[ The scene opens in Tifa's house in Nibelheim, where all of AVALANCHE is gathered.... ]
Cid: Okay, we need to find out where in the World is Hojo.
Rockapella: [ Sings ] Where in the World is.. UGH! Hojo!
Cid: What the #%$&^!?
Cloud: Look at me! I'm a fairy!! [ Skips around with a pair of Tifa's panties on his head ]
Cid: Hey, you said it, not me.
Tifa: Cloud!!! Gimmie those!!
Barret: Hey now, foo's! We gotta find Hojo 'fore Shinra or Sephiroth does, ya' hear?
Vincent: Yes. We must. Otherwise the world is doomed..I could never live with myself if that happened.
Cid: God forbid you have any more reason to blame yerself for shit. Get over it man!
Vincent: You insensitive old goat!
Cid: Yeah?! Well, lemme tell you where I'm about to shove my horns....?!
Barret: Stop dat already!!
RedXIII: Barret is right. We have a job to do! If Sephiroth ever finds his lucky socks, we'll all be doomed yet again!
Tifa: Yeah! Plus Hojo still has the plans for that new Shinra weapon! We have so much to do!
Barret: 'Zactly. Now, 'dis what we gonna do. Cloud, me, an' Cid is gonna go to Costa Del Sol. I have suspicion 'dat Hojo be dere. Meanwhile, Vincent and Cait Sith'll go to the Shinra Buildin' an' try to be gettin' s'more info'mation outta dem Shinra boys.
RedXIII: What about me? I want to help.
Barret: You go to Cosmo Canyon and try to pass Yuffie through yo' intestine.
RedXIII: Oh...I forgot about her.....
Cid: Well, what're we waitin' for?! Let's get our asses in gear!
Vincent: Why am I stuck with the stupid toy....?
Cait Sith: Weee! Road trip! [DanceDance]
Vincent: Oh....brother....
[ Meanwhile, in Costa Del Sol.... ]
Hojo: All right... Now you hook this tube to that tube...
Ralph: Which one?
Hojo: Uh..that black one to this black one.
Ralph: Why the hell are all these tubes the same color?! Never heard of color coding?!
Hojo: You fool! If I were to COLOR CODE this, people could easily figure out how to DISARM it!!
Ralph: Well...I guess you have a point... But how am I supposed to put it together?!
Hojo: Just let me handle the connections. You go tighten the bolts...
Voice: [ From behind the door ] Hey?! Anyone home?! Yooohooooo??!!
Hojo: What the...?! Go answer the door, Ralph! Make sure whoever it is...goes away!
Ralph: Yeah yeah... [ Steps up to the first floor of the small apartment and opens the door ]
Sephiroth: Hello, I was wondering if you-- Hojo!!!!
Ralph: What?! I'm not Hojo!! Honest! My name is Ralph, and I'm Hojo's twin brother!
Sephiroth: Yeah right! I'm not falling for that!!
Ralph: Ahhhh!!! Get away!! [ Runs off down the street ]
Sephiroth: Hey!! Come back here!!! [ Chases Ralph ]
Hojo: Whew... That was close. Having a twin comes in handy...
Cid: HEY?! [ Walks in through the front door ] Aha!! Hojo! Finally!
Cloud: Oh buddy!! I'm so excited! And I just CAN'T hide it!!!
Cid: Please..don't say that....
Barret: Hojo?! Hey! It is him!!
Hojo: Uh..?! No!! I'm RALPH, remember?!
Cid: Oh yeah. I remember you. Wait, how do we know you're Ralph and not Hojo pretending to be Ralph?!
Hojo: Um... Because.. LOOK!! [ Rips his underpants off and shows them the tag ] See?! Why would *I* be wearing UNDERPANTS with the name RALPH on them if I were Hojo?!?!?!?!
Cid: Ew! Gross!! Ralph's skidmarked Tighty-Whities!! Real men wear BOXERS!
Hojo: HEY!!?? Um..well, anyway. You just missed Hojo. He ran off down the road with Sephiroth on his heels....
Barret: Awright! Looks like we gotta chase goin' on!
Cloud: Right! Let's run like women!!!!
Cid: You're askin' for a beatin' now, smart-ass.
[ The three AVALANCHE members run off down the street after Sephiroth and Ralph ]
Hojo: Mwa ha ha ha ha!! Now I can complete my project! [ Walks back to the small room, wearing a pair of black socks with the letter "S" embroidered on them ]
[ At the Shinra Building, Floor 70..... ]
Rufus: [ Pointing to a random continent on a large map of the Planet ] Okay! Now, this is one of many probable locations of Pooky-Wookums, the Stuffed Mako Bear...
Tseng: This really isn't necessary, Sir. Reno and Rude are on the job.
Rufus: I know that! But I MUST have that Bear back! I can take no chances in this matter at all!
Reeve: Sir, he really means that this isn't necessary. I implanted a tracking device in the bears ear...
Rufus: WHAT??!!?! YOU PERFORMED DELICATE SURGICAL IMPLANTS ON MY MAKO BEAR WITHOUT PERMISSION!?!?!??!?!?! YOU MAY HAVE INJURED HIM FOR LIFE!!!!
