Rufus' Directorial Debut

 by Angie Cipranio (chibikitty1@hotmail.com)

 

Rufus: Are all of you ready?

Reno: No. I’m SOOOO sick of listening to you...

Rufus: Hey! No one asked you. 

Cloud: How much are we getting for this?

Rufus: A lot more than Reno.

Cait: Do I get paid extra if something bad happens to me? You know, like some sort of insurance?

Rufus: I don’t think so... unless Reno did it, then the money comes out of his own pocket.

Reno: *grumble*

Rufus: ::looks at list:: Well, everyone’s here... except... where’s Vincent?

Aeris: He’s still asleep.

Cloud: I thought you woke him up?

Aeris: I thought I did too. 

Reno: *sighs* I’ll get him.

Cloud: I wouldn’t if I were you... ::Reno leaves the room and everybody hears him knocking on the door and several gunshots. Reno runs back into the room and slams door::

Reno: *pants* He’s up.

Vincent: ::enters room and sees everyone looking at him:: What? ::looks behind him at the bullet holes in the wall:: Oh. Sorry. *yawns* 

Rufus: Ready? Places everyone! ::everyone stands there:: Hurry up and find your stuff, Reno. We haven’t got all day.

Reno: ::shuffles through papers:: Is the camera on?

Rufus: It’s been on.

Reno: What?

Rufus: START!!!

Reno: ::sweat drop:: Uh... long long ago, in a far away place, there lived-

Rufus: Reno, this isn’t a fairy tale.

Reno: Fine. Ahem. Once upon a time- 

Cid: Oh, come on, can’t you do better than that? What kind of idiots would read this piece of $#!+???

Reno: Shutup, Cid! Anyway, there was this little spiky-haired freak named Cloud.

Cloud: Don’t make fun of my hair!

Reno: And he lived with all his friends. Then this little brat named Yuffie stole all his Materia.

Cloud: Hey!

Yuffie: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Cloud: That’s not fair!

Yuffie: Who ever said life was fair? You spiky-haired freak. 

Cloud: Leave my hair alone! My hair's a lot cooler then yours!

Yuffie: Your hair looks like a weed patch!

Reno: Yuffie put all his Materia in a big bag. 

Yuffie: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Reno: ::evil smile:: Then the double crossing little sneak gives all her stuff to this guy named Sephiroth.

Yuffie: Ha ha ha h- SEPHIROTH?!?

Reno: Yes, Sephiroth.

Yuffie: But... why?

Reno: ::another evil smile:: Because I’m sick of you.

Yuffie: You... you... JERK!!!

Reno: Oh, you wanna play that way, huh? Okay then, Sephiroth takes Yuffie for a hostage.

Yuffie: ::sticks tongue out at Reno::

Reno: Then she pisses him off so he rips off her head and sticks it on a pike.

Yuffie: ::sweat drop:: NO!!!

Reno: Then be nice.

Yuffie: Fine...

Reno: Seph then takes the bag and hides it in his hideout. 

Seph: ::poofs in:: When do I get paid?

Rufus: You get paid after you do your parts.

Seph: When’s that?

Rufus: Whenever you’re gonna do your parts!

Seph: Geez... grouch... Hey Cait Sith, I hope you’re not making dinner tonight.

Cait: Why? Just because it didn’t agree with your stomach...

Tifa: It didn’t agree with anyone’s stomach.

Cloud: You don’t remember? I threw up all over the floor.

Tifa: We made Cid clean it up...

Cid: You can clean up your own puke next time!

Rufus: Wait a minute! Who said you could socialize? You’re wastingmy film!

Seph: So? ::draws Masamune::

Rufus: ::sweat drop:: Uh... never mind...

Seph: That’s what I thought.

Cait: But I thought you guys LIKED my cooking.

Cid: Yeah. Right. 

Tifa: Don’t put raw squid in the casserole.

