30January05, sunday -- abba

it's all done, it's settled. i'm going to fucking burn in hell, and possibly get disowned.

he's pacing in and out of the room as he always does when he has something to say, but like how it is with me, those things i expect come in little bursts, little intervals so he walks in says a bit then goes out then comes in again. He hasn't said anything yet except a snide "think you very independent now lah". Now the guilt and remorse is setting in, born of years of conditioning. But it cannot overthrow jaded-ness. this will all come to naught. screw it all.

29January05, saturday -- Growing Up

I have calmed down, but know this: NARUTO HAS GROWN UP. :((((((

this coincides nicely with my turning eighteen and meeting up with kim and juliana and cpy (vivien chose leo club over us, but ah well). kim is still kim, juliana's still juliana and i don't really remember CPY being so gao xiao but she is! i miss the way we used to laugh in primary school, like how we did yesterday. HARD. think we might meet up next week, before juliana goes to ipoh and she and kim leave for uni in australi. how strange. Juliana and kim were already discussing masters degree and phds, but cpy and i were still fretting about making it to NUS. sense of distance, not in a bad way.

25January05, tuesday -- READ THIS.

went blog hopping and found this. this is only part of the post by an asian and furiously indignant livejournal user. for the full post and updates on the incident visit http://www.livejournal.com/users/asianrenegade/

"Niggers" not okay, but "Chinks" just fine

For the last week New York's Hot 97 has been running a hideously unfunny and offensive skit named the "Tsunami Song," that ridicules the victims of the Tsunami as "chinks" whose children will now be sold into child slavery. It's being played on the station's morning show, hosted by Miss Jones.

"......."

Here are some choice lyrics:
"..All at once you could hear the screaming Chinks and no one was
safe from the wave there were Africans drowning, little chinamen
swept away you could hear god laughing, "swim you bitches swim
So now you're screwed, it's the Tsunami
you better run or kiss your ass away, go find your mommy
I just saw her float by, a tree went through her head
and now the children will be sold to child slavery..."

-Ben Chan

what disturbs is not so much the chink thing, hello people in school use it all the time. but how spectacularly insensitive they were to the whole thing. ahhh, go read it for yourself.

hohoho. social power eh, blogs.

23January05, sunday -- Ho-hum

things are going back to normal, yay. Have been enlightened over the weekend. :D Time to study hard. got history test on thursday, first test of the year so time to slog. last night was flipping through the stack of notes i bought from charlotte, and i MEAN stack, made me panic a little. >_< just finished econs essay half an hour ago, feels good! spent two hours on the damn thing, better pass it ah. hate econs.

on friday went to grandma's house to learn how to make pineapple tarts. i've only learnt this year that joanna hates pineapple tarts, what a shock. Anyway, pineapple tarts are tedious. spent a good 5 hours helping my mother make them today. what about the history test i hear you ask. hahaha. one thing at a time. joanna's good at cooking and baking and stuff, she could be a housewife. even my grandmother said she was good. LOL. i am not cut out for jigsaw puzzle assembling or baking or sewing, spare me please. :D watched black hawk down and doctor zhivago, the first was gruesome, the second boring. thank goodness i didn't go read the book.

yesterday went out with siew tee and watched finding neverland. was supposed to meet the following for dinner: kim and juliana who're on holiday now, they have to go back to australia for uni,vivien from tj, peiying from ny. but vivien and juliana couldn't make it so postponed to friday or something. sigh. anyway. saw LABYRINTH! the dvd! 46.90! >_< i vowed to save up for it but later in the night we saw disney's fantasia going for $5, and bought it. watching it last night proved to me that i tend to romanticise things, because despite remembering fantasia as wonderful, fantasia bored my socks off. ha. five dollars that i could've put into the labyrinth fund. am wondering if i should even bother saving up 47 dollars to get labyrinth which i may end up not liking in the end. oh the pain, not knowing if you've romanticised your memories.

... >| must go think about it.

20January05, thursday -- Bitter Bitter

friendships die, convos die, class spirit dies, people die, feelings die. Good things die.

SHEESH

19January05, wednesday -- Trivial Business

it was pointed out today that i have no reason to be depressed. I have a great family, great friends, schoolwork's not bad. I have no reason to be depressed. In comparison to those who have lost their lives, their families, their homes to the tsunami, compared to the oppressed and the destitute I _should_ be happy. We should be happy, all those people like me, we should be happy, we should appreciate what we have. WE SHOULD BE HAPPY.

never mind. there is a thin line between being depressed and being too lazy and sheltered and spoilt to stand up again. EAT THAT, LIFE.

17January05, monday -- Crimson Tide's Nowhere In Sight

i am terribly, incurably grumpy. Irene ang's bloody best denki ad is pissing the shit out of me, ditto the NKF's programme on channel newsasia. Basically i am an unhappy, unhappy, UNHAPPY person. Let me tell you why. (Alternatively you could just tune out my self centered rambling and bugger off.)

1.Today is the eve of my 18th birthday.Oh good grief i'm AGEING. *mortified* Birthday presents aren't so much celebrations as consolations, i am utterly convinced. :( i don't wanna grow old. i'm going to live with michael jackson on neverland ranch where we can happily indulge ourselves in the delusion of being young eternally while the ugly mortal world falls to bit, falls to bits, falls to bits. Call me Doreen Gray why don't you just. Yes, i am being ridiculously, unjustifiably miserable about growing older. Growing old tends to = leaving the safety zone and what sort of masochist would want to do that?? Yes, no pain no gain but ahh screw it, tell me when i'm done mourning the addition to my years.

