step four:  sorting through the rubble

Jarod eased his way across the green of the cemetery, the crutches that supported him pushing dangerously deep into soft dirt beneath the grass.  It was still difficult to walk, and if his doctors had had anything to do with it, he would have still been lying in a hospital room with his leg wrapped and immobilized.  However, thirty years of captivity had left him with a serious aversion to enforced confinement.  Promising rather unconvincingly to take it easy, he had left the hospital and a rather irate orthopedist.

He could see two figures in the distance, still there when he finally made his slow arrival.  Angelo sat upon the ground, weaving a chain of flowers most probably innocently stolen from nearby gravesites.  He looked up from his work and smiled.

“I’m surprised that you made it here.”  Sydney gave an appraising look to the crutches and the obvious pain that flitted across his protégé’s features whenever he moved.  “You look as if you should still be in hospital.”

“That’s what they all say.”  Jarod found a nearby tombstone and leaned against it.  “I wanted to come and pay my last respects.”

The psychologist bent and ran his fingers across the letters engraved into the marble.  “I, too, wanted to say my farewells.  I thought that Catherine would like to know that Angelo is coming with me, that at last he will be in the loving environment that he deserves.”

“You’re going to live with Michele?”

Sydney smiled.  “Yes, if she will have me.  I’m at the point where I must begin to make up for lost time, and for my mistakes.  The Centre no longer has a need for my expertise or myself, now that the government has taken over.  I have spoken to Michele, and there is a school for gifted children near her home. Perhaps they will have a place for me to atone for my sins there.”

“And Angelo?”

Sydney looked over at him with affection.  “Angelo will live with us.  I have a feeling that he will be teaching me as much as I educate any child that I may come in contact with.”

They both looked off to the trees nearby as the carefree ripple of a child’s laughter floated toward them.  Sydney eyes twinkled.  “I don’t need an empath to read your mind.  You’ll be pleased to know that Angela called me today from Europe, with the boy.

“Right now she is not sure where they will be making their home, but the information and the documentation that you gave them will be put to good use.  No one will be able to find them for a very long time, not the scattered remains of the Triumvirate hierarchy, nor the government agencies that have taken over the Centre.  We all agreed that the kind of power that comes with the Centre’s knowledge has the ability to warp even the highest of principles.  It has happened before, it could again, but they will not be using that particular little Pretender for any of their plans.”

Jarod tried to sound nonchalant, while inside his heart was nearly singing.  The liberation of the little boy had meant more to him than to anyone else.  He still felt a twinge of guilt for putting the tyke through the myriad tests that had come with the original diagnosis that he had fabricated, but even now, he knew that the final outcome, Angela’s knowledge of her paternity, and Lyle’s discovery of his death sentence, had been worth it.  “Which of the names did she decide to use for him?”  

Angelo looked up again, his head tilted sideways in his peculiar manner, his eyes bright.  “Timmy!  Baby boy is Timmy, now.  Timmy will be free.”

Sidney smiled once more.  “The situation was forced upon her, but I think that motherhood will be a very good thing for Angela.  She has an incredible capacity for love, and the child has a great need for someone to give it to him.  And no one could ask for a better protector.  I think that they will be happy, wherever they end, as long as they are together.”

There was a moment of silence, punctuated only the sound of the gentle breeze soughing through the nearby pines.  “What about you, Jarod?  Your kind of anger is difficult to maintain.  What will you do now that the Centre is gone?”

“You mean what will I do now that I have ruined a number of lives, don’t you, Sydney?”

The doctor was silent.

“I did what I had to do, Sydney.  No one ever asked me when they destroyed my life, I figured that I was only returning the favor.”

“And you are still angry.”

It was Jarod’s turn for silence.  Finally, he sighed.  “You’re right, that kind of rage rots the soul, it takes too much energy to keep up, and I don’t have that right now. I’ve done what I set out to accomplish: I’ve finished the Centre so that no other children will have to go through the kind of hell that I did, I’ve opened the former Miss Parker’s eyes to the reality of the world, I’ve taken away Mr. Parker’s family just as he took away mine, and I’ve dished out my last dose of retribution on Lyle.  I don’t need the anger any more, and it’s slowly dying out.”  He laughed bitterly.  “After all these months of its companionship, I may actually miss it.”

