"I don't like this." Jarod said adamantly
as the others in the hastily converted conference room watched Anne and the
babies on the monitor. "We're invading her privacy."
"Anne has no concept of privacy right
now." Susan assured him absently, most of her attention focused on the
screen. "And it's for her own good."
"It's like you don't trust her alone. She'd
never hurt the babies." Jarod protested. That got Susan's full attention.
"Of course she'd never hurt the children!"
She assured Jarod with a small smile. "If I thought for one instant she
would I'd never have left her alone with them."
"Then why?"
Susan sighed and led him into the large suite's
living room, allowing Sydney to continue the observation alone.
"Jarod, Anne's been through hell." She
began kindly, after they were both seated. Jarod opened his mouth to reply, but
she forestalled him with an upraised hand. "She survived by retreating
deeply within herself." She continued.
"She's only allowed herself to operate on what
was virtually an instinctive level, with no higher cognitive functions at all.
We're trying to bring her back to that higher level. A level that she cannot
reach without remembering what has been done to her, and, unfortunately,
feeling all of the emotions that came with the degradation Lyle inflicted on
her.
"The advantage of her almost bestial level of
functioning is that she doesn't feel much of anything right now. When she
finally does allow herself to feel it won't be pleasant. She has to be
watched, and I mean continually, because the odds are high that she will
attempt suicide sometime in the next few weeks."
Jarod paled, and he was briefly grateful that he was
sitting.
"But she's safe now." He protested weakly.
"Her body is safe now." Susan corrected
him firmly. "The battle for her mind is just beginning. Come on, Jarod.
You know exactly what I'm talking about!" She chided him gently.
"Stop thinking with your wishes and start using that brain of yours. What
I helped you to come to terms with was nothing compared to what’s been done to
Anne."
"Maybe I should watch the DSAs." Jarod
suggested half heartedly. "To understand.
Susan shook her head, much to his relief, pity
shining in her green eyes.
"That's the last thing you should do.
That would be a true invasion of her privacy. She doesn't want you to know what
happened to her, and, trust me, you don't want to know either."
"No." Jarod agreed, his soft brown eyes
nearly black with torment. "I don't. But I feel so damn helpless!"
"I know, Jarod, but you're going to have to
give us time. I suggest you occupy yourself figuring out where to go from here.
The Centre has been cleaned out, for the most part, so what do you think should
happen next?"
"Dynamite?" Jarod suggested bitterly.
"Mmmm, that could be a problem." Susan
smiled. "Anne's not about to leave the building, so if you blow the place
up…"
Jarod smiled, albeit unwillingly.
"Okay, no dynamite." He agreed.
"Where’s Parker? She should certainly be involved in any planning."
"Miss Parker is giving a deposition in her
office, although I believe Curt has arranged for her to have amnesty along with
Sam, Sydney, and Broots, for their assistance in the clean up. Broots and Sam
are probably with her."
"Fine." Jarod stood up, determination
covering his face. "First thing we'll need is an inventory----and a lot of
light bulbs." He added, thinking of the dark corridors and rooms of the
sublevels.
Susan sighed with relief as he left the room and she
went in to join Sydney in the other room. Anne and the babies were all sleeping
on the floor of the room, and Susan watched as Angelo crept into the room and
covered them all with blankets. She was astonished to see that he was even able
to slip a pillow under Anne's head without waking her.
"How does he do it?" She marveled.
"I'm not sure." Sydney responded
thoughtfully. "But they communicate on a wordless level, have you
noticed?"
"Yes." Susan took a seat at the oval table
and noticed the images on the computer screen in front of Sydney. It was the
surgery to remove the bullet Anne had undergone on her first day back at the
Centre.
"My God!" She breathed, shocked out of her
customary composure. "That's barbaric!"
"That's only the beginning." Sydney sighed
sadly.
By morning both psychiatrists were caught up on
Anne's months of captivity. They knew of the tortures Lyle had used on her, and
they had a pretty good idea of what had gone on in the inner room of her
chambers where Lyle had ensured there were no cameras. Both were pale and
looked nauseous, and they sat wordlessly for some time after the last DSA had
finished.
"How are we ever going to reach her?"
Susan finally said numbly.