Seph: ::holds stomach:: Just thinking about it makes my tummy hurt... ::groans:: I want my mommy...

Cid: Awww... little Sephy needs his mommy... *laughs* Little baby Sephy’s got a tummy ache... *laughs harder*

Reno: Evil people don’t need their mommies. You never hear anything about MY mommy.

Seph: You’re not evil! You wouldn’t know! 

Reno: AM SO!!! I've got a nightstick and EVERYTHING!

Seph: Whatever.

Cid: *still laughing* 

Seph: LEAVE ME ALONE!!! ::pokes Cid in the chest with his Masamune::

Cid: *tries very hard not to laugh*

Seph: ::grabs bag from Yuffie:: It’s so hard to be evil when you have a tummy ache... *sighs* I’ll be in my hideout if anyone wants me. ::poofs out::

Cloud: That’s great. How are we suppose to get all of our Materia back?

Reno: Uh... ::turns to camera:: Cloud got everybody together so they can find out what to do next. 

Cloud: Why?

Reno: Cause I can’t think of anything.

::Everyone’s talking at the table::

Cloud: Any ideas on how to get all our Materia back?

Cait: Why don’t we go and buy some?

Tifa: Cait, we don’t have any money.

Cait: Is that so? Why not???

Cid: You gambled it all away, $#!+head!

Cait: ::sweat drop:: Oh, that’s right...

Cid: I say we get that son-of-a-whatchamcallit Sephiroth and tie his skinny little ass to a pole and... and...

Cait: ::stands on chair and pounds on table:: SQUISH HIM!!!

Cid: Yeah, that’s it! Squish the little bastard! *evil laugh*

Aeris: Uh, guys, it wasn’t really Seph’s fault.

Cid: So... you’re saying that he ‘accidentally’ took our damn Materia. Nope, he didn’t grab the bag from Yuffie on purpose, it was an ACCIDENT. Ha. Right.

Aeris: No, that’s not what I meant! Who let him take the Materia?

Tifa: Yuffie?

::Everyone turns to Yuffie who has her skinny little fingers trapped in one of those Chinese finger traps::

Cloud: ::pissed:: Yuffie!!! ::slams big buff sword down the middle of the middle of the finger trap and cuts it in half::

Yuffie: EEEP! Y-y-yes? ::sweat drop::

Cloud: That’s better. 

Aeris: It’s not her fault either! Who made her take the Materia in the first place?

Cait: Reno?

::Everyone looks for Reno but Reno wisely took this time for a trip to the bathroom::

Cloud: We still don’t have any ideas. Vincent, you’ve been quiet all day. Do you have anything to share with us?

Cid: You sound like my first grade teacher.

Vincent: ::looking really sleepy:: I’m tired. I wanna go back to bed. 

Tifa: Hey, guys, this might sound off the wall but why don’t we go look for it?

Cloud: Sounds good. What do you think, Vince?

Vince: Will you leave me alone? I just wanna go back to sleep...

Cloud: It’s five in the afternoon.

Vince: So? Why don’t you try sleeping next to Cid? He has a snoring problem. *yawns*

Cid: Yeah? Well you talk in your sleep! 

Vince: ::pissed:: It least I don’t sound like a freakin’ elephant!

Cid: Who said I did?!?

Cait: Me! I can hear you through the walls! A whole herd of elephants! Trumpeting, thundering, 

Vince: And that smell...

Vince and Cait: ELEPHANTS!!!

Aeris: OKAY! We get the picture!!!

Vince: I’m still tired.

Cid: Well, go back to sleep, you freakin’ baby.

Vince: Don’t mind if I do. ::leaves::

Aeris: Uh... what did we decide to do?

Rufus: Find your stuff.

Reno: ::comes back into room::

Cloud: But it could be anywhere!

Reno: It’s in a forest.

Aeris: What forest??

Reno: The one on an island.

Cloud and Aeris: Which island?!?

Reno: The big one!!!

:: Everyone gets fed up with Reno so they leave him at the place they were staying at and use the Highwind to get one some island::

Yuffie: Except for Vince who’s asleep on the couch with his teddybear.

Vince: Hey!!! BRAT!!!

Cid: Ha! Little Vinny needs his teddybear!

Vince: SHUTUP, YOU CIGARETTE SMOKING ADDICT!

Cid: See if I invite you to my next party.

Reno: Cid! Be quiet! Ahem- everyone looks around and realizes that they shouldn’t have left me behind because I know where Seph is!

Yuffie: How’d you get here?

Reno: I hitchhiked. 

Yuffie: Oh.

Reno: You guys look kinda lost, so I’ll help you out. Seph’s in a cave.

Cait: A cave?

Reno: Yeah, a cave.

Tifa: What cave?

Reno: Actually, it’s kind of a hole.

Tifa: What hole? I don't see any ho-AAAAAAAH!!! ::splat::

Cait: Splat?

Vince: Tifa? Are you- Reno, I’m suppose to be asleep.

Cid: With your teddybear.

Vince: Shutup about the teddybear! Thumbsucker!

Cid: THUMBSUCKER!!! WHY YOU LITTLE...

Reno: CID!!! ::turns to Vince:: You were... uh.. sleepwalking. Yeah! That’s it! Sleepwalking!

Vince: *sighs* Tifa, you’re okay, right? Cause if you are, I can go back to bed.

Tifa: Yeah, I guess... I landed on some sort of a... yuck! Who put the cake here? Someone musta been having a picnic or something... I'm gonna have to change my pants. ::puts someone's sweater around waist:: *sniff* Hey! Seph’s down here! *sniff* I can smell his aftershave!

Reno: So everyone jumps down the hole except for smart people who use the stairs, a.k.a., Vincent and Aeris...

Cloud: Why don't I get to use the stairs? 

Reno: I told Rude to push you down the stairs. You'd break your ankle. 

Cloud: So? I could break my freakin’ ankle jumping! ::whispers:: Besides, I’m afraid of heights. Why not use the stairs?

Reno: You’re a daredevil and a showoff, that’s why. 

Cloud: No I’m not!

Reno: Okay, we’ll compromise. You jump down the ledge, you break your ankle. You go down the stairs, Rude pushes you and you fall down the stairs and break your ankle. Which would you rather do? 

Cloud: Neither.

Reno: Then do what I say. 

Cloud: Moron. ::closes eyes and jumps down hole:: 

Reno: See? That wasn't so hard.

Cloud: Leave me alone. 

Rufus: Rude isn't even here.

Cloud: So he made me jump down for nothing?

Aeris: It's over with Cloud! Forget it! ::turns to Reno:: Now what?

Reno: Uh, hold on.... 

Rufus: What is it?

Reno: Um... ::shuffles through papers:: We... seem to be having some, uh, technical difficulties. 

Rufus: Oh, no, whatcha do this time?

Tifa: Reno...

Reno: ::shuffles some more:: I can’t find the other half of the script...

Cait: We have a script?

Cid: THAT’S IT!! I’M LEAVING!!!

Rufus: No! You can’t leave! What about the contract...

Cid: F*** THE DAMN CONTRACT! I’M GOING HOME NOW! ::finds stairs and goes back up to the Highwind::


Rufus: ...

Cait: You’re just gonna let him leave? Not that I care and all, in fact the air smells a lot clearer when he’s not here with that dumb cigarette, but the Highwind’s the only way to get off this island.

Reno: Nah. He’ll be back. 

Rufus: He'd better be back. 

Cid: ::stomps down stairs:: RENO!!! WHERE THE HELL DID YOU PUT THE DAMN KEYS???

Reno: ::smiles wickedly and dangles the keys in front of Cid’s nose::

Cid: Gimmie those!!! ::tries to grab keys but Reno hides them behind his back::

Cait: ::glances at watch:: Can we hurry up? My television show’s about to start.

