the binoculars, and started up the car, saying, "This is going to be a looooooooooooooooong day."

    "Um, Rei," Asuka called from behind the girl with the blue hair, as they walked back to class, "Can I see you for a moment?"
    "Yes, you may." she replied, stopping to turn to the redhead behind her.
    "What's wrong? You've been acting depressed all day."
    "It is because life has no meaning." Rei said, leaning against the wall.
    "Okay, tell me all about it," Asuka said as she grabbed Rei's arm, dragging her to the nearby girl's locker rooms. She opened the door, turned on the light, and said, "And make sure you tell me everything, Wondergirl, because I don't want to cut class for no reason at all."
    "Well," Rei started as she took a seat on one of the benches, "That song I listened to this morning...it opened my eyes."
    "To what?" Asuka asked, taking a seat next to her.
    "To everything. To why no one cares about me, to why I'm alone, to why life has no meaning."
    "And why is that?"
    "Because Shinji does not love me." Rei said, looking down.
    A rather large sweatdrop appeared on Asuka's face, as she was completely clueless on how to handle this. After a few minutes of thinking, she finally said, "Well, why is life meaningless because Shinji doesn't love you?"
    "I have no one to make my life complete. No one to care about me. Then, when I heard that song by that first band, it seemed as if it were Shinji telling me he loved me."
    "You mean that cheesy Backstreet Boys song? Hah! That has about as much meaning as a pile of papers without anything written on them!" Asuka said, laughing.
    "So it never even meant anything at all...Then it is true what the other song said. That no one cared, and that life had about as much meaning as a destroyed planet." Rei said, a frown now visible on her face.
    "Um, no." Asuka said, "That song was written about a guy who had just lost his girlfriend, Wondergirl, not about everyone."
    "Really?" she asked, looking up at the girl.
    "Yeah. You've got people that care about you, Rei." the redhead said, smiling, not noticing the audio device implanted in Rei's bag.
    Meanwhile, a man in black listened to the conversation through a headset, receiving every word. He checked his watch, and took a sip of coffee, as he listened to more of the girl's little chat. "Ahhh...A break for once. Bless you, Asuka," Lieutenant Starks started as he took another drink, "You've made my job a helluva lot easier."
    However, it was not like that at all back in the locker area, as the next few moments would be the strangest in the man's career, as well as in both Asuka's and Rei's lives.
    "You mean...You care about me?" Rei asked, a small smile forming on her face.
    "Um...well, I guess so." Asuka stammered, caught off guard by this question. However, it was not near the reaction she would give to what Rei did next.
    "Then please, Asuka, kiss me." the emotionally-confused girl said as she leaned towards her fellow pilot...
    "HOLY SHIT!" Starks shouted as the shriek blew out the headset, also doing some temporary damage to his hearing. He quickly threw off the set, threw it on the ground, pulled out his standard-issue handgun, and proceeded to send the device to a better place. After nothing remained but a few shards, Starks could still the screaming. In fact, Asuka's scream could be heard all the way in GeoFront, scaring the piss out of any NERV staff on duty.
    "What the hell is that?!?" Fuyutsuki shouted as the hellish noise shook the base.
    "Don't know, sir, there isn't any sign of angels..." Maya stated.
    "Sir, we have a call from the field...It's Lieutenant Starks of Security." Aoba interrupted.
    "I'll take it," the NERV second-in-command said as he picked up the line, "Starks, what the hell is going on out there?"
    "Sir," Starks said over his cell phone, "I believe the First Child tried to make a pass on the Second."
    "Oh..." Fuyutsuki said in shock, falling back a few inches, "I never knew."
    "Nor did I," the officer said, "I think it's because of her exposure to too many emotions at once at the result of music."
    "Really?" Fuyutsuki asked, "Then get back to work on it, Starks!"
    "Yes sir." he finished as he hung up.
    "Damn, I'm gonna need a shot or two after hearing this..." the old man said as he reached for his trusty bottle of bourbon and a shot glass.
