Some of these points are mentioned on other pages, but they are worth reiterating.
- Your loved one is NOT crazy, insane or a freak.
Self harm is more common than you may imagine. In 'A Bright Red Scream' (1998) Marilee Strong points out: "Estimates are that more than two million Americans are chronic self injurers and one recent study suggests that as many as one in eight young people have deliberately harmed themselves at some point in their lives."
Many people have unhealthy coping mechanisms. Perhaps you smoke to relieve stress or you bury yourself in work to avoid facing your problems. Maybe you reach for junk food when life gets too much to bear. These coping mechanisms can cause harm to your mind and body, just as self harm can. I'll admit that self harm is a much more dangerous coping mechanism than the others just mentioned - but can you understand that it doesn't make someone crazy?
- Self harm is not a phase.
Self harm is a serious problem. Your loved one will not just outgrow this behaviour on their own. It's very likely that without help their self harm will get worse. They will need to hurt themself more often and more severely to get the same relief - a tolerance is built up just like with drugs and alcohol.
- This is not your fault.
Your loved one is an individual and has to take responsibility for their own life and choices. Self harm is about them; it is not about you. It's much more helpful to focus on the future and finding help, rather than concentrating on the past and looking to blame someone. Self harm is very rarely about attention seeking. I seriously doubt that your loved one is trying to manipulate you.
- You can help.
When you learn of a loved one's self harm you may feel helpless. You can't be there for them 24 hours a day. But you can make a difference in their life by caring, listening, being interested. When I was at the lowest point in my life, it really meant a lot to me that I had friends and professionals who cared about me. When you don't care about yourself, it's hard to believe that anyone else cares. So give your loved one a wonderful surprise by sticking with them through the hard times. It may take a while for your loved one to trust you, if they've been let down in the past, but just give them time.
- Self harm is NOT a suicide attempt.
Self harm is a coping mechanism. It's a way to deal with unbearable feelings. It's often a way to stay alive, as it can provide relief and be a comfort.
However, someone who self harms may become so depressed that they see no hope of a better life. This can lead to thoughts and plans of suicide. A self harmer already knows that they can cause deliberate harm to their own body - so they may not see suicide as such a big step. :( At my lowest points I thought about suicide a lot. I researched methods, though I never made a plan. At one point I was scared of what I might do to myself - my self harm had become more serious & I thought I might kill myself 'by mistake'.
Take any mention or personal writing about suicide very seriously. Encourage your loved one to call a helpline or contact their therapist. It may be necessary for them to stay in hospital.
If you're concerned about a suicidal loved one, a great site to look at is Befrienders International. There is information for Helping a Friend and do take the Suicide Myths Test.