Reeve: Sir... It's just a stuffed Bear...
Rufus: NOOOOOO!!!! [ Beats Reeve with his pointer stick ]
Tseng: Uh... Could we get a glass of water for the President? We need to calm him down, I think.
Heidegger: But this is so enjoyable! GYA HA HA HA!!!!
Tseng: I wonder why I work here, sometimes...
Reeve: Sir?! Please?! Uh..we have company!!
Rufus: What?!?! Oh...you again....
[ Vincent and Cait Sith walk toward Rufus ]
Tseng: We really need to beef up security around here...
Vincent: We want a little information, if you will...
Reeve: You moron. You have..someone right there with you. You could have just asked him... Ahem.
Cait Sith: Yeah, dummy.
Vincent: Oh, man... I wasted a trip.
Rufus: Gee, I seem to be missing something in the grand scheme of things.
Reeve: So what's new?
Rufus: ...We will finish that dungeon one day.
Heidegger: We will? I mean, yes, of course.
Vincent: Okay, well... I'll just be on my way now....
Rufus: I want that Bear back!! GO!! ALL OF YOU!! SEEK HIM OUT!
Vincent: ...Oh no! They're after Lucrecia's Bear! I must go to her!
Cait Sith: What? ....?!
[ Vincent was already gone! ]
[ At Lucrecia's Cave... ]
Lucrecia: What's that? You want me to... Put them all out of their misery?
Pooky: ................
Lucrecia: I see... I will do as you say...Pooky-Wookums.... I am at your command. To the end of everything! My sworn duty is at last revealed! Hee hee hee...HEE HAA HA HA HA HA!!!!
Pooky: ................
Lucrecia: Those pathetic beings will soon bow before you, my Lord! I shall see to it! For I am Lucrecia! Lady of Doom!!!! AHH HAH HA HA HAH AH HA HA HAHAHAA!!!!
Pooky: ................
[ Back on the streets of Costa Del Sol... ]
Sephiroth: Ugh.. Man.. I never knew a person could fall into so many manholes... I smell like poopy now...
Cid: Woah?! Look! Sephiroth!? And he stinks like Cloud's dirty drawers...
Cloud: Hey!! I use the cleaning power of TIDE!!
Cid: Well, you should use it a little more often, and in stronger doses...
Cloud: ...You're so cruel....
Barret: So where's Hojo? If Sephiroth be here, then Hojo mus' be nearby as well.
Sephiroth: Huh? What are you guys doing here?
Cloud: We're here to find Hojo and put an end to your evil!
Sephiroth: Hah hah hah hah! You fool! You have no idea who the true evil one is!
Cid: What the hell're you talking about?!
Sephiroth: There's a new evil on this Planet... One even stronger than I. I've sensed it for quite some time, but have been unable to pinpoint it until recently, but then, my lucky socks were stolen! I lost my lock on the evil, but I know that it has already consumed one of your own! And there is definitely a tie in it that branches back to Shinra! Mwa ha ha! But you fools wouldn't know that!
Cid: Well, now we do.
Sephiroth: HAHAHA-- OH..damn! Dammit!
Cloud: So now our objectives are clear! We must find out Shinra's tie in all this, which is probably through Hojo, then we must find out who of our own is wrapped up in this evil!
Cid: You actually got smart for once. But don't ferget, we also gotta find out the evil mastermind behind it all.
Barret: Well, our quest begins! Back to the Shinra Buildin'!!!
Cloud: Let's mosey!!!
Cid: MOTHER *#&$)#(!!!!
Cloud: AHHHHH!!!!!!
[ Back at Hojo's place.... ]
Hojo: Mwa ha ha ha!! It's nearly complete! And now that I have those other fools out chasing Ralph, I have all the time I need to get it charged up!! Yes!! The new POTATO CHIP CRUMBLER will aid in my domination of...SNACK FOODS ALL OVER THE WORLD!!! AHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA!!!!!!!
[ In Lucrecia's cave.... ]
Lucrecia: You've done well so far... Hee hee... You will soon be rewarded when the Lord is awakened... Just make sure they don't invade this place until the awakening has occurred!
Vincent: Yes, Lucrecia....
Lucrecia: Once we acquire Professor Hojo's Potato Chip Crumbler, we will be able to rule the UNIVERSE!!
Vincent: But... How do we acquire this...Machine, My Lady?
Lucrecia: Hee hee hee haa haa haa!! The Lord will see to it that the machine is brought to US!! HEE HAAHH AHH AHHAAAAA!!!!
Pooky: .....................................
Narrator: OH LORD!!! What a developement! What on the Planet is going on?!?! Lucrecia and Pooky-Wookums are in kahoots?! Vincent has been pulled into the shuffle?!?! What of Hojo and his master invention?!? What is Shinra's tie in all this?! Will Sephiroth find the real Hojo in time to get his socks back and take control of this force? What can AVALANCHE really do?! Will Yuffie ever be free of RedXIII's ass?!??! We'll find out next time...MAYBE, in.....
"What the #%$&^!?"
To be continued....
All characters Copyright Squaresoft® [except Ralph]
