When we first started dating, D.H. and I discussed our thoughts on marriage and weddings.  Until I received the revelation that he was my husband I did not believe in marriage.  Marriage, to me is a misconception.  I did not want to be married to anyone.  I wanted a commitment.  My best friend at the time told me that I was crazy, “marriage is a commitment, Shani.”  But I still had to beg to differ.  It is sad to say that we live in a society where people can remember exactly how much they spent on their wedding dresses, what type of cake they ate, what their bridesmaids wore, but they can not tell you their wedding vows.

Marriage is about relationship.  Anyone who has ever had a real, strong relationship knows that the key to making it work is communication.  People grow and change every day, even when they don’t see it, and if you aren't constantly working on your relationship, you will get lost and one of you will have grown in one direction and the other person in another direction.  (I have some very strong views on marriage and if I happen to offend anyone, charge it to my heart and not my mind.  Really.)  You cannot say that you are really married to someone that you do not communicate with, with whom you do not share all of your thoughts and concerns and most of all someone whom you do not respect.  It is impossible to love someone that you don’t respect and love is the chief cornerstone of marriage.

I feel that this is the reason that many people get divorced.  They forget about the other person, who has needs, thoughts, memories, resentments and ideas of their own.  When two people come together in a committed relationship, they are agreeing that whatever the outcome of a situation, they will stick together.  That means that if one person wants sex all the time and the other not as much you come to a compromise.  If the bills need to be paid and there is not enough money coming in, you make a decision on how to balance your budget and keep your family happy.   If being out of the home too much is going to disrupt the fabric of your relationship that means that you have to cut back on something.  You never sacrifice your family for comfort.  D.H. and I came to an agreement early and that was, as long as home is going like it should be, it doesn’t matter if people agree with our choices.  It is not about them, it is about us and us being happy.  Many people questioned some of the choices that we made and are making in our relationship, but it is about our personal growth and us strengthening our bond. 

I honestly believe that one of the key elements in divorce is outside influences.  If you have a husband that won’t come home, don’t call your mother or your sisters  complaining to them about it.  TALK TO YOUR MAN!!  He probably doesn’t want to come home because when he is there all you talk about is how he doesn’t do anything right, complain about what he watches on TV, talk about him like a dog on the phone to your family, or some similar disrespectful act.  I wouldn’t want to be around that type of environment; no one should have that going on in his or her home.  My husband and I have our faults, and we talk about them openly and honestly.  We work on our differences, we address our individual thoughts and concerns and we work out a compromise.  We talk everyday, about everything, from every available angle.  We watch TV together, we send each other emails, we talk on the phone several times a day, not because we don’t trust one another, but because we are building a bond, and that takes time.  We pray together and separately we pray for each other.  We consult each other about every decision that either of us makes, because it will affect the other.  If I am going to do something that will tire me out, I consult him, because when I get home he is the one that will have to deal with me on the tail end of that tiredness.  If he is going to do something that takes him away from the house, he consults me, because I am the one that will be on the receiving end of what he feels like when he gets home.  Home is your first priority.