With apologies to Stephen Sondheim, Joss Whedon, and the reader. To the tune of "Everybody's Got A Right To Be Happy" from Assassins.
[The stage is bare but for a carnival booth. DARLA materializes from nowhere. Much to her apparent disgust, she is dressed as a carnival barker, complete with striped blazer. A drunken LIAM reels by, distracting her from her sartorial faux pas. DARLA shrugs, leans out of the booth, and begins to sing.]
DARLA: "Hey, kid,
Feelin' bad?
Had a
Brawl with dad?
Say, kid,
Don't get mad...
C'mere and be a vampire....
You think life's a bore?
Want worlds to explore?
I can't agree more.
C'mere and be a vampire...
The crypt's
where the best people gather,
[LIAM begins to open his mouth, but she barrels on]
Get nipped,
Skip the tedious blather!"
LIAM: "Begorrah, and would I be losin' me foine accent, tyew?"
DARLA [grimaces]: "Bet on it." [sings]
"Everybody's
got a right
to be undead,
Leather, tight pants,
cheekbones, great repartee!
Fangs set off
That wicked smile,
Unlife's life, but
With more style,
You'll be fab when you become conscience-free...."
[DARLA grabs LIAM, initiates foreplay involving blood and as much bosom as you can show before 9 PM, and tosses him offstage. There is a ripping as of much Velcro going to meet its maker, and ANGELUS strolls back onstage, dressed in leather and coiffed to beat the band.
By a remarkable coincidence, a shy young Catholic girl with a veil over her head enters timidly from the opposite wing.]
DRUSILLA: "Excuse me, but are these the auditions for The Sound of Music?"
[ANGELUS and DARLA arch eyebrows at one another. They exchange "You? No, no, after you" gestures, and eventually DARLA pushes ANGELUS toward the girl.]
ANGELUS: "Of course they are, dear. Now could you please give us your version of 'Let Me Entertain You'? The director's working from rather an unusual concept."
DRUSILLA strikes the "Sound of Music" singing pose (hands clasped in front of diaphragm) and freezes, mouth open.
ANGELUS: "Say, girl,
Seeing sights?
Visions
Give you frights?
Why not
Stay up nights?
C'mon and be a vampire...."
[He slithers suggestively around DRUSILLA, who continues to mime, rather than sing, her song. Count your blessings.]
"You want to be a nun?
Sugar, that's no fun
The good times have begun
I can show you one..."
[DARLA and ANGELUS link arms and begin to cakewalk, herding DRUSILLA offstage.]
DARLA:
Ev'rybody's got the right
To be undead,
ANGELUS:
Looped or sane,
It makes no difference to me!
DARLA:
Lose your conscience,
ANGELUS:
Lose your strife,
DARLA:
Lose your marbles,
ANGELUS:
Lose your life!
Undeath's great when you eschew sanity."
[The curtain falls. The author was last seen wearing a handlebar mustache and boarding the express train for Irkutsk.]