    "Pour us a few shots, too, sir." Hyuga said as he took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes in a stressful motion. Maya, on the other hand, just sighed, and gazed into space, apparently lost in some blissful thought. A smile formed on her face as she mumbled something along the lines of 'Ritsuko-chan', much to the surprise of everyone else in the room.
    "Better make that two." Aoba said as he downed his first, trying to forget already.

    "Shinji, what was that?" Hikari asked her fellow student as they walked down the hall together.
    "Oh, nothing," he said, sighing, "Just something I'll hear about tonight and tomorrow morning..."
    "Oh" the class rep replied.
    "Say, why are we out of class anyway?" Shinji asked, trying to change the subject.
    "Um...Well...I was wondering..." Hikari started, "...why you seemed so down today? I mean, that whole 'understanding' thing is sorta weird."
    "Well, I'm sad because when you are so used to having no one understand why you hate life, then to have someone understand you, life is no longer pain. But then you realize that if someone understands you, that means life is not as painful as it seems, and the whole purpose of life being painful is no one understanding you, so if technically, someone was to understand me, life wouldn't be painful and I would have no right to say so, defeating the whole purpose of being understood in the first place. Since Rei understood me, that defeated the whole purpose of being misunderstood, and making the goal of being..." Shinji started, before suddenly coming to a realization, "Wait a minute, I should be happy someone understands me...Must be being around a depressed person gets contagious after a while, huh?"
    "Um, yeah..." Hikari said, in spite of having no clue of what he was talking about.
    "Thanks for helping me realize that I'm an idiot, Hikari..." he replied, smiling.
    "Oh, you are so welcome, Shinji-kun!" Hikari squealed, throwing her arms around him in a hug, "Hey, I have an idea!"
    "W-w-w-w-what is i-i-it?" the blushing boy wonder asked.
    "Follow me!" the girl said as she grabbed his arm, dragging him into the nearby janitor's closet.
    "Hey!" he whined as the girl slammed the door shut behind them.
    "Now that we're alone, tell me something," Hikari said in a seductive tone, "Do you really think Rei and Asuka are that great? I mean, one lacks a heart, the other lacks sensitivity...Do you really want that from a girl, Shinji-kun?"
    "Um...Uh....I guess not..." he managed to get out, his face gradually becoming red as Hikari moved closer to him.
    "Then wouldn't you rather have a sweet, smart, caring girl that knew how to treat you right?" she continued, getting closer to the pilot of EVA 01.
    "Well, yeah, I guess...why?" he stammered, moving back a few inches in response to Hikari's advances.
    "Then please, my Shinji-kun, please...love me." Hikari said as she leaned in to kiss him, but was interrupted by a certain hysterical girl...
    "SHINJI! You've gotta help me!" Asuka shouted as she nearly knocked the door from its hinges, a look of utter shock on her face.
    "What's wrong, Asuka?" Shinji asked, moving out of the way in time for Hikari to kiss the wall he was leaning against, much to her disgust.
    "Rei...She tried to......Tried to..." she panted, still trying to catch her breath from running across the school.
    "Tried to what?" he asked again, trying to get some answers from the German girl.
    "Tried to stop me from getting my Shinji-kun, that's what." the class rep muttered under her breath, as she wiped her lips off from kissing a crusty, old wall.
    "Tried to...Kiss me," Asuka finally got out, before wrapping her arms around Shinji, "Oh, it was so horrible...I was so frightened, Shinji...Oh, thank God you're here for me."
    "Uh...Sure, Asuka." Shinji said in total shock, surprised at what had just occurred. 'It must've been really traumatic for Asuka to actually show emotion towards me, let alone holding me like this.' he thought as he slowly put his arms around Asuka, then saying "It's okay, Asuka...I'm here for you."
    "Oh thank you Shinji," she replied as she started to cry on his shoulder, "Thank you so much." However, what she didn't notice was that a sound transmitter had been placed on a bracelet she wore on her left wrist.
    "Good God, what next?" Starks asked himself as he listened to the whole scenario from his car, "That Aida kid coming in, claiming he has seen black helicopters?"
