"...But WHY...?" Reno whimpered in the most dejected voice he could
muster, hoping to receive some sympathy from the president of ShinRa. Hah.
Unlikely, he thought. Still, it was always worth a try. He and his
co-worker, also his best friend, Rude, stood before their President in the
spacious office.
"You heard me. You two are becoming sloppy, and I'm not referring to your
attire," Rufus replied from his desk, slightly motioning to Reno's rumpled
blue suit. "To my knowledge, it's because of your heavy drinking."
"But we've been boozing ever since we were hired!" Reno's previously
dejected voice rose to a pathetic whine. Sure, he was a tough guy in a fight,
but... to have his hobby of drinking all night slip from his grasp? No. That
would be his reason to live going down the drain.
"Maybe so, Reno. However, it was never to excess."
Heheh... If only you knew, Rufie-boy. If only you knew..., Rude thought
to himself as his mouth twisted into a small grin and he nodded slightly to
accentuate his amusement.
"Uh..." Rufus eyed the bald man suspiciously for a moment. "Let
me rephrase that. In the past, you never drank enough to *hinder* your train of
thought and actions significantly." He then smirked self-assuredly to
himself and looked back at Rude. Now, let's see what he has to say to
*that*...
.. And yes, Rude's expression *had* changed; his grin had grown considerably
larger as he stood before the blond man, smiling like an idiot. Obviously,
thoughts of past chaotic bar visits were running through his mind.
Thoroughly irritated, Rufus looked back to Reno, who, in turn, was pouting for
his alcohol as a baby would for candy.
"Rufus, you've gotta admit that we did a pretty damn good job with the
disposal of Corneo at Wutai...! ESPECIALLY considering that we were on vacation
at the time!!!" Reno plastered a sly grin on his face, thinking his
argument would actually bring him and Rude praise.
"Hm... Yes, I suppose. Hearing of that whoremonger's death *did* bring me a
split-second of amusement, especially after finding that you killed that
unarmed, hilariously obese man AFTER Avalanche disposed of his summoned demon. I
must say, bravo." Not noting the heavy sarcasm in the President's voice,
Reno just grinned like a moron, as Rude was... also grinning like a moron,
thinking of the time Reno had plastered himself with thirty-eight shots and
gaily pranced around a full bar, claiming to be a faerie... "... But then
there's the fact that you WEREN'T ON VACATION AT THE TIME. Your mission WAS to
kill Corneo, FOOLS!"
"Wh, wha...?" Reno stuttered and blinked, extremely confused.
"But we went to the bar right away... We thought it was just a fun little
trip... Hey, Elena even thought so!"
"MORON! You probably waltzed into Wutai ready to do your jobs, but shoved
all thoughts of the mission out of your minds once you saw the bar!"
"Heheh... True, true..." Rude mumbled, finally returning his attention
to the conversation... which resulted in an elbow to his ribs. "... Ow,
hey..."
"Dammit, Rude, SHUT UP," Reno hissed.
"... And then there's the fact that
Elena didn't know it was a mission because it was part of her TRAINING to see if
she'd actually do anything on 'vacation' with the knowledge that Corneo was to
be assassinated... And YOU were her instructors, but it's funny how she still
managed to get captured..."
"Hah... Heheh, yeah..." Reno laughed, idly scratching the back of his
head as Rude chuckled in the background.
"..." Rufus, finally unable to withstand the idiocy of his employees,
stood and slammed his palms onto the surface of his desk. Hard. "No, it's
NOT funny! The rule stays; no alcohol twenty-four hours BEFORE or DURING
missions. Now this discussion os OVER." At that, he calmly sat back down
and continued the paperwork he'd been filling out before he'd been disturbed by
the two Turks, who were still grumbling in his office.
"Um... Rufus, we can explain..." Reno quietly said, hoping to continue
the conversation.
Silence.
"I mean, if you'd let us redeem ourselves..." Rude added weakly,
attempting to assist his friend.
Only the rustling of papers could be heard.
Reno, never satisfied until he got his way, whispered a 'bright idea' that was
supposed to get Rufus' attention into his buddy's ear...
... And then broke out into a song (with his voice incredibly out of tune, not
to mention...).
(Sung to the tune of "Sober," by Tool)
Reno
The ShinRa prez is watching me,
Watching every drink I take.
Telling me to train the rookie,
Ruining vacations for me.
Rude
Telling me to stop my boozing
When it's time to do my duty,
Thinking my work will be sloppy
Though I fight much better stoned.
Reno & Rude
Rufus, won't you just go shove it;
Let us drink our alcohol? ( x2 )
Why can't we not be sober?
We can handle hangovers.
Why can't we drink forever?
We're used to the hangovers.
Reno
I'm a drunken nightstick user.
Rude
I'm a drunken wax consumer.
Rufus
I am represented by you;
Drunks don't scare the populace.
Reno
I do know my drinking limit.
Fifty shots and I'm out cold.
Rude
I deserve a break from working-
Getting plastered in Wutai.
Reno & Rude
Rufus, won't you loosen up?
See how great bars really are. ( x2 )
Why can't we not be sober?
We can handle hangovers.
Prez, want to drink together?
You'll get used to hangovers.
Reno
I'm a drunken nightstick user.
Rude
I'm a drunken wax consumer.
Rufus
I'm still represented by you.
Drunks don't scare the populace.
Reno
I do know my drinking limit.
Fifty shots and I'm out cold.
Reno & Rude
Trust us. ( x5 )
Why can't we not be sober?
We can handle hangovers.
Why can't we drink forever?
We're used to the hangovers.
We want alcohol... ( x4 )
Rufus only gazed, seemingly bored, at the
two singing Turks with a gleam of anger in his eyes and annoyance manifest on
his face.
"... We want... alcohol," they were finishing.
"... And do you WANT to keep your jobs!? If so, it'd be in your best
interest to GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE RIGHT THIS INSTANT," Rufus
roared, angry enough to have tossed the Turks out of his office himself.
With small squeaks of protest, the two others scurried out. They knew when they
had crossed the line.
* * *
After reaching a safe distance away from
their president, the two depressed Turks trudged warily along the road.
"Damn... That didn't work out at all," Reno groaned, his hands buried
in his pockets and shoulders hunched. "Rufus is going to give me nightmares
tonight. Shit! Right when we've got a mission tomorrow, too..."
"Well, we could always get plastered at the nearest bar. That usually
knocks you out within a couple hours," Rude suggested.
The red-head immediately brightened up at this thought and he enthusiastically
smacked his friend on the back. "RIGHT! Dammit, Rude, you come up with the
greatest ideas! C'MON!" He took a hold of the bald man's arm and the two
hurried off to the nearest alcohol dealer...
Apparently, old habits are hard to break.
Author's Note:
Originally, this was just supposed to be the song itself, but, well...
Obviously, stupid ideas just love infesting my mind! ... Oh, well.. Hope you
enjoyed!!!
Disclaimer: Yep, it's at the end, this time... Just the name of
the fic already foreshadowed the song, and I didn't want to ruin it anymore...
Anyway, all characters are property of Squaresoft. "Sober" belongs to
Tool and the companies affiliated with them. By the way, I'm not trying to
insult Tool, or anything.. I love them! ... As well as Reno, of course. Reno's
great, after all.