Warped Wardrobe
(There was a flash of blinding light. Then everything went dark)
Cloud: (glancing around) "Hey! What the hell? It's so dark in here!"
Tifa: (grabs his muscled arm) "Cloud, I'm so scared! And my clothes are still too tight."
Cloud: "Don't worry, Tifa. I'll be here to protect you."
Barret: (bumps into them while walking blindly in the dark) "Foo'! Get outta my way!"
Cloud: "Barret! You're here!"
Cid: "#@!$@#*&#! Where's my tea?! Where's my @#!$@#@ tea?!"
Yuffie: "Oooooooh...it's so dark in here."
Aeris: "The Planet! AAGH! I can't hear it anymore!"
Vincent: (bumps into someone knee-high) "..."
Red XIII: "Vincent! Move! My tail's burning your cloak. It's catching fire!"
Vincent: (glances at blazing cloak languidly) "..."
(Now that there's a little light in the room, the FF7 cast notices that there are several inert forms on the ground near them. One of them gets up)
Squall: "What the-?"
Rinoa: "Squall! Help me up!" (Squall helps her up) "What's going on?"
Zell: "Nooooooo! My hotdog! I left it in our world!"
Irvine: (notices a hump below him) "Huh?" (sees clump of hair and pulls it up)
Selphie: "Ow! Ow! My hair! You're ruining the flipped-up ends!"
Quistis: "Hello?"
Seifer: "Hey, that guy's cloak is on fire! BWA HAHAHAHAHA! That's so funny!"
Cloud: "Who are you guys and what are you doing here?"
Headmaster Cid: "Squall, what is the meaning of this?"
Rufus: (suddenly appears) "It's Cloud! Kill him!" (orders to invisible army)
Cid: "@#$#!@#, Rufus. Your #$@$!@# army is back at @#!@$!#$@ Junon. This is another @#$!##!@# place."
Rufus: (blink blink)
Rinoa: (in a whiny voice) Squall, what should we do?
Squall: "..."
Vincent: (scowls) Hey, that's my line.
Squall: (draws out gunblade) Oh yeah? Who said?
Vincent: (brandishes Death Penalty) I do.
Cloud: (steps between them) "Guys, I think we should all sit down and work this out by talking. Perhaps if we analyze the situation carefully, we might-"
Zell: "Hey, is this one of them fan fics where the author gets to decide what happens to us?"
(Everyone looks at him strangely, except for Tifa, who was having a hard time breathing)
Zell: (sweatdrop) Heh, I heard it happens all the time.
(Everyone except Tifa continues to gaze at him. Then, at the same time, they all scream in horror)
Voice: Silence, everyone!
Barret: Foo'! Who you?!
Voice 2: We are the fan fic authors, and you must serve us according to what we require of you.
Voice: If you fail to do what we want, you shall be punished in the severest way.
(Someone turns on a spotlight, centering on a large wooden crate rocking this way and that, as if ferocious creatures were inside it. A large label at the side said, "Fans". Everyone cringes with dread)
Voice 2: "Here we are!"
(Another spotlight centers on a young girl with short hair)
Girl: "FalconIce!"
(A second spotlight flashes on another girl with braided wavy hair)
Girl 2: "Kasa no Miko!"
Both: "We are...this fan fic's authors!" (hug and flashed V sign)
FF7 & 8 char: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" (run around in different directions, except for Tifa of course, who was now crawling on the ground, gasping for breath)
FalconIce: "Freeze!" (snaps fingers)
(Everyone does so)
Kasa no Miko: "Don't be scared! In this fic, we aren't going to torture you."
FalconIce: "Yeah, we're just going to do one innocent task."
Both: "SWITCH YOUR CLOTHES!!!" (evil laughter)
(Nobody says anything, because even their mouths are frozen)
FalconIce: "Mwa ha ha ha ha!"
Kasa no Miko: "Okay, snap your fingers again, FalconIce."
FalconIce: "BWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Kasa no Miko: (clonks FalconIce) "FalconIce..."
