Foo's Clues

Narrator: Hi, kids! It's time for...Foo's Clues! Presenting your host...Barret Wallace!

Barret: What da <beep> is going on?! Hey you <beep beep>! What da <beep> I be doin' here?! AAACCKKK!!! My clothes! Why am I be wearin' dis stupid pansy <beep> green striped shirt an' khaki pants?! An' wat's wid all dis <beep> beeps! I pity da foo' who put me in here!

Narrator: (who just so happens to be the adorable Cloud Strife) This is a children's show, Barret. No profanities allowed. Remember...we're doing this to raise money for our Get Rid of Shinra Fund Drive. So...get on with it.

Barret: (sniff) But why is it bein' me? It been no fair fo' me. What 'bout other friends?

Cloud: (scratches head, trying to comprehend Barret's ebonics) Oh...you were the only one available. Sephiroth's too busy out looking for Black Materia, Cait Sith's still recharging his batteries, Cid doesn't like kiddie shows, not to mention, it's too much of a trouble to censor his profanities, Rufus...well, he doesn't want to participate since the drive is against his company, and Vincent scares the little kids away.

Barret: What about you?

Cloud: (frowns) I'm the director. I can do anything I want. (glances at script) So anyway, as I was saying...Kids do you remember what the name of Barret's dog is?

Kids: Foo'!

(Red XIII suddenly appears onto the scene)

Red XIII: What ever am I doing here in a TV Show?

Cloud: Aaah...Foo'! The lovable blue-

Red XIII: You can plainly see that I am red.

Cloud: Er...red dog-

Red XIII: Dog is an understatement. I am a canine of the highest caliber with a few feline abilities and a superior brain. I am one of the-

Barret: Dis ain't no Discovery Channel, foo'!

Red XIII: (glare) I was merely pointing it out to Cloud that-

Cloud: -RED CANINE CREATURE!!!

(silence)

Cloud: Good. So anyway, the lovable RED CANINE CREATURE that we all love to guess what he wants to say.

Red XIII: I am starving. My hunger needs to be sated.

Cloud: (whispers) Psst! Barret! It's your cue.

Barret: I ain't talking'.

Cloud: (frowns) Why not?

Barret: I ain't doin' no <beep>in' kiddie show. Go find Vincent. He's be good wid kids.

Cloud: (narrows eyes) Barret, if you don't do as I say, you'll have to face the consequences. (whistles) Oh rabid fan~girls! (sound of crickets chirping in the background) Fangirls? (glances around) Hey, no fangirls? Oh well, we'll just have to settle for an alternative. (whistles) Oh yaoi~boys...

(a stampede of hentai guys rushes into the set)

Guy 1: Oh Barret, you're so muscular...

Guy 2: Oooh, it's actually Barret Wallace! (glomps Barret, as do several other guys)

Barret: (squirming in agony) Eeeewww...you be gettin' away! I'm not bein' <beep>in' bisexual like you foo's. Hey, don't you be touchin' me there! HEEEEEEEEELLLLPPPPP!!! I'm sorry, Cloud! I'll be doin' anythin'. ANYTHIN'!

(guys disappear as Cloud snaps fingers)

Cloud: Okay, read the script.

Barret: Umm...hey, what is Foo' be tryin' to tell us?

Red XIII: I'm hungry.

Barret: (ignores Red) Le's try to be guessin' what he wants by followin' "Foo's Clues". Hey, what kind of <beep>y name is dat?

Cloud: Get on with it.

Barret: (scans rest of the script) What da <beep>?! I'm supposed ta...(gulp) SING?!

(Cloud nods head, then places two fingers in his mouth, ready to whistle. Barret pulls at his collar nervously, suddenly feeling hot in the awful green shirt he was forced to wear)

Barret: (background music could be heard) We gonna find a pawprint. Dat's da first clue. We be puttin' it in a notebook, now what we do? (twirls around) Foo's Clues, Foo's Clues. (Red dances in the background)

Cloud: (grimaces at Barret's horribly off-key voice) Um...you can move on to the next scene now.

(Barret walks-no, more like lumbers- to the kitchen, where a can opener with a huge red pawprint is on the table. Behind him, Red follows)

Kids: A clue! A clue!

Barret: Ah, SHUT UP! Who's actin' HERE?

(kids tremble in fear, some even start to cry)

Cloud: (large sweatdrop) Um...Barret, that's their script.

Barret: (sees can opener clue) Ah, what da <beep>! It's a <beep>in' clue.

A Kid: It's a can opener. (shuts mouth at Barret's glare)

Barret: I know a <beep> can opener when I see one. (glances at script) Urk! Um...le's bring out our handy-dandy (retch retch) notebook!

Red XIII: But I'm hungry. Just get me something to eat.