“There are many things to replace it with.  Miss Parker, I mean, Angela, is learning that.  Mr. Broots has a fine example for her and a good friend, and now, with the child…”

“I know, I know.”  Jarod heaved himself off the tombstone and settled the crutches back under his arms.  “I’m meeting with my father and Emily in Tucson this week, and we’re going to find my mother.  He’s fairly sure that he has tracked her down in a little vineyard town in the north of California.  It will be good to be with my family again, it’s been so very long.”

Sydney smiled.  “I’m very happy for you, Jarod.  I hope that your reunion is everything that you ever hoped for.”

“It could have been, Sydney, if only…” He walked slowly over to the headstone near his mentor, and he, too, ran his fingertips over the cool smooth marble.  His head bent and a shudder passed through his body before he looked up again.  “Do you think that they can hear us, Syd?  Do you think that they know how we feel?”

“I have to believe that somehow, they do.”  The doctor looked up into the blue sky.  “I don’t know where they are, but a spirit that loved so deeply and sacrificed so readily for those whom they cared for cannot simply cease to exist, it is not logical.  Catherine had faith, I have to have it too.”

Jarod’s gaze wandered out among the rows of marble monuments and crosses, his mind’s eye traveling to another graveyard, another place of memory and sacrifice.  He wondered if he would ever have that kind of faith.

Angelo stood, grinning in self-satisfaction.  With reverent precision he draped the headstone with the colorful floral wreath, positioning it like a shawl over the marble.  “Work is done now, Catherine,” he whispered just loudly enough to be heard.  “Angels are safe now.  Angels…go home.”

Jarod pulled himself up the stairs of the trailer, the cane he carried useless on the corrugated metal steps.  He silently cursed the leg that was taking too long to heal; compound fracture or not, he thought that he had been healthy enough that it should be bearing his weight by now.  But every time he stepped forward without the counter-balance of the cane it reminded him in no uncertain terms that it would not, usually by sending him crashing into the nearest hard object.  Now, on an unusually warm and sticky fall day, the effort forced sweat to break out on his brow.

Entering the construction site, he had been amazed at the progress that had been made on the museum that he had designed, what seemed like a lifetime ago.  As men scrambled around, sweating in the unexpected humidity, the curves and heights of the building were already taking shape, a cool contrast to the construction workers, trucks, and equipment that built them.  Jarod picked his way carefully around the perimeter, seeing between the cranes and cement mixers the various design elements that would make this thoroughly modern building fit into the antebellum neighborhood that surrounded it.

 His architect’s mind deconstructed the design, and that in itself was odd.  He had the feeling that he was looking at a completely different individual’s work, something that he had read about in a magazine and come to see.  He shook his head.  This was his design, he knew it, but the person who had created the museum of marble and light was so drastically different than the man who was standing here before its rising walls that he found it impossible to equate the two.

Even when a workman had come over and asked, nicely but firmly, if he could be helped, Jarod had found it difficult to say “I’m the architect.”  The words were foreign, feeling more like an outright lie than the pretend that it once had been.  The worker had accepted it, however, and motioned him toward the foreman’s trailer to get the required hard hat.  Perhaps it was the cane that garnered the sympathy, or offered an explanation why he was not better known around the site.  Nonetheless, Jarod had heeded his advice and hobbled across the recently rain-soaked Georgia clay.

He knocked tentatively on the door and receiving no answer, opened it up.  A large man sat at a desk just inside, his shoulder cradling a phone while he wrote on a well-used legal pad.  One hand came up in a combination “hello” and “I’ll be right with you, stay there.”  Jarod waited.

“…I know, that’s what I said to them, but they don’t care.  It’s Tuesday or never, and the truck is already on the way.  Yeah, yeah, well, we’re going to have to find some storage then.  Okay, you do it, I’ve got enough on my hands.  Okay, yeah, I’ll talk to Perry about it.  Sure, sure thing.  Yeah, okay, bye.”  The man hung up the phone and jotted a last few notes.

“Sorry about the wait, but scheduling fifty different venders can be a bitch.”  The man stood and Jarod could see the strong arms that had done more than man phones and schedule deliveries for the last twenty years.  “Marcus Coleman, I’m foreman here.  What can I help y’all with?”

