The Even More Excellent Adventures of Cid, Vince and Laguna

by Kal  (kal31@hotmail.com)

Rufus just stared through the limousine's window. He didn't believed he was going to shut down another Mako reactor. Since Avalanche had saved everyone from Meteor, the people were demanding non-Mako energy. Damn Avalanche extremists! So what if some plants and animals died? So what if some of them became monsters? So what if one of them went into a town and ate someone's grandmother? Those were small prices to pay for such a cheap and clean energy source.

*****

 

At that moment, at Rocket Town, Cid was doing the final adjustments to the Highwind. Now, it should be capable to travel not only to other worlds, but also to other dimensions. Now, only if he could figure why the damn thing didn't started...

"Cid!!! Come to the table, it's time to eat!!!"

Cid banged his head against the panel he was checking and unleashed a string of curses. Then he saw the problem. A switch that said "fixed" and "unfixed" was hid among the cables.

"Damn! Those Shinra "%"#% messed the ship more than I had thought."

He flipped the switch to "fixed" and went towards the house.

Cid seated in the table and started reading his newspaper. In big, black ,bold letters was the heading "Shinra closes another reactor! President Rufus will be present."

"Wow! This is such good news!"

"Well, that's why you and your friends fought for, isn't it?"

"Hell, yeah. I can't wait to see it, it's been a long time since I saw something like this."

"It's very important, yes." Shera said, glad that Cid was actually reading the news and not the sports section or the comic strip.

"I can't wait to see Robotech in the TV again. This time I'm going to record it in the VCR."

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"Robotech is going to be back on the air! It's my second favorite TV show after the Dukes of Hazzard. The last time I saw it was four years ago."

"Were you talking about a cartoon?"

"Anime! It's called anime! And it's the best #%#$& of them all!"

Cid then got up and went to the living room. After a couple of minutes, lots of curses were heard, and Cid entered the kitchen very pissed off.

"$#$&%@,the VCR doesn't work, and I don't have any blank tapes to record Robotech on."

"Well, it´s about 8 years old! And it's a BETA VCR! They don't make any tapes for it anymore, you will have to buy a new one."

"#%#$&, I'm not going to buy a new one. I'm a goddamn mechanic! If I can build a rocket, then I can fix this!"

Cid then entered the garage and for a couple of hours, machinery sounds followed by curses were heard. Then a huge flame busted trough the door, and a very black Cid came trough the door, with a mess of cables and chips in the hand.

"Shera, I´m going out."

"Are you going to buy a new VCR?" she said smiling.

"Hell, no. I´m going to...eh...visit Vinny. Yes that's it! I'm going with Vinny, because...ah...he has a BETA VCR too! And it's the same model as mine, so he maybe can give it to me, since he doesn't use it."

"OK, but when you get back, buy two bottles of milk, because we don't have any left."

Cid took the keys of the Highwind and got out the house. He climbed the ladder and entered the cockpit. He started the engines and grabbed the controls and pulled back. The Highwind got in the air and flied towards Nibelheim.

 

*****

At Nibelheim, Vincent was seeing the empty space, having important thoughts like "Why are we here?" "What is my destiny?" "Should I buy a new red cape?" Then he heard somebody ringing the bell. He got up and stopped before the door, then he transformed into Chaos. Those kids were starting to be a nuisance, ringing the bell and running away, the last time it happened while he was in the shower. He opened the door and roared with all his strength. Then he saw it was Cid, who was completely frozen with fear, his eyes staring blankly at him. Vincent transformed back to his normal self.

"Sorry, Cid, I thought you were one of those kids and..."

Cid was still. Vincent pushed him and Cid fell to the floor like he was a statue. A couple minutes later, Cid was again able to move and speak, after Vincent had emptied a glass of water on his head. He quickly explained him the motive of his visit.

"So, can you lend me your VCR?"

"Well, sorry, but I changed it for a Playstation with Final Fantasy Anthology."

"Damn, I have to buy a new VCR then. Will you accompany me to buy a new one at Wall Market?"

"Well, let me see my agenda."

Vincent then took out a little black book. In blue letters it said:

Friday: Go buy comics at Ed's store. Read them.
Saturday: Go see the The World Is Not Enough at the Multimovies for 5th time.
Sunday: Disinfect the baths and the coffin.

"Hmmm, well, I can go with you."

"Great, then let's go to sleep, tomorrow we will go early."

 

*****

"Laguna, I really think we should go back."

"C'mon Kiros, I know we are in the right way, let's walk a couple of miles more."

"You said that two hours ago. I think we should go back."

Ward and Kiros stopped. Laguna then approached them.

"Guys, what's the matter?"

"Well, we are tired of this, we'll head back to home right now."

"B-b-but you can't quit. We have to go."

"Look, Laguna, we know you love Shinra Cola, but why didn't you buy it at the store at Deling City?"

"Because it's not the CLASSIC Shinra Cola. It's only sold at Midgar."

"We can't go on. Sorry, but you're on your own."

Kiros then took out the transdimensional travel device that Dr. Odine gave them and opened a passage to their world. Kiros and Ward stepped trough it and the door closed before Laguna reached it.