    At that precise moment in time, in a room on the second story of the school, on the side facing Starks's direction, a kid with binoculars could be seen, glasses beaming enough to blind anyone within twenty yards of him.
    "I knew they were watching me! I knew it!" Kensuke proclaimed to Touji, who had been standing next to him.
    "Look, it's probably just some guy who's got a break from work and is just trying to get some sports scores or something. It's not some federal agent here to knock you off, Kensuke." he tried to tell his friend, "Believe me, they wouldn't kill you, especially since your dad works for the government."
    "Yeah, you're probably right," Aida said as he lowered the binoculars, coming to his senses, "Touji, I'm sorry for being such a freak lately. Maybe I just have been working too hard on school or something."
    "Probably. C'mon, let's grab a few sodas...I'm sure that old coot doesn't know we aren't in class, anyway." Touji said as he motioned his friend to walk with him to the soda machines, which happened to be in the same part of the building where his other friend was.
    In the meantime, there was a whole other situation erupting elsewhere.
    "Shinji-kun...Thank you for holding me. I feel safe in your arms." Asuka whispered, holding the young man tightly.
    "Of course, Asuka." he said, a small smile on his face. The whole moment would have been peaceful, if it hadn't been for one other person...
    "Shinji! What about me?" Hikari whimpered, leaning against Shinji's back, "Have you forgotten about your Hikari-chan?"
    "Hikari-chan?!?" Asuka fumed, as she tossed Shinji aside and gave an ice-cold glare to Hikari, "Oh please, if Shinji would want to be with anyone, it'd be me!"
    "Oh, that's not what it seemed like earlier..." Hikari said, a wide grin on her face.
    "WHAT?!?" the redhead shouted.
    "Yes....In fact, he was about to let me kiss him, too..." the class rep said, almost gloating in front of her friend.
    "Is that true, Shinji-kun?" Asuka asked as she turned to the First Child.
    "Well...um...not really," he replied, his face starting to turn red, "I was just in total shock...I'm not used to getting so much attention."
    "Aw! How cute!" both girls said in unison.
    "Shinji, you're just too shy sometimes...It's why I love you so much." Hikari said sweetly, giving the pilot a look to match.
    "Hey! Quit moving in on my Shinji!" Asuka yelled, going for the girl's throat. What happened next was what would later be described as 'the worse possible cat fight that could happen between best friends', or, as Kaji had said, 'the time when Shinji ended being a boy, and became a man.'
    However, a quiet, timid voice brought an end to all that.
    "Asuka-chan, why are you fighting over Shinji when you're mine?" Rei asked, giving her a look that could even make Gendou stop in his tracks and make him feel all warm inside.
    "WHAT?!?" Asuka shouted once again, as she loosened her death-grip on Hikari.
    "What?!?" Hikari and Shinji said in a unison expression of shock.
    "What?!?" Starks shouted, picking up the whole ordeal on the reception device.
    "Yes, Asuka-chan, I love you. After what you did for me, I am eternally grateful, which is why I want to be with you." Rei said, blushing.
    "Wait a minute here," Shinji said, still keeping a cool head despite the whole situation, "Hikari and Asuka, you both want me, but Rei wants Asuka, too. In the meantime, we have no clue where Kensuke and Touji are..."
    "We're here, Shinji." Touji said as he took another drink of his soda, "And might I say, Hikari, you're looking magnificent today."
    "...And now we know that Touji likes Hikari. Isn't that some sort of love pentagon or something?" Shinji finished, now deep in thought.
    "Sounds like something out of a novel, huh?" Asuka stated as she leaned next to him.
    "Yeah, it does." Hikari said as she took the other side of Shinji.
    "I agree." Rei said as she leaned against the wall, right next to Asuka.
    "Couldn't said it better myself." Touji said, taking up the wall space next to Hikari.
    "WHY THE HELL CAN'T I EVER HAVE A PLACE TO STAND?!?" Kensuke shouted, before running off somewhere, crying hysterically.
