"Where are you off to at this hour, Hikari-chan?"
Hikari turned quickly at the door. "Oh! Did I wake you, kaasan?"
"No, dear, I was already up." Mrs. Horaki was dressed in a robe
with flowers printed on it, deep purple on violet. She was
clutching at the folds as she walked to the door.
Hikari turned to face her full with one hand on the door. "It's
Asuka-chan, kaasan. We'll be out for a few hours this morning."
"Oh, I thought she wasn't coming until later...and who's that
with the automobile?"
Hikari had been expecting the questions. She smiled and said,
"That's Asuka's guardian, Katsuragi-san. We thought that since
she lived through the Second Impact, she'd be as good a resource
as any...and since we're talking about the _environmental_
aftermath, she could give us a lift to the Botanical Garden. We'll
talk with some of the gardeners there, they'll know a lot. We
need to get started now, so not many people will be at the
garden."
"Not many are going to be at the garden anyway," said Mrs.
Horaki. Hikari followed her gaze into the sky. White, grey and
black fought for control in the earliest morning light. Banks of
clouds wrestled with each other. The sun was hidden. "Hikari-
chan, I want you to be home before dinner. They're talking
about storms over the next few days, and I...I'm just worried
about my little girl, that's all."
"Kaasan..."
Mother and daughter pulled close together, and Hikari
whispered through clenched teeth, "There's something I need to
talk to you about this afternoon, but I've got to go now, I can't
keep waiting." Then she pulled her satchel to her back and ran
out the door, leaving it as wide open as her mother's eyes and
the sky over her head.
--
"Life sucks."
"Yes."
"Put your balls into it, Ikari." Suzuhara Touji snorted. "The
Second Impact could be going off right in front of you, and you
wouldn't say anything more than 'Ah, so', right? I hate
homework. I hate these stupid Second Impact projects. You got
anything to eat?"
"Uh, frozen food. Come inside, make yourself at home."
"Thanks." The two boys changed into slippers in the entry way,
then walked to the living room and threw their bookbags onto
the floor. "How did you get rid of Asuka?"
"Misato said she was going to help Asuka and Hikari-chan with
their project." Shinji spoke in a raised voice from the kitchen.
He was making tea. "Hikari was over here yesterday for a
planning session. I didn't talk with her. How's she doing?"
"OK, I guess. Actually, last couple of days, she's been kind of
distant. She's been nice, but kind of keeping me away. I think
she's having her period." The boy fell silent for a moment.
Touji was aware of his cybernetics whenever he was around
Shinji. The hand that had struck out in anger was now gone. In
its place was a pale tan replica, lacking fingernails and hairs;
another had replaced his leg. Their mass was about that of
human limbs, and they responded to him exactly like the ones
he had been born with. They were a product of Evangelion
technology, marks of the beast that had almost cost him his life.
He had transcended guilt through his pain and sacrifice. He
wore his cybernetics like badges, like ceremonial robes.
"Hey, where's your toilet?"
"Um..." Shinji walked to the edge of the kitchen and pointed.
"Go down the hall, it's by Misato's room. Oh, and when you do,
take a peek at what's on her desk."
Two minutes later, Shinji smiled at the sound of a loud whoop
coming from Misato's bedroom. "Hey! Shinji! When did this
show up?"
"Just the other day. Come out here when you're done, the tea's
ready." Shinji poured from the kettle into two cups. "But look at
page 32 first."
"Page...30...32--! Wow! And she circled it with a pen! What color
do you think she'll get?"
"Uh..."
"I'm guessing moss green. Tell me when it comes, all right?
They always send brown paper..."
Touji's voice trailed off. Shinji placed the cups on a tray and
carried it at chest level to the front of the apartment. "Touji?
Touji?"
"What's all this?"
"What's what?" Shinji walked in to Misato's room, fearless in
her absence. Touji had the catalogue in one hand. In his other
he had a tablet of note paper. "Oh, that's the paper we use to take
down phone messages. Misato must have borrowed it."
"I didn't know she was pregnant."
"WHAT?" he shouted, spilling the tea tray onto the floor.
Mindful of the mess, Shinji stepped well away from the wet
carpet to stand by Touji's side. Touji was looking at the top sheet
of the note pad.
"...free consultation reputable didn't pick up on hints...
"...refuse to perform only drugs...
"...JI from dorm receptionist's sister BANZAI appointment
for..."
Shinji shook his head. "No, she uses birth control pills. And
anyway, Misato wouldn't call around. She'd just pick someone
and go with it...maybe she's getting names for someone?"
"Who? Asuka? No, Kaji's not in jail." Touji snickered.
Shinji sighed. "Well, who else could it be?...oh."
Touji felt himself becoming very heavy, and the world spun
around him. He collapsed onto the floor, landing squarely on
his rear end in the middle of the tea stain. His eyes closed, and a
solemn expression slid into his face. He closed and unclosed his
right fist.
"Touji..."
"It's OK, Shinji. I feel so stupid.
"It was over a month ago now. Hikari got invited to a party, and
she invited me to come along. That was just fine, we were
having a good time. Then some guys showed up with some
beer. I wanted to try one. That gave Hikari an idea, so she had
one. One was all it took, I was smashed.
"Even though I was drunk, I offered to walk her home after the
party, and she said that was fine. Then I screwed it up, I took her
to my home. _My_ home. I wasn't thinking straight. I thought
it was kind of funny, actually. I invited her inside, because we
had been on a long walk, and she's fun to be with.
"We went inside. Nobody was home. My dad was off fucking his
secretary, and my sister's still in the hospital. I was alone, late at
night, with the greatest girl in the world. And I screwed up
again. I made a pass at her. As soon as it was out of my mouth, I
knew I'd done the wrong thing. I'm 15, I'm not supposed to be
having that kind of relationship with a girl.