Once again, Jarod choked on the words.   “I came to, I mean, I wanted to see how things are going.  I – I designed this place.”

The other man’s broad dark face split into a grin.  “So you must be Mr. Johnson.  A pleasure to meet ya.”  He extended his hand and pumped Jarod’s aggressively.  “I was wondering if you were ever going to stop by, but,” he looked down at Jarod’s leg, “it looks like you’ve had a good reason to stay away.  Come on in, have a seat.”

“Actually, “ Jarod broke in as the man was clearing off a nearby chair, “I just came in for a hard hat.  I wanted to take a walk around the site, but then I need to be going.”

“You can do that if you like, but you really should let Perry take you around, if you want the whole tour.”  Coleman grabbed one of the hard hats hanging on pegs near the door.  “I’ve got to see what the problem is with a cement mixer, but Perry should be back soon.  If you’d like, you can wait over there,” he nodded his head toward a well-worn sofa situated in front of a desk that was piled high with papers and plans.

Jarod returned the foreman’s friendly smile.  “Alright, I’ll do that.  I’d like ‘the whole tour.’”

Sliding past him as Jarod moved toward the couch, the foreman clapped the hard hat on and headed out the door, promising to “send Perry along.”  With the door of the trailer closed once again, the noises from the construction site were muted and Jarod took a moment to look around, not trusting his ability to easily rise from the sinking couch once ensconced within.  

One entire wall of the trailer was filled with sketches of the museum that Jarod was sure had been printed from the “cyber-tour” program he had put together for the benefit of Arthur and his prospective clients.  Looking at the pictures, he could remember the joy that he had felt as he had created this monument, this work of art for artwork.  The memories, however, were as distant as they had been when he first arrived, the emotions of a man that he had come across in some book.  He sighed inwardly.  One of his greatest achievements, and now it meant nothing to him.

The exterior door opened with a creak as he was perusing one of the sketches, trying to remember whether the raised dais in the middle of the courtyard was his idea or not.  Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a form in jeans, work boots and a dark blue tank top remove a battered hard hat and hang it on the hooks.  The figure ruffled both hands through short blond hair aggressively, causing it to stand almost on end with accumulated perspiration.

Looking over at the newcomer, Jarod was surprised to realize that it was a woman.  Her tanned back still to him, she reached into a refrigerator near the foreman’s desk.  “Marcus told me somebody wanted a tour,” she started as she reached for a can of soda and turned around, her hand extended with the drink.  “I don’t supposed he offered you anything to-“

The words stopped in mid sentence.  For a moment, her body swayed with the heartbeat that suddenly thundered in her ears.  The can slipped from her fingers and fell to the floor.

Jarod’s eyes followed the bright red can as it rolled across the floor.  The sound of her voice had warned him, registering deep within his psyche that the potentially disastrous was about to occur.  It had happened to him before – he had heard a word, caught a glimpse of a head, a look from a stranger, and it had all come tumbling back in on him; the memories, good, bad and horrific, avalanching down on him, triggered by the slightest similarity.  He had found a way to cope with it, had to find a way, lest he fall into the same well that he had succumbed to for so long.  With a mental shake of his head to clear his mind, he slowly looked up.

Her eyes.  They were there, grey and beautiful beneath that incongruous shock of yellow hair.  It’s happening again, he told himself, just a little worse this time.  The similarity was incredible, but just a coincidence, he repeated, struggling to push back the hysteria mounting inside him.  The eyes so familiar, but not hers, he screamed inwardly, watching those same eyes fill with tears, hearing her breath catch in her throat.  

The battle broke upon his face, his lips curled back to reveal teeth clenched in pain.  Still, he could not look away, could not tear himself from the eyes that could not be hers!

“Oh, my God. Jarod.”

He breathed in shallowly, hyperventilating, while his expression flashed between fear and disbelief.  The analytical part of his mind told him that if he continued breathing this way he would soon black out, but even that sounded like a reasonable alternative to this deranged scenario.  He stumbled backwards, the cane tripping along the tile, useless until he was forced to lean on it to regain his balance.  

