Very Hi Tech

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound.

The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.
"That's my pager," he says.
"I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear.
When he finishes he explains,
"That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone,
decided he had to do something just as impressive.
He steps out of the sauna and goes to the toilet.
He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass.

The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?"

"I'm getting a Fax," he explains.

In a certain suburban neighborhood,
there were two brothers,
8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous.
Whenever something went wrong in the neighborhood,
it turned out they had a hand in it.
Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them.
Hearing about a minister nearby who worked with delinquent boys,
the mother suggested to the father that they ask the minister to talk with the boys.
The father agreed.

The mother went to the minister and made her request.
He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone.
So the mother sent him to the minister.
The minister sat the boy down on the other side of his huge, impressive desk.
For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.

Finally, the minister pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the minister pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the minister leaned far
across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home.
Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet,
where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, "We are in B-I-I-I-I-G trouble now!"

The older boy asked, "What do you mean, B-I-I-I-I-G trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

Understanding Men

1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual,
are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11.The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW...WHO UNDERSTANDS MEN?
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes,
and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark
until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

Husband & Wife - Why divorce?

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge:
"Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why ?" asked the judge.
She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know ?"
She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said,
"One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."
"Samy! But he is your enemy !"
"Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."

Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Husband & Wife - Why?

" Dad, I was away for a week.
Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night,
and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.
" Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes,
then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."

Husband & Wife - Same Service

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said,
"When we were first married, I would come home from the office,
and my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.
Now after ten years it's all different,
I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor.
"You're still getting the same service!"

Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband

One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband,
but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward;
but have I ever said anything bad about him?"

Husband & Wife - Love To Do

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said,
"Do you see that couple ? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet.
Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to." Replied the husband.
"But I don't know her well enough."

Husband & Wife - No Answer Back

A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me,
my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."
One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?"
The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.

Husband & Wife - Come Home Late

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late,
no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did.
Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning,
and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.
"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?"
The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

If someone came into your life,
And became part of it,
But for some reason she couldn't stay,
Don't cry too much about it.
Just be glad that your path crossed,
And somehow she made you happy for a while.

Here's a cute little riddle that makes you stop and think a little bit!
Pass it along to your friends and enjoy!
A riddle to be solved........can you do it:
The poor have it.
The rich need it.
What is greater than God?
What is more evil than the devil?
If you eat it you'll die?
This is all one riddle, with one answer.
An interesting stat is that 70% of Stanford University students couldn't work it out,
however 80% of Kindergarten kids could.
Think about it and then scroll down...

>>>
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The answer is "nothing"
The poor have nothing
The rich need nothing
Nothing is greater than God
Nothing is more evil than the devil
If you eat nothing you'll die

The Lord Will Provide

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that
the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house.
Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.
Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them.
"No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."

The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs.
Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety.
She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up.
"Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney.
When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting,
"The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed,
she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God.
"What happened?" she cried.
"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats."