My Weakness
I have a horrible habbit of letting anyone and everyone walk all over me. Well, maybe I can rephrase that a bit. If I am with someone, I let them walk all over me. If I am talking to them online and they want to hang out with me, and I don't want to hang out with them, then I can say no, because I feel more comfortable and open online. But if we are already on an "in person" outting, and they want to do something, I just follow their lead.

When someone upsets me, I never show them. When my feelings are hurt, I do not show them. When I have a huge lump in my throat and want to cry, I hide it back, and smile. Literally. I've had peers literally YELL at me, scolding me for doing something stupid. Stupid meaning, I didn't do something "STUPID" but the reason of the scolding is stupid. Because first of all, I don't think that peers who are SUPPOSED to be friends should not scold other peers/friends. I mean saying something like "Hey Nicole.. Honestly, you shouldn't do that..It could get you in trouble" for things like drugs or something (not that I do them) is okay. Because it's for their own health. But doing something else like say, taking a picture of myself with someone else's camera (not that I did that, i just looked over at my camera and thought of it) I mean, that's a pretty fun spontaneous thing.. Like doing that to someone who I kinda know, who wouldn't mind. But being scolded for that by a person who's supposed to be your friend? A 5 minute long lecture, along with name calling, and swear words, and a cold dark stare? Wouldn't that make anyone cry? Or am I just sensitive?

It's weird. I get so angry and so upset and just so full of rage and other bottled up emotions, yet I do nothing about it. People have hurt me so bad, and I do nothing. Some guy said to his friend "You know that Nicole girl? Yeah I'm going to fuck her. But shes so fucking ugly I'm going to need two paper bags. One to put over her head and another to throw up in afterward." First of all, I had no intention of doing anything with him. I actually trusted him a bit, as my friend, and so he was being nice to me all that time thinking he could get something like that out of me. So he tells his friend that, but his friend tells me that because I'm kind of his friend too. And I'm glad he told me so. Did I do anything about it? Well, I cried a bit and felt real dumb, but I cried in the privacy of my own home. If he did that in person, I wouldn't have done much of anything. But I didn't do anything to revenge that guy or tell him what I thought. I let it slip.

I'm weak, and I hate that about me. Another thing is that I am also shy. For those of you who think you know me pretty well would have to disagree with that, but I can assure you that I am shy, and not the normal shy, I am worse than that. I am the kind of shy who does not want to be shy, so I do everything in my power to open up, and whenever I do I always feel like a freaking idiot after. I am the kind of shy who walks around in a room full of people I don't know, and feel sick to my stomach, wanting to run to the bathroom and throw up. I am the kind of shy who loves meeting people but never has the nerves to do so. I am the kind of shy who never goes for the people I'm actually interested in because I know they will not be interested in me, so I "go for" the people who I don't like at all, in hopes they will like me. Why? I guess to boost my confidence. I know that sounds horribly wrong, but I guess it's true..I am human after all. That's probably a bad excuse too. Oh well.... I am the kind of shy who doesn't even like looking at people. I hate looking at people. I get sick when I do. Like people I don't really know, or don't know at all, or don't like, or something like that. At a dance, I don't look at any of the guys. I don't really look at any of the girls, but if I look at someone I look at the girls because I know that they aren't interested in me. I would never dare to look at someone who I was interested in. I mean I'd look at them if they had their back faced to me, because I'd know that they wouldn't see me looking at them..But never face to face... And I HATE that about me.

So what? I'm shy, I let everyone walk all over me, I'm a fool..What else is new? I'm also very sub conscious about myself in my surroundings. Fuck, even the way I WALK, I have to think about it. I don't want to look fat or stupid when I walk. I usually put my hands in the front, one hand over the other, I guess to hide my stomach or something, and I always have to suck in my stomach and walk tall, and I HATE having to think about the fucking way I walk EVERY SINGLE time I do so. Why do I do it? I'm stupid. I think people are looking at me, and I'm trying to attract them, and it NEVER works and yet I STILL do it.

I don't know why I do anything listed above that I do. I guess another weakness of mine would be that I am stupid and irrational. Yes, totally, great things anyone would be proud of.