Issue 3 - 17.09.01

Will’s Weekly – where quality gossip is on a plate in front of you quicker than being served by Matt on the checkouts at Homebase. – What a quality slogan. I can see everyone chanting that when Will’s Weekly gets published and copies run out at WHSmith.

 

Sorry that was a bit of a random start to Will’s Weekly, third edition, what you mean they all start randomly? Anyway will now resume the structured layout with:

Fact of the week

Those mornings when you leave the house, head down the road and see large numbers of elastic bands on the pavement and wonder what the hell are these doing here? Exactly, you are thinking the same as me, I wish the postman would stop bloody dropping these bands as they make the street look a real mess.

This morning I walked from my house, to One-Stop – that townie hang out post office on Albion Street where I am constantly asked to buy fags for small kids who could barely flob on my knee bone. Anyway….. I counted 35 elastic bands left by postmen!!!

 

Will’s Weekly teamed up with the RSPCA to bring readers these shocking facts on elastic bands, to gain these stats I had to go undercover – I went as a post box!

 

If all the elastic bands left by postmen across the UK were tied together they would stretch to the moon and back 3 times!!
50 dogs have died from eating elastic bands left on the floor, the most serious was a 10 year old Dalmatian called ‘Twang’ from Luton who was s-t-r-e-c-h-e-r-e-d to hospital but died later due to a rubber overdose.
Replacing these elastic bands costs ‘Royal Mail’ £3 billion pounds, enough money for everyone in the UK to send 40 letters first class, everyday for a year! Rah!
3 people have broken their legs after tripping over elastic bands, left on our country’s streets.
Shocking don’t you think?, anyone interested in launching a campaign against ‘Royal Mail’ should send me a ‘Smarties’ tube full of £1 coins. (That’s the ‘trendy’ way to raise money so I am told) why do you always raise money in Smarties tubes? Will.fuller@lineone.net

 

Will's Weekly Health Update

Shock horror, something new and original in Will’s Weekly!!

As many of you know I bite my nails big style, they look as rough as Matt in the morning and need urgent treatment. For the past week I have been using stop n grow. Which is a thing you paint on your nails to prevent you eating them as it tastes like rot, Anyway the results are amazing, however today I was shocked to read the ingredients and now refuse to use the product……. Enjoy

Directions

Use 2-3 times a day, consult your doctor if rash appears or if nails fall off.

Do not use if pregnant or if u like horrible tastes as it wont have the desired effect!! So anyone who Matt has cooked for, find a different brand!

 

Ingredients

Rat’s Urine                                                                        10%

Anne Widdicombe’s BO                                                  20%

Joshua Payne’s Bath Water                                            5%

Sweat from Richard Sharman’s bandana                     30% 

Sardine soup  - this does actually exist                         20%

Mr Brown (Biology Teacher’s) ear gunge                       5%

Liquid substance in my feet after V2001                       10%

 

Now would you even bloody dare to bite anything with that lot on??

 

Campaign Time

Will’s Weekly will now launch one of the greatest campaigns ever in the history of campaigns. This is big, this is exclusive and will surely shock the world of fashion – that’s if you can all it fashion.

 

Richard Sharman – A Cut above the rest or the biggest ‘flop’ of all time?

 

The hair must come off says Will’s Weekly. Please support my exclusive campaign by filling in the petition sheets and sending them to this address.

 

Richard Sharman Hair design and fashion

Mullet Cottage

24 ‘needs a cut’ close

Hairfordshire

CV3 CUT IT OFF

 

 

Name                          Address                    Signature

1

2

3

4

5

6

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8

 

Please photocopy this petition and give them to friends, relatives, pets and colleagues or anyone else who would take this piss out of him if they saw him.

 

Will’s Humour Always Raises A Smile

Well again there is a theme to this weeks stunner and due to the fact that ‘health’ is a key issue, that’s the genre of the joke

    This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.

    His wife said, "Where are you going ?"

    He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

    And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

    "No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

    So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

    She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

    He said, "Why?"

    She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot."

 

 

Final thought –

“ An event like this reminds us how important love is and despite many of us believing we are indestructible we aren’t. Life can be taken quickly and beauty can die young.”

‘The Independent’ Tuesday 11th September