"Should we even try?" Sydney asked
bleakly. "Maybe we could hypnotize her and suppress the memories?"
"You don't really think you stand a chance of
hypnotizing her, do you?" Susan asked bluntly. "Besides, repressed
memories generally come out sooner or later, so we wouldn't be doing her any
favors. No, she survived this far, somehow we're just going to have to convince
her to learn to live with this."
"Babies." Angelo's voice came from behind
the two psychiatrists, startling them.
"Babies?" Sydney repeated blankly.
"Of course." Susan breathed, hope lighting
her face. "She obviously loves them deeply. I’m convinced that it was
caring for Deirdre that kept her going through the worst of all of this. We
have keep them with her absolutely as much as possible. Caring for them may be
the only thing that can keep her going while we help her to deal with
everything else."
"Does she need that kind of stress right
now?" Sydney questioned doubtfully.
"It'll be a good excuse to get Sam and Sally
and even Jarod and Angelo around her and helping." Susan argued.
"That just might do it! Thank you,
Angelo!" Filled with renewed purpose, Susan looked towards the monitor of
the room, checking again on the battered woman.
"Omigawd!" She breathed desperately.
"She's gone! Damn! How'd she do that?"
She and Sydney raced into the bedroom, confirming
that Anne was, indeed AWOL. Sydney was on the cellphone that went everywhere
with him. By force of habit he'd called Centre security, and by luck, Curt had
set up a base in the security office. In moments Curt had four men examining
the literally hundreds of camera feeds from all over the Centre and another
dozen men conducting a search.
Susan, fearing the worst, was already on her way to
the roof. Angelo, keeping his inhuman calm as always, knocked on the door of
the room Sam and Sally had taken, and said one brief word to the older couple:
"Babies."
Then, while they headed towards the suite to see
what on earth Angelo meant, he calmly made his way to the elevator, traveling
to the lower levels with more ease than he'd been accustomed to before the
liberation of the Centre.
I don't really know how she knew, but the other knew
about the cameras, not that either of us was really surprised. She didn't
expect to be treated with respect, she didn't even really understand what
respect was. As for me, I understood far better than Susan could know. I knew
she expected a suicide attempt, and I knew she was right, but not for the
reasons she thought.
True, I knew that Jarod deserved better than what
Lyle had left of me. I also hoped that the children might escape the curse that
followed me if I was out of their lives. And more than anything I wanted to be
free of the images of Lyle's gloating smile, menacing frown, and instruments of
torture. But the bottom line was even more compelling.
The bottom line was what the voice in our head had
tried to get us to tell Lyle for days. It was the real reason why we adamantly
refused to be examined. It was the final straw in our disgrace. He had
succeeded and we were pregnant.
I don’t know how we got to the hidden torture room,
but when I surfaced from the sea of pain wracking us I realized exactly where
we were. The other, in her simplicity, had responded to our need to end the pain
by bringing us to the beginning of the pain. She then withdrew into the
background, content that she had accomplished what was necessary yet again.
I looked at the instruments all around us,
recognizing each one and placing every scar that every one had given me. The
tear in my heart and soul grew wider as I realized that the life within me had
been created by a man who’s mind had come up with all of this. Pain swamped us
again, and this time we allowed it to come, welcoming it like the labor pains of
childbirth, releasing the tears that we’d pent up for far too long.
That's how Angelo found us, curled into a nearly
fetal position, and wracked with silent sobs. The other within us didn't even
flinch when he gathered us up into his arms and began to rock back and forth,
comforting us with his quiet presence and undemanding empathy.
He was waiting quietly in my mind when the storm
finally eased.
’You can’t do it." He told me calmly, when I
could listen again. ’It would kill Jarod. And your children need you.’
’No, they’re safe now. They have Jarod, and Sally
and Sam. If I stayed I would only hurt them all more.’
’You don’t think your death would hurt Jarod?’ He demanded with brutal
honesty. ’That the children won’t be devastated when they are old enough to
know that their mother left them willingly.’
’You don’t understand.’ I argued painfully. ’
Lyle----‘ I couldn’t go on.
’I understand perfectly.’ He countered firmly. ’I’m
an empath, remember? I know what he did to you and I know the legacy he’s left
you with, but that’s all the more reason to fight!
