A Visitor from Thebes
A Play Making Light of a Few Shakespearean Tragedies
Andy Boyd
Characters
Claudius, King of Denmark
Hamlet, Prince of Denmark
Macbeth
Brutus, a noble man
Romeo, a villian
Mercutio, a villian and fool
Iago, a villian
Othello, general of Cyprus
Juliet
Ophelia
Desdemona
Lady Macbeth
Emilia, unfortunate wife to Iago
Creon, a villian who has no place in a Shakespearean
tragedy but is here anyway.
Scene i: Castle Greyskull, Iago’s home. [Enter the Cast]
IAGO: Welcome friends into my meagre abode.
I hope you find your resting to be kind.
HAMLET: I think I enjoy this party, our most warm host.
MACBETH: I fear a plot.
IAGO: How now? We’re just begun! MACBETH: Pardons, then. I open up too early.
IAGO: Of course…How do my guests enjoy this course?
ALL: Ah, the food is great!
OPHELIA: I’ve had plenty, thanks.
MERCUTIO: Not says my dear Queen!
She calls for another round of the wine!
Mab, speak your voice, above for all to hear,
I think Iago needs to share the beer!
IAGO: Fie! My good Mercutio, have peace! I’ll do.
[aside] I see a Cassio to do tonight!
[to servants]Around again, and if they ask, again!
CLAUDIUS: These spirits can settle the soul for me.
HAMLET: My loving lord is right, and good to hear.
These spirits will settle your soul so near [exit]
CLAUDIUS: Where has he gone?
ROMEO: To kill a Capulet.
JULIET: Say you “to kill”?
ROMEO: I do, and bet he will.
MERCUTIO: A bet? I’ll go! How much?
ROMEO: Will I set up?
MERCUTIO: Yes, how much that this Capulet will die?
JULIET: This Capulet?!
ROMEO: Nay lady, but someone
Tonight will fall. Friend, I’ll go for two rounds
If this very night one can escape grounds.
CLAUDIUS: Who be this “Capulet”?
ROMEO: I shall forget. [exit]
CLAUDIUS: How now?! Someone better explain all this!
IAGO: Oh, ‘tis but a game afoot, my King. [knocking outside]
DESDEMONA: Someone’s at the door.
OTHELLO: Are you expecting?
DESDEMONA: Accurst are you of late to me, husband!
OTHELLO: With warrant, I would bet. Answer the door. [DESDEMONA opens it. Enter CREON, King of Thebes]
BRUTUS: Creon, King of Thebes? How do you come here?!
CREON: I’ve been ambushed by rogues from Verona, attacking at the fall of night. They crept up to my
caravan to assassinate me, I fear. A plague ‘a whoever’s house that villian is from! They felled
my horse and chased me through the woods. My guards fought until the end and I escaped
but they traded life for life. Only I escaped alive.
BRUTUS: We shall need to investigate matters.
MERCUTIO: What matters is passing around the ale!
IAGO: He calls. Around! [another round]
CREON: Strange folks. I’m in a most grave position and all he does is call for a round. What kind of meeting is this?
MERCUTIO: A parting for you, a party for us.
Away and let me have my drinks in peace!
HAMLET: How strange a guest…say you came here afoot?
CREON: I did. What of it?
HAMLET: No matter, king. I shall also forget. [exit]
CREON: What does that mean?
MERCUTIO: ‘Tis course of discourse. Naught can be divined.
Why think you, man, these verses ever rhymed? [laughs at CREON]
CREON: I’ve had a fill! [draws]
MERCUTIO: I’ve not yet had enough! Iago, again!
IAGO: Of course, my lord! Bring ‘round the wine to him.
MERCUTIO: I’m in your debt.
IAGO: I’ll put it on your tab.
CREON: I have a sword and a mind to kill you, fool!
MERCUTIO: (shocked) The rounds aren’t free? Oh my deer Queen, come now,
Out of your nutshell, talk to this good man!
Mab, you must persuade this man to make
His spirits free! ‘Pon my soul I knew not
I’d have to pay. Oh, I’m ruined! This ill!
Spirits not free, I cannot face the bill! [exit]
CREON: Come back here! I want to kill that knave!
CLAUDIUS: Do it! Spit him, he’ll roast, (aside) and I will not.
I fear this plot “afoot” does mark my head.
LADY MACBETH: Creon, sit down. Why are you up in arms?
CREON: The clown does my humor much offend.
LADY MACBETH: Have peace.
EMILIA: Yes, King, have peace.
IAGO: For shame,
Woman, leave that man alone! Go away!
EMILIA: Are you off in mind, Iago?
IAGO: No, I’m not.
‘Tis but a concern for you, my dear wife.
I know this man not, ne’er before have seen…
BRUTUS: ‘Tis likely so, my lady. He’s from Thebes.
LADY MACBETH: Then why is he here in Cyprus tonight?
CREON: I’ll speak. I had word from a good fellow from Verona that there was to be a gathering of kingly men here tonight, so I had in mind to join them to stake my claim. I—
BRUTUS: A claim?
CREON: --I’ll have this island.
OTHELLO: I do not speak Greek. You say you’ll have it? You’ll not! Before these kings I do proclaim it so!
I am the general of this province.
CREON: Still, I’ll have it.
OTHELLO: Your welcome has itself dissolved. Go to. (draws)
IAGO: Have peace, my lords! I’ll not have this tonight!
(aside) I would that they would.
(both sheathe swords)
‘Tis well again. Peace!
CREON: Yes…peace. Where are the Veronans? I had in mind to speak with them.
