The Moment

I haven't found the energy to bring myself to write another story for a long, long time. I used to write stories about things that happened to me, things that I felt sad about, things that troubled me; things that felt so painful that I just want to them record down and forget. Through the years, I rarely spoke of any pain that I endured and this became the only avenue for release.

Then there came a time when the pain became a routine, when the sorrows turn into numbness and I thought I could write no more. However, on this day, 13th January 2004, a Tuesday, I want to write about this moment which is the lowest moment in my life.

As fate would have it, all the things that could have gone wrong for me had gone wrong in the past few months. Business, school work, love life, almost everything that I had put my heart and soul into has turn into a big tragedy to me. The only thing that binds me to being alive now is my loved ones, my closest friends and family. I do pray that they shall not fail me now; else I would have nothing to live for.

My story today is simple. The business I started out to work on, my school results all ended up in disasters. At that moment in time I did not know what else I can achieve in life, but I was willing to try, to work harder and stand up again. The past few weeks, time and again I told myself to get back on my feet, and even though I was hit by some discouraging matters here and there, I remain firm that I shall be able to recover.

Today would however be the ultimate test for me. The girl whom I have love for the past ten years told me she is getting married this Friday.

Words cannot describe the feelings that overwhelmed me, though I know my face became expressionless for the rest of the short meeting with her tonight. Did I just want to act indifferent to it? Or did I just want to be cool about it? Or was it pretending to noble and congratulate her? I really do not know, till the reality sank in when I left her at the door of the elevator.

Did I feel sad? Yes. Did I feel sorrow? Yes. Did I feel pain? Yes. Did I feel like dying? Yes.

Did I cry? No.

At this very moment when I am typing out this story, not a drop of tear have I shed. I keep questioning myself. Is it because I do not love her enough? I am sure it is a no. Maybe I had expected this day to come someday. But never so soon.

Being numb for so long, I no longer know this intense feeling that was overwhelming me when I began my walk home. That walk home seems to be a whole lifetime to me as all the memories of our past flooded my thoughts. So many times I just felt like collapsing and so many times I just sat along the pavement, feeling too tired to go on. That 2 bus stop distance walk took almost an hour.

When I arrived at the void deck, I did not feel like going home. It was 11.45 pm and I have to report for my first day of work attachment the next day. Duty called for me to rest early and my reasoning told me to be strong and move on. The desperate side of me told me to look up some friends and drink myself silly. That was the two choices I had. Or maybe there was a third option, to die and end everything.

That was a moment in my life that I shall not forget, a thing given to all man, a matter of choice.

And hence I choose to be strong. I can choose to give up on myself and rot, but I know that death would suit me better than be a loser all my life. Death seems tempting, but I owe too much to my parents and I do not want to just leave behind sorrows and pain for them. And so I must choose to be strong.

I say again that this is the lowest point in my life and it shall remain the lowest, for if what is left that I care about fails too, Jinjie shall cease to exist in this world too. If fate wants to end my life this way, then so be it. If not, I swear that I shall come back stronger than ever. That which does not kill me shall make me stronger. I swear that I shall follow through what I have always believed in life. That I shall never let my family and friends down. That I am meant to accomplish something big in my life. That I shall be able to love again and remain true and steadfast as I had been before.

What I can achieve I shall see in time. What I have done, is for history to judge when my time is over.