Kasa no Miko: "Sorry, I got carried away." (snaps fingers)
(Suddenly everything goes white. When the light fades away, the FF7 crew find themselves at the Northern Crater, on the way to battle Sephiroth)
Tifa: (dressed in some black spandex clothes and a long, sleeveless blue vest, *Rinoa's clothes*) "I can breathe now!!!"
Cloud: (glances down at his new black jacket and pants, with belts to match, *Squall's clothes*) "...Not bad. Not bad at all. At least it gives me some protection from the cold."
Barret: #@!@#!$! Dis stupid clothes don' fit! And my arms can't get in. The foo's! (tears off the sleeves of the gray trenchcoat that was given to him, finds that the undershirt doesn't fit either, so he tears it too. Seifer's clothes all end up ripped to shreds)
Aeris: (looks down at her orange clothes and long black gloves, complete with high boots, *Quistis*) "Eeeww...orange. It just isn't my color. (proceeds to dye them pink)
Cid: (glances down at the shirt, black jacket and blue shorts he's wearing, *Zell's clothes*) "I feel #@!@##%&*^!@ YOUNG again!" (raises his arms in triumph, then his shorts suddenly fall down) "@@#$%*&^%$!"
Vincent: (looks nonchalantly at the shirt, brown trenchcoat and pants, and cowboy hat, *Irvine*) "...At least I'm no longer wearing those steel shoes..."
Yuffie: (jumps happily in her yellow sundress, *Selphie*) "I look so CUTE and SEXY!!!"
Rufus: (stands in the background in a white shirt, red vest and black pants, with a pair of glasses perched on his nose, *Headmaster Cid*) "Where's...my...MILLION-GIL SIGNATURE SUIT??!!"
Red XIII: (brooding on the ground in a SeeD uniform) "Human clothes are NOT for me. I can barely walk properly in this outfit. And my tail...it is unable to get out of these tight pants. Not to mention, it is burning a hole in them. Where's my headdress and bangles? Just whose clothes are these anyway?!"
(Meanwhile, at Ultimecia's castle, where the FF8 characters prepare to battle the evil sorceress...)
Nida: (running around naked, wearing a headdress and a pair of bangles) "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! My clothes disappeared! How the hell did I get into this fic anyway?!"
Squall: (rubs his arms, uncomfortable in his sleeveless dark blue sweater and army pants, *Cloud*) "So bare...so bare..."
Rinoa: (writhing on the floor, choking in a tight white halter top and spandex miniskirt, *Tifa*) "Squall...can't...breathe...need...air..."
Zell: (looking nifty in a pilot suit and goggles, *Cid*) "I look so COOL!!! Yeah, baby!"
Irvine: (mumbling beneath a heavy red cloak and dark clothes, *Vincent*) "It's so hot in here!" (takes a step with his steel shoes, falls flat on the floor) "Help me! Can't get up with this heavy claw! Selphieeeeee!"
Selphie: (flips around in a sleeveless green shirt and white shorts, *Yuffie*) "I'm a ninja! I'm a ninja! Look at me!" (leaps to the castle spires in one bound) "Whee!!!"
Quistis: (grimaces at the pink dress and jacket she is wearing) "Yuck! Pink! Must improvise!" (proceeds to dye them orange)
Seifer: (all sullen in a VERY loose ripped off sleeveless shirt and EVEN looser army pants, not to mention HUMONGOUS combat boots) "What the-?" (the pants fall to his knees) "Eeek!"
Headmaster Cid: (gawking at the immaculately white signature suit he is wearing, *Rufus*) "WWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!! I look so RICH!"
Ultimecia: "SeeDs...SeeDs...SeeDs...Kurse all SeeDs! Swarming like lokusts akross generations! You disgust me!"
(Everyone turns to see Ultimecia looking absolutely EVIL in a black trenchcoat with a revealing chest area and silver shoulder pads)
Zell: "Hey, those clothes...does that mean...?"
(Switch to Northern Crater)
Sephiroth: "AAAAAAAAAAACCCCCKKKKK!!! These clothes!!!"