(Barret ignores him, he's too busy trying to draw a can opener using a really short pencil on a tiny sketchpad)

(Fifteen minutes pass. Some of the kids are asleep)

Cloud: (sweatdrop) Um, Barret, what's taking you so long?

Barret: I be tryin' ta draw a <beep> can opener. (shows an unintelligible set of lines and swirls to the camera) There!

Red XIII: Drawing a "can opener" on a notebook isn't going to appease my hunger.

Barret: Shu' up! An' why are you talkin', Foo'? You're supposed ta be a <beep> dog.

Red XIII: I'm not a dog. I'm a- (catches Cloud's glare from the side) Fine! Ruff, ruff, bow wow.

(They both head to the living room, where a pawprinted can of dog food is lying on the floor)

Kids: A clue! A clue!

Barret: I KNOW!!! (picks up the can) D-O-G F-O-O-D.

Red XIII: (makes a face) Eeewww...

Cloud: (sighs as Barret attempts to sketch the can) We'll be right back after these messages.

(Tifa's face suddenly fills the screen)

Tifa: (taps video cam) Is this thing on? Oh, I see. What? Step back? Why? Oh. (steps back and smiles at the camera) Hi, do you want to save the Planet? You don't need to be a superhero. All you have to do is join GROSS, or the Get Rid Of Shinra Sweepstakes. Your money will really help the AVALANCHE in their campaign to get rid of Shinra.

(a picture of Rufus with a bright red X on his face appears on the screen)

Voice: Hey! How dare you demean the face and reputation of President Rufus!

(Turks barge into the set)

Tifa: What the-?! You're not supposed to be here!

Rude: Hey, it's Tifa. (eyes glaze over in admiration) *drool drool*

Reno: (steps forward and grabs Tifa's wrist) You are under arrest for establishing an illegal campaign against President Rufus. (doubles over as Tifa kicks his groin) OWWW!!!

Elena: (whips out materia) Take this! (cast Mini on Tifa, but misses and hits her halter top instead <===FalconIce and LavenderRose's idea)

Tifa: (chokes as the halter top shrinks and cuts off her air supply) Can't...breathe...ack... (goes through the entire color spectrum, and faints)

Reno: (gets up and walks to the cam) Ain't I devilishly handsome? (smashes the lens)

(screen goes static, then reverts to Foo's Clues)

Cloud: (blink blinking at the TV in the backstage) Gasp...Tifa!

Barret: (meanwhile, on the thinking chair) Can opener, dog food, dog dish...can opener, dog food, dog dish...<Beep>! What does it be meanin'?

Cloud: (regains composure) Hey! What are you doing there? You haven't found the third clue yet!

Barret: I did! It was a <beep> dog dish. (gazes at the cam in realization) Oh, you mean dat wasn't on the air? <Beep>.

Red XIII: I'm still hungry.

Barret: Why didn't ya say so in da first place?

(Red facefaults)

Cloud: (shakes head sadly) Just go and sing the ending song.

Barret: Now it's time fer so long, but we be singin' jes one more song. Thanks fer doin' yer part, you sure are bein' smart. You know wid me and you, and my dog, Foo', we can do...

(Turks rush onto the set)

Reno: Stop! You're all under arrest for promoting the campaign that was against Rufus!

Sephiroth: (suddenly materializes out of nowhere) Mwa ha ha ha ha! Cloud! Give me the Black Materia!

Cloud: (hypnotized) Yes, O Handsome Ultra-Powerful Omnipotent One.

Vincent: Sephiroth! Stop! Do not make me commit yet another sin!

Rufus: (sees his crossed-out picture on one of the walls) Eeewww, how dare you choose this ugly picture for my campaign. I have a better one at the HQ. You should have just asked.

Aeris: (wanders in) The Planet loves everyone! It loves you...it loves me. It loves the birds and the bees and the Chocobos...(<===idea by LavenderRose)

Tifa: (crawls onto the set) Air...a...a...air...

Cid: (crashes the Highwind onto the set) Hot damn! Why the #@$#^%* did you forget all about me?

Yuffie: (sneaks in and sics the yaoi-boys on Barret)

Barret: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!! (voice fades away as he is engulfed by the throbbing mass)

(cam focuses on Red XIII, who is happily muching away on some food in the background, despite the chaos all around him)

Red XIII: You know, dog food isn't bad at all.

END.

AUTHOR'S NOTES:
1. The concept of Blue's Clues is property of Nickelodeon. FF7 characters are part of Squaresoft Ltd.
2. Some of the ideas here are from FalconIce and LavenderRose. Thanks!
3. No animals and children were harmed in any way in the making of Foo's Clues (except for Tifa, I guess, but she couldn't be considered a "child", so I guess it's okay).