JULIET: Romeo? He went off, to I know not where.
The other, Mercutio, stumbled out drunk.
CREON: That knave is also from Verona?
JULIET: He is.
CREON: Peculiar… Romeo did not mention him.
IAGO: He must have forgotten. ‘Tis like all three…
MACBETH: I tire of this party. It long has died.
IAGO: Pray, stay a while. I’d bet it livens up.
CLAUDIUS: What of that other bet earlier made? It made me ponder some death here tonight.
IAGO: Did it?
CLAUDIS: It did.
IAGO: What fears have you, good king?
CLAUDIUS: Where went my nephew and those other men?
CREON: I saw some men on the g rounds preparing a plot.
CLAUDIUS: What say you?
CREON: When I came to the door, I saw two men preparing a plot.
MACBETH: Bewitching! My fears were real! I’ll stay on!
OTHELLO: I thought you were in a panic to flee
Some rogues who tried to waylay your approach?
CREON: Ah…I was winded…so I slowed to a walk as I approached this castle…
CLAUDIUS: Something is rotten…
CREON: Ah…well, I have made my argument. Othello, the island is for me. I’ll go now. See you again very soon, general. [exit]
BRUTUS: What of my good friend Creon? Something’s off.
CLAUDIUS: I’ll say! Iago, what is going on?
IAGO: I forget…excuse your host’s departure,
But I must away.
EMILIA: Where are you going?
IAGO: To take part in the bet. Mercutio
Can pay me with his spade. On to the plot! [exit]
OTHELLO: This is all too absurd. Our host has left— I’m leaving. Come, Desdemona, with me. [exit OTHELLO and DESDEMONA]
MACBETH: I’ll agree. Wife, let us take our leave. [exit MACBATH and LADY MACBETH]
EMILIA: Strange husband. I’ll retire for the evening.
Anon you may go to the guest bedrooms. [exit]
JULIET and OPHELIA: Goodnight. [exit, all but CLAUDIUS and BRUTUS]
CLAUDIUS: What is going on? You are honest, speak!
BRUTUS: I’m at a loss, but something is afoot.
I suspect my friend Creon has not told
The true matters of his visit tonight.
CLAUDIUS: How do you know him?
BRUTUS: He came up to Rome
To speak with Caesar a time long ago.
CLAUDIUS: I wonder at his late approach tonight
But more I think, the more does not seem right. [exit CLAUDIUS and BRUTUS]
Scene ii: In the garden. [enter ROMEO, HAMLET, MERCUTIO, and IAGO, all digging]
ROMEO: ‘Tis so grave to be working at such hours. IAGO: You make jest, but not so gravely as will Claudius!
HAMLET: Mercutio, why did you so feign as foe
To our co-conspirator King Creon?
MERCUTIO: My queen told me to.
ROMEO: Are you still insane
About your nutshell faerie?
MERCUTIO: I am quite!
IAGO: No matter. They were fooled enough to serve.
What’s that? Ah, quickly hide yourselves! I hear
Someone approach. [They all hide. Enter CREON]
CREON: Well, here’s the plot, where are the plotters? [They enter]
IAGO: How went things after I left? Well, I hope?
CREON: They did. I hid myself outside and watched them
As they all left.
HAMLET: Is Claudius alone?
CREON: No, Brutus went with him. But no matter. We can dig another hole if need be.
Is everyone ready?
ALL: Yes.
HAMLET: I’ll release the villian’s spirit. It’s for
You, my father, king!
IAGO: Hamlet, such a noble ground—revenge!
But I will do it for the thrill.
ROMEO: I bet.
MERCUTIO: As do I.
CREON: I want Cyprus! And hamlet, when you are king and remember
that I have helped you steal back your rightful throne, remember too that I want
Cyprus for my own.
HAMLET: I will.
IAGO: I hear them coming. Let us hide! [they lay in waiting]
[enter BRUTUS and CLAUDIUS]
CLAUDIUS: Such a strange night.
BRUTUS: Stranger than tomorrow, likely.
[enter conspirators into the dark]
HAMLET: Claudius, estrange you from tomorrow Will I with my blade! [stabs]
CLAUDIUS: Ah, I’m dispatched! [dies]
BRUTUS: What is this? Treachery!
CREON: Of the highest kind, my friend. I do it for the state! [stabs]
BRUTUS: [dies]
MERCUTIO: I’ll have you now, Claudius! [stabs, hits ROMEO]
ROMEO: Ah! What are you doing!
MERCUTIO: Not Claudius? Oh wretched spirits make me kill my friend!
ROMEO: Oh fool! Careless fool! Unhappy dagger! [dies]
IAGO: Fool! Look what you have done! We have not plots Enough to bury them all now! Let us flee!
HAMLET: No, we must bury these men. We’ll be caught.
MERCUTIO: Why stay? The bet is up. I have won it.
IAGO: So you think. [Stabs MERCUTIO. He dies.]
HAMLET: Why did you do that?
IAGO: Oh come,
Three men can keep a secret if two are
Dead.
CREON: There are still three of us.
IAGO: I know it. [stabs CREON]
CREON: What is this? I’m killed! [dies]
HAMLET: Well, if two must die to this secret keep,
It is for thee that I will feign to weep!
[stabs IAGO]
IAGO: Ah! My evil deeds see me to the last,
I live, I breathe, I bleed! Now I am past! [dies]
HAMLET: My plot askew I fear it is dooméd They’ll find these kings, for one I am to blame.
If this they they find, my crown I cannot claim.
I fear my fate: In grave I’ll soon be roomed.