Breaking the Cycle

Self harm works – in the short term. If you didn’t feel any positive effects then you would not continue to hurt yourself. There has to be some kind of gain or pay-off for a behaviour to be repeated.

So what do you gain from injuring yourself?

• Relief? Relief from what? Unbearable emotions? Which emotions? Anger, frustration, sadness, depression…?

• Control? Control over which situation or person?

• Proof that your emotions are real? Can you identify which emotions you are feeling? Why are doubting that they are genuine?

These are just some of the many possible answers & the questions that follow. If you can understand how you benefit from injuring yourself, then you’re on your way to beating the addiction.

The major problem with using self harm to cope, is that it only provides very temporary relief. After harming yourself you may feel calm, pleased, soothed, relaxed, grounded, free, powerful or in control. Injuring myself sometimes even made me smile.

Yet these feelings are part of a very dangerous cycle. The positive feelings quickly fade and a few minutes, hours, days later you sink deeper into despair. You feel ashamed of your secret behaviour; your injuries start to sting or itch as they heal; you become angry at yourself for having resorted to hurting yourself. You taunt yourself with such thoughts as:

“I can’t believe I had to do this again. I’m so pathetic. I didn’t even do it well - I bet it won’t even scar. I can’t even do this right. Damn, I’m useless. I wish there was someone who would understand. I don’t even deserve that though. There are so many people worse off than me. I totally over-dramatise my life by doing this. I should just get over it. No one is going to want me now. Not with all these scars. I’ll never be able to have any real friends, never mind a boyfriend. I’m good for nothing. I may as well be dead.”

See how the negative thoughts spiral out of control. When you’re trying to stop harming yourself it’s crucial not to get stuck in this trap. Instead, consider the following:

“Damn, I went & hurt myself again. Eeesh, I’d been safe for 2 weeks. But hey, 2 weeks is pretty good. That was 14 whole safe days. If I’ve done that once then I can do it again. I bet I can even beat that. Ok, so it sucks that I cut again, but it was just a little setback. I can’t expect to beat this without a struggle. And I did try some alternatives from my list and called a crisis line. I’m not a failure. I just need to figure out what caused me to feel so vulnerable tonight. That way I can talk it out with my therapist. Things will get better for me. I know that I’m a strong person.”

Ok, so it’s not always so easy or natural to think like the second example. But it really is worth trying to think in a positive light. With time it’ll become more natural. Whereas, if you follow the first example, you’ll become even more depressed, hopeless & it’s likely that you’ll injure yourself again. Only this time you may hurt yourself more seriously & more often than before.

Instead of relying upon the short term gains of self harm, you need to work on longer term more permanent coping mechanisms. After identifying the benefits you receive & what this is masking, there are two more things to consider:

What else can you do to gain the positive effect that you desire?

If you need to feel relaxed, what else will achieve this end? If you need to feel grounded can you work with your therapist to find safe techniques to achieve this? If you feel angry, how else can you vent this rage? Can you take the time to start a journal / hobby / exercise program?

Can you take steps to minimize the negative influences in your life?

If you’re in emotional pain, can you make the step to seek professional help from a doctor or therapist? If your job is depressing you, can you speak to your boss or look for something more suitable? If you’re in a bad relationship, can you take the time to work on your issues as a couple or is it better to leave? If you’re having a hard time with your schoolwork, can you ask for extra help? Are you meeting everyone else’s needs, yet forgetting your own? I know that when you’re depressed, you really don’t feel like making positive, active choices, but it really can make a difference.