My Story
I
was born in non-Christian family. When I was young, my parents got my grand
auntie to take care of my elder sister and me as both are working. I only
return home once or twice a month during the weekends. My grand auntie is a
Christian and that was when I got to know about God and Jesus. And I would go
to church with her every Sunday and I disliked going because it was very boring
and I was always forced to wear skirt or dress.
Other
kids surrounded my childhood life, as my grand auntie works as a babysitter for
a living. We were taught to sing songs like ‘Jesus loves me this I know’,
learnt to pray before we eat and before we sleep. I must admit that I did all
this Christian things to please my grand auntie. That was why, when I left in
Primary one, I stopped doing them altogether. I declared myself a freethinker
when I was older, but I still believe that God existed. But my sis still
faithfully prays. There was one night, we were alone at home, and there was
this big moth that came into our room. We were so afraid of it, scared that it
will go near us. My sis encouraged me to pray together that the moth will
leave. I prayed and I truly believed that God would save us from the big moth.
Still, I did not accept Christ and I never thought myself to be a Christian.
During
our secondary school years, my sister’s teacher, who is a Christian, got her to
know more about God. And my sis became very devoted to evangelism. She bought a
lot evangelical tools and used them on me. Almost every night she will share
with me, and I was quite irritated as this went on for months. I knew there was
a God, and I often looked to Him if I had any problem, but that was all, as I
was not prepared to commit. She told me that God loves me no matter who I am or
what I did and that death is not a full stop, but a comma (that is heaven). I
find this very amazing, as I didn’t believe there is such a God who loves me
even though I feel that I not a lovable person, as I often quarreled with my
friends. And I never thought that going to Heaven could be so easy, just by
believing and becoming a Christian. It was too good to be true. But one night I
decided to believe and become a Christian. I did not know what it means to
accept Christ so that was how I interpreted my decision. That was 1995 and I
was in secondary 2.
My
sis and I tried to go church, but was stopped by my dad who is quite anti about
Christianity. Heard that he was stumbled by Christian in the past. This made me
strive to be good so that I do not stumble anyone. My grand auntie often
reminds us to be good girls so that my father’s impression on Christians will
change (being a good testimony at home has always been a problem up till
today). During two of the church youth group meetings I went before my father
stopped us, I learnt about Proverbs. I was amazed by the verses, how applicable
they are to our life and amazed at God’s wisdom. I kept telling God that He is
very wise. When I was in sec three, I studied biology and again, I was amazed
at His creation, human. All the
circulatory system, kidney, heart, nervous system etc worked seamlessly
together. I often marveled at His works and told my good friend about it, she
was not Christian at that time (she attributed to her becoming a Christian to
my sharing, thank God). I knew that such wonderful and perfect things couldn’t
appear on its own, it has to be God. These two things, God’s wisdom and God’s
creation kept my faith going. But I still feel that I haven’t got the full idea
of what it means to be a Christian. I prayed for more faith and to get to know
Him almost every night. This prayer was answered when I went to SAJC.
SAJC Days (1998-1999)
During
my first day in SA, one of the tutors announced that the principal wants to see
all the Christians on that Saturday morning. That morning, I didn’t want to go,
as I wanted to sleep. But my sis insisted on me going. I am glad I did. That
meeting was a culture shock to me. I have never heard of those songs before; I
mean rock Christian music with a band and young people lifting up hands and
sing. BC told us about the harvest in SA and that we have a part to play. I
have never thought being part of such a big project. It was in SA that I know
the meaning of Good Friday and Easter; I no longer consider them as just
another public holiday.
I
joined Saints For Christ for the wrong motive: as a back up ECA. And quitted it
when I was in year two. Before I made that decision, I went to one of our
counselors, Choi Foong, for advice. It was my first contact with a counselor. I
felt awkward because I thought that looking for them means I got big problems.
But it was through this that I got to know her and through her, I got to know
more about God. I joined the cell group she had started and grew spiritually.
It
was these two years that my foundation of the knowledge of God was laid.
Without these two years, I faith may not survive as the days after my A levels
got harder. I was no longer in the safe haven of SA.
After
my A level exams, I decided that I want to go to church every Sunday as I know
that I won’t be able to enjoy the spiritual feeding I had in SAJC. But things
were not as smooth as I had hoped. My dad disallowed me to go to church and our
disagreement placed my mum under a lot of pressure. And she actually threatened
to commit suicide if I continue to attend church service. I did not want my mum to die just because I
want to go to church so I decided not to. I was disappointed in myself because
I saw myself as a coward. I keep asking myself, if you really love God, why are
you afraid of your mum’s threat and is it wrong of me to not want my mum to die
because of my decision. I was disappointed with God because I did not
understand why He would allow this to happen to me.
For
the whole of 2000, I only attended cell group on Saturday and it was behind my
parents’ back. I grew to hate my parents for the hurt they have inflicted on
me, and the fear they had placed in me. Worse still, my A level results were
not good enough for me to get into university. I keep asking God to let me go
to university because m family’s pride is at stake. All my relatives expect my
sis and I to get a degree as nobody on my father’s side has gotten it. I was
very embarrassed to see them when I had to further my studies in Ngee Ann Polytechnic
and I think my parents felt the same way too. I was feeling really bad and
asked God why didn’t He say yes my prayers. I wanted to go to church every
Sunday and to go to NUS, but all these did not happened.