‘You can’t give up now, or he wins, and you can’t
kill the child---it isn’t in your nature.’’
’I can’t have it. What if it’s a monster like him?
What if I hate it because of who it’s father was?’
’Lyle was a monster because of Lyle and his adoptive
parents---it isn’t something you pass along in the genes. And you won’t hate
the child, your heart was made for love. Even now there’s a part of you that
grieves for what Lyle was put through as a child.’ He assured me.
’I can’t. I’m not that Anne anymore. I've been
hollowed out and there's nothing left inside but pain. Tim, I don't want to
hurt anymore. I just can’t take anymore.’
‘No one in their right mind wants to feel pain,
Anne, but we all know it's a part of life. The pain you feel is good. It tells
you that you are alive, that you aren't an empty shell. That you haven’t been
stripped of your humanity.
‘Anne I know you're telling yourself that Jarod
deserves someone better, someone less damaged.’ He added abruptly, beginning
to pace in our limbo place. I was silent, shocked at his perceptiveness even
though I knew that he was an empath.
’Well, you're wrong! He's not perfect. He's been
damaged too, and he's as afraid as you are to deal with the pain and loss. He
needs you Anne! He's already let you into his heart, and if you kill yourself
it will be the ultimate rejection to him. He'll believe it was his fault until
the day he dies and it will convince him without a doubt that he is unworthy of
love. You won’t be saving him from anything.’
‘He can be human with you, Anne, because he knows
you understand. Even Miss Parker expects him to be the genius, the one with all
of the answers, and rarely allows herself to believe that he's as fallible as
the rest of us. You know better, you see his hurt, you see his lack of
maturity, his excesses, his weaknesses, and he knows that. And you love him
anyway, Anne, he knows that too. If you take that away from him it will kill
something precious and fragile inside of him----and you will have let Lyle win
more than he had even hoped. Is that truly what you want?’
‘No-----but….’ My head hurt. He was turning all of my
careful rationalizations upside down. ‘I----I can't----‘
’Yes you can! You will!’ He insisted firmly, grasping
my shoulders and forcing me to look into his old, old eyes. ’We'll all help
you.’ He promised.
I considered his argument reluctantly. I was bone
tired from surviving for so many years, and I was desperately afraid of the
pain and the responsibility. But I did love Jarod and the babies and I didn't
want to hurt them. And I knew, when I was honest, that even now my death would
hurt them all.
’What about you?’ I finally demanded.
‘What do you mean?’ He was startled and more
than a little uneasy about the question.
‘If I have to get better, to learn to live with all
of this, what about you? Why should I do it if you won't?’
‘I---uh, well, Jarod doesn't---‘ I’d thrown him with that
simple challenge. Part of me felt a fierce joy at his confusion.
‘Yes he does. You and Parker are his oldest friends
and it kills him to see you hurt; to see you so much less than you should be.’ I returned firmly.
Part of me hoped he would give me permission to
avoid my own pain in order to avoid his. Part of me wanted him to pay for
forcing my to think about living! Beneath that part was an enormity of anger
that frightened me half to death.
’If I try, will you?’ He sighed deeply as he
asked that question.
I knew he no more wanted to deal with his demons
than I wanted to deal with mine. But both of us were tied together and to life
by one unbreakable thread----we loved Jarod.
’Yes.’ I growled resentfully, the anger a little closer to
the surface.
’Then I’ll go through whatever healing process the
other two declare necessary with you. We’ll support each other.’ He declared softly.
The part of me that wasn’t angry at his interference
felt a brief stab of gratitude at his self-sacrifice. I knew that what he was
promising wouldn’t be easy for him. He had physical brain damage to overcome in
addition to the emotional scars Raines had left him.
I sighed, and the anger drained from me in an
instant, replaced by the too familiar fear. Tim laid a comforting hand on my
shoulder, and strength flowed from him to me. I faced him, hope warring with
fear, determination warring with defeat.
’Okay, I’m ready.’ I lied weakly.
In the blink of an eye we were back in the room,
surrounded by instruments of torture. I looked around, already regretting my
decision, but Angelo’s hand rested on my shoulder again, and I nodded with
resignation. He took my hand and began leading me towards the door.