His own eyes were wide in a disbelief akin to horror.  “They told me that you were dead!”

Hannah wiped the tears that had cascaded down one cheek, fighting the urge to run over to him, but the look on his face warned her back.  Her voice caught once again in her chest and when she finally forced out the words, they were barely above a whisper.  “I was.  For three and a half minutes.  They brought me back.”

Jarod found the edge of the desk and leaned on it.  He blinked slowly, letting the import of her words sink in.  “Caitlin?”

Hannah moved toward the desk, only to see him shy away from her, as if she was some kind of terrible spectre, a frightening ghost.  Reaching across to the other side, she retrieved a small picture in a gold frame.  A note of desperation crept into her voice as she held it out for him.  “She was hurt, really hurt - they thought that she might not make it.  She lost part of her liver – they had to operate and for a while it was touch and go.  But now, now she’s fine, really, she’s – she’s great.  It was her birthday last month.”

Jarod tentatively took the frame and gazed at the picture of the happy child.  Like her mother, the little girl’s long brown hair was now cut short, but that could not disguise the pixie features that had unabashedly invited him to dinner a lifetime ago.  A tear spilled off of his face and splashed onto the glass; he wiped it off reverently.

There was a pause, a question that both of them knew hung between them.  Closing his eyes, he steeled himself.  “What about the baby?”

The pained exhalation that erupted from her was all he needed to hear.  He grasped his head with his hand, digging the heel of it into his eye as if it could stop the tears from their course.

Hannah leaned back against a nearby wall, wrapping her arms around herself.  The distance between them, between her and Jarod, her husband, hurt as much as the memories of the miscarriage she was forced to relive.  She willed herself on.  “I was, um, pretty messed up myself.“  She swallowed.  “Internal bleeding, they said.  My blood pressure went down so far and then my heart stopped, and,“ her voice cracked, “and when they brought me back, there wasn’t anything that they could do for him.”  She bit her lip, trying to hold back the torrent, but it was no use.  “I’m sorry, Jarod,” she sobbed.  “Oh, God, I’m so sorry.”

Old emotions tore at Jarod’s heart, begging him to take the sobbing woman into his arms, but the newer feelings of betrayal and loss forced him back, pushed him away from the one he saw as the cause of it all.  Edging away from the desk, he hobbled over to the couch and sat down heavily, the weight of his body almost too much to bear.  He leaned forward and put his head into his hands again.

“I’m sorry, Jarod,” she repeated.  “I thought that it would be best for you, that you would be safer if you weren’t worrying about us.  I didn’t want to be used as bait again.”  He looked up, and she nodded.  “Yes, I know all about it, I know that we were forced off the road to try to bring you running back to the Centre. I couldn’t let you do that!”

“It was MY decision to make!”  The ferocity of Jarod’s anger surprised both of them.  “Just when the hell were you going to tell me, Hannah?  Or for that matter, if all this hadn’t happened, if I hadn’t just spent the last six months insane over losing the only family I had left, just when the hell were you going to tell me that you were carrying my son?”

Hannah slid her back down the wall until she was sitting on the floor.  “I was trying to protect you.  It was the only way that I knew how.”

“I can protect my goddamned self!”

“You can?”  Hannah’s voice was starting to rise in response.  “If you can protect yourself so well, Jarod, what’s with the cane? Huh?  You told me what kind of people they were, you warned me about the Centre.  You could protect yourself, but you couldn’t protect us!”  She hated the words as they spilled from her mouth, hated to hurt him further, but the fear and pain and anger that she had been living through for the past nine months could not be halted midway.  “And don’t you ever think that because you didn’t know about your son, that your pain is any more than my own.  He was my child, too, Jarod,” she cried through clenched teeth.  “He was part of me, the only part of you that I had left, and I lost him!”

 There was a long silence between them, punctuated only by the occasional convulsive breath in the aftermath of her sobs.  Hannah rubbed her face and looked up at the ceiling, her voice resigned, exhausted.  “I had lost one child already.  I had to do whatever I could to save my other child, and you.  Arthur knew the doctor, knew a judge, he knew everybody.  He had us moved to a private hospital, had the records sealed, our deaths recorded and then he went ahead with the funeral.  We had no time and we were desperate, Jarod.  It was the only thing that we could think of.”