Finally, in September 2000, I decided to take a break from God. I was too disappointed to talk to Him. However, those days without God were miserable and meaningless. I found myself studying and eating chocolates to take away the emptiness in me, but to no avail. When I decided to repent and trust Him again, I felt so much joy in me. I looked backed and told myself that I don’t want to go through it again. God is good and He was very patient with me even with all the complaints I had against Him and my family. That was not all. He gave me the desire to get baptized and even gave me a baptism name. I promised to get baptized as soon as possible if I managed to go to church. However, these good days did not last long, and I found myself backsliding again. Looking back, I found out the reason behind it. It was my resentment against my parents that was affecting my relationship with God and He wanted to rectify it. I remembered telling God that I rather not go to church or even heaven; I just want my parents dead. During the youth camp in December 2000, I was very reluctant to go up for altar call during the first night when I realized about my resentment. I keep telling Him I will solve it when I get back to the bunk, but I went up anyway. Worse, I had to confess it to the person praying for me. That was even more difficult, but I told my cell leader about it, and we prayed. This bondage has been broken through confession and repentance. At that point, I told God I don’t want to hate my parents again. I felt so free, and I was able to worship God, which I have not been able to do so for months.
Year 2001
Prayed
and fasted to go church in November 2000, and finally, I was able to go to
church on the first Sunday of year 2001. I asked my dad and he allowed. If I
still resent my dad, I would not have wanted to talk to him about it, fearing
that he would hurt me again. But things did not go very well when I wanted to
get baptized (which I promised God I would do). My dad felt that I pushing my
luck because I have been to church for only about 4 month. He was very against
it, but I’ve decided to go ahead. I did not have any peace. When a friend
called and advised me to not go ahead as I was not honouring my parents by
disobeying them, at the last minute, I pulled out from it. After this, my dad
asked me not to go to church any more. I felt very cheated and felt that I’ve
made things worse. And I regretted that decision since then. My walk with God
also took a downturn. I did not grow, I found myself going nowhere. Whenever
someone got baptized, I will ask God, when is it my turn. I asked God why is it
that baptism is so important, yet I had to wait. I waited to get to church (it
took me a year), and I have to wait again for my baptism. During the Youth camp
2001, I found out that I was not able to trust God any more because of my
failed attempt to get baptized. I felt that He has cheated me. And I prayed
that I would be able to trust in Him again.
I felt refreshed and ready for the challenges ahead in the year 2002. Thank
God for the lesson I’ve learnt in Camp 2000: learn to forgive my parents.
Thought
it would better year after the camp, but I still find myself not able to grow
spiritually. I just felt that no matter how many camps I attend, how many
prayer meetings I go and how many things I do to serve God, I’m not growing.
During Pentecost Sunday, I feel that God wants me to grow and that He is asking
me: “For how long do you want me to wait for you to grow up?” I did not know
and I asked Him to tell me how to grow. In the evening I told Choi Foong about
it, and she pointed out that I have not been growing since I pulled out from
baptism last year. All the more I regretted my decision. I felt that I should
do something about it and the only thing to do was to pray and fast. Two weeks later,
on the 2nd of June, I go baptized.
I
decided to get baptized on 28th of May. My dad, again, objected to
it, and again, I wanted to go ahead. Obey God, not man; fear God, not man;
honour God before man. He threatened to disown me and not support my studies.
It was not a breeze. I felt myself going through the same thing as last year
and I found out that I have not forgiven my dad for the things he had done and
the things he did not do as a father to the family and me. And I doubted God;
as I found it a bit too rush (only six days between my decision and the
baptism). I asked God the same question: “ Are You sure it’s really the time?”
for six days. I thank Him for His faithfulness when I did not have the faith to
believe and the patience when I keep asking the same question. I thank God for
the scolding I got from my dad the day before baptism as this allowed me to
realized the sin and repented from it before my baptism. Thank God for giving
me the courage to go through the persecutions and to trust that He will provide
if I am kicked out of the house. Thank God I was not kicked out and 2 weeks
after my baptism, my dad bought dinner for me. And I found out the power of
prayer and fasting. 2 months after I’ve fasted and prayed, I was able to go to
church. 2 weeks after I fasted and prayed, I was able to get baptized.
Hahahahahah… I am more than a conqueror in Christ.
After
baptism, life still goes on and I got a lot of catching up to do. But I believe
God will be there for me as He has shown Himself faithful; from the day I
became a Christian, to my struggles, to my baptism. Now I know how it means and
how it feels to be more than a conqueror in Christ: it’s peaceful, joyful and
hopeful. God will make a way. I pray that I will continue to believe and trust
Him.
Story Behind My Baptism Name – Esther
Got
the name in 2000 after reading the book Esther. At that time I was
unwillingness to be in Ngee Ann Poly and struggled with God about it. God gave
me the name Esther to me to remind me that I’m in a place (whether I am willing
or not) for a purpose. This was just like in the case of Esther. She became a
queen for to save her people from genocide. Her cousin Mordecai said: “And who
knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time like this.” I know
that God has placed me in Ngee Ann for his purpose through the events and the
people I’ve met. This name serves as a reminder that no matter where I am, God
has a purpose for me being there and that I should trust in His ways. In 2001,
I found out that the name Esther means shining star. Then I read a verse from
Philippians in which Paul said: “Do everything without complaining and arguing,
so that you may be blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a
crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe
as you hold out the word of life…” I’m a person who complains a lot, especially
when I’m asked by my mum to do things and I found out that continued
complaining tends to make one dwell in self-pity and thus becomes ineffective
spiritually. That’s what happened to me, and again, it is a reminder from God:
don’t complain and be a shining star. Esther said in the Bible: “ If I perish,
I perish”. I was saying: “It’s do or die, now or never”. Now I know how she
felt and why God gave me this name. Thank God for the name and I pray that I
will hold out the word of life and shine even in the midst of persecutions and
hard times. This is just the beginning…