"Damn! I'm stranded here. Well, the principal thing now is to get my Shinra Cola, I'll worry about going back later."

*****

The next morning at Wall Market...

Cid and Vincent were looking in the stores to see if any had a good VCR. It wasn't an easy task, because Cid cursed everytime he heard the price, and they were kicked out from the store.
"$#%#&,those guys are thieves, I tell you."

"Well, why don't you just pay for the VCR? You need it, remember?"

"Yes, I need the VCR, but #$&/% me if I'm going to let those thieves win!"

"You know, I think that in Junon they were having a discount on electronic goods, because Shinra is closing another reactor."

"Then let's go there."

 

*****

"Ahh, I remember the old days, when all the people was scared of us, and our weapons sold like bread."

"Kya ha ha, Mr. President, I remember them. When we were at war with Wutai, everything was great. And we were gaining lots of money."

"Gya ha ha, yes, those were the good old days. Now we give away the weapons and shut down the reactors. It's too bad we're not at war anymore."

"What did you say?"

"Well, just that it's too bad we're not at war anymore..."

"That's it! We have to be in war again, and everything will be like the old days! It's perfect!"

"But Mr. President, there's no one we can be at war with. We are the only country in this world who can do war."

"Then I guess we'll have to go against another world." Rufus said smiling.

"But, who can be strong enough to go against us for a long time?" Scarlet asked.

"I've heard of a country named Esthar in another world. They're pretty strong." Heidegger said.

"Then it's decided. But we need a pretext to go against Esthar, and I've already a plan for that."

*****

 

Laguna entered the elevator, after paying 10 gil to the guard. He thought it was useless to put a guard if anyone could go past it, but he wasn't here to judge the ways of this world. Now, the only thing he wanted was his Shinra Cola.

He then heard the march music, although no one was marching. He just ignored it and went to a store. It had a sign in the door, that said: "Closed due to Mako reactor shut down. Come back later."

"Hmmm. I'll guess I'll go to that Mako thing event. Maybe it will be fun."

After walking for some minutes he reached the Shinra offices at Junon. In a great sign it said: "Weapons discount sale! Come and buy before they go!" 

 

Laguna then got near a table and saw all the weapons they had there, along with many cool army equipment. He grabbed a pair of night vision goggles and checked them. He also grabbed a bazooka and a pack of grenades for his Limit Break, then went to the cashier.

At that moment, Cid and Vincent entered the place and looked for an used VCR. Luckily, there was one and Cid paid for it. Then Rufus speech began.

"Hello, is this thing on? One, two, three, testing. Welcome Junon people, this is a great day for everyone. Today, the last Mako reactor will be shut down, and the hydroelectric central will start to work. This day will be remembered forever as..."

In the front line, a soldier was very nervous. He had been ordered by Rufus to shot him and say he was from Esthar, but he couldn't remember where he told him to shoot. Was it at the leg? Or at a kidney? Or at his right arm? He then decided to just close the eyes and shoot. He took out the gun and pointed it to Rufus.

Laguna was behind the soldier, eating a hot-dog, when he saw a coin in the floor.

"Wow, I have good luck."

He bent to pick it, and as he did it, his elbow hit the bazooka trigger and a missile went towards the soldier. The explosion made him fly through the air and fall, engulfed in flames. Laguna was thrown to a hot-dogs cart and knocked out cold.

"It's alright people, let us pass." Heidegger said, followed by two soldiers. "It seems it was Private Wedge, we were suspecting him to be a spy of Esthar."

"Then, this settles it! We declare war to Esthar right now! From this moment let everyone know that we will not stop until they are crushed! You, the one with the long hair, what's your name!?"

Laguna was still feeling dizzy, and he hadn't heard heard Rufus other words.

"Laguna. Laguna Loire."

"Laguna Loire, you have done a great service to us. You can ask anything you want."

 

"Anything? Then, I want a truck loaded with Shinra Cola."

"Done! Let's go, we have to prepare for the war."

Rufus left with Scarlet and Heidegger. Cid and Vincent approached Laguna.

"Hey, that was cool! So, Laguna, tell me where are you from?"

"I come from another world. I am from Deling City."

"Why didn't you ask for millions of gil?"

"´Cause I LOVE Shinra Cola, besides, I have enough money from my appearance in Final Fantasy 8."

"So you're one of those FF8 guys, huh? Well, you´re pretty cool, not like those "#%"#% kids. Come with us, maybe we could give you a ride to your world in the Highwind."

"OK, but I need to go pick my truck of Shinra Cola."

 

*****

At the Gold Saucer, there were loud crashes coming from the Chocobo Races. Then Cait and his moogle flew through the door. Cait landed head first in a trash can, and his moogle was trying to take him out of it. Then Dio appeared at the door.

 

"Damn cat! How you dare to say that my games are fixed! Now, you can't come here for the rest of your life!"

Then a couple of security robots took Cait and the moogle to the exit.

"I've been kicked out of worse places, you know! And don't think the Theme Parks Union won't hear of this!"