The silence remained, stretching into minutes.  Outside, the sounds of the construction continued, completely oblivious to the drama contained within the trailer walls.

Hannah twisted the ring on her left hand.  “This wasn’t exactly the way I envisioned this.”

“What?”

“This,” she threw her hands in the air and gave a sardonic little laugh.  “This reunion.”

Jarod watched her from across the room as she went back to twisting the ring.  He had to agree.  The few times that he had allowed himself the fantasy of seeing her again, it had been a more joyful affair.

His voice was solemn.  “You still wear it.”

“I never took it-“ she stopped suddenly as her own gaze went to his left hand, bereft of the ring that she had placed on his little finger the night of their wedding.  She shook her head and dropped her eyes again, fighting back more tears.

Jarod reached into the coin pocket of his jeans and removed a small gold circlet.  He contemplated it.  “I wore it everyday, too, as a remembrance.  But as time went on, it took on a new meaning.”  The anger in his voice returned.  “Revenge.  I wore it until I took vengeance on the people who had attacked you, the ones who had imprisoned me, used and abused me for all those years and still weren’t satisfied enough to leave me alone, to leave my family alone.  I wore it until everyone of the bastards had paid and paid, until their lives were the same living hell that they had put me through.”

Hannah eyes were now the ones that held fear.  This was a side of Jarod, of her husband, that she had never seen before.  Even though she had known him for only a short time, she never had guessed that this vindictive, ruthless man lurked beneath the one she had loved so dearly.  “You’ve changed.”

His head fell once again, and the words were nearly imperceptible.  “Maybe you never knew me.”

There was another uncomfortable silence.  Finally, Hannah could stand it no longer.  “Where have you been?  Are you…” she stumbled over the right word, “free?”

“I’ve been to Hell.”  From his intonation, she could tell that he was being specific, he had been through the damning fires.  But then he gave a self-mocking snort.  “I’ve been to Hell and a dairy farm, not to confuse the two.  And yes,” he looked up at her, his expression slightly less serious. “I am ‘free,’ as you put it.  The Centre doesn’t control me, and they aren’t after me any more, I’ve seen to that.  I’ve found both my parents, my sister, my whole family. I spent the last few weeks with them while I was recovering.  It was – it was nice.”

The words sank into Hannah’s subconscious, igniting a firestorm of thoughts.  Jarod was free.  On one side, she was giddily happy that he had finally found the family that he had been searching for since his escape, happy for the man to whom family had meant so much.  On the other side, she was jealous of the relationship that he would have with them, something that she was seeing, more and more clearly, that she would never have again.  He was so different, so strange, that she wondered if she had ever really known him.  Yet how could she have fallen in love with him unless another part of him actually existed somewhere, now hidden.  She desperately wanted to do something, to say something to try to bring that secretive self out again, but at the same time, she wondered if she ever could.  Had his experiences in the last few months forever changed him?  Had her own deception, the lies that she and others had been forced to tell to save Caitlin’s life, and her own, forever broken the bond between them?  

He had never been one to forgive quickly – it was both a strength and a weakness.  That invariable sense of right and wrong had been what had kept him going when it would have been so much easier to simply hide away from the Centre, but his sense of justice had prevailed upon him to right the wrongs, to undo some of the things that he had been forced to do as a captive.

He would find it so terribly hard to forgive her for what she had done.  She knew so, had known it from the moment she had decided to make her deception, but at the same time she had hoped that perhaps – no, it wouldn’t happen. Time to face facts.  He was different. Not only that, but now he had his real family, the people who had loved him for his entire life. As much as she loved the man whom she had married that wintry night months before, she could no more hold this man to that vow than she could cage a wild animal.  What was that sappy saying – if you love something, set it free?  A saccharin platitude for high-schoolers most of the time, but on this occasion, it might just hold some truth, although she had no illusions about him “coming back to her.”

He was free from the Centre now, free to explore the kind of life that he should have had for the last thirty years.  He didn’t need a spur-of-the-moment wife and child.  If their baby had been born, she might have fought harder, might have tried to get past the hurt.  But watching Jarod now, seeing him still awash in bitterness, she refused to put him through anymore.  As much as it hurt her, she knew it was the right thing to do.