    "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight..." Shinji said after a very long pause, "Anyway, what are we going to do about this?"
    "Maybe we should get back to class before we get into loads of trouble." Hikari said, taking Shinji's arm.
    "Yes, maybe WE should, Shinji-kun." Asuka said, grabbing Shinji's other arm.
    "Hey, what about me, Asuka-chan?" Rei asked, giving the girl a sad look.
    "Sorry, Rei. Not today." she replied.
    "Shiest." Rei muttered to herself, giving Shinji a dirty look.
    "And what about me, Hikari?" Touji asked the class rep.
    "Not in your dreams, Touji." Hikari said, clenching tightly to Shinji's arm.
    "Fine..." Touji said, with his pride hurt, "Kensuke! Wait up, man! I've got no one to love, either!" he cried as he ran down the hall, hoping to catch up with his friend.
    At that same moment, a certain man in a certain car with a certain mustache and a certain pair of glasses was making a certain phone call to a certain secret international agency.
    "Chief Simmons, sir?" the man said as he removed the headset.
    "Yes, Lieutenant?" the Chief of NERV Security replied.
    "It's getting to be like a soap opera out here...I no longer think it's just Rei's problem, sir." Starks responded as he started the car's engine.
    "Oh no, it's not. We've found out that the music was only part of Rei's problem...You see, there was something in the LCL at her last synchronization test." Simmons stated.
    "Oh really? And what exactly would that be?" he replied.
    "Well," the Chief started, "The clean-up crews said they had found an issue of 'YM', dated back to 2001. It was opened to an article that was titled, 'How To Tell If It's Love', and apparently there were markings in it indicating she had...well, you figure it out."
    "She figured out a quiz that proved out of three people which one loved her, eh?"
    "Yes, and that's the weird thing," Simmons continued, "We both know from observations that she has gotten attached to both the Second and Third Children, but who would be the third person?"
    Somewhere in GeoFront, a certain supreme commander of NERV let out a small smile from behind his folded hands.
    "Yeah, I wonder who it could be," Starks pondered as he parked his car at the designated observation point, "Well, it looks as if they're coming back to a visible point. Starks out."
    With that, the agent hung up and put away his cell phone, and took out his black binoculars once more.

    It was an hour before classes were supposed to finish for the day. Actually, it was supposed to be the last day of classes for a week, since vacation was starting tomorrow. In fact, it was supposed to be just an average dismissal, without any trouble, and without any threat of the building being decimated entirely.
    But hell, this is Neon Genesis Evangelion, after all.
    The six students made their way back into class, two with dried streams of tears present on their faces, after being out for nearly an hour. The three young men carefully took their seats without distraction, whereas the three young women each had a short fuse, the one with brown hair giving a dreadful look towards the redhead, likewise the redhead was her. The one with the blue hair, however, was giving a half-disgusted, half-curious look at the boy with dark blue eyes that had entered prior to herself.
    As they took their seats, one boy said to another silently, "Hey Shinji, I hope you're happy. You've taken my girl away from me."
    "Uh...sorry," the dark-eyed boy replied, "I never knew you liked her until now, Touji."
    "Well, I don't now," Touji replied angrily, "You can have both her and that demon of a co-worker you have."
    "I heard that, stooge." Asuka said from a few seats over.
    However, no one noticed that Rei had been staring not out the window, but at Shinji. The look of somewhat-contempt had vanished from her face, as a small smile had taken its place. She had apparently been thinking something about him, for her face had begun to show some traces of blushing.
    A few seats to the side of her, a very different expression appeared on the face of a very different person. "They're somewhere nearby...I know it," Kensuke said as he nervously scanned the room, beads of sweat forming on his face, "They're watching me and my every move..."
    "He couldn't be any more wrong." Starks said as he watched the pilots and their classmates from a distance.
    "Oh shut up already, Aida," Hikari said, obviously upset about someone else wanting 'her' Shinji, "Some people have bigger problems at hand."
    "Such as me, who's got a guy she wants and a girl that wants her." Asuka added.
