Issue 4 - 24.09.01
Welcome
to the fourth Will’s Weekly, firstly some good news from last weeks petition.
Richard Sharman hasn’t cut the hair yet but due to readers huge demand is
considering having a snip in the near future. So well done for all those
Smarties tubes you filled.
Tesco
– around 340,000
Sainsburys
– around 500,000
Asda
– around 300,000
Any guesses what these
totally random stats relate to? The answer
- number of trolleys owned
by that company in the UK. I love riding in trolleys, when I’m sober or not
and I’m sure the older generation will back me up here but when we were
younger trolleys didn’t have those sit in things did they? I’m sure if you
were knackered your parents just wacked you in the trolley and you sat your arse
on oranges or whatever. Matt always talks about the days he had a cucumber up
his arse so I know he will back me up on this.
Anyway……… moving on,
I thought I would bring you some facts, well derrrrrrrrr that’s the title of
the article on trolleys, I am going bloody mad.
| Double
the figures above to reveal the exact number of trolleys made, half of these
trolleys are missing due to mindless vandals. |
| Nationally
- The most common places for abandoned stolen trolleys are |
Canals
and the towpaths
45% of stolen trolleys found there
Car
parks used by skaters
15%
University
flats/halls
30%
Coventry
- (Broad Lane)
2%
Tom
O’Hare’s garden, remember?
3%
Rubbish
tips
2%
Bleak
cold country lanes
3%
| Top
speed in shopping trolley was recorded at 40mph, however the driver was
seriously injured, Will’s Weekly cannot take responsibility for anyone
tosser who attempts this speed. |
| Most
people ever in one trolley 21, don’t ask how I have no idea |
| 18%
of married couples admit they have had sex in a shopping trolley, surely
that would absolutely ming? Ask your parents? |
| The
first trolley was designed by Mr Sho-ping Trolley, Polish born and that’s
how they got their name |
Becci Lilley for dissing
the Super Furys. Claiming they are not mainstream enough or some sort of waffle,
anyway Becci buy the new single its out at the beginning of October and is
called ‘Rings around the world’, you’ll love it!! J
Leeds University for making
my sister leave home again
The lady at one-stop who
accused me of steeling, she thought I had robbed food but it was actually a pen.
– not a stolen pen, my own! Honest!
UCAS for making such stupid
forms, I mean a bloody personal statement! “ I write for Will’s Weekly on my
mates website, it’s really fun and will help me in later life” Bollox still
echoing…….
Loz and Kat for not letting
me steel those bear outfits from GAP, I mean how boring.
Coventry City for making a
brave fight back.
Jack Daniels for being
there on Friday night when I needed a drink.
Trevor Brooking and Tim
Flowers who I got to interview, I mean that is like sooooooo cool.
MSN messenger a reliable
source of entertainment that works very hard to keep us all chatting.
Good old friends who
despite my annoyingness still seem to be nice to me.
Mads and Bex for giving me
their bean bag dogs…. Don’t ask if u don’t know.
While walking home the
other day minding my own business as usual some totally random woman stopped me
in the street and asked for my help. Now if this woman was alright looking I
would have jumped at the chance but she looked like the front of a tank. She
asked me if I wouldn’t mind helping her open her car door, she said it was
stuck or something.
I politely asked her if she
had unlocked it, as you know women and complex contraptions, to which she
replied and I quote you ‘ sod off then you cheeky bugger I will ask someone
else’. I tried to explain that I was sorry but as she looked like a tank she
may well have shot me.
If anyone knows who this
moody old sausage was could they let me know please. In the interest of public
safety!
It was funny at first but
then afterwards I realised that stupid humour lacking women need a good old slap
Ring my house and ask for
the neighbourhood watch co-ordinator.
I don’t know why I
decided to run with this joke, it did make me piss myself for a while and I
thought hey why not? Again this is a joke so please don’t try to copy anything
mentioned (In your best Davina McCall Accent) Enjoy
A man walks into a bar
with an alligator on a leash. Once he is in the bar he tells all the patrons
that are present that for a round of drinks from everyone in the bar he will
insert his penis into the alligator's mouth and remove it unscathed. All the bar
goers accepted the dare and each put up a drink. The man walks up to the
alligator, takes his penis out of his pants and puts into the alligator's mouth.
He then grabs a beer bottle and smashes it over the alligator's head. The
alligator immediately opens his mouth and the man removes his penis unscathed.
The crowd is left in awe.
The man then says, 'If there is anyone here who is willing do the same thing, I
will give them $500.''
From the back of the bar a woman stands up and says, ''I'll do it, if you
promise not to smash the beer bottle over my head!''
Seriously
now if anyone wants a good night out this week, then come to the academy with
Matt and I on Sunday, will be brilliant, and Loz!! Feeder are supporting no
joke!! See for yourself at www.bullshittingagain.com
Take
care all,
Will