Jarod watched her as she sat against the wall, saw the expressions that passed across her face.  There was no doubt about it, when he had first spoken of his revenge upon the bastards at the Centre, she had been afraid.  Afraid of him.  It tore at his heart to see her look at him that way.  Only a few moments before he had been overwhelmed by the sight of her, the fact that she was alive!  Caitlin, too, the two holes in his heart that had been bleeding for so very long.  The idea was almost impossible to grasp.

He had tried to use all of his pretender skills to put himself in her position, to understand, but it was impossible.  He had no idea how her life had been since she and Caitlin had been forced into hiding, only that his own pain had been so great.   While he had been struggling with the knowledge – trying to reconcile his life with hers, his feelings with her fears – he had lashed out at her instead of holding her as he had so desperately wanted to.  He had confronted her with his selfish thoughts when he should have been comforting her.  How could he have done that?  It was so incredibly stupid, so heartless.  So - dare he say it, even to himself? - so cruel.

Now there was such a distance between them he wondered if it could ever be crossed.  Yes, he was a different person, he knew that.  He also knew that their relationship had happened so fast, so intensely.  Perhaps she really didn’t know him, know what he was capable of, and now the idea of it scared her.  Some days, it scared him.

She looked so sad.  At least he could assure her that she was safe from harm now; no one at the Centre would be looking for her to use her as lure to get him back.  He glanced around the trailer, seeing the vestiges of her new life here in Georgia.  There had been a smile on her face when she had first walked into the trailer, her skin was tanned and healthy looking, overall she appeared to be comfortable and happy here, without him.  Was it fair to throw her life into disarray once more?  After all the chaos that he had already caused her, could he do it to her again by making her honor an unexpected promise made on a hilltop in the snow?   He thought about the ring that he had worn for so many months, and the man who had first given it to Hannah, her first husband, Scott.  That was a marriage, he thought.  Two people who knew and trusted each other, willing to spend the rest of their lives together.  What could he offer her now but a man barely back from insanity, someone she hardly knew before and understood even less now? He loved her too much to do that to her.

Jarod rose painfully from the couch and walked across the room.  Giving the ring in his fingers one last look, he slowly reached his hand down toward Hannah.  “Here,” he offered.  “I can’t wear this anymore, to me it means…” He left the sentence open.  “Give it to Caitlin.  It was from her father and she deserves to have it.”

She reached up and took the ring from him, her face resolute.  This is it, she thought to herself, this is the deciding moment.  If I crack now, he won’t leave, he’ll stay here out of pity and be miserable for the rest of his life.  I can’t let that happen.  “Thank you,” she said out loud.  “I’ll make sure that she gets it.”

“You’re safe now, you know.  They won’t hurt you ever again.”

Hannah nodded silently, staring at the ring.

Jarod cleared his throat.  “I should go now.”  There, it was said.  He waited a moment but Hannah said nothing, made no protestation.  He started to move toward the exit.

Without warning, the door opened and the foreman, Marcus, thrust his head in.  He quickly surveyed the situation, confusion and mounting concern showing on his dark features.  He looked toward the woman still sitting on the floor.  “Hey, Perry, you all right?”

Hannah brushed at tear still trapped on her cheek with the back of her hand.  She looked over and tried to appear normal.  “Yeah, Marc, I’m fine, don’t worry.  Jarod just brought me some news, kinda shook me, ya know?”

The foreman nodded his head but reserved judgement.  “Yeah, well, some of the guys are waiting to meet the fella who designed this place.  Are you comin’ out or what?”

“I appreciate it, but I have to be going,” Jarod said.

The misgivings were clearly growing in Marcus’ mind.  “If you say so.  Perry, you, uh, want anything?”

“No, thanks Marcus.”  She proffered a smile.  “I’ll be out in a little bit.”

“Ok.”  The door closed with a bang, leaving the two alone again.

“I didn’t realize that you were the “Perry” that he had been talking about.”

Hannah laughed self-consciously.  “Yes, that’s me.  Perry, short for “Esperanza Lopez, Architectural Liaison,” or so the sign on my desk says.  I thought with a name like that, the Centre would never think that I was old Teutonic Hannah Braun.”