    "You won't have to worry about that any longer, Asuka-chan," Rei said as she got up, moving next to Shinji, "For now I love Shinji-kun."
    "WHAT?!?" Asuka and Hikari shouted in unison.
    "What?!?" Touji and Shinji shouted in unison immediately afterwards.
    "What?!?" Starks shouted as he picked up the statement on his headset.
    "Yes, my Shinji-kun," Rei started as she wrapped an arm around him, "I have realized that I was just confused, and now I see that you are perfect for me."
    "But what about me?" Asuka asked, half-shocked, half-disappointed.
    "I still love you, as well, Asuka-chan, but alas, I am torn between you and my Shinji." the red-eyed girl responded.
    "You mean MY Shinji, right?" Hikari asked.
    "No, she means MY Shinji." Asuka abruptly said.
    "You're both wrong," Touji started, "She means MY Shinji-kun."
    "WHAT?!?!?" everyone in the vicinity shouted simultaneously.
    "Okay, time to make a move before this gets turned into a Yaoi," Starks said as he darted out of the car, before turning around to take the keys out of the ignition and lock the doors, then making yet another dash for the school.
    "Yes," Touji started, now moving next to Shinji, "Why should you girls be the only ones to get him? After all, I get to see him while he's changing in the locker room."
    "So that's why you kept eyeing me while we were getting ready for track," Shinji said to himself as he got up and backed away from the advancing Touji, "Hey man, you can stop it, now...I'm not gay, y'know."
    Somewhere, up in Heaven, a certain boy with gray hair and red eyes smiled, shaking his head 'no'.
    "Oh, so now it's a free-for-all for Shinji, is it?" the fiery German girl said as she rose from her seat, "Then Rei, Hikari,...Touji..., you can all bring it on, right now!"
    "But I don't want to hurt you, my Asuka-chan!" Rei pleaded, as she clung to Asuka's right arm.
    "Get off, will you!" Asuka shouted as she struggled to free her arm from Rei's grip, but soon subsided as she caught the look in Rei's eyes, and slowly put both of her arms around her.
    "Oh, I feel so comfortable in your arms, Asuka-chan." the girl with blue hair said as she laid her head on the redhead's shoulder.
    "Yeah, I know." Asuka replied.
    "What about me, Asuka? Or didn't that moment we had together a few minutes ago matter to you at all?" Shinji shouted, approaching Asuka.
    "I'm sorry, Shinji...I just feel so...so...Vulnerable." the German said as she rushed to Shinji, releasing Rei, and throwing her arms around him.
    "What about me, Shinji? Or didn't that attempt to kiss you mean anything?" Hikari shouted, approaching Shinji.
    "I'm sorry, Hikari...I just feel so...so...Needed." the young man said as he took the class rep in his arms.
    "What about me, Shinji? Or didn't acting out-of-character and smiling for you that one time mean anything to you?" Rei said, a look of rejection in her eyes, as she approached Shinji.
    "I'm sorry, Rei...I just feel so...so...Confused." Shinji said as he held Rei close to him, while holding Hikari still with the other.
    "Oh, so now I feel real important." Asuka said as she started to tear up, but Shinji managed to hold her, whilst still holding Hikari and Rei.
    "What about me, Shinji?" Touji started.
    "Don't even think about it, Touji." Shinji and his three girls said in unison, giving the boy a dirty look.
    Meanwhile, in the hallway a few feet away from the door, a NERV agent rushed to the classroom, saying to himself, "I hope I'm not too late..." repeatedly. Finally, he managed to get to the class, and kicked down the door. As he entered, he drew his handgun, and was going to approach the pilots, but was interrupted by someone.
    "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I KNEW IT! THEY ARE OUT TO GET ME! IT WASN'T PARANOIA!" Kensuke shouted as he quickly stood up, a look of total shock on his face. Without warning, he scrambled out of his seat, and jumped right through the glass window, creating a mess of glass shards. As he ran as fast as he could away from the school, he kept shouting, "Gotta get away, gotta hide..." over-and-over again.