Cloud: We were about to go in, right?

Reno: Yeah. The door has a combination lock. I know it... ::looks at Rufus who’s raising his gun:: ...but Rufus says I can’t help you anymore so you hafta get the combination from Vince. ::Rufus smiles and puts gun down::

Cloud: And why Vince?

Reno: Cause he has this thing with combination locks and he’s the only person that Rufus told.

Yuffie: Where is Vince anyway?

Vince: ::sitting in corner of the stairs asleep:: Zzzzz...

Cloud: Great. This is just wonderful.

Aeris: Who volunteers to wake him up?

::everyone looks at each other::

Aeris: Anyone???

::crickets chirping::

Aeris: What about you, Yuffie?

Yuffie: No way! You know how grumpy he is when you wake him up! 

Cait: Yeah! ::does impression of Vince when someone wakes him up:: Growl! Hiss!

Aeris: Oh, come on, he's not like that.

Yuffie: Yeah. He's even worse.

Cid: All in favor of leaving Vince?

Cloud: Uh, well... he is our friend...

Aeris: I don’t know... aren’t people who like him gonna get mad if we ditch him?

Tifa: I don’t mind. He’s just gonna complain the whole time. 

Cait: Yeah! Let’s get this over with! ::glances at watch:: My TV show... *sob*

Rufus: We’re probably running out of tape. You know how much tape costs these days!

Cid: Good! Lets go!

Reno: Well, might as well... ::unlocking combination lock:: So.. uh.. they go into the cave, I guess, and they find... ::opens door,Red XIII and Barett are sitting on a couch in front of a television eating popcorn::

Yuffie: Popcorn! ::grabs the whole bowl and wolfs it down::

Barett: Hey!

Cloud: Barett? Red XIII? What are you doing here?

Red: We’re recording Monday night football for Seph. 

Tifa: Here?

Barett: He went to the hospital. Said something about his stomach and Cait’s cooking.

Cait: I know, I know...

Red: He told me to tell you that he wanted me to give you this. ::hands Cloud a letter::

Cloud: ::opens letter, looks at it, turns it sideways, scratches his head, turns it upside down, squints at it, gets his glasses, turns it around and then throws it on the table:: Can anyone read this sloppy hand writing?

Red: That's good that you can't read it. That’s from my aunt. ::hands Cloud a pretty pink letter covered in roses::

Cloud: Are you sure this is from Seph?

Red: How could you forget it? 

Cloud: True... ::opens it and reads out loud what it says in purple ink:: "Cait Sith, you’re paying my hospital bill."

Cait: *groan*

Barett: Hey! What’s he doing here?

Reno: Me? I’m the narrator.

Barett: Oh. I thought you were replacing Vincent.

Vince: ::storms in:: No one’s replacing me! Especially some Shinra jerk!

Cid: Damn, you woke up on the wrong end of the stairs...

Vince: Shutup, you freakin’ elephant!

Cid: ......

Vince: I’ll be in Seph’s hot tub if anyone wants me. ::leaves down the hall::

::silence::

Reno: Well, that was, uh, interesting.

Cloud: What so we do now, oh fearless narrator?

Reno: I don’t know! I lost the script!

Tifa: If you don’t remember how we get our Materia back...

Cloud: I’m gonna make you into a rug! ::pulls out big buff sword::

Reno: I don’t... ::sees Cloud’s sword:: I mean, I DO know how we get it back... uh... sorta...

Cid: Forget it... was Seph carrying around a crappy looking bag?

Red: He had one but I think he took it with him.

Yuffie: Where’s the cookie jar?

Barett: I don’t think he has any cookies.

Yuffie: I want cookies!

Aeris: You had cookies yesterday! You got sick, you ate so many!

Yuffie: *gag* Cait made them.

Aeris: Oh. Forget it then.