Jarod nodded.  Esperanza, very Latin sounding but pretty.  She had a valid point; names could be imbued with so much value, in theory giving someone a clue into another’s heritage, their gender and even their age.  She had learned more from him about staying out of sight than he imagined.  

He turned again toward the door, battling with himself whether to say something more or simply walk out.  But what else could he say?  Everything he thought of would only make things worse.

Esperanza.  Hope.  A beautiful name.

He stopped, one hand on the door handle, and turned around.  Hannah, now up from the floor, was reaching for a tissue on the desk.  She was not watching him.  “Why did you pick that name?” he asked suddenly.

“I told you.  It was so different from my name. I was trying to hide.”

“I know, that’s what you said.  But it means-“

“Hope.”  She cut him off before he could finish.  “It means ‘hope.’”

Jarod walked back toward her, a battle raging within him.  He silently cursed the painful weakness in his leg and the same weakness that he felt in his heart.  He should leave, go, let her get on with her life, let her be free, but a part of him clung to the tiny thread that he had found in her name.   His mind cast back to another time, another place, where all he had left had been the faintest glimmer of hope that he had seen in her eyes.  He had told her later just how much seeing that had meant to him.  Was it there once more?

He moved closer to her, inches away, but she refused to look at him, staring instead at some unseen spot on the wall.  Inwardly he cursed the vague empathic talent that left him with only the feeling of her confusion.  How he wished at the moment that he were Angelo, that he could somehow break through the silence and understand her.

Esperanza.  Hope.

Feelings fought another war across Hannah’s features. Fear and pain mingled and she closed her eyes to try to regain her resolve to let him go, to make him go.  He was so close, she could feel the heat of his body near her.

He had to see.

“Esperanza.”  Jarod spoke the name, the word, almost religiously.  With the side of his finger, he brushed away the last remnants of a tear on her cheek.  “Esperanza de mi corazón, mi solamente esperanza. Déjeme verlo otra vez.”

His touch on her face gave her a shiver, whether of fear or pleasure, she honestly couldn’t say at the time.  He was so very close to her, and the resolve that she had worked so hard to hold on to was threatening to crumble.  

Trust him to speak another language, probably several, she thought ironically to herself, but what had he said?  She had picked the Spanish name, not the knowledge.  Looking up at him, her eyes opened wide as if to search for the meaning of his beautiful, unknown words.  If she could only understand, she might know what to do.

Jarod looked into her grey eyes, holding her captive with his own. It was there!  A tiny flower of hope that could be nurtured and grown.  He had done it before; it was possible, if she would only let him.

Once again she steeled herself, turning away.  Her voice threatened to stick in her throat.  “You’ll have to come back for the opening.”

The crook of his finger caught her chin and gently raised her face so that she was looking at him once again.  His eyes were softer now, less searching and more resolved.  “Is that really what you want me to do?  To leave now and come back in nine months when the building is finished?”

Oh, no, she thought, don’t make me answer that.  “You have a whole lifetime to catch up on.  You should go and do that.”

 “You really don’t get it, do you?” A slow, sad smile crept across his features.  “I haven’t felt alive since the day that they told me that you and Caitlin were gone.  If you’re doing this for my sake, stop.  I can make my own decisions about what is right or wrong for me.”

“I know that, I’m just…” Hannah turned away again, tried to get away from him, to have space to think.  His presence, his touch, his expression; they were almost too much to overcome.

Jarod reached over and grabbed both of her shoulders before she could escape.  He gently but firmly positioned her in front of him.  “Tell me that you want me to leave, tell me that there is nothing left between us, and I’ll go.  Tell me that you want me out of your life, for your sake, and I will leave.”

“I – I can’t.”

The words seemed torn from her, but they were the most beautiful that Jarod had ever heard.  He dabbed again at the tears that rushed out onto her face and pulled her close to him, wrapping his arms around her as her body shook with emotion.  The sensation rushed over him like a warm breeze, the final embers of his anger bursting away from his soul.  Here it was at last, the undying love that he had desired for so long, the need that even his parents and family could not fulfill – his heart’s home.

The last angel was finally home.

 

 

 

Copyright 2001 by Liz Shelbourne.  All rights reserved.

 

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