Far be it from me to tell anyone how to be a parent – I have no children. But I thought it would be helpful to write a list of danger signs that parents & friends should be on the look out for. A poll on the website My Friend – My Enemy shows that around 50% of self harmers first hurt themselves at age 13-15. (This is true for me.) Therefore I think it’s really important that family and friends are more aware of what to look out for. Then self injurers can get help before their problem escalates.
They wear long sleeves and pants when it’s hot in the summer – to hide scars & injuries.
They avoid going swimming – a swimsuit is a self harmer’s nightmare. It’s very revealing & so it’s almost impossible to hide your cuts & scars.
They are very guarded when they get changed for school sports or when trying on new clothes in changing rooms – they’re self conscious about scars & injuries.
They bite their fingernails and surrounding skin to excess, often to the point of bleeding.
They pull at their toe nails seriously. (Pulling off my toe nails was an early form of self harm for me – I even mentioned it to my mum.)
You notice they are missing hair from their head or eyebrows. You may see them pulling it out. This is a recognised disorder called trichotillomania. It’s often not related to self harm, but does deserve help in its own right. I pulled at my hair years before I started self harming. It serves a similar function – altering the body to provide emotional relief.
You notice unusual scars or injuries on their body – perhaps a cluster of injuries, parallel lines, the letter ‘X’ or other parts of words, burns or bruises. When you ask what happened, you get excuses like “the cat did it” or “I fell over”.
You see them holding ice to their skin or drawing with red pen, paint or food colouring on their skin. Or they have an elastic band around their wrist to snap. These are all common alternatives to self harm, which means the person wants to stop. This is a great time to get professional help.
Pay attention to their music tastes. Most self harmers like to listen to music that reflects how they feel. Many look for self harm references in song lyrics. Some bands are well known for self harm, for example the early music of the Manic Street Preachers. There’s a poster with a member of this band showing off his bleeding arm – if your friend or teenager has this picture, it's possible that they self harm. (I used to collect all self harm articles, songs and images that I could find.) Another song to watch out for is ‘Hurt’ by Nine Inch Nails. It’s blatantly about self harm and is very triggering.
You notice razors missing from the bathroom or you have to buy them more often. Or you may notice a kitchen or craft knife missing. Also watch out for plasters / band aids and first aid supplies being used up very quickly. Your friend or teenager may buy their own ‘supplies’, so watch out for unusual trips to the pharmacy / chemist.
You find sharp objects & band aids/plasters in their belongings or school bag / purse. Some self harmers carry a sharp object with them at all times incase they feel the need to injure themselves.
You find broken glass, razor blade plastic casing or blood stained tissues in the bin / trash can. Self harmers are usually very careful about how they dispose of their things but occasionally they may be careless. They may have broken glass or dismantled a razor to hurt themselves with.
They sit in the same unusual position often, perhaps with a cushion over their arm/leg or they change positions when you walk in the room. This could mean they have visible injuries or scars that they are trying to hide.
They are alone a lot at school & cry when they come home. This means that they’re probably depressed, may feel isolated & may not know how to cope.
They create artwork using a lot of red & black lines or words. The art may include pictures of the human body. Art is a positive way to express feelings but could indicate an underlying problem, if they're using it as an alternative to self harm. I once had a picture on my wall that was drawn with blood and I cut the word “Depressed” out of a newspaper headline & stuck it above my bed.
They use the family computer to surf the internet and wipe the history and auto complete when they’re finished. This means they’re looking at websites they don’t want you to know about – not necessarily self harm ones, but coupled with other reasons here, it’s a warning sign. Though do be aware that they’re probably seeking help online – it’s a very bad idea to ban them from the computer.
They become interested in getting piercings and tattoos. This is probably not related to self harm, but if you notice it with other warning signs then it could be related. At one of my lowest points I got several piercings to quell my self harm urges.
You find a stash of pills – maybe pain killers or different kinds of antidepressants. Your teenager or friend may be very depressed and is storing pills ‘just in case’ they need to ‘stop feeling’. Though if you find antidepressants then at least you know that your child or friend is getting help.
They wear a lot of bracelets - this could be to cover scars or injuries.
If you're now concerned that your teenager or friend is self harming, what should you do? Take a look at this page: What can you do?.