2.went down to harbourfront area to do some scouting for the amazing race thing, it was wet and drizzly and the specific place was closed. that, after having made a tedious journey uphill on slippery asphalt.

3. my sister is monopolising the mp3 player so she can listen to some ryan cabera dude sing about line crossing, and also because she paid for the batteries. stingystingystingy. and she previously plonked herself contentedly in front of the com to use because i said she could have the com when i really meant until eight thirty as she previously suggested. okay, communication breakdown's my fault but argh. so i had to bellow "JOANNA ARE YOU DONE?!" before she gave it up, quite graciously lah. so thankers joanna. *feeble smile*

4. i cannot be bothered to read hitsuji no namida. think too long never read chinese, then to suddenly read chinese, FAN TI ZI and taiwanese chinese somemore, is a bit of a killer. seemed quite excruciating, to plough through the pages. HNN is cute, but preachy and tends to veer into irrelevance in its preachiness. like, stop trying to imitate fruitsbasket and you might do fine! tsk. oh man. i am SO out of touch with manga. @!#@%$^ can't even be bothered to read naruto 25. think naruto's kinda overrated. sorry em =/

5. am sleepy, feel like sleeping but there's something hanging over my head that's the true root of this grumpiness only i can't seem to put my finger on it. can't sleep thanks to it. could be the religious or identity crisis, hard to say. maybe both. maybe more.

6.i hate how academics are really starting to bother me now. dunno if good or bad ah. like, haven't finished persuasion, haven't started othello, want to read char's history notes, tcp's readings, read the princess diaries (OK I ADMIT I AM RETREATING INTO TWEENSVILLE FOR SHELTER FROM AGEING LAH.), read some other serious smarty warty books. fast food nation bored the socks off me, dunno how michelle tahan-ed it. clever yeeli decided to give up a long time ago.

okay enough, enough for now before the computer screen explodes. have to go type out the bloody amazing race clues because the proposal's due tmr but we're behind time i think. grrrr. think i'm lucky to have friends, who've tried so hard to make tmr a special day for me. it sounds a bit cliched, a bit insincere, but i REALLY appreciate it, i do. I dunno how to express it. maybe i'll try making you all pineapple tarts. you must however, promise not to charge me should u get food poisoning. :) in the unlikely event that i cry tmr, let it be known its for either or both of the following reasons : i am extremely touched, or i REALLY don't want to grow old.

someone should teach me to abuse the privileges of being 18. *sobs*

13January05, thursday -- Get Your Water Bottle Off My Bed

I'm glad to have ginny and (sometimes) angie around. hahaha. thank you darlings, for everything. <3

traipsed from bugis down to clark quay with norman today. four hours on your feet and they -will- hurt. but it was good fun, norman's pretty fun to talk to even though he may suddenly come up with some mind boggling idea thingy he'd read somewhere. :D

my father's watching something abt freud. =/ would be interesting if i wasn't using the com and trying to blog.

at every turn, every road chosen demons leap out from behind the shadows of the crossroads to pin me to the ground, leading to indecisiveness, insecurity and therefore the instinctive urge to flee. i am regretting sososo much. i feel so old. i hate putting things like this publicly, but just let me get it out of my system before i end the Year of Cynicism eh.

10January05, monday -- Yikes

okay it is a mundane monday afternoon and i have not much to do. i don't like this blog no more, gonna move. Please help me if you know html. =]

6_January05, saturday -- The Glass IS Half Empty, Blind Fool

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

okay enough optimism for the year. Could be the "fishball"'s coming to town, or i really am being negative. Or maybe i'm not getting enough sleep. Less than 8 hours a day X a few days and i get extremely cranky. I've brought out the evanescence. huurrrrrrh.

i hate econs. my mind draws a blank when faced with a question. you might as well ask me about nuclear science. ha. econs recognises me but i don't recognise it (this sounds better in chinese). apparently the word chinese is derogatory. as is caucasian, lol. whatever.

I WILL SURVIVE. let's see what bloody school can throw at me. HMMMMPH.

31December04, saturday -- Xin Tong

The tsunami thing's really getting to me. Heart pain ah. :( Flipping open the papers is a saddening thing, yet at the same time very inspiring seeing humanity working together to help each other. Makes me wanna do stuff too. Go visit the National Volunteer and Philantrophy Center. Mercy Relief needs volunteers for packing stuff. Anyone?

P.S i think i'm freaking out.
P.P.S goodbye 2004. hello A levels. :(

29December04, wednesday -- Butter.

Don't ask me why, Butter. just sounds nice.

was quite disappointing to find out i couldn't get my atm thingy done today, after waiting for 45 minutes. GRRR. the joint account with my ma has to be shut before a new account opened unless i have $500 to deposit. what makes it all -crushingly- disappointing is that i'll have to put off getting my horrible histories and cds thanks to that. even slippers!#@%$&^& But joanna redeemed the day by getting me the ronan keating cd as birthday present! ^_^ *muaks* to jo. she got around the 10 dollar rule by saying that we'll share it. heeheehee.

overall, today's been a bit of a crummy day. no homework done, no account opening, no flip flops bought for beaching tomorrow. came back at three or so, had lunch, read and fell asleep until five then came online. great. parents are grumpy now. !@$#$&^%^* feel like going back to school and studying hard. goodbye.