The following is a list of suggestions of what you should NOT do if a friend or loved one is hurting themselves:
- Never shout at or demean the self harmer.
You may feel frustrated by the self harmers behaviour, but if you tell them they are “stupid” for self harming you will only make the problem worse. You can’t shock them out of the behaviour by harsh or cruel insults. Self harm is not the best coping mechanism. However, some people don’t know how else to deal with their feelings in times of crisis.
- Do not try to blackmail the self harmer into stopping. Ultimatums will not work either.
Some very unhelpful examples of this are:
- “If you don’t stop hurting yourself, I’ll tell your parents.”
- “I’ll make sure you’re locked up in a hospital if you don’t stop self harming.”
- “If I see any more injuries on you, you’re grounded.”
A self injurer has to want to stop for themselves. They cannot be blackmailed into stopping. If they feel threatened they will just become more secretive.
- Don’t treat your loved one with ‘kid gloves’.
Try to treat your loved one ‘normally’. It’ is important to talk about self harm and support your loved one, but continue your regular activities together. Don’t ‘tip toe’ around your loved one, afraid to upset them. And don’t always be studying the self harmer for injuries.
- Never ignore self harm.
Self harm is a very serious problem. It will not go away if you ignore it. It is not something that your friend or teenager will “grow out of”. It’s so very important to support your loved one. If you don’t address the problem then it will get worse – especially if the self harmer knows that you know. Then they will assume that you don’t care and that their feelings are unimportant.
- Don't invalidate your loved one's behaviour.
Never ridicule any injuries you may see, for example "That's just a scratch, you can't be that upset!" An injury may not look very serious (perhaps it has healed or is only one of many injuries) but this is not an indicator of the severity of your loved one's distress.
- Don't invalidate your loved one's feelings. Examples of this include:
"Cheer up."
"What's all the fuss about?"
"You're just oversensitive."
"Why can't you just get over it?"
"You should be grateful. There are so many people worse off than you."
"They didn't mean to hurt you. You can't blame them."
"That isn't the case at all."
"Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?"
"What about me? I never complain."
"It's all relative - you'll be fine in a couple of days."
For details on how damaging invalidation can be and more examples of things not to say look at EQ Institute.
- Don't try self harm.
This might seem obvious to some, but I can see some people trying to hurt themself in order to better understand their friend or loved one. This is a seriously bad idea. You might get sucked into the downward spiral of self harm yourself. You might go too far. If your loved one found out that they 'inspired you' to try self harm they would feel absolutely awful.
- Don’t belittle success.
It’s so important to encourage your loved one. They may come to you, proud of the fact that they have been safe for 1 day or 1 week. This can be a huge achievement. Be happy for them and praise them. An example of a bad response that will hurt your loved one is:
“One week? That’s all? What happened? Last month you were safe for 3 weeks. I thought you were doing better than this.”