    "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight," Starks said as everyone stared at the now-shattered window, with the exception of the teacher, who still went on about Second Impact as if nothing happened, "Anyway, I'd like to see you five outside, NOW."
    Shinji, his group of ladies, and Touji did just as the officer said, and rushed into the classroom. Starks then turned and followed, shutting the door behind him, leaving the students inside to wonder what the hell just happened. However, the teacher still did not notice anything, still reading some book about someone's experience during Second Impact.
    "Okay, would someone tell me what the hell is going on?" the Lieutenant demanded as he put away his handgun.
    "Well," Touji started, "Apparently, Rei here had engaged in some outside activity, not in her usual line-up of things to do, such as participating in a quiz in an old issue of 'YM' and listening to two very different styles of music, and thus contributed to her emotional instability. When Asuka tried to comfort her, Rei appeared to have fallen for her fellow pilot, only to have her rush off in search of Shinji, who was in a janitor's closet being hit on by Hikari, who participated in the same 'YM' quiz the night before."
    "How'd you know?" Hikari asked.
    "You told me, remember? Anyway, after Asuka entered the aforementioned closet, Shinji comforted her, and allowed the girl to express her true feelings about him. However, what occurred next was a bit of a love 'pentagon' of sorts, with five different people having romantic ties to another. When we returned to class, Rei decided that she, too, had feelings for Ikari, as did I. However, I reassure you all that I was just making a joke and trying to lighten the situation..."
    Somewhere, in Heaven, that same boy with gray hair and red eyes smiled once again, shaking his head 'no' once more.
    "...and that is when you entered, sir. There is still a bit of confusion here and there about who loves who, but that is the gist of things." Touji finished.
    Silence. Dead silence. All there was in the hallway were blank stares coming from everyone, especially Asuka. Somewhere in the distance, a tumbleweed rolled by.
    "What? I can't be a total imbecile ALL the time, can I?" Touji said, now with a monocle over his left eye, and a cup of tea in his hand, "I mean, surely the whole 'stooge' act does get tiring after a while." he said as he took a sip of his tea.
    "Anyway, Rei, how do you feel now?" Starks asked, turning to the girl.
    "I feel attracted to both Shinji and Asuka, sir." she faintly replied.
    "And I feel attracted to both Shinji and, strangely enough, Rei." Asuka added.
    "I just want Shinji, sir." Hikari stated.
    "And I want to be with...Well, the one I love is..." Shinji started, but froze up as everyone looked at him intently, wanting to hear the very answer everyone wanted to hear for the past year.
    "Say it, kid." Starks said as he looked over to the nail-biting Hikari, the rapidly-praying Asuka, and the too-silent-to-be-anything-good Rei.
    "Is......Is....." Shinji stammered, but was interrupted by an Earth-shaking noise.
    "What the hell was that?" Touji asked, as he scrambled to get to the window down the hallway.
    "Look!" Asuka shouted, "It's...It's..."
    "A GIANT KENSUKE!" everyone shouted in unison as they stared at the giant that now stood before the school. Surely enough, it was Kensuke.
    "That's right!" his voice bellowed, "I've actually created a life-like robot that I can pilot, and now I'm here to take on any federal agent that wants to silence me!"
    "We have to get to the EVAs!" Shinji shouted, hoping no one remembered what the hell happened beforehand.
    "No, we cant use them...Not now, anyway." Starks said, "There's a much, much more easier way to handle this."
    "What do you mean?" Rei asked as the Lieutenant pulled out his cell phone, and punched in a number.
    "You'll see," he said to her as he apparently got an answer, "Hello? Major Katsuragi? Yes, it's an emergency. Situation 215A, as a matter of fact."
    "What's Situation 215A?" Touji asked Shinji, who had no response.
    "Yes, Major, that means we're going to have to go with plan 457M. Starks out." he finished as he hung up.
    "What are we gonna do about this, Lieutenant?" Asuka asked.
    "You'll see," Starks said with a smile, "Now everyone! To my car!"