Cait then boarded the cabin and seated in a corner. After he had lost the last 3000 gil he had, he began to think it was strange that Joe always won. So he went to the Chocobo pens to revise them. He thought that Joe´s chocobo Teioh was a robot like him, so he tough that moving some cables would let him win back what he lost. Big mistake. 

 

When he found Teioh,it wasn't in a good mood, so when Cait started to search for its "control panel", it went crazy, destroying its pen, and escaping into the gambling area, destroying everything in its path. It calmed just after a security guard shot him with a sleep dart and then Dio arrived. Cait tough that if he explained his motives, Dio wouldn't sue him. Big mistake. 

 

Now Cait was without money, and he had to left Cloud's villa in guarantee for the damages. Good thing he was in Midgar at the moment. He had to think of something to get money fast before Cloud found out and practiced his Omnislash on him.

The cabin stopped and Cait stepped out of it. He was thinking about maybe trying to sell Square secrets to Nintendo, when he heard two guys talking.

"Have you heard? Shinra has declared war on Esthar. It seems they tried to kill President Rufus. The worse happened."

"Did they succeed?"

"No, they failed. Now Rufus will invade their world, and destroy them."

"I dunno, I've heard those Esthar guys are very advanced. They have technology other countries only dream of."

"Yeah, they would pay millions for anything from there."

Cait listened closely and began to develop a plan. He would go to Esthar, steal some schematics, sell them to Shinra, and he would get Cloud's villa back from Dio, and maybe he could buy his own. He then remembered he didn't have any transport.

"How will I get there? It's in another world...hmmm...I know! Maybe Cid can give me a ride for free!"

He then ran to the exit of Corel, thinking about what he would do with all that money.

*****

 

"Hey wait!" Laguna was running towards Rufus helicopter.

"Wait! Don't take off!"

"What? I can't hear you! There's too much noise!"

"What happened to my Shinra Cola!?"

Rufus was inside, but due to the noise, it seemed like Laguna opened his mouth without saying anything.

"What does that guy wants? We have to head back to Midgar to plan the war!"

"It's the same guy who saved you Mr. President. I think you promised him a truck of Shinra Cola."

"Tell him it is at the hangar No.9! Now let's go!"

Then Heidegger wrote something and gave it to Laguna. The helicopter lifted off and Laguna just stood there as the helicopter got away.

"Hmmm, hangar No.9,where is it?"

He started to search. He opened one hangar and saw a strange looking ship. Next to it were a couple of space mutants.

"Kodos, hurry up! We have to leave to join the invasion!"

"Do you want to be the one who fixes the thermoplasmatic generator? No? Then quit complaining!"
Laguna closed the door quietly and got away without looking back.

After finding the truck, and picking up Cid and Vincent, they boarded the Highwind, loading the truck in the cargo bay.

"Wow! This ship is huge!"

"Yes, it's the best goddamn airship ever! And I designed it!"

"Well, the Ragnarok seems cooler, and has a better name!"

"Now hear me, if you don't want me throw your pretty boy ass from the bridge, you better shut up your pie-hole and don't ever, EVER say that any ship is better than the Highwind!"

"Well, it's just..."

Cid squinted at him.

"Uh, the Highwind rules!"

Then Cid made the Highwind lift off, and headed to the west. When he got over the desert he saw something that called his attention.

Cait was standing in the middle of nowhere, making with his thumb the universal sign for auto-stop, and holding a sign that read "Esthar or bust!" Cid landed the Highwind near Cait, and he, Vincent and Laguna approached Cait.

"What the #%"#% are you doing here cat?"

"Well, I was hoping you guys could give me a ride to Esthar."

"What do you have to do there?" Laguna asked.

"Umm...well...I heard they...were...having a...anime convention! And I want to buy Pikachu dolls! and get and autograph from Luna of Sailor Moon!

The three of them looked Cait as if he were the strangest thing they had ever seen, considering the fact that a cat riding a moogle wasn't a very common sight.

"Well, if Cait wants to go, I guess we can take him. It is in Laguna's world after all."

"Alright, but don't count on me to bring you back! I don't want anything with that yellow rat's face to contaminate my ship!"

"Good! Then let's go!"

*****

At Esthar's Presidential Palace, a minister was busy with paperwork, when one of his aides entered the room.

"Sir, sorry to interrupt, but this has just arrived."

 

It showed a brown box, with no address in it, just the words "Esthar's Presidential Palace" on it. The minister opened it, and saw a toy Pikachu stabbed with a knife. A note was also in there. He took it in his hands and read it aloud.

"Dear Esthar President: Your death rat. Best wishes, Shinra Co."

"Why would they do something like that?"

"I don't know, but it seems President Shinra blames us for the assassination attempt against him. I told him we weren't involved, but it seems he wants to have war at all costs."

"Should I put our troops in standby?"

"Yes. We also have to get our President back from his vacation trip. We need him more than ever."

"Do you mean we have to...?"

"Yes. SEND THE OMEGA FORCE!"

In a moment, the room was filled with Esthar soldiers with black uniforms running in a line. They stopped right before the minister.

"Now hear me. We are going into a war with a powerful nation, and we need our President to be found and brought here within the next 48 hours. Do whatever it takes, but don't return without him! Now go!"

