Issue 8 - 07.04.02
Hello
there friends, relatives, pets, perverts and paedophiles. Will’s Weekly is in
true Take That style ‘back for good’. You see as Matt is working hard to
update his website I thought I best do my bit and waffle on like I promised all
those many months ago. I will warn you if this returning Will’s Weekly lacks
humour I am sorry, but please bear with me, as I am not drunk yet.
A
lot has happened since I last wrote, Bin Laden has been seen skating at Castle
Farm. The Queen Mother was heard singing ‘Staying Alive’ at karaoke night at
the ‘tut’ on Wednesday and Richard Sharman has finally admitted that his
hair is in fact a wig. Along with that Alan Shearer and Matt Wankling both
scored for the 200th time. Shearer for ‘Newcastle United’ and
Matt for the ‘Broad Lane young ladies United’ who may I add are facing
relegation to the Vauxhall snogference. Anyway I will quit the general waffle
and continue in true Will’s Weekly style with
Have you eaten a Chinese
meal and thought ‘hey I could have eaten that meal so much easier and quicker
if I would have replaced these chopsticks with a knife and fork?’ I know
that’s quite a long thought but I’m sure you have. Anyway some facts about
chopsticks…
| Two
friends called Mr Chop and Mr Stick invented chopsticks in Nuneaton. They
mass-produced the product sending out thousands of pairs to China who now
use the chopsticks to eat with. |
| The
original use for chopsticks in Nuneaton was to pick up used syringes and
condoms off the floor in an attempt to keep the streets clean. It was the
Chinese who first thought of eating with them. |
| Nuneaton
Accident and Emergency deals with over 200 people a year who have eaten
syringes and condoms. |
| Should
you glue all the chopsticks in the world together it would go to Mars and
back five times! |
| Health
Watch UK says over 100 people have been killed while using chopsticks. 50%
swallowed chopsticks, resulting in a punctured lung, 30% put one in each
nostril and slammed their head on the table causing the bones in your nose
to crush your brain. 20% of the fatalities were suicides, people driven to
despair simply because they kept spilling their Chinese meal on their new
‘Kappa’ tracksuit. |
Shock horror a new feature
in Will’s Weekly. This column gives readers a 20 second insight into the
political background of one of the most influential air guitarists in the world.
Shootdestinyschild,eattheroyalfamily,closedownburgerking,moremacdonalds,increaseminimumwageto£10anhour,putmattinthenewsoftheworld,attackthewelsh,sodbinladenletsfindandkillterrywogan.jointheeuro
| Coventry
City, quite frankly you have put no effort into any matches this season, you
are all lazy, though JJ you have a fine arse. |
| Our
window cleaner, who claims to have cleaned our windows when they are about
as dirty as late night Channel 5 |
| Mr
MC and Haydn for banning the BZ. Don’t even get me started |
| Matt
for claiming I still owe him 2 faithless CDs when I only have one |
| James
Whitehouse for always having such good MSN names |
| Easyworld,
new tour dates announced, keep up the good work people. |
| J
Sainsbury for having half price Nelson Mandela just what one needs in this
BBQ weather |
| Mo
and Tone for being so amusing, we really hope you get tgether don’t we bex. |
| Matt
for sorting out the website, putting up with the usual piss takes. |
Organisers are still
recruiting girls to play this year’s Tits in the Park in Scotland. There are
four stages where girls simply just run on, flash and run off. Tickets for the
event are nearly sold out, camping tickets should be obtained from _ _ _ _ / _ _
_ _ _ priced at a massive £300 each.
The headliners,
Jordan,
Victoria Beckham, Pamela
Anderson, Anne Widdecombe.
Am not sure about the
relevance of this joke, but thought it was quite funny. Enjoy
Three
nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We
don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them,
"Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left
thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The
next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first
nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a
kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some
holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.
The
second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you
do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother
said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."
The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"
Take
care all,
Will
Will.fuller@lineone.net