    'Why, WHY did it have to be today that I had to do this?' Misato said to herself as she awaited Kensuke's arrival. It wasn't the situation that was getting to the Major; she had suffered through Second Impact, several angels, and an on-and-off relationship with a double agent.
    She hadn't, however, expected to be out today, on top of a skyscraper in Tokyo-3, in nothing but a black string bikini.
    "Everything is going to be fine, Major," Starks called through a megaphone from atop a nearby building, "This plan will work, trust me."
    He had brought the five teens with him, or rather, he had brought them to stay inside the building, and they had volunteered to come with him to the rooftop. Touji just sat there, binoculars in hand, and a nosebleed coming very shortly. Shinji just sat there and blushed at the sight of his half-naked guardian, trying to act nonchalant.
    "Oh, and tell Shinji that if he's good, maybe I'll wear this to home, too." Misato called from the opposite building, giving a cocky little smirk. Almost as if on cue, Shinji's face turned bright red.
    "Hey, if you do that, then I'll have to, too!" Asuka yelled back, enjoying her Shinji's embarrassment. He gave her a look of surprise, and received a wolfish grin in return. "Just wait until later, my little Shinji-kun."
    "Hey, I'll have to come over, too." Hikari said, giving Shinji the same look.
    "So will I, Shinji-kun." Rei said, strangely giving him the same expression.
    "But what about the whole 'The one I love is' thing? Don't you girls even care about that?" Starks interrupted, knowing the results of his action. 'Man, I've gotta ask that woman out sometime...' he thought as he changed his gaze to Katsuragi.
    "Oh yeah, Shinji...Who do you love, anyway?" Asuka asked, brushing up against him, "Surely, you'll say me, won't you?"
    "Uh..." Shinji stammered.
    "I think he'll choose me, Asuka." Rei interrupted, leaning against the other side of Shinji.
    "I think you two better start making dating plans, because I know he'll choose me." Hikari added, wrapping her arms around him from behind.
    "Well, to be honest, I love..." he started, but was interrupted by the thunderous entrance of Kensuke's robot.
    "Presenting, in full splendor, KENSUKEVANGELION!" Kensuke shouted through the robot's speaker system, "Now, scummy government agents, why did you want me to come here?"
    "Oh Kensuke-kun..." Misato called seductively from the building's roof, striking a pose that could make the most strong-willed of men break down and lose all self-control. Needless to say, both Touji and Shinji had passed out, with Starks getting a very bad nosebleed.
    "Got to...stay...focused...on...mission..." he murmured as he tried to keep his cool.
    "Hel-lo Misato!" Kensuke said as he caught a glimpse of the swimsuit-clad beauty, "What can I do for you, Miss Katsuragi?"
    "Well, Kensuke-kun," she replied in a sweet tone, "You can do me a really big favor...And if you do it, I'll give you something really, really special."
    "What is it, Mistao?" Kensuke asked eagerly, trying to hold back a nose bleed.
    "Well," she said, putting her arms behind her and leaning back a little, giving and all-too-good view of her assets, "You could go into the hills and self-destruct your little robot, my Kensuke-kun."
    At this point, Starks was on the brink of losing it. If it wasn't for the fact that he could have a date out of this, he would've been out cold a while ago. "Keep it up, Major..." he said to himself as he tried to think of something else.
    "RIGHT AWAY, MISATO!" Kensuke shouted as he ran off for the hills, and engaged the self-destruct sequence. Soon, the Kensukevangelion was no more.
    "Now you girls now the true meaning of that little expression," Starks said to the teens next to him, "And now you realize how stupid some of us can be."
    However, the Major had apparently been catching on to what he had been saying, so she smiled, turned to him, and shouted, "You know, Max, I am just getting a little tired...Maybe someone should come over and help me down..."
    Before the agent could respond, a smoked Kensuke had fallen right next to Major Katsuragi, with an eager smile on his face. "I'll help you down, Misato." he said, struggling to stand up after the fall.