Yuffie: Besides, Seph makes these chocolate chip cookies that are to DIE for. SO much better than Cait’s.

Cait: Rub it in, why don’t you!

Yuffie: ::finds cook book:: Here it is! ::copies recipe and laughs wickedly::

Cid: I heard he has a closet full of evil looking clothes.

Red: Try in there. ::points at closet::

Cid: ::opens closet:: Whoa! What kind of a fruit is he??? ::takes out and holds up silvery dress:: I couldn’t even wear this. He’s too freakin’ skinny!

Reno: You would WANT to wear something like that?

Cid: ::sweat drop:: No! I mean, if I really wanted to... what I’m trying to say is, if I was gonna be wearing this $#!+ for some gay party... ::looks at everyone looking back at him strangely, another sweatdrop:: Um...

Rufus: What a moron. ::laughs:: What a cross-dressing moron.

Cid: When did I ever say I was a cross-dresser??? All I said was I can’t fit into a size 14 dress!!! I wear a size 16!!! ::more strange looks at Cid:: Geez! Never mind! ::plays with dress::

::silence:: 

Red: You’d look ugly in a dress. 

Cait: You look ugly in everything.

Cid: I said never mind, dammit!

Seph: ::materializes in middle of room:: I’m back! Did the tape come out okay?

Red: Yeah.

Seph: Yay! ::takes tape out of VCR and hugs it::

Cloud: *whispering* Uh, Cid, I think you had better put that away.

Seph: Huh? ::turns around and notices closet open and Cid holding dress. Cid tries to hide dress behind his back:: What the hell do you think you’re doing???

Cid: Oops... ::drops dress and runs for the hallway, Seph runs after him with Masamune. Everybody hears slashing noises and Cid whining. Seph comes back into the room with a smile on his face::

Reno: Hey, nice dress.

Seph: ::looks at dress on the ground:: Why is this thing out? I mean... ::sweat drop:: ahem... whose is this? ::picks up dress with Masamune and throws it across the room::

Cait: Cid was screwing around in your closet.

Reno: He likes that one. You think you could lend it to him sometime?

Seph: *grumble* No, he’d stretch the fabric. Here, I don’t even know why I took this. I don’t need it. ::throws bag of Materia at Cloud::

Cloud: Thanks, I guess. 

Tifa: So we can go home now?

Reno: Yep.

Cait: You made me miss my television show. *sob*

Cid: ::stumbles out of hallway looking all beat up:: Man! I feel like I got run over by a freakin’ Shinra truck. 

Vince: ::follows Cid:: You probably deserved it.

Seph: He tried to take my dress!

Vince: Ah. I see... your... DRESS. *chuckles* 

Seph: Aw... not you too...

Vince: Wait until I tell your mommy. *laughs*

Seph: What is with you people??? Leave my dress alone!!!

Vince: So you admit it?

Seph: Just... just forget about it.

Vince: *laughs*

Seph: Stop it!!! ::pulls out Masamune and pokes Vince in the arm::

Vince: Hey!!! ::pulls out pistol::

Cloud: WILL YOU PEOPLE CUT IT OUT?!?

Vince: ::sweat drop:: 

Seph: Hey, he started it.

Rufus: Do the ending part, Reno. Unless you lost that too???

Reno: Alrighty. So everybody goes back to Cid’s plane but Cloud has to fly it because Cid’s in a body cast. 

Cid: Very funny. Hardy har har. 

Reno: And they make a lot of money off of Seph’s chocolate chip cookies.

Yuffie: Yuffie's Great Cookie Company. Cool!

Seph: No! That’s not fair! That's MINE!!!

Yuffie: ::raspberry at Seph::

Reno: And they use the money to pay certain people’s hospital bills and for Cait’s cooking lessons.

Cait: I’m not THAT bad a cook!

Tifa: Yes you are. You’ve just never had the guts to taste your own cooking.

Cait: I’ve eaten my own food!

Cloud: Uh huh. Then why did you order Chinese take out yesterday?