"Then she said yes. I didn't have any idea what to do then. And I
told myself, well, I can't let her down now. Besides, it'll be fun.
So I got one of my dad's condoms out of the medicine cabinet
and I had sex with her in my bed.
"The next morning I woke up crying. I was furious with myself,
for getting drunk, for what I'd done to Hikari, for letting the
condom break, for...I think for everything I'd done. I promised
her I'd never put a finger on her again until we were both 18,
and I didn't promise her that because she asked me to, either. I
got her home safe and sound, and we both tried to forget about
it.
"And now this...oh, my god, now this..."
Suzuhara Touji was crying. Ikari Shinji said, "Touji...I just don't
know what to say. That's awful."
"It--it just doesn't make sense, why wouldn't she tell me?"
"Maybe she didn't want you thinking about it. It's her decision,
you know."
"But doesn't she trust me?"
"What if--"
Touji looked through tear-stained eyes at Shinji; Shinji
swallowed and glanced away. His thoughts were painted on his
face, the emotional algebra of unknowns, factors and
probabilities. Touji saw the meaning there, and in his eyes it
burned red.
"No...god, no..."
"Touji, now, maybe she, Touji..."
"HOW COULD SHE DO THAT TO ME?" he shouted. "HOW
COULD SHE EVEN THINK OF THAT? I PROMISED HER MY
HEART AND SOUL! DIDN'T THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO
HER? WASN'T I GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?"
His right hand seized hold of one of the tea cups on the floor;
and before Shinji could stop him, Touji lifted it up in front of
his face and squeezed it in his fist. It shattered inwards. Even as
he realized the wrongness of what he was doing, he ground his
fingers against his palm and watch the ceramic dust sprinkle to a
brown pile between his legs on the wet carpet.
Nobody moved or spoke for a few moments. Then Touji said
under his breath, "Please tell Misato-san I'm sorry about the cup,
and about the tea stain on the carpet."
"Oh, don't worry about the carpet. The tea was my fault."
Touji snorted. "You'd better explain what it is to Misato when
she gets home, or she'll wonder what we've been doing in
here." Shinji chuckled in spite of himself. He felt like an idiot
for doing so. The boys sat still for a while longer, then glanced
around for where their bookbags were.
--
Hikari stared into the depths of her salad. The association--
taking food into her body, and getting sensual pleasure from it--
was overwhelming her rational mind.
Across from her, Misato swallowed a mouthful and leaned
forward earnestly to speak to her. "Hey, Hikari-chan...you
_need_ to eat your greens. The doctor said that anemia's going
to be a risk for you in the next couple of days, and there's plenty
of iron in there. Eat up, eat up."
Hikari acquiesced. Fumbling with the plastic fork, she speared a
few leaves of lettuce and a crouton and lifted them into her
mouth. She set about mechanically chewing up and swallowing
the food.
Asuka spoke. "Back home in Germany, you could get beer at
McDonald's. I think that they should sell box sake here. You'd
buy that, wouldn't you, Misato?"
"Oh, yes, definitely. But you'd be too young to enjoy it, Asuka."
Her mouth was full of hamburger, so Asuka didn't reply with
anything more than a shrug. Conversation waned again.
"The doctor stuck a scraper up inside me," said Hikari. She
spoke earnestly and emotionally, but she was very, very quiet in
her speech. "She scraped around and around, and then she used
some kind of vacuum on me, and I could feel something down
around here being sucked out of me, from here down, it was all
flushed right out of me, and then she cleaned me up and I was
done. It doesn't seem real. I can't believe that there was a
decision now, it's like I was following fate, and I...I just...
"Take me home. Now. Please." She stood up and threw on her
coat. Without another word, Misato and Asuka collected their
trays and dumped them into the trash bins. They followed
Hikari out into the parking lot. She cried only a little as they
drove her home through the tempestuous afternoon.
--
Shinji was sitting at his desk, trying to parse _The Tale of
Genji_, when his cellular phone rang. He felt relieved as he put
the book down, because he had been bored beyond the point of
inattention by his reading assignment. He flipped open the
mouthpiece and said, "Hello."
"Hello, Shinji?"
"Oh, hi, Touji. What are you calling about?"
"Well...I've been thinking all this afternoon. Hey, did Asuka
and Misato-san come home?"
"Uh-huh. They got home about an hour after you left."
"...and?"
"Um, I asked where they had been, and I tried to make it sound
casual, like you said to." Shinji leaned back in his chair. It was
becoming the longest conversation he had had on his private
phone line. "Asuka told me to mind my own business, and
Misato told me to listen to Asuka."
"..."
"I told them about the tea, and Misato just laughed." Shinji
gulped. "So what are you calling about?"
The reply didn't come immediately. Shinji glanced out the
window of his room. With night had come even darker clouds,
and he could see dust and garbage blowing by his window. A
storm was coming, if not already upon them.
Touji mumbled, "I want to talk to your dad."
"Huh?" Shinji whipped around back into his chair. "What do
you want to talk to him about?"
"I...I want to talk with him...about NERV. I've been thinking
about coming back to NERV."
"Touji, are you serious?"
"Yes, well...I don't know. I want to talk to him about it. Could
you call him and ask him to meet with me? With us?"
Shinji turned on his chair again and looked at the numbers on
his clock. 7:42. It was still early in the evening. He said to Touji,
"Yeah, I guess I could call him, but--but--what am I going to tell
him?"
"Tell him...OK, tell him this..."
Daniel Snyder
in his new abode at dsnydder@gunnm-seraphim.org
If I wasn't such a strange person,
this would all seem so confusing.
(
geocities.com/seele_hq)