My steps slowed the closer we got to it, and the
other crept forward, sensing my discomfort. We were clutching Angelo’s hand in
a white knuckled grip by the time we reached the elevator, and slid cautiously
behind him, when the doors opened on a busy hallway. He kept his reassuring
grip on our hand as we crowded his heels, gripping a fistful of his shirt with
our other hand and trying to keep every person in the hallway under observation
as we made our way towards the next set of elevators.
I noticed one of the blue jacketed men speaking into
a cell phone or radio as we passed, his eyes pitying as they watched us pass. I
had to resist the childish urge to stick out my tongue at him; I hated pity.
Dread mounted as we approached the rooms I had fled hours earlier and the man
that I loved. I stopped dead in my tracks just yards from the door to the suite
of rooms, unable to take another step.
’I can’t!’ I told Angelo silently. ’I can’t face him. I
can’t tell him.’
"You can." Angelo answered briefly, but
with support shining from his pale blue eyes. "You will."
The door opened and Jarod started out, only to be
intercepted by Sydney. I backed up, pulling Angelo with me since I still had a
death grip on the back of his shirt.
"No, Jarod!" Sydney placed a restraining
hand on his arm, and even though he could have easily thrown it off Jarod
stopped.
"Let her return on her own. She needs some
space." Susan explained, appearing in the doorway next to Jarod.
"Come back inside and we’ll wait for her."
"Anne?" Jarod asked, his eyes begging me
to come, to reassure him.
I shut my eyes tightly, blocking out his pleading
expression, ready to bolt again.
"Come." Angelo ordered me firmly, tugging
gently on my captive hand. "Jarod loves you. Always." He added the
last word as an afterthought, obviously trying to reassure me.
’Wait!’ I thought desperately, hanging back. ‘Give me a
minute!’
And we paused, me trembling while I fought the
overwhelming fear that I was about to drive Jarod away from me forever.
’You can do this, Anne.’ Tim told me encouragingly
in the privacy of my mind. ’Let Jarod know. Let him support you.’
’What if he hates me? What if he feels I’ve betrayed
him?’
’He’ll never hate you, Anne, and he feels that he
has betrayed you, not the other way around. He’ll blame himself for what has
happened, but not you.’ Tim assured me gently. ’Come on, let’s get it over with, and then
you won’t have to wonder anymore.’
He waited patiently until I nodded reluctantly.
Still, it took several more moments of debate before I took that next step
towards the door. Relief flooded Jarod’s face and he finally gave in too
Sydney’s insistent tugs on his arm to reenter the rooms. Susan waited patiently
by the door, her expression encouraging.
"Do you want to talk to me alone, Anne?"
She asked when we were almost there. "Jarod doesn’t have to be here if you
don’t want him."
I couldn’t bring myself to release either Angelo’s
hand or shirt, but Angelo heard my silent reply.
"Jarod stay." He said firmly. "Jarod
must hear."
"Not if Anne doesn’t want him." Susan told
him with equal firmness.
"Anne wants." He assured her, and I
nodded.
"Okay." She agreed. "Then we can meet
in the living room, if you think you can be comfortable there."
I nodded again, my eyes fixed on the creamy white
carpeting in the room. If I didn’t look at anyone, perhaps I could say what had
to be said and get it over with. Then, as Angelo had pointed out, I wouldn’t
have to wonder anymore. When Angelo stopped we stood just inside the large,
airy room that made my other so uncomfortable. I halted too, and fixed my gaze
on the rhythmic motion of the waves below us.
"Anne?" Jarod asked me gently. "What happened?
Why did you leave? Where were you?"
"Jarod!" Sydney growled in a warning
voice. "Let her do this in her own way."
I could feel Jarod’s simmering resistance to that
order. Susan seated herself, hoping that I would follow, and Angelo stood
stolidly by my side; a comforting presence.
"I’m sorry I worried you." I signed, still
staring at the water. "I’m not used always in control of my actions."
Varying degrees of relief flowed from all three
members of my audience. They had all suspected that I might be insane to the
point that I wouldn’t be able to communicate coherently.
"What do you mean?" Susan asked softly, as
if a normal tone would send me running.
"I mean it’s crowded in my head." I
glanced briefly in her direction, hoping she understood. "And when I
realized----"
I paused, swallowing hard and nerving myself to make
the next revelation.
"I’m pregnant." I signed, my expression
stony and my eyes fixed on the ocean. "Lyle got what he wanted after
all."
I fought with the other, who wanted to drop to her
crouch and rock. We compromised by hugging ourself tightly around the waist and
swaying from side to side. I refused to look when Jarod rose from his seat and
approached me, finding a spot off to one side to focus on. His hands were
gentle on either side of my face as he turned it to face him. I sensed Sydney
stopping Susan when she would have intervened.
"He didn’t." Jarod contradicted me with
infinite tenderness. "He wanted to destroy you and he’s failed. He wanted
me to lose you, but I haven’t---have I?"
His voice became plaintive on the last two words,
his worry leeching through. I finally allowed myself to look at him; to see
him.
"But I’m----. He---"
"I don’t care." Jarod assured me, tears
filling his eyes but not falling. "We’ll do whatever you want to about it.
All I care is that you’re safe. He’ll never hurt you again. I just wish it
hadn’t taken me so long---"
His voice caught in his throat and the tears spilled
over.
"Annie, I’m so sorry! I’m sorry I didn’t get
here earlier; save you from him right away. Can you ever forgive me?"
A frown of confusion pulled my brows together.
"If you had come earlier he would have hurt you
too---probably killed you." I signed finally, trying hard to remember how
to communicate my thoughts in a sensible fashion. "And you were hurt too,
in a coma for a while. There wasn’t anything you could have done."
"I should have been here." He insisted
stubbornly.
Now it was my turn to turn his face to mine,
although I had to release it for my response.
"There is nothing to forgive, Jarod." I
told him, willing him to understand and believe. "But if you need to feel
forgiven, then I do forgive you. I know you did everything you could as fast as
you could."
The renewed hope on his face almost hurt.
"Then you don’t---hate me?" he whispered,
obviously forcing the words through the lump in his throat.
"I love you." I signed simply.
"But----"
I dodged his embrace and added that qualifier,
steeling myself against the hurt in his expression.
"But I’m not the woman you knew." I
continued, when he subsided, looking at me with confusion and pain. "I
never really was and now it’s worse. I’m not sure who I am anymore and I don’t
want you to feel obligated to me. I’m going to have the child---even though it’s
his I can’t bring myself to kill it. It’s not the baby’s fault it’s
father was a lunatic."
"Anne---." He started and his voice broke
with emotion. "Anne, if you want to have this child it’s, fine with me. If
you want to raise it, I’ll love it like I do Deirdre and the boys. If you need
the next hundred years to recover from what he did to you, I’ll wait
cheerfully. All I need to know is that you still love me. Nothing will change
my love for you."
"Jarod, there isn’t just "Anne"
involved here. There’s the part of us that survived Lyle, and the part that
kept thinking and analyzing while the rest of us were hiding under our beds.
There’s more than one person inside of me. You might not like them all---they
won’t all love you like I do.
"Do you understand? It’s going to be a long
time before I’m anything close to normal---if I ever am. I’m not even convinced
that I can recover from all of this. Sometimes I just want to end it
all—"
I patted Jarod’s arm reassuringly at his look of
horror.
"They don’t agree with me." I
assured him, knowing my expression was wry. "And I know one that never
will. The point I’m trying to make is that this is going to be long, and hard,
and you would do better to forget me and find someone worthier of you."
A short bark of harsh laughter erupted from Jarod.
"Worthier?" He exclaimed in
disbelief. "Anne, you know I’m not a paragon of virtue. If anyone should
be looking for someone "worthier" it should be you. There isn’t
anything you could tell me that would make me any less willing to wait for you,
to be here for you.
"Sweetheart, I don’t care if there’s an entire
legion in your head, I’ll love them all." He went on earnestly. "But
without you, I have nothing left to fight for. You changed my life; made me a
better person; I won’t leave unless you ask me to."
The Anne part of us took a step closer to him before
the others realized it. Tears filled our eyes as we allowed her to take that
second step and then the third. When Jarod’s arms closed gently around us,
obviously trying not to press on our injuries, the tears began to fall, wetting
his shirt. We didn’t even sense the others leaving as harsh sobs wracked our
too-thin body. Our universe began and ended in that loving embrace, in his
soothing murmurs and assurances of everlasting love.