The Omega Force soldiers then exited the door, took the zoomway to the airport, and boarded the other two Ragnarok-class ships. With big noise, the two ships took off.

*****

 

After a trip of many hours through the hyper-space, the Highwind arrived at the Final Fantasy 8 world. While they were heading in the direction Laguna indicated them, Cait began to feel uneasy.
"Maybe I should think of a plan. But where..."

Then he saw the Highwind's bathroom, he entered it and closed the door, without looking at a small sign post at the door. As he was thinking of a plan, he washed his hands and then dried them with a paper towel. Not seeing a trash can nearby, he dropped it in the toilet, and flushed it. Big mistake. The bottom of the toilet opened and the difference of pressures sucked out everything inside the Highwind.

In the cabin, suddenly everything was sucked out. Laguna grabbed of Vincent's cape, and Vincent grabbed a nearby console. Cid was grabbing the controls.

"$%#$&,who went to the bathroom?"

While Vincent, Laguna and Cid tried not to be sucked out, the Highwind plummeted to the ground, landing with a huge crash. It was in a bad shape, and it was obvious it couldn't take them any further.

"Where's that #$#$% cat!? I'm gonna kill him!"

They heard Cait under a piece of metal and got him out.

"What happened?"

"It seems some idiot didn't see the "under repairs" sign at the entrance of the #%#$%& bathroom."

"Well, at least we are in good shape. Laguna, do you know where we are?"

"Hmm, don't worry, I think we are near Timber. We should take a train from there to Balamb, and ask for a free ride there to my friends."

"Do you know how to get there?"

"Of course! And I know a shortcut, we will be there in no time!"

*****

The Ragnarok-class ships landed near Nibelheim. Then, black dressed Esthar Omega Force got out and began their search. They began to run in a line, when they saw their arrival was noticed by a farmer. They pointed their axe-guns to him and fired. The poor devil was disintegrated. They began to run again.

*****

At the Shinra building. (In case you're wondering, Shinra Co. moved to their offices at Junon) This emergency meeting for Avalanche hadn't started well. First, when Cloud brought the subject on Shinra's war against Esthar, Barret said for the millionth time "Those darn Shinra!" Then, new member Glenn (Frog, from Chrono Trigger) began to argue with Barret about his way of talking.

"Guys!"

Everyone then saw who yell. It was new member Quistis.

"Well, what are we going to do about it?"

"I'd say we go dere and blow that goddamn Shinra to kingdom come!"

"Barret, we don't want to destroy Shinra, just stop the war." Tifa said.

"'Tis true. I verily encourage thee to find another way."

"But we can't interfere!"

All turned to see who said that. It was Poipoie (The Sprite from Secret of Mana).

"Why do u say dat, elf?"

"I'm not an elf! I'm a sprite! And it says so in the rules book."

He showed a green book that had in the cover "Rules for novels, movies, comics and videogames characters"

"Read under "Heroes rules" page 320, paragraph 2.

Cloud read aloud: "If two nations, worlds, companies, or organizations declare each other war, the heroes must not intervene, unless an evil wizard/sorceress, a powerful megalomaniac, an ancient monster, aliens and the likes are responsible. If normal humans want to kill each other, who are we to stop them?"

"So, we don't do nothing?" Tifa asked.

"Well, we can't break the rules. We would be expelled from the heroes syndicate." Cloud said.

"So, say, any of you here want to go a bar and get drunk?" Popoie said.

Everyone cheered, and in seconds, the meeting was ended.

*****

"Well, maybe...and only maybe...we are lost."

"LOST? You #$#"$% said you knew where we were."

"Well, uh, I think I took a couple of bad turns. Give me a couple of minutes to get in the right track."

"#$%#$, I'll wait here with Vinny and the cat."

Laguna then began to climb a mount. Cid then began to talk with Vincent. Cait was busy trying to raise his Chicobo in his PocketStation.

"Vinny, you really think that guy knows where to go?"

"He is from here, but when he ignored the "Winhill 3 miles" sign, I started to worry."

"You should guide us. I'll try and distract him so he doesn't end taking us into Paraguay. I'm going to see the terrain."

Cid got up and walked to a tiny forest nearby. He started to smoke, when a yellow rat appeared.

"Pi-Ka-Chu."

"Awww, it's one of them Pikachus. They don't appear to be so lame in real life."

Cid then kneeled near it and tried to touch it. The Pikachu then shocked him with its electric energy. Cid was roasted, and he was all black.

"$%#$& rat, now I'll teach you a lesson!"

Minutes later, he was back to where Cait, Laguna and Vincent were standing.

"Hey, what's that in your head?"

Cid was wearing a hat he made with the Pikachu (think of a David Crocket raccoon hat, just that instead of a raccoon it's a Pikachu) the lightning-like tail coming out of the yellow thing that was once the little critter.

Then, two boys and a girl came out of the forest.

"PIIKKKAAAACCCHHHUUUU! WHERE ARE YOU?" yelled one of the kids, dressed in blue jeans, a blue and white shirt and a red and white baseball hat.

"Ash, how could you lose him?" the red haired girl asked.

