This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US
naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October, 1995.
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Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval OPs 10.X.95.
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Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS
MISSOURI, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY.
DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake. MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap. TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M." WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoyub telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him." THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!
These are real standing laws from around the United States of America.
Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke!
Alabama:
1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a
vehicle.
California:
1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for
anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over
puddles of water.
Connecticut:
1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per
hour.
2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
Florida:
1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can
the salon owner.
2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on
Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee
has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
4. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired
in a swimsuit.
5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Illinois:
1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats,
and other domesticated animal kept as pets.
Indiana:
1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor
ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after
eating garlic.
Iowa:
1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
Kentucky:
1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she
"cannot hold onto the ground."
2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
Louisana:
1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller
with a water pistol.
2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while
biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."
Massachusetts:
1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and
securely locked.
3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a
special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
Nebraska:
1. A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp
during a church service.
New Mexico:
1. Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.
New York:
1. A fine of L25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically
prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at
a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this
magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair
of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
North Dakota:
1. Beer & pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or
restaurant.
Ohio:
1. Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
Oklahoma:
1. Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at
a dog.
2. Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed
by the state.
3. Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in
groups of three or more on private property.
Pennsylvania:
1. A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust
under a rug in a dwelling.
2. No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.
Texas:
1. A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first
obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
2. It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while
standing.
Vermont:
1. Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath
each week -- on Saturday night.
Washington:
1. All lollipops are banned.
2. A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with
criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief
of police as he is entering the town.
West Virginia:
1. No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild
onions."
The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday cash I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting pissed at me.
ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go." IT: "Is that it?" ME: "Yep." IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?" ME: "No, it's *to* *go*." [I hate effort duplication.]
At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and
IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.
IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?" MG: "No. A what?" IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me." MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL." IT: "Yeah, thought so." He comes back to me and says IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?" ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?" IT: "I don't know." ME: "See here where it says legal tender?" IT: "Yeah." ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?" IT: "Well, hang on a sec."He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and
IT: "He says I have to take it." MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?" IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change." MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE." [my emphasis] IT: "What should I do?" MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money." IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him." MG: "Just tell him." IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."The manager approaches me and says:
MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it was 8pm
and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall
with 100 other stores.]
ME: "Well, here's a two."
MG: "We don't take *those* either."
ME: "Why the heck not?"
MG: "I think you *know* why."
ME: "No really, tell me, why?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "Excuse me?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "What the heck for?"
MG: "Please, sir."
ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
MG: "Would you please just leave?"
ME: "No."
MG: "Fine, have it your way then."
ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone
around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area,
and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year
oldish guy comes in and says
[at the other end of counter, in a whisper]
SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
SG: "Really? What?"n
MG: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."
SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]
MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a
fifty."
SG: "So, the fifty's fake?"
MG: "NO, the $2 is."
SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
SG: "Yeah..."
Security guard walks over to me and says:
SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use." ME: "Uh, no." SG: "Lemme see 'em." ME: "Why?" SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I said:
ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says
SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?" MG: "It's fake." SG: "It doesn't look fake to me." MG: "But it's a **$2** bill." SG: "Yeah?" MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"
The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.
My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.
"Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin'." Julio, age 9 "One of the Greek lady gods got a crush on one of the Greek man gods. He tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts, but he just couldn't get her away from him... After a while, they became the first married gods." Robbie, age 8 CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE "One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." Andrew, age 6 "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." Mae, age 9 "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." Manuel, age 8 ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." John, age 9 "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." Glenn, age 7 ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." Anita, age 8 "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." Brian, age 7 "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." Christine, age 9 REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." Greg, age 8 HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE? "Mooshy... like puppy dogs... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." Arnold, age 10 "When a person gets kissed for the first time they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." Wendy, age 8 "All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit together in the dark." Sherm, age 8 CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." Gavin, age 8 "They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing. John, age 9 CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television." Jill, age 6 "Love is foolish... but I still might try it sometime." Floyd, age 9 "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." Dave, age 8 "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." Regina, age 10 THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER "Sensitivity don't hurt." Robbie, age 8 "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." Ava, age 8 SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU "Tell them you own a whole bunch of candy stores." Del, age 6 "Shake your hips and hope for the best." Camille, age 9 "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs... and don't worry if their parents are right there." Manuel, age 8 "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love. Alonzo, age 9 "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." Bart, age 9
Killer cream cheese Our company provides its employees with free bagels and schmears (cream cheese spreads) three days a week. Recently this triggered the following email exchange: ---Message 1--- Everyone, In the future, when the Shmears run out, please don't go digging through the fridge and pulling out any old bagel toppings. Please respect other people's property. Thanks. ---Message 2--- Unless properly marked, all items in the 1820 fridge are (for the most part) considered fair game. Otherwise, things just end up sitting in there forever. It is difficult to know what is public property and what is private property unless it is properly marked. ---Message 3--- Boy, I hope we don't have to have a policy about this. But I disagree. It is safest if you label your personal stuff, but people should NOT be helping themselves to food in the fridge if it is not very likely in the "public domain." ---Message 4--- Okay, okay, what I really meant was that to avoid confusion on certain items that are commonly thought to be public items you should mark them with your name. No one is going to take your bag lunch, or bottle of mineral water. But they might take your left over piece of pizza, thinking it was left over from a training lunch. ---Message 5--- I think you shouldn't take unmarked food. There is a health risk from food poisoning. One is never quite sure how long food has been in the refrigerator unless it is your own. I know someone who became *very* sick when he used mayo from a refrigerator that had been there for a while. ---Message 6--- That's an excellent point. If anyone puts poisoned food in the refrigerator, please make sure it is *clearly* marked with your name. ---Message 7--- For those who ate the shmear, we regret to inform you that it actually was unmarked really old mayonaisse. Please report to sick bay for treatment. ---Message 8--- I think we need to organize a commitee to gather the requirements surrounding the Shmear issues. ---Message 9 (from the QA manager)--- After that is done we certainly need to hold a design review for the poison Shmear....after all gotta make sure that poison works... ---Message 10 (from a programmer)--- We should have following waterflow process: 1. Concept Whitepaper 1a. Go back to (1) if something is wrong. 2. Functional Requirment Specification 2a. Validation and Verification Plan for (2) 2b. Go back to (2) if something is wrong. 3. Implementation Specification 3a. Validation and Verification Plan for (3) 3b. Go back to (3) if something is wrong. 4. Test Plan 4a. Validation and Verification Plan for (4) 4b. Go back to (4) if something is wrong. 5. Documentation Plan 5a. Validation and Verification Plan for (5) 5b. Go back to (5) if something is wrong. 6. Support Plan 6a. Validation and Verification Plan for (6) 6b. Go back to (6) if something is wrong. 7. Prototyping 7a. Go back to (7) if something is wrong. 8. Implementation 8a. Go back to (8) if something is wrong. 9. Whitebox Testing 9a. Validate the test result. 10. Functional Testing 10a. Validate the test result. 11. Technical Support 11a. Validate the support effort. 12. Go back to (1) always. For the next release. 12a. Validate the necessity of (12) This may not be sufficient for ISO 9K. ---Message 11 (From a tech writer)--- Ok, but I can't document this without a working model... ---Message 12--- I think we need to form a police task force called SHMEAR: Stop Hogging My Eats And Relish ---Message 13--- QA to the rescue on the poison testing. I say we have [the QA manager] test last, when we're really sure its ready to ship. ---Message 14 (From the CEO)--- Some companies remove Pointcast from their system because it bogs down the net. Some companies remove browsers form desktops because it encourages undirected surfing. Our company is debilitated by cream cheese. (There were no further messages.)