* MOMMY BLUES *
Mommy's occasional page ...
I have been feeling extremely emotional, 'pek-chek' and blue for the past week, make that month! No, my menses has not returned! Mommies who breastfeed exclusively do not get their periods back so soon.
What i am going thru seems to be very unusual in the eyes of some... After all, so many mommies go on just 8 weeks of maternity leave and then back to the office they go. Life goes on as per normal. Someone else cares for the new Baby. So why am i going thru this whole turmoil whenever the thought of going back to work comes up?
This month will be the 3rd month I am on No-Pay Leave and i am supposed to go back to work middle of next month. Sometime in mid-Feb, i decided that i would not be able to do it coz i just break down whenever i think of handing my Baby over to someone else. It took a lot of courage for me to bring it up to my boss but i finally did and i told him i wanted to request for NPL for the whole of 2003. Yes, the whole year!
Am i being practical? No salary for the whole year! Just Baby and me, 24/7, 365 days! Well... maybe i'm being idealistic... living by the words on this baby poster dh bought me:
Priorities: A hundred years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was,
the sort of house i lived in or the kind of car i drove. But the world may be different because i was important in the life of a child.
i've cried until i thought i have no more tears left. but fresh tears always come again...
Obviously i cannot not work forever. and i should be very thankful and grateful that my bosses want me back. i truly am... boss, if you are reading this, thank you for having so much confidence and faith in me.
So come July, i will no longer be a SAHM. No more weekend n occasional pumping for dh to * try * feed Baby ebm from the bottle. It's going to be the start of my full time 3x a day pumping career as a WOHM.
So, where's Baby gonna go?
I don't know. I am still searching for that elusive babysitter, willing to care for this high-need Kanga Baby who refuses the bottle most times and does not sleep unless rocked by Mommy Yao Lan and provided with Mommy Mattress.
I've spent the past 4 months blissfully attached to my Baby: wearing him, co-sleeping, learning to read and respond to his every need and watching him grow and thrive on mommy's milk. Now, i am going to spend the next 4 months 'undoing' and detaching myself as i prepare him for his other caregiver. I think this is going to be more painful than childbirth.... and i'll probably be an emotional wreck by the time i get back to work. Sigh...
Over the past week, I've been asked repeatedly to factor myself into the equation and think long term, think of the future. Be practical. And hardhearted... OK, i am going to try. Very hard.
Most mommies get 8 weeks with their babies, i'll be getting 8 months... so i guess i better stop ranting...
Nothing else will make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, as motherhood.