Wow! I'm pregnant. I don't know why I am so surprised. This is what I wanted. On Friday November 8, 1999 when I first read the test, I thought it had to be wrong. It wasn't. I really am pregnant. I couldn't stop smiling at first. Then it hit me...guilt. I felt guilty that I only waited 4 months to conceive another baby. I felt that I was somehow disrespecting Sydney Nicole. My womb was her womb just a few short months ago and now there is another baby there. After a while some of the guilt faded and I felt a little better about the new baby. I was scared, happy, hopeful and paranoid; along with many other emotions. I never thought that I could feel this many different ways at the same time. It's bittersweet.                           ~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~ Every time I would go to the bathroom I would check to see if I was bleeding. I expected the worst to happen, to lose this baby also. I may never have had a miscarriage but I now know that I am not immune to this kind of tragedy anymore. The worst can happen at any stage in a pregnancy from conception to birth and I know that now. I thought that I wouldn't lose Sydney since I was 38 weeks along. I was wrong. I remember at work, a long time ago, I had two clients in particular, husband and wife, and she was pregnant.  Everytime I saw her I could see this glow in her face. Then a while passed since I saw either of them again. Then her husband came in to see me and told me that she had a miscarriage.  It was weeks later and she still wasn't ready to face the world, wouldn't even leave her home. On his next visit he said that they she is doing better since they talked with others who also experienced miscarriages and they both took comfort in that. Later on she became pregnant again and didn't tell anyone, not even family, until she was 4 months along for fear of having another pregnancy end in miscarriage. I could see how scared she was but I didn't understand it. I couldn't have then but I do now. She went to term and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I don't think I ever saw a happier mother than her. Now that I know how she felt I have hope for me as well. We may have lost our babies at different stages of our pregnancies, but we grieve the same loss...our babies.                            ~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~ November 15, 1999 I had my 1st prenatal appointment. So far all is well. I am 5 weeks 3 days along in this pregnancy. My husband and I had so many questions for Dr. G. He gave us an outline of how he will monitor this pregnancy. I will have more ultrasounds, even if things are physically ok. In the 3rd trimester he will do a biophysical profile then weekly nonstress tests until delivery. He was very caring and compassionate to us...moreso than usual. If I ever want to hear my baby's heartbeat at any time he told me to just go on in and someone will help me. We also discussed the chance of another cord accident. However, cord accidents are not caused by anything the mother does or by genetics, so the possibility will always be there. It may be rare nowadays, but I am proof that it does still happen in today's world. I felt calm when we left his office, calmer than I had felt since taking the pregnancy test.                             ~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~ December 13, 1999 was the day of my 2nd appointment. We heard the baby's HEARTBEAT! I was surprised considering I am just over 8 weeks. Before Dr. G used the doppler he warned me that we may not hear a heartbeat and that it wouldn't necessararily mean that something was wrong. Either way I was scared. The last time Dr. G tried to listen for a heartbeat was when I was in labor with Sydney. And there was no heartbeat! That day came flooding right back to me. I will never forget that day 6 months ago. My heart was crushed and still is. Now that I hear this baby's heartbeat this pregnancy seems more real and I feel calmer, yet still very fearful. I am not convinced that this new baby will be alive at birth since Sydney died at 38 weeks 3 days gestation. After my 12 week appointment I will have my 1st ultrasound. I know that Dr. G will also feel better knowing that he is doing everything possible to ensure this baby's safe arrival into the world. He shows compassion and that is comforting.                            ~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~ Christmas was especially difficult to get through this year. Instead of there being lots of presents under the tree for Sydney there was only two, one from her daddy and me and one from her big sister. I also put a baby ornament on the tree and I also had her name and date engraved on a pewter angel ornament (hung with red ribbon). I put that one on the tree as well in her memory.We also bought an age appropriate gift and donated it to The Salvation Army toy drive. It was no surprise to me that I was feeling the holiday blues even days/weeks before Christmas day.This was supposed to be our 1st Christmas with Sydney, not mourning her. Early in the morning on Christmas we (Larry, Kendall and I) went to the cemetaryand placed her gifts under her own little Christmas tree. I couldn't stop myself from crying, but at least I felt a little better afterwards.                            ~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~ Our Christmas visiting proved to be harder than I expected. I just wanted to SCREAM!  One person asked if I was experiencing post-pardum depression. I couldn't believe it! She actually thought I was! I may not be in the "holiday" mood this year but c'mon, post-pardum depression?? I politely said to her, "No, I am not." I didn't go into any more than that at that time. What I wanted to say was, "This is the first Christmas without my baby, my Sydney. It's called 'grief', that is what I am experiencing. And I am also pregnant and my hormones are all out of whack!"   Some people just expect too much in too little of time. Another inquired about my new pregnancy.  She said, "Everything will be fine this time. You shouldn't be worried, the odds are on your side." Where were the odds when I was pregnant with Sydney?, I wanted to ask but didn't. There is not one thing that anyone can do or say that will take my fears away. And as for "the odds" I feel mine are 50/50. This is baby number three, number 1 is alive and healthy, number two was not even born alive, so I don't know what number three's arrival into this world will be yet. I hope for the best and yet still fear the worst. I know most people really do mean well, they really do, however if they have never been in this situation before they truly cannot even begin to understand how I am feeling now or ever. This is confusing for me since I never know how I am going to feel at any given moment, holiday or no holiday.                         ~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~ Onto next and last entry of my 1st trimester... January 2, 2001... I am now 12 weeks 2 days along, almost out of the first trimester. Remember in the beginning I said that I was always checking for bleeding, spotting, etc. every visit   to the bathroom? Well, it has happened! I called my doctor only to speak with one of his colleagues. The bleeding stopped after about an hour or so, so she told me that everything was most likely fine with me and the baby. SHE doesn't know the worries I have after losing Sydney at term, but she did manage to calm me down and then it didn't seem as bad as I thought. I still called my doctor the next day anyway and went in for a reassurance, not that I was second guessing his partner, I am just more comfortable with my doctor and yesterday was a sunday and he wasn't on call.  He was caring and supportive as I expected. We heard my baby's heartbeat again! It was beating strong in the 170's bpm range. He or she even moved for us! I couldn't feel it though, we heard it on the doppler. I thought it was his or her way of saying, "Mommy, I am ok in here!" It was wonderful! The bleeding was apparently related to a sensitive cervix. I am on limited activity for the rest of the day, unless there is a recurrance. If all stays well I can resume all normal activity tomorrow. If not, call him right away. What a relief just knowing that my baby is still alive in there. Next week is a routine checkup and then and ultrasound, I can't wait!                         ~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~

To My 1st Trimester

~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~~i~