Shaddyr's Eclectic Collection > Buffy Fanfiction > And So It Goes

And So It Goes
by Alane Sue

Rating: G
Spoilers: Through Season 5 and then AU beyond that
Summary: Spike has some words with Buffy more than five years after the events of "The Gift."
Disclaimer: The usual. Mutant Enemy, etc. Not mine.
Dedication: To Clairel. I hope it was worth the wait.

 

"And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose"

It had been a long time since Spike had talked to Buffy. Too long. He kept meaning to visit. But the longer he waited, the harder it had become to take that first step.

Still, he decided that he should do it tonight, the evening of Valentine's Day. Dressed in a casual gray sweater that tightly hugged his body, along with even tighter black jeans, he laid down a bouquet of red roses on the ground beside him.

"Hello, Buffy."

The moonlight reflected through the trees of the woods onto the headstone of Buffy Summers. Now dead more than five years.

"Have you been wondering about me?"

Spike smiled as he looked at her name. Wherever she was now, he didn't figure he was at the top of her worry list. Still, he enjoyed teasing her. Even after all these years.

"Didn't think so. Guess you're wondering what I'm doing here. Got to thinking today that Dawn's about the same age now that you were. Then."

The vampire's hand began to shake a bit. He got out a cigarette out of the pack from his right rear jeans' pocket.

"You don't mind, do you?"

After he lighted it, he put the cigarette to his lips and inhaled deeply. He started to pace.

"Dawn. Guess you'd be wanting a progress report there. Well, she was a handful at first. Rebellious. Had some problems at school. Plus, she and the Wiccans lost the house a few months after you were gone. Sodding bank foreclosed on it."

Spike looked down at the grave and waved his hand.

"Don't be worrying. They found a nice apartment. All took part-time jobs. Your father sent some money out of guilt. Dawn grew out of the sassy and into a right fine young woman. She's at university now. Getting good marks, I'm happy to report."

He kneeled down at the grave and his voice grew soft.

"I want you to know, Buffy, that I kept my promise. To protect her. Wasn't just me, though. Everyone chipped in. We gave her that normal life that you wanted but never got."

Spike stood back up.

"Let's see. What else? Oh, Giles went back to the Mother Country after that first summer. Couldn't blame him. The pain was too much. Not being able to save you and all. He's working for the bloody Watcher's Council again."

He shrugged and a slight smile crossed his face.

"You know Rupes. He has to believe in a better world. Guess he figures the Watchers is the best way to go after it."

He took another drag on his cigarette.

"Oh, yeah, getting back to the 'Bit. When she turned 16, we had 'the talk' with her -- me, Willow and Tara. My vote was lock her in a convent. But the women wouldn't hear of that. Then, when the time came later, Tara -- she was like a second Mum to her -- took her to the doctor to get her pills. So she'd be all responsible-like."

Spike looked at the headstone and waved a hand.

"Now don't be giving me the evil eye, Slayer. Seem to recall you were but 17 when you got together with a certain broody Poofter. Dawn -- she's headstrong. Like Big Sis. She thought it was 'love.' She always thinks it's 'love.' Not that any of those blokes she's been with have been half enough good for her."

His voice trailed off as he threw down the cigarette butt and crushed it with the heel of his Doc Marten boot.

"Getting back to my story. The Wiccans are instructors at university. Red teaches drama -- does some community theater, too -- and Tara is into philosophy. And don't laugh, but they even talked yours truly into taking a few subjects. Night classes, of course."

Spike knelt down and started randomly picking at weeds that were growing on top of the plot.

"Suppose you know that a few months after that night on the tower, Red got the bright idea to try to bring you back. I wasn't in on it. But the way that I heard the story, some wild demon bikers interrupted the ceremony. Wouldn't have worked right anyhow. We know that. Certain thing about life and death can't be fiddled with. Too many consequences.

"Afterward, Willow took it real hard. Didn't want to admit she'd failed. Didn't want to face it that you were gone. She came around, though. Realized magic and all that -- it couldn't produce miracles. She had to face her problems on her own. We all do."

He stood up and ran his fingers through his now light-brown curly hair.

