If Quentin Tarantino Wrote Star Trek

by jenn

Author Notes: I took massive liberties with Pulp Fiction and a tiny bit of Reservoir Dogs. Sorry, can't quote any more or any better and I don't have the movies handy. People, this is REALLY bad. Answer to ASC challenge If [blank] wrote Star Trek.

* * * * *

A night like any other night, when you gotta wonder what's in the coffee and what's with all the neutrally dressed customers in the Messhall Cafe, because everyone's drinking it like it's goin' out of style and you know it wasn't that good to begin with.

They're in a booth, looking cute and a little too perky for two o'clock ship's time, and you know something's up with 'em when they lean close on the table, groping in public notwithstanding.

"I love you, sweetie-pie."

"I love you, honey-bunny."

And it happens fast, you gotta give them that--she's on her feet and on the table, phaser out and pointed dead at the crowd. He's across the room pointing it straight at one scared crewmember, whose lost his smile and maybe peein' his pants.

"Any of you fucking pricks *move*, and I'll assimilate every mother fucking last one of ya." She's a trip, and you wonder what's in the coffee again and what the fuck they're on and where the hell you can get some, like, now. Before you get too much farther in that line of thought, though, they've got a canister open in the middle of the room and my, that boy's gettin' a little trigger happy, because his finger's resting way too close to the button and maybe tonight there'll be cooked crewman for dinner, and fuck if you really care much.

Gotta be the coffee.

"Get all the *fucking* leola root in that *fucking* can right the *fuck* now, Neelix, or your ass will be spread all over that fucking wall!"

You look around, but the customers are pretty cool about the situation and you could sit back and sort of enjoy the show, when Neelix gets it into his head to jump for the alarm and gets a face full of phaser and psychoed out Harry Kim.

"Fuck you, going for the button? Hey, Seven-honey, we got a hero here!"

Neelix ain't nowhere stupid, though he does a great impression of it from time to time.

"Not being a hero," he mumbles, and maybe he's got sense too, because he backs off the alarm and we all sort of breathe a sign of disappointment, because damn. "I--"

"What the f*** do we do with f***ing heroes, baby?"

"We *assmilate* the fuckers, baby!"

"Not a hero!" he whines and it's sort of sad, that, like a whipped puppy, and he starts chucking the leola toward the middle of the room. The rest of us get the phaser in the eye from Seven, and shit, she looks strung-out enough to kill us all and dance over us later, so we sort of help out. When it's full, Seven and Harry get their asses to the canister and a quick grope before they're gone with the ship's supply of leola root, and fuck, life ain't that bad, is it?

So you get another cup of coffee and think of a new catchy phrase to utter next time you order a hit.

The End