Disclaimer: Hmm, Don't own them, can't have them, but boy do I want them, Ohh well.

Title: First Doubts

Author/pseudonym: Sentarla

Rating: G

Status: Finished

Date: 03/02/99

Archive: Yes ohhhhh PLEASE do!!!!!!

Series: Fallen Journal Part 1

My Website: http://www.oocities.org/sentarla

E-mail: Sentarla (Please be nice)

Warnings: This is NOT betad. This is NOT slash!!!!

Note: This has come about thanks to Carikube. I had not originally planned to do a series when I wrote Fallen, it was therapy, but the story line is so good, and shape-able, that I have decided to go with the flow, when my muse puts me in the right mood. The one thing I can guarantee is that, over time, there will be more plots, and the story will get better, I just have to set the scene first. Please don't forget to e-mail. I am such an e-mail junkie! J

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Sometimes, like tonight, I sit outside and stare up at the night sky and wonder if I did the right thing. Eight months ago I made the decision to Fall. I had dreams of this new fantastic life, with many wondrous experiences and adventures. But instead, I have been having so many doubts, and at times, it is only my faith in God and the greater cause that keeps me standing beside me Sentinel.

My Sentinel�EWhen I looked upon him with angelic eyes, I saw everything I could possible want or need to keep me content until eternities end. Now that I look upon my hearts desire with mortal eyes, I know for certain, he is the one. We all have a soul-mate out there, and he is the prove that even angels have one. Every now and then, he looks at me strangely, and my mortal heart speeds up in fear of being found out, but then he shakes his head and continues on with what ever he was doing.

The love I feel for Jim, is not of the sexual kind, or the puppy dog, child crush kind, but the fullness of half a soul finding it's mate. The love of a brother, friend, and now a Guide.

When I am beside my Sentinel and guiding him, I feel so blessed, and at times so euphoric that I am higher then a celestial choir. Jim tells me I am an innocent, always looking for the best in people and far too trusting. What I worry about is the cynical nature I sometimes see in my companion. I am always trying to show him the good so he will sees and recognize what is in his own heart.

I took Jim down to the beach yesterday for the sunrise, and although we could hear no music, we both felt the utter peace and tranquillity that came with the rise sun.

Every now and then I catch a fleeting glance of an angel, but I have had no contact with any of them. I feel like a part of me is missing, and sitting here, alone, it fells like a large gaping hole which needs to be filled, or I will be consumed by it. I have tried praying and asking for help, but so far I have received no answer. Naomi told me that it is normal, and she went through a similar experience, but I am not so sure. The more I think about it, the stronger the pull on my soul.

Bright stars twinkle in the night sky, but none are as bright as my Sentinel walking towards me. He has a smile on his face and walks like a man on a mission. When he sits down beside me, and silently joins me in looking at the stars, I feel the pull on my soul lessen, as if there is someone/something else filling up the empty space, and then I realise what it means. The gaps left over from becoming mortal, was being filled with the only thing that could mean as much to me as my previous life. Jim Ellison. Not only is he my soul-mate, friend, Sentinel and blessed protector, but he is my beacon in the darkness of night. My guiding light when I get lost, and the one person on earth who will be there to help or listen, no matter what.

As I stand up and walk beside my Sentinel back to our home, I leave behind my doubts and embrace my new life without fear. I know now, that if I was to fall he would catch me.

~Fin~