"What else? Oh, Harris and his ex-demon girl. Married some years back. Had a boy whelp of their own last summer. All she did was fuss over the baby books -- that is when she wasn't fretting over the high expenses of raising a baby. Harris looked like he was going to explode from the fright of it all. Right funny those two were.

"I'm living in the basement of the Magic Shop. Fixed it into a real posh flat. Work there, too, to keep me in cigarettes and blood. I still nick things from the store -- Big Bad has to stay in practice, you know. Course Anya knows the inventory down to the last burpa weed. And I have to pay it back by putting in extra hours."

Spike smiled. He clearly enjoyed the game he played with the ex-vengeance demon.

"Oh, you'll appreciate the great irony of this. Last summer, me and Harris were at the dog races. He made a sucker's bet. I gave him a rap alongside the head and guess what? No pain. Yeah, somewhere along the line, the bloody chip stopped working, and I didn't even know it. I am deeply ashamed.

"Now, don't be gripping any wood and looking at my heart. Spike's a housebroken dog now. Haven't touched a soul since I found out."

He sucked in an unneeded gulp of air.

"Be lying if I said I wasn't tempted. Many times. Many ways. When you're a vampire, nothing can take the place of fresh human blood.

"Then, I think 'bout the look in Dawn's eyes. The sad and disappointed way she'd stare at me. How I'd lose my mates. How I'd lose everything I cared about now -- for a meal.

He lighted another cigarette, took a long drag and tried to explain further.

"When I became a vampire, thought it was the best thing that ever happened to me. It gave me power and control. Took a long time to suss it out, but I finally got it that power is sweeter when you are keeping control of it instead of letting it control you.

"Besides, I want glory and a good fight, and can't see how waiting in a dark alley for some defenseless lady to come along to eat can give me that."

He took a couple more puffs on the cigarette and then dropped the butt to the ground and shrugged.

"So I patrol -- take turns with the Scoobs so they won't be out alone -- and keep Sunnyhell safe from other buggers like me."

He looked over at the bouquet of roses. He stooped down to pick them up and then looked at the grave.

"Probably wondering who these are for."

Spike's head dropped down and he looked a bit hesitant to say anything.

"Been seeing a lady. Her name is Randi. Real nice. Friend of Anya. Part demon on her grandmother's side. She understands."

He looked back at the grave and summoned a bit of the old swagger.

"Slayer, I always wondered. If you'd have stayed here. Think you and me ever would have gotten to do our dance? You know you wanted to."

He gave the grave marker a sly, sexy smile and a wink. Then, snapped out of it.

"Yeah, I can see you rolling your eyes now. 'Never in a million years Spike,' you'd spit out at me and then prance away in a huff.

"It's all right, you know. That you never loved me. You gave more then enough. There at the end, you treated me decent -- when I didn't deserve it. And trusting me enough to take care of the 'Bit, it meant everything, and it changed everything."

His voice started to break, so he reached into the bouquet as a way to change the subject. He held out a single white rose toward the grave.

"I brought this for you. For today."

Spike ran his thumb along a thorn on the stem until it brought blood. Then, he dripped it onto the petals of the flower and laid it on the grave. He stood for a few moments in silence, lightly touched Buffy's name on the marker and stared at the blood-covered rose.

"Guess I better be going now."

He started to turn and then looked back at the plot.

"For a long time, I blamed myself. For what happened that night. I kept thinking that if I'd just been a little quicker, a little more clever, I could have saved you.

"But Buffy, you weren't happy here, were you? Being the Slayer was dragging you down. Day by day. Seen it happen before. One girl -- no matter how strong -- can't carry that weight all by herself.

"I would have helped you with that. Believe me. But it wasn't my place. I wasn't good enough."

With the back of his hand, he wiped at a tear forming in the corner of his eye.

"Right then. Guess everything turned out the way it was supposed to, didn't it? Wherever you are now -- I hope you found the peace you craved, but never had here."

And with that, he walked out of the woods and into the rest of his life.

 

*Lyrics from "And So It Goes" by Billy Joel, (c)1983.
--
Alane
http://www.bloodyawfulpoet.com
We believe that Spike's humanity will one day become dominant
over his demon soul in the same way that some people's
inhumanity is dominant over their human soul.