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Well, the main thing not to do is hurt yourself.
That’s pretty obvious, but not always so easy. It is important to want to stop and make a commitment to trying & a plan to help you cope.
Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Try not to make unrealistic goals for yourself, as you’ll only be disappointed & feel worse than you did to begin with. It’s important to be realistic. For example, if you decide to stop self harming, but you don’t have a good support system you may hurt yourself a week later. Try to focus on the positive that you went for a whole week without self harm. Don't worry if it takes several tries to stop. You can't expect to be able to stop right away or without a struggle.
Don’t make excuses & fool yourself about self harm.
This is something I tend to do. I tell myself that certain types of self harm “don’t count” – when I know things like pulling out my hair and biting the skin on my fingers are forms of self harm.
It’s a bad idea to quit counseling / therapy…no matter how tough things get.
I considered quitting counseling so many times because facing the issues surrounding self harm was really hard. I got angry when the counselor guy was right. If your therapist really isn’t working for you then do look for a new one – don’t give up on therapy altogether because of one bad experience.
Try not to withdraw and be silent during counseling / therapy.
This is something I did a lot. I was really stubborn & hated talking about my feelings. So I sat there silently through my counseling sessions. I know it’s often really hard to be open about your thoughts & feelings – but if you don’t make the effort to talk then your counselor / therapist cannot help you.
Don’t pursue the subject of self harm with people who can’t / won’t help you.
This one is tough, but good to think about. Know when to drop the subject – some people just can’t deal with self harm. If you keep trying to get help from these people then you’ll only get more hurt.
This is something I learned from experience. At university I didn’t really know where to go for help & I didn’t like the counselors there. So I ended up e mailing my academic personal tutor about self harm. He really wasn’t the appropriate person to talk to – all he could do was tell me to see a counselor. But I kept on bugging him and ended up more hurt.
I did something similar a year later when I was an exchange student. I was having a hard time staying safe and the Dean of the college was really helpful & friendly. But again I pushed things too far by being a little too needy. He was trained as a counselor, but wasn’t the appropriate person to be helping me so much because he had other responsibilities. By talking to me confidentially he was breaking the rules & boundaries of his position. In the end my psychiatrist told me that I wasn't allowed to talk to him anymore.
I had similar problems with friends – some friends just didn’t know how to react and so just ignored the problem. This was pretty hurtful to me, but it’s important to know that not everyone can deal with someone self harming. So it’s best to just move on and try and find help somewhere else.
Don’t think you can ignore self harm & depression. Don't expect it all to just go away.
You can’t just ignore this problem and expect to wake up one day and never have the urge to hurt yourself again. It’s an uphill battle and you need to recognise that you do have a problem. Then you can work towards find better ways to cope with life.
- Don’t forget your own needs.
By all means find support online – but be very careful about spending all your time trying to help / rescue others. This is something else I did too. I posted on a self injury message board every day and spent a lot of time supporting & giving advice to other self harmers. This is good in moderation – but I was overlooking my own needs & was not taking the time to make sure I was ok. Try to be aware of your own needs & feelings when helping others. Set yourself some borders & if things get too much for you then take a break. If you don’t take good care of yourself then you won’t be able to help anyone at all.
- Don't give in to the temptation of triggering words, images or songs.
When I was at my lowest points it was all too easy to look up triggering websites to make myself feel worse. There were also some songs (that NIN one) that made me feel triggered, so I had to avoid them too. When you're really depressed it's sometimes easier to wrap yourself up in a very depressing world, rather than make the effort to be positive. Don't go looking up images of injuries or suicide methods. You really need to be the first person to help yourself by creating a positive atmosphere around yourself.
Last updated: July 23rd 02
Here's some thoughts based on my experiences: