From One Self Harmer to Another. Here are some things I've learnt with hindsight. Please believe me - I've been there.
Self harm is a behaviour. It is not who you are.
I used to feel that self harm was all that I was. I thought that I couldn’t stop because “Hurting myself stopped me from being no-one”. I felt that it made my feelings & me valid and important. I can now see that these thoughts were messed up. I no longer cut myself and I haven’t lost who I am. My identity is not defined by a self-destructive behaviour any longer. I’m so much more than that . I just didn’t know who I was back then. I’m not denying that my depression and self harm have helped me become who I am today, but so have many other things in my life.
It is not ok to hurt yourself in any way.
Self harm is not a healthy coping mechanism. Even if you’re not drawing blood or you don’t have any scars, it’s still not alright to be doing this to yourself. You are not fine. You need some help.
It’s very important to ask for help.
Asking for help from a friend, loved one or professional does not make you weak. It’s so difficult to cope with self harm alone. You need support. If you have thoughts of hurting yourself & haven’t acted on them, I still recommend talking to someone about how you feel. It’s a sign of strength to reach out for help.
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Your feelings are valid and important. They are not ‘wrong’.
How you feel is how you feel – there’s no right or wrong about it. However you do have control over how you deal with your feelings. You can decide to fight the urges to self harm.
I used to think my feelings were unimportant. How could I be depressed when I was so lucky? There were so many people worse off than me. No one close to me had died. I had enough to eat and a warm home. I hadn’t been sexually abused. But I was still depressed. I thought I was just ungrateful, which made me hate myself even more. See how easy it is to get dragged down in a cycle of depression?
But the fact is that if you are hurting yourself then *something* is wrong. It doesn’t have to be something major like abuse or death. Day to day life can just be hard sometimes.
The sooner you work on stopping self harming, the better.
The longer this continues, the worse it will get and the harder it will be to stop. You may have your behaviour under control now, but it can easily escalate. The fact is that to get the same relief from self harm, you need to increase the severity & frequency of the injuries. When I started hurting myself, a few scratches that didn’t scar made me ‘feel better’. But a few years later I had to hurt myself a lot more to get the same relief. It got to the point where I was scared I might go too far and kill myself by mistake. (At this point I checked myself into the hospital.)
You can stop hurting yourself.
I’m not saying that it’s easy to stop, but it can be done. I threw out my razorblades a couple of years ago and haven’t cut since then. I admit that I’m still not the ‘healthiest’ person – I have a tendency to pull out my eyebrow hair and pull at my toe nails. But I really have come so far. I’ve gone from thinking about self harm every day and not being in control of my life – to getting married and being more able to talk about how I feel. I’m still pretty stubborn at that one, but I’m lucky that my husband is very understanding.
Suicide is never the answer.
I know that self harm isn't a suicide attempt - but you may feel so depressed that you don't think you can go on. But please believe me that suicide is never a good idea. It's a permanent 'answer' to a temporary problem. These feelings of depression will pass. It's funny how life works out - at my lowest point I met my husband-to-be online. If I hadn't stuck around I never would have known such happiness. If you're feeling suicial Read This First.
- Nobody can or will save you.
There is no magical person that is going to save you from yourself & your life. Friends, family, doctors & therapists really can make all the difference & help you learn to overcome self harm. Yet I spent a few years waiting & hoping that someone would rescue me. I wasn't able or willing to make positive steps to help myself & I relied too much on other people. I e mailed my university tutor way too much, when all he could really do was tell me to see a counsellor. The next year I became way too dependent on a college dean. He even wrote an e mail to me saying:
"I must admit that I feel put in a position of being the savior of some type and am not quite feeling that either I am up to that role and somewhat unduly burdened by being in it with very little assistance."
At the time I received this e mail I was really hurt. But now I can see that I was being too demanding. I'm *not* saying that you shouldn't ask people for help - it's very important to find support. I'm just saying that be careful about taking things too far as I did.
- You are hurting yourself because something is wrong.
It's easy to think that you don't really have anything to be depressed about. You may feel that you're just pathetic. You think that you should just "get over" what has happened in your life, whatever it may be. Well, I'm telling you now that *yes* it does count.
You may have been abused 'only' once, but that is one more time than it should have happened. You dad may not have hit you very often, but it still happened & you still cried. You may have been a little overweight, but that doesn't give anyone the right to bully you.
Maybe you weren't abused, neglected or attacked. What then? You still have a valid reason to have chosen self harm as a coping mechanism. Not everyone who self harms has been abused. Many self harmers have had their feelings chronically invalidated. You can read more about this at Secret Shame and EQ Institute.