"He just wanted to walk. Hey,mister, have you seen a Pikachu?"

Vincent, Cait and Laguna turned to Cid.

"Ahh, well, I...no, I haven't seen any of them rats."

"Hey, that's a pretty cool hat. Where did you buy it?" Brock asked.

"Thanks kid. Huh, I bought it at...Wal-Mart! Yes, I bought it at the local Wal-Mart."

"Well, if you see Pikachu ,tell him we are looking for him."

Ash, Misty and Brock got away. Cid then saw everybody was looking at him as he were the lowest of the villains.

"What!? The #$&%% rat attacked me! I just defended myself."

"How could you do that to a kid's pet?" Laguna asked.

"Yeah! Everybody loves Pikachu! So should you!" Cait said.

"Well, what's done is done. We better get on the road again so we can find a town before the night," Vincent said.

*****

"Aaahh! I just feel SO good!"

At the Shinra offices at Junon, Rufus was in one of those secret supervillains rooms that have a lot of computers, armed flunkies running everywhere, a big table (with black rotable chairs of course) and a big world map under a giant Shinra logo in the wall. At the table were Rufus, Scarlett, Heidegger, Hojo and Palmer.

"Gya haa haa! Our weapons production is going trough the roof. And because we are going to war, we can rise the taxes."

"Tra la la! Taxes! That sounds as good as...jelly donuts! With chocolate frosting! And, and..."

"Shut up Palmer! Now, have you had delivered the new Shinra prototype to the front lines?"

"Huh? Front lines? I thought you said Esthar."

"To the Esthar front lines you idiot! Where did you send it!?"

"Well, to...Esthar's...Presidential Palace! Don´tkillmeMr.Presidentplease!" Palmer said as he ran to hide behind Hojo's chair.

"You lard-eating fool! Do you know what this means? Now Esthar has our prototype! They might win the war!"

"Don't worry, Mr. President, I will take care of this. I'll send the Turks to retrieve it as fast as possible, and to kill a couple of Esthar officials while they are there."

"Don't tell me, just do it! And you Palmer, I condemn you to...having no dessert a whole month!"

"NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!"

*****

After a couple of hours walking guided by Vincent, they finally arrived at Timber. They purchased a train ticket, but, it was in the second-class compartments since the first-class was for non-smokers. Cid thought it was well worth it. Couldn't say the same for the others, though. Cait was being harassed by two little children who wanted "to pet the cute cat in the moogle", Vincent was being used as a pillow by the fat guy who fell sleep since the train left the station, and Laguna was in the middle of a cargo of chickens in cages, and a couple of goats, who smelled like someone had bathed them in toxic waste before leaving them there. After a couple of hours, they arrived at Balamb, and after following the road (why would an island only have one road, anyway?) they arrived at Balamb Garden. They entered and Laguna asked the guard to tell the boss that he had arrived. They soon where in the dorm rooms area, and Squall was going to where they were standing.

"Hello Squall, how've you been?" Laguna said.

"Fine." Squall said.

"C'mon, don't be so cold with your father! Give me a hug!"

"You're not my father."

(In a deep voice.) "Squall, I am your father." Laguna said.

(In squeaky voice.) "NO, it can't be. You're lying!"

"Search in your heart, you know the truth!"

"No! Nooo!"

"C'mon, both of us like to do Star Wars scenes." Laguna said.

"That doesn't means you're my father, just that both of us are Star Wars fans." Squall said.

"But everyone knows it! You're my son! I had your card!"

"Whatever. You said you want to borrow the Ragnarok, but right now everyone's busy because of the Shinra-Esthar war, so we don't have anyone to pilot it."

"What!? There's a war with Esthar? We have to get there quick! Show us the way!"

"Well, but one of you has to pilot it."

"I'm a $%#$ pilot. I sure can fly that piece of junk."

"Well, if you're a pilot, then you should have no problems piloting it."

Squall then lead them to the newly constructed hangar for the Ragnarok. Cid then stared at it with his mouth open.

"#$%#$! It's the Apocalypse! I designed it!"

"Did you design it?" Vincent asked.

"Hell yeah! But those Shinra $%#@ told me it was impossible to build."

"I always wondered where the schematics came from. Then you can take me to home, and there we will get help to repair the Highwind."

They entered the Ragnarok,, and soon Cid was in the pilot's seat, Vincent was in the artillery controls seat, Laguna was the copilot and Cait was the navigator.

"Well, now we are ready to $%#%% take off! Hold onto your drawers!"

Cid pulled a lever and the Ragnarok took off with a blast...vertically. They stopped in the border of the atmosphere.

"Well, we should get to your home faster this way."

"It's right there." Laguna pointed to the middle of a barren area.

"Hold on!"

They re-entered the atmosphere and in seconds they were near Esthar's airspace. Then the radio became alive.

"Ragnarok, you have thirty seconds to explain why are you here. Otherwise we will shoot you out of the sky."

"Airstation, this is Laguna Loire. Let us pass safely."

"Mr. President! We had thought Shinra had caught you! Welcome back!"

Vincent, Cait and Cid stared at Laguna. "What?"

"You're the goddamn president of this country?"

 

"Well, yes..."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Cait asked.

"Ups, guess I forgot about it."

They landed at the Airstation. At the foot of the stairs were the minister and Kiros and Ward. "Laguna! We thought you were a goner." Kiros said.

"......!......!" Ward said.

 

"He says he's happy to see you. We need you more than ever. Who are they?" Kiros pointed to Cid, Vincent and Cait.

"They helped me get back here. They are friends."

"Hello." Cid said.

"Hi." Vincent said.

"Hello, I'm Cait Sith, a fortune-teller and I'm..."

"Well, as long as you're not with the Shinra, you're welcome. Let's go to the Presidential Palace." the minister said.

They got inside a car and headed to the Presidential Palace. The city of Esthar was amazing, made of polymers and titanium steel, it was very futuristic. They soon were at the front of the Palace, and they got out of the car. They followed Laguna to his office.

"Well, sir what are we going to do?" the minister asked.

 

"The Shinra has stationed their forces near the Great Salt Lake. They seem like they want to do an all-out attack."

"................,..........." Ward said.

"He says it's pretty serious. Our troops are on standby, waiting for your return. Should we attack first?" Kiros said.

"Hmm, well, I guess there's no way to avoid it. Let's attack! And to raise the troops morale, we'll also go to the front! Who's coming with me?"

"I'm %&$$# coming! There's no way I'll let those #@&%& Shinra to win!"

"I will go too." Vincent said.

"What about you Cait?" Laguna asked.

"Well, I'm...not...feeling very well, I guess I'll stay here."

"Well, Kiros, Ward, we three go too!"

In seconds, everyone had exited the Palace, except for Cait. He began to search the halls, hoping he would find any technological gizmo that seemed costly.

*****

At the Shinra camp, Rufus was inside a big tent, alongside Heidegger. He had come to personally supervise the war, and to make sure there would be no mistakes.

"Sir, the Esthar forces are starting to mobilize! What should we do?" Heidegger said.

"Attack, what else?" Rufus passed his hand through his hair. "Heidegger, have the Turks departed to Esthar?"

"Gya ha ha ha! Yes, Mr. President! It's just a matter of time before our prototype returns to us!"

"Good, then I shall prepare my victory speech."

*****

 

The Omega Force walked to the beach. After crossing the ocean that separated the two continents they were exhausted. They had no boats, so they had to swim. But now there would be no break, until they found their target. One of the soldiers laid in his back, breathing heavily.

"I just need a moment."

The commander nodded to one of them, who got near the exhausted one. He pointed his weapon to him and shot. There could be no resting.

 

*****

Laguna, Kiros, Ward, Vincent and Cid were in the back of a hover-jeep. Now they were in the middle of a war, and anything could happen. They reached the Esthar camp and got out of the jeep.

"Mr. President! It's an honor to have you here with us!" a colonel said.

"Thanks. What's the situation?"

"The Shinra forces are at the other side of the lake. We think we should attack now. Everyone's getting ready."

"Well, we'll have to get armed. Could you give them some weapons?" Laguna signaled to Cid and Vincent.

"Sure. Come with me please." He showed them a table full of things. "Here." He picked a grenade with the words "Pick me up" in it. "We have one of our most dangerous weapons. The implosive grenade disintegrates anybody who touches it. Just take the safety off, throw it, and wait for the enemy to pick it up."

"But, who would be stupid enough to pick up a grenade?" Vincent asked.

"You would be surprised. Here, we have a Stinger. It throws a horde of killer bees to the enemy."
Cid and Vincent were beginning to doubt Esthar could win the war.

 

"Well, now I have to go, pick anything you want from here. Take care!" the colonel then went away.
Vincent armed himself with some powerful looking weapons, and the implosive grenade. Cid just grabbed a couple of elixirs, and took out his spear from the space-time anomaly that all people in the world had in its pocket (You could store a jumbo jet in there if you could fit it into your pocket).

"Well, Vincent, let's get ready to rumble!"

*****

"Reno, this is he worst idea you have ever had."

"Actually, it was when he thought of giving Rufus a subscription to the Men's hair club as a birthday present."

"Shut up! You will thank me when we are inside Esthar!" Reno said.

They were inside three carton boxes, with the words "Esthar Presidential Palace" written in crayons on them. They were in the back of a truck inside the Esthar camp.

"This will work! It worked in Metal Gear Solid!" Reno said.

"Reno, it was a silly game! You can't expect that everything you see in a videogame can work!"

"Quiet. Two guards are coming." Rude said.

The guards approached the back of the truck. Then saw the boxes and read the direction on them. "Well, I guess we have to take them to the Palace."

"But, what if it is a trap? What if someone is inside the boxes?"

"Nah, no one would be that stupid. Now, let's go."

*****

Cait was very busy roaming the halls of the Palace. This place was huge! And he didn't find any technological thing, apart from the lights that activated with a clap. He was seriously doubting about his plan, when he found a strange box in a room. He opened it, and then he smiled. He hit jackpot! Inside that box, was probably the most advanced technological piece of equipment that had been ever built. Now, he had to get out of there. He got out of the room, and into the halls again. But how could he get out of there?

