Top 27 Things Guys Think Girls Should Know

*1. We're not as big of perverts as you think we all are.

*2. No matter what you say, your ex-boyfriend is an asshole.

*3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.

*4. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.

*5. Don't treat us like crap, what goes around comes around.

*6. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with you.

*7. Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.
If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong,
just tell us it's that time of the month and nothing more.

*8. If you really liked us for us, you would let us
think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.

*9. We never shave our legs. Get over it.

*10. NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us.
It's just wrong.

*11. Don't make bets about us, because one of
your friends will tell us, if you don't.

*12. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.

*13. We absolutely do not care about, The Backstreet Boys, NSYNC,
98 degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.

*14. What does pms stand for?

*15. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time,
but at least we can stand up and go pee.

*16. Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean
that you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong."

*17. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you,
but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while.

*18. We like to know that you love us.
We can't always be spontaneous,so try to help us make the plans sometimes.

*19. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you,
cause you might just get what you wish for.

*20. Never kick us in the nuts"just to see what we would say"

*21. Never pretend like you are going to break up
with us and laugh when we believe you.

*22. Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't fake anymore,
but we like yours better anyway. Size doesn't matter,
except to idiots who don't want a relationship.

*23. PMS is not an excuse.

*24. If you want us to put the seat down when we're done,
you should put it up when you're done.

*25. Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was.
That doesn't turn us on.

*26. And always remember: The way to a guys heart
is through his stomach..... and maybe....oh never mind.

*27. And last but not least: We know you're not always right,
but we'll pretend like you are anyway.


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Why Women Talk so Much

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men.
He showed her a study that reported that men use an average of
15,000 words a day, but women use 30,000 words a day.

The wife promply told him that women use twice as many words
because they have to repeat everything they say to men.

Looking stunned, the husband said, "What?"

"Women use twice as many words because they have to repeat everything they say to men!"


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A man and his wife were having some problems
at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week, the man realized that he would need
his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight to Chicago.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

The next morning the man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't
woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

(MEN JUST AREN'T EQUIPPED FOR THESE SORT OF CONTESTS)


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Twisted Conversations

Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.


Wife : You tell a man something: it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.


Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : I think you're pretty ugly.


Peter : Mom, does God use our bathroom?
Mother : No, Peter. Why?
Peter : Because Daddy bangs on the door every morning and yells, "Oh god, are you still there?"


Customer : How much is that tie?
Salesman : Forty dollars.
Customer : Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much money.
Salesman : But how would a pair of shoes look around your neck.


Jimmy : Mom, can I have two pieces of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.


Woman : How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration to me?
Man : By cheque, money order or cash.


Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.


Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.


Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?


Man : I'm new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank?
Little boy : I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.
Man : Why should I pay you so much?
Little boy : Because bank "directors" are always highly paid.


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When Tom and Grace first got married,
Tom said," I am putting a box under the bed.
You must promise to never look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Grace never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary,
curiosity got the best of her.
She lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box were three empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box,
she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they went out for a special dinner.
After dinner Grace could no longer contain
her curiosity and she confessed:
"I am so sorry.
For all these years I kept my promise
and never looked into the box under our bed;
however, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.
But now I need to know: Why do you keep the cans in the box?

Tom thought for a while and said,
"I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth.
Whenever I was unfaithful to you,
I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Grace was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened,
but I guess after all those years away from home on the road,
temptation does happen, and I guess that three times is not that bad considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, Grace asked Tom,
"So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Tom answered,"Well, whenever the box was filled up with empty cans,
I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."

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A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort,
thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed,
her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair,
and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!"
and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later,
she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrriiip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled,
Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".
A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.
This time she didn't even think about it.
She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"

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THE WISH

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.
The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!
The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
"Lord, I wish that I could understand women.
I want to know how they feel inside,
what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment,
why they cry,
what they mean when they say 'nothing',
and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

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Very Hi Tech

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound.

The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.
"That's my pager," he says.
"I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear.
When he finishes he explains,
"That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone,
decided he had to do something just as impressive.
He steps out of the sauna and goes to the toilet.
He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass.

The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?"

"I'm getting a Fax," he explains.

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In a certain suburban neighborhood,
there were two brothers,
8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous.
Whenever something went wrong in the neighborhood,
it turned out they had a hand in it.
Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them.
Hearing about a minister nearby who worked with delinquent boys,
the mother suggested to the father that they ask the minister to talk with the boys.
The father agreed.

The mother went to the minister and made her request.
He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone.
So the mother sent him to the minister.
The minister sat the boy down on the other side of his huge, impressive desk.
For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.

Finally, the minister pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the minister pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the minister leaned far
across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home.
Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet,
where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, "We are in B-I-I-I-I-G trouble now!"

The older boy asked, "What do you mean, B-I-I-I-I-G trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

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Understanding Men

1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual,
are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11.The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW...WHO UNDERSTANDS MEN?
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes,
and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark
until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

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Husband & Wife - Why divorce?

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge:
"Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why ?" asked the judge.
She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know ?"
She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said,
"One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."
"Samy! But he is your enemy !"
"Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."

Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Husband & Wife - Why?

" Dad, I was away for a week.
Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night,
and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.
" Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes,
then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."

Husband & Wife - Same Service

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said,
"When we were first married, I would come home from the office,
and my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.
Now after ten years it's all different,
I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor.
"You're still getting the same service!"

Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband

One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband,
but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward;
but have I ever said anything bad about him?"

Husband & Wife - Love To Do

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said,
"Do you see that couple ? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet.
Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to." Replied the husband.
"But I don't know her well enough."

Husband & Wife - No Answer Back

A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me,
my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."
One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?"
The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.

Husband & Wife - Come Home Late

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late,
no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did.
Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning,
and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.
"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?"
The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

If someone came into your life,
And became part of it,
But for some reason she couldn't stay,
Don't cry too much about it.
Just be glad that your path crossed,
And somehow she made you happy for a while.

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Here's a cute little riddle that makes you stop and think a little bit!
Pass it along to your friends and enjoy!
A riddle to be solved........can you do it:
The poor have it.
The rich need it.
What is greater than God?
What is more evil than the devil?
If you eat it you'll die?
This is all one riddle, with one answer.
An interesting stat is that 70% of Stanford University students couldn't work it out,
however 80% of Kindergarten kids could.
Think about it and then scroll down...

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The answer is "nothing"
The poor have nothing
The rich need nothing
Nothing is greater than God
Nothing is more evil than the devil
If you eat nothing you'll die

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The Lord Will Provide

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that
the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house.
Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.
Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them.
"No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."

The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs.
Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety.
She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up.
"Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney.
When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting,
"The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed,
she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God.
"What happened?" she cried.
"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats."

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