(Sephiroth is standing before them in a fiery dress with a SUPER revealing front, exposing Sephiroth's chest and abs. His long hair billows dramatically behind him like a silver curtain)
Cloud: "You look like a..."
Vincent: "GIRL! BWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" (collapses in a fit of laughter)
(Everyone turns to stare at him, large sweatdrops forming on their heads. They glance at Sephiroth, who was glaring deathly at Vincent, looking ready to impale the poor man with his masamune. Suddenly, his face relaxes and then he breaks into a pleased smile.)
Sephiroth: (swings his hips to the side girlishly) "You really think so? Gee, thanks. Maybe I should try out for modeling or something since I'm so tall and handsome."
(Everyone facefaults to the ground)
(Back at Ultimecia's castle...)
Squall: "We shall defeat you, Ultimecia! No matter what it takes!"
Zell: "Yeah! We're gonna bust you to the next dimension!"
Seifer: "We can defeat you anytime!"
Selphie: "We're SeeDs after all!"
Quistis: "The wicked can never prevail!"
HM Cid: "Your evil conspiracies will be put to end!"
Irvine: (from the ground) "Mmbphmmbph!!!"
Zell: "What's he saying?"
(Everyone shrugs. Rinoa doesn't say anything because she has already died from suffocation)
Ultimecia: "Then you are all fools! You shall die slowly and painfully in Griever's hands!" (waves her hands ceremoniously to summon the most powerful GF of all)
(A robotic cat on a large stuffed mog falls from the dark swirling sky, landing between Ultimecia and the heroes. It rubs its head painfully and then mounts the Mog)
Cait Sith: "Hey, what are y'all looking at me for? I have to be in this fic. I'm a main character too, you know!" (Mog raises his fists) "So ya wanna fight or what?"
(Ultimecia lets out a huge sigh, and drops her hands in defeat. She suddenly throws down her sorceress wig and wipes the makeup from her face and starts to walk away)
Ultimecia: "I give up! Being an evil sorceress is too much for me. Go get some other sorceress who likes to fight SeeDs, summon Grievers, and repeat speeches over and over again! I QUIT!!!" (exits the scene in exasperation)
(The heroes stare after her in disbelief. Then they glance at each other)
Zell: "Ummm...Does that mean...we won?"
Squall: (still rubbing his bare arms) "..."
Rinoa: (doesn't say anything)
(The camera zooms out to see FalconIce and Kasa no Miko sprawled on a couch, watching the whole thing on TV)
Kasa no Miko: "You know...if both games really ended like that, I don't think they'd be so popular."
FalconIce: "Why not?! Those endings were so cool!"
Kasa no Miko: "I don't know. I mean, they look so pathetic in the new clothes they're wearing."
FalconIce: "Yeah, you're right. Maybe I should switch them back." (snaps fingers)
(There was another bright flash of light as the clothes returned to their owners)
Cloud: "Um...I kinda miss the neat jacket."
Tifa: (choking on her clothes) "Help...me..."
Rufus: (brushes his million-gil suit) "Ugh! I will sue the scoundrel who wrinkled my suit!"
Sephiroth: "AAAAGH! Where's the beautiful dress I was wearing?!"
Squall: "Rinoa, Rinoa! Get up!"
Zell: (feels pulse) "Sorry, man. She can't be revived anymore."
Aeris: (shrieks) "AAAGH! My clothes!"
Quistis: (shrieks) "AAAGH! My clothes!"
Seifer: (mourns for the shredded rags he's wearing now) "My clothes...my clothes..." (tries to cover himself with what little fabric was left)
Irvine: (fans himself with his hat) "Aaaah, air! Fresh, cool air!"
HM Cid: (gropes around blindly) "My glasses! Where are my glasses?" (bumps flat into a wall and falls to the ground)
THE END
Nida: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIITTTTT! You still haven't returned my CLOTHES!!!" (futilely tries to cover himself with Red's headdress)
(FalconIce and Kasa no Miko collapse into fits of laughter)
THE REAL END