"I know! I will mark my way with candy!"

He got a bag of M&M's out of his cape and began to put them in the floor. Now he would get out of there in no time.

*****

The battle between Esthar and Shinra had begun. Cid was fighting against the robo-guards, blasting them with Bolt 3, but he was worried about Vincent. Last time he saw him, he was being chased by a whole platoon of soldiers. But, Vincent had a plan.

The soldiers were getting close, so Vincent decided to put his plan in motion. He stopped, and then began to grab his chest. The soldiers then pointed their guns to him and waited. Then Vincent began to talk in a cavernous voice.

"The time has come. The dark angel has been liberated! The world will kneel before me!"

The soldiers were puzzled. What was happening?

Vincent was revolting as if he was in pain. "Arrgh! run! The demon...I...can't stop it!" Vincent yelled.
The soldiers were beginning to feel a little scared.

"Sarge, what's happening?" a soldier asked.

"I don't know but this @$#& scares me!"

"Too late! Now I'm free!" Then Vincent transformed into Chaos, and let out a roar. The soldiers ran away, screaming like schoolgirls. Cid finished the robo-guards, and got near Vincent.

"Vinny, we got to stop this! Any ideas?"

"Well, if we can get into their camp, and seize their commander, then they will surrender." Vincent said.

"Great, let's go!"

*****

Cait was running out of M&M's. But he knew the exit had to be near. He got around a corner and bumped head-first with Reno, who was munching on the M&M's.

"What the...? It's the cat!" Reno said.

"What the...? It's the drunk Turk!" Cait said.

"Hey, he's got the prototype!" Elena said.

"Grab him!" Rude said.

Cait quickly got up and ran away. The Turks drew their weapons and began to fire at him. Cait was desperate. The Turks were beginning to get close. He then had an idea. With his tail, Cait made the "Right turn" sign, and in the crossroad of the halls, he went left. The Turks went right, and suddenly stopped.

"What the $@$%#%$! He disappeared!" Reno said.

"It's a ghost! I'm scared!" Elena said.

"Can I cry?" Rude asked.

"Not too loud. We're Turks, remember?" Reno said.

Then they heard a clanking sound behind them. They turned around, and saw a trash can moving. They got near it, and then, Reno took out the lid. Inside was Cait, and his moogle.

"You're trapped cat! Now give up the prototype!" Reno said.

"Nay, it's mine! I got here first! You go and steal your own prototype!" Cait said.

"We want that one!" Rude said.

"Too bad! Losersaywhat!" Cait said.

"What?" Reno asked.

"Hah! You're a loser Reno." Elena chuckled.

"Shut up! Now..."

Reno didn't finished. Cait was getting away quickly, taking advantage of the distraction. He knew he had to escape, but how? Then he had another idea.

He got near a window, and opened it. If it worked in Matrix...

The Turks were closing on him. Cait then took a breath, and began thinking "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can" He leaped from the window. For a moment, he stood there, suspended in the air. But then, he began to fall. The moogle touched ground first, and Cait fell on top of it. He was feeling dizzy, but he turned his head up to see the very angry Turks. He got on top of his moogle and then took he prototype out of his cape, showing it to the Turks in a victory dance. He then stopped.
(Hey, if Rufus so interested on it, maybe he will give me the money I need) Cait thought. "Hey guys!" he yelled to the Turks. "Where's Rufus?"

"We are not supposed to tell anyone he's at the Shinra camp past the Great Salt Lake." Elena said.
Reno smacked his forehead. Rude just stood there, silent.

"Elena, you moron! You have told him where Rufus is!" Reno said.

"Upsie."

"Thanks guys. Smell you later!" Cait said.

He quickly got to the nearest "Rent-a-car" a subsidiary of Hertz©. He touched the control panel, and a sexy feminine voice was heard.

"Good morning. Do you wish to rent a car?"

"No, I'm here to order a bologna sandwich. Yes, I'm here to rent a car!"

"It will be 3000 gil."

Cait then reversed his pockets. They were full...of holes (Yes, I know that was a lame joke, but I wanted to say it, OK?). He then began to pound on the machine, hoping that it, somehow, would give him a free car. Big mistake.

A big container thing emerged from the floor and trapped him. He started to pound on the walls.

"Sorry, but because of your behavior, we are going to have you expelled from here."

(That doesn't sounds too bad) Cait thought.

"From a cannon."

 

"Ups."

The container then was put in a giant cannon, and pointed to the Great Salt Lake direction. Then a loud blast was heard, and Cait was on his way to meet Rufus.

*****

Cid and Vincent were on top of a hill, observing the Shinra camp. There were soldiers everywhere, all armed to the teeth. Doberman dogs were patrolling the 15 meters high electrical fences, with surveillance cameras every 5 meters. This wasn't going to be easy.

"Well, Vinny, this is your field of expertise. How the &#%@@ do we get in there?" Cid asked.

"I have a plan. Don't move."

Vincent then ran towards the fence, avoiding the cameras. He took out the implosive grenade, took the pin out and threw inside the camp. He returned to where Cid was.