    Before she could respond, Starks had pulled out a tranquilizer gun and fired at Kensuke, hitting dead target. The boy slumped backwards, and, seeing as he stood on the very edge of the building's roof, proceeded to fall a good many stories to the ground.
    "Oh my God! They killed Kensuke!" a revived Shinji called out.
    "You Bastards!" Touji, also awake, shouted.
    "Shinji!" Asuka shouted, "Tell us, right now, who you love."
    "Well, to be honest, Asuka-chan...I love all of you," he replied, blushing. "You're all what I'd want in a girl, but there's only one I truly love."
    "And that is..." Hikari interrupted.
    He didn't even answer with words, for he walked over to a certain girl with red hair, wrapped his arms around her, and gently kissed her lips.
    "Well I'll be, how sweet." Starks said as he watched the two.
    "Yeah, it is," Misato called from the building opposite them, "Hey, not to distract you or anything, Max, but I was wondering if you were doing anything later tonight..."
    "Yes, Shinji," Asuka said sweetly, breaking the kiss, "What are you doing later tonight?"
    "And Touji, how about you?" Hikari asked, with a hint of sweetness in her voice, "I hope we'll be able to talk about how much you care..."
    Shinji, Touji, and Starks all gave each other a look. Each had a smile on his face, as well as the same word racing through his head.
    "SCORE!!!!!!" they said in unison, giving each other a high-five. Touji immediately took Hikari's hand and raced downstairs, as Starks rushed over to Misato's aid, taking out a device hidden on his belt, and proceeded to fire a grappling hook onto the radio antennae on the roof. After a bit of swinging, he managed to get to Misato's side rather quickly, placing his coat around her, and striking up a conversation as the two walked over to the elevator's entrance.
    However, it seems like everyone had forgotten about someone, as a certain girl with red eyes stood alone, leaning against a ledge.
    "Why must I be alone?" she asked herself, looking into space.
    "Hel....hel...help m.....meeee..." Kensuke called from the street.
    "Might as well go for it, Rei." Shinji said as he held Asuka close. Rei smiled, kissed both of their cheeks, and hurried to the elevator, trying to get to the street on time.
    "Shinji-kun?" Asuka said as she looked into his eyes.
    "Yes, Asuka-chan?" he replied, looking into hers.
    "I love you." she said.
    "I love you." he replied, slowly giving his love a long, romantic kiss. However, it was soon interrupted by a familiar voice.
    "NO! IT SIMPLY CANNOT BE! I WON'T ALLOW MY SON TO BE HAPPY...EVER!" Gendou shouted as he pulled out a carefully concealed .44 magnum.
    "Oh shut up, dilweed." Asuka said as she broke Shinji's embrace and charged Gendou, tackling him, and throwing him off the building.
    "I'll be baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-" he called while falling, until he landed in the bed of a garbage truck, headfirst.
    "Thanks, my Asuka-chan." he said, holding her once more.
    "Don't mention it, my Shinji-kun." she replied, about to give him a kiss, until another familiar voice interrupted.
    "Will you hurry up and get down here?" Misato called from the street, wearing the black security officer's coat of Starks', "Max-kun and I are getting impatient!"
    "Max-kun?!?" both said in unison, shocked.
    Shinji looked over the ledge, and saw Starks, with his arm wrapped around Misato, looking straight at him. Suddenly, the young man's face grew a smile, as the two males gave each other a thumbs-up. "Now c'mon, Ikari, get down here...We need to get back to our place so Misato can get changed." the Lieutenant said as he motioned for the couple to get down there.
    "Sure, sir." Shinji said as he took Asuka's hand, making their way to the elevator. As they descended, both teens had suddenly realized what Starks had just said. An expression of utter shock appeared on both of their faces, as they turned to each other.
    "OUR PLACE?!?" both shouted in unison, the look of shock on their faces becoming greater.

-fin

The 'Oh my God! They killed Kensuke!' thing will probably be in it somehow, somewhere.

-Roy "You show me a pop singer, and I'll show you someone who needs a soul" Whitford