Issue 5 - 01.10.01
Thanks
very much for a set of good reviews from last weeks Will’s Weekly though
unfortunately that means I have to try and be even funnier this week which may
well not work, though that does mean the week after I only have to tell one
‘knock knock’ joke and you all be pissing yourselves.
Though
saying that I did have one bad review from an unnamed source that said “if
his/her printer was working he/her would print it off and use it as bog roll to
wipe his/her arse!”
Now
I know this person quite well otherwise I would smack it and they loved it
really, but scared me when they said this quote. Although if you read this weeks
and dis it I will shove my scanner up your arse, press scan and post it in the
next weeks edition.
Sorry,
yeah I know that was a bit to much detail for you all but I had to make sure it
knew where I stood. So now I can get on with the show.
Custard creams the nations
favourite. Personally I love them, they are the king of any biscuit tin, they
wear the trousers in the world of teatime snacks. Though I must say whoever
invented the ‘lemon’ flavoured ones you deserve to be shot as they just ming. I mean a bloody lemon flavour taste with your tea! Its like chalk and
cheese they don’t go, no-one buy them and produces may get the message.Anyway
that’s a different argument.
So some facts on custard
creams, trust me once you have read these facts you will raid your pantry or
raid your Co-op to taste the beauties.
| If
all the custard creams ever made in the world were piled on top of each
other the tower would fall over. |
| Or
more seriously, if all the custard creams were piled on top of each other
the tower would be 300,000 times taller than the Eiffel Tower. To put that
into comparison – if you pile all the girls Matt has ever pulled on top of
each it would a) fall over b) squash and probably kill the girl on the
bottom c) Interfere with Heathrow flight path d) Be the next target for Bin
Liner to destroy, sorry Bin Laden.
|
| 79%
of custard cream munchers break the biscuit into two and eat them as two
separate biscuits, scraping the cream off with ones teeth. |
| If
all the cream left in everyone’s teeth who has eaten a custard cream was
pulled together it would fill the Channel Tunnel four times. |
| Custard
creams are a dentists worst nightmare |
| 3 people have been killed while eating custard creams, one person died from a cream overdose, the other swallowed it hole and choked to death and the third was eating a custard cream in Afghanistan. |
(matts note: complaints for that driect to will not me please!)
May I thank all the readers
who have offered me support in me giving up biting my nails. My thumbnail is
nearly 1.2 cm long, a length that a certain monsieur W would be proud of – and
we’re not talking fingers!
My only other real news is
to pay our deepest respects to those who suffered in the Crackley Lane tragedy
where known terrorists planted large amounts of stinging nettles and brambles by
the side of the road before pushing innocent victims deep in. Many are still
missing and nettle stings are said to be in their thousands – Fundraising is
currently going well –we have raised 1p which will go towards calamine lotion
for the poor buggers.
Donations
to either mat.w@btinternet.com or becci_lilley@hotmail.com
SFA for providing
such fantastic entertainment, and the RSPB for bringing along a fine selection
of woodpeckers and such local wildlife
CCFC – keep on
fighting boys
Lady at the post office
who forgot to charge me for my stamps, meaning I have 10 free stamps, and no
Matt that is no stealing!
Luisa Keogh – 18
this weekend another opportunity to get mooed, by the way you all know its fancy
dress – i.e. cops and robbers?
Next door neighbours
– give me back my Frisbee…… NOW you old farts who rely on Stannah stair
lifts far too much and stink of rotten piss
Richard Branson –
surely he could reduce train fares a little plus make his pickle taste a bit
nicer – that stuff honks
Pizza Bella,
grrrrrrrrrr over charged me again, though always pay up, as the drivers are
robbers who will come back and burgle your house, trust me NWC. (Neighbourhood
Watch Co-ordinator)
Weezer for perhaps pulling
out of gig with KA
A
tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks
around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two
gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the
man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are
bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to
the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.
The
diner tells the waiter that he wants the bull’s testicles for dinner, but the
waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he
can have it tomorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the
restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he
notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter,
and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull
wins''
Due to the current economic situation, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off until further notice.
Thanks
folks
WJF
(William -Jumping –still- from- Sunday –night- Fuller)