"Now, we wait." Vincent said.

In that moment, a soldier found the grenade. He read the words "pick me up" and picked it up. "Hey, Vicks, come see this..."

The soldier disappeared, disintegrated by the grenade. It fell to the floor again.

"Piet! What happened!?" He took out his radio. "Sir, something happened to Piet! He's disappeared!"

"Don't move! We'll be there in no time!" the radio crackled.

Soon, a whole platoon of soldiers were near the grenade. Everytime one of them went and picked up the grenade, it was disintegrated. And everytime, a new soldier would go and pick up the grenade. This went for a while, until there were no more soldiers left in the camp. Vincent and Cid entered quietly the camp, and went towards the largest tent of all. They entered and saw Rufus and Heidegger, in a very heated Battleship game.

"A-6." Heidegger said.

"Damn! I mean...you missed." Rufus said.

Vincent coughed hardly, and Rufus and Heidegger turned around to see who was there.

"YOU! What are YOU doing here?" Rufus asked.

"We came here to stop this war!" Cid said.

Vincent took out some of the high-power rifles, and pointed them to Rufus and Heidegger. They both raised their arms.

"You won't get away! Outside is a whole army of the best Shinra troopers, personally trained by Heidegger!"

"Well, there's no one outside, you knucklehead." Cid said smugly.

"WHAT!? How could you two finish an entire army of highly trained specialists?" Heidegger asked.

"You would be surprised. Now, you two will stop this war." Vincent said.

(Damn, only a miracle can save me now. God, if you're listening, I promise to not collect double-taxes on Christmas again.) Rufus thought.

Then, a sound was heard. It as growing louder, and then, with a huge crash, the container Cait was in passed through the roof of the tent and landed in the middle of them. He opened the door and stepped outside, and then saw Rufus.

"Hey, Rufy! I've been searching for you! I think you might want this!" He then showed Rufus the prototype.

"Give it to me! NOW!"

"Wait, first, I want to know how much will you pay me."

"Are you $%##$ nuts, cat? What the heck are you trying to do?" Cid asked.

"I'll give you this blank check. Now, give it to me!"

Rufus handed Cait the blank check, and Cait gave him the prototype.

"A pleasure to do business with you, Rufy. Smell you later!"

Cait then went away, celebrating his new fortune. On the other hand, things weren't looking good for Cid and Vincent.

"Now we play by my rules!" Rufus said.

He was holding a big technopiece that, upon closer inspection, resembled the cross of a toaster, a Cray supercomputer, a plasma gun, and a can of soda, all melted into one, with Christmas lights strapped to it.

"Hmm, Sir, I think you're pointing it backwards." Heidegger said.

"Oh yeah? I'm supposed to point this thing?"

Rufus began to search the weapon, hoping to find to way to activate it. "YEEAAARRRGGHHH! How the $#@@%& am I supposed to use this?"

"Stop right there mister!"

Laguna entered the tent, with Kiros and Ward following behind. "Give it up Rufus! You can't win! Your armies are without a guide, your allies have been neutralized."

"Hey that's a cool line." Vincent said.

"Really? I stole it from Grant Morrison."

"Too bad! Now, I have discovered the way to use this thing." Rufus laughed.

"Hum, sir, what does it do?" Heidegger said.

"It'll make us the winners. At least that's what I hope." Rufus said.

Rufus then activated the weapon. All of it happened in slow motion. As Rufus finger activated the weapon, Vincent took out his Exit materia and took them out of there. They reappeared in a nearly hill, an then a bright light appeared in the Shinra camp. A mushroom shaped cloud rose from there, and then, the Shinra camp was in ruins.

*****

Two hours later...

Esthar had won the war. Rufus and Heidegger were found still, and burned, just where they were standing. When Rufus was able to talk again, he surrendered. A great party was made in honor of Cid and Vincent, the new heroes of Esthar. They got help to repair the Highwind, and soon they were ready to go.

"You know, this been crazy. Next time, let's do something more calm, like beating a megalomaniac, finding an ancient magical artifact, or just go to a bar and get drunk." Laguna said.

"You're right. You will be always welcome, Laguna. Goodbye." Cid said.

"Goodbye Laguna. And remember: Grant Morrison is a god." Vincent said.

"You're wrong. He IS God." Laguna said.

The Highwind then lifted, and soon, they were heading back home.

*****

Cid entered his house. What a great story he would tell Shera! He began the great tale of courage, hope, and dead Pikachus the three of them had protagonized. At the end, he just stood smiling, waiting for Shera to say something.

"That's good to hear Cid. But where is the milk?" Shera asked.

Yup, it's good to know that, whatever you do, wherever you go, whoever megalomaniac you stop from taking over the world, there will always be someone who still sees you as a lazy bum.

*****

At the Shinra building...

They had crushed rebellions. They had destroyed nations in days. Their sole presence put fear in the hearts of the enemies of Esthar. But today, the Omega Force knew defeat. And they weren't defeat by a incredible new weapon, or a big, powerful army. They were defeated...by the stairs. The Omega commander lifted his head and saw the infinite stairs. Then, he let out his last breath.

The End

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