Cait: ::sweat drop:: Uh... cause I felt like it!

Rufus: Actually I’ll let you on a little secret. I screwed your food up.

Cait: You WHAT?!?

Rufus: I had to make people hate you somehow.

Cait: SEE??? I AM a good cook! It’s RUFUS who sucks!

Rufus: Now, just a minute...

Cait: RUFUS SUCKS! HE’S A WORSE COOK THAN I AM!!!

Rufus: Cait...

Cait: I BETCHA HE CAN’T EVEN MAKE TOAST!

Rufus: ::gets pissed and kicks Cait off his moogle and sends him flying across Highwind. His moogle goes running after him:: Like I was saying...

Vince: Did I finally get a good night’s sleep? Since Cid’s in a body cast and all.

Reno: Yeah, I guess. But his snoring echoes in his cast. 

Vince: Um.... did he have to stay in the hospital?

Reno: I don’t think so...

Vince: Man! Never mind! ::grabs Reno’s night stick and smacks Reno on the head with it::

Reno: Owww! ::rubs head:: Man, you hit hard. 

Cid: Yeah. Isn't he such a jerk?

Vince: ::gets really fed up with Cid and grabs him by the collar and tries to throw him off the Highwind::

Cid: ::hanging on to the railing for dear life:: Noooo! You can't do this! Espically to some guy in a body cast!

Vince: You hang on awfully well for a guy in a body cast now that you mention it.

Tifa: Vincent! Cut it out!

Vince: Then make him shut up.

Tifa: You people are so immature!

Cid: ::from over the railing:: Yeah, Vincent! You're so immature!

Vince: Me? Immature??? Nah. ::prys Cid's fingers off the railing and Cid falls::

Tifa: CID!!! ::runs to railing and sees Cid hanging desperately on a tree:: Vincent, get a rope.

Vince: But...

Tifa: NOW!!!

Vince: Geez! Alright already! ::goes to find rope::

Cloud: ::clutches bag of Materia:: I hope you don’t makes us do that again.

Reno: If Rufus says so, then yes.

Rufus: Uh, I’m sorry to break this to you guys, but the camera didn’t have film. I know I should have told you all earlier, but it was getting interesting...

::everyone looks at each other, gives angry looks to Rufus and throw stuff at him and he jumps off the edge of the ship. They then chase Reno off the Highwind and leave them and Cid stranded on the island::

Cid: Why me??? Stuck on an island with those two numskulls!

Rufus: Live with it. We have to be stuck with you and that cigarette of yours!

Reno: Hey! Did you know that when you hit your head with a coconut it sounds hollow?

Rufus: ::smiling:: It's your head, Reno.

Cid: How come I didn't get picked up?

::Vince didn't find a rope and they wanted to go home and catch the reruns of Cait's show before he starts complaining again::

Cid: Since when does Cait rule the damn world?!?

Cait: ::voice over:: Since now!!!

Cid: Well they better come and pick me up then!

Vince: I don't think so.

Cid: How did YOU get here?

Vince: Why do you care? I forgot my gun.

Reno: Is this it? ::picks up gun and it goes off and hits a tree::

Rufus: DAMMIT RENO! YOU WANT US ALL KILLED???

Reno: No...

Vince: I wouldn't mind it. ::grabs gun and starts to fly away::

Cid: What about me???

Vince: We all decided we wanted you to have some vacation time. You're too mean.

Cid: But... ::Vince flies out of sight:: dammit.

Reno: Hey! Look! CAKE! YUMMY! Looks squished though. ::sticks finger in icing and tastes it:: Strawberry! Cool!

Rufus: *sighs* Well, it looks like we're gonna be stuck here for a while... *singing* 9,999 bottles of beer on the wall, 9,999 bottles of beer...

Reno: *singing off key with a mouthful of cake* You take one down, and pass it around...

Cid: AHHHHHHH!

The End