Laguna's Bathtub
Disclaimer:
All FF8, FF7 and T-Rexaur paraphernalia belong to Squaresoft. Schneider is part
of Rurouni Kenshin, owned by Nobuhiro Watsuki. All other characters are created
by the authors, who have no impressive amount of money whatsoever (Kasa no Miko:
Hey! I HAVE fifty cents!). Oh yeah, no animals were harmed in the making of this
fic (T-Rexaur: RRROWWWRRR!!!)
Warning:
May contain slightly disturbing mental images, and a little bit of OOCness. Oh,
and spoilers maybe, if you haven’t finished the game yet.
FalconIce
and Kasa no Miko Productions proudly presents...
BATHTUB
TALES: Series No. 1
LAGUNA’S
BATHTUB
Starring...
Laguna
Loire..........President of Esthar
Dr.
Odine.............Head Scientist of Esthar
Kiros
Seagill.........Presidential Secretary, Laguna’s buddy, official “...”
translator
Ward
Zaback...........Presidential Secretary, Laguna’s buddy
Schneider.............Presidential
Palace Handyman
Squall
Leonhart.......Balamb Garden SeeD, Laguna’s “son”
Headmaster
Cid Kramer.Balamb Garden Headmaster
Edea
Kramer...........Cid’s wife
Ultimecia.............Eeeeevil
sorceress
Cloud
Strife..........FF7 hero
Sephiroth.............FF7
villain
And
of course...
FalconIce
and Kasa no Miko
=======DAY
1===========
<At
Dr. Odine's Laboratory>
Dr.
Odine: Prezident Laguva, I prezent to you your cuztom made baztub. (curtains
open, revealing a huge pristine white bathtub)
Laguna:
(jumps with joy) Oooooh! Does it have jacuzzi? Huh? Huh?
Dr.
Odine: Prezident Laguva, pleez kalm thdown.
Laguna:
(stops jumping) Okay! Tell me, tell me, does it have jacuzzi? What about hot and
cold water?
Dr.
Odine: Yez, yez, I plazed all ze akzezoriez you azked vor. Vut zerz juzt van
tiny provlem...
Laguna:
Very well then. Send it to my bathroom right away!
Dr.
Odine: Vut I muzt tell you zomezingk very importank-
Laguna:
Tell me later. Now, I must take a bath.
Dr.
Odine: Vut-vut-!
Laguna:
Buh-bye now, you old fart.
Dr.
Odine: VHAAT?!
Laguna:
Heh-heh. See ya later, Odine. (skips out the lab)
Dr.
Odine: Prezident Laguva! Zerz zomezingk wrong wiz ze baztub. Ze material I uzed
vor it kan kauze an inzerzimenzional rift. It iz van ov my longk lozt
exzverimentz. I had to uze it vecauze I van out of vunding. (glances around for
his audience) Prezident Laguva? Ergh! Iv you're not goingk to lizen to me, itz
not my vault! (shuffles, er, walks away)
<Later,
in Laguna's bathtub>
Laguna:
♪ La dee ♪ day dee♫ day da ♪ (scrub scrub)
Scrubby♫ dub♪ dub in ♫ the bathtub♪…
All
of a sudden, the interdimensional highway opens over Laguna’s bathtub, and two
innocent (?) teenage girls splashes down, namely FalconIce and Kasa no Miko (or
Koorime or Trinken or whatever name suits you)
Laguna:
AIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!
Ecchihentaigirlspoppingoutofnowherelandingonmypristinewhitebrandnewjacuzzihotandcoldnottomentionsuperexpensivemilliongil
BATHTUB!!!
2
Ecchi hentai girls popping out of nowhere…er, you get the picture: Huh???
(look at each other in confusion)
Laguna:
Guards! Arrest these
twoecchihentaigirlspoppingoutofnowherelandingonmypristinewhitebrand
newjacuzzihotandcoldnottomentionsuperexpensivemilliongil BATHTUB!!!
Guards
(suddenly barge in with the very determination ingrained to them since their
first day of training. But all they could say was…) WHAT???
Laguna:
(gestures wildly to FalconIce and Kasa no Miko) Them! Them! GET…THEM!!!
Guards:
Ohhhhhhh…(drag Falcon and Kasa no Miko away)
<Outside
the bathroom…>
FalconIce:
(while being dragged away) I still don’t get whatever he was saying.
Kasa
no Miko: Yeah, me too. Wait a minute…wasn’t he nekkid?
Guards
and FalconIce: (turn to Kasa no Miko, beet red) OH MY GOODNESS!
Laguna:
(from within the bathroom) Waitaminute! I’m NEKKID! They saw me NEKKID?! I
feel so exposed! (blab on and on)
Guard
(carrying Kasa no Miko and FalconIce) We better get away before President Laguna
decides to throw the kitchen—er, bathroom sink at us. (run awaaaaaay!)
Behind
them, the sound of a
pristinewhitehotandcoldwatersuperexpensivemilliongilporcelainsink crashing
through the door reverberated throughout the palace)
===========DAY
2==============
<At
Laguna’s bathtub>
Handyman:
Herez zyou go, Prezident Lackguna. All fikzed up.
Laguna:
Thank you, Schneider. You may leave.
(Schneider
exits the bathroom, leaving Laguna free to inspect the repaired bathroom door
and the
reinstalledpristinewhitehotandcoldwatersuperexpensivemilliongilporcelainsink)
Laguna:
(glances at wristwatch) Hmm...time to take a bath. (undresses and gets into the
tub full of bubble suds)
Laguna:
♪ I feel good ♫, tananananana♫ (scrub scrub) I ♪ fe~el
good ♫, tananana...
All
of a sudden, the interdimensional highway opened over Laguna’s bathtub, and a
HUGE buster sword fell out, landing on Laguna’s head.
Laguna
(@ @) Owieeeeeee...
A
blond spiky-haired young man leapt out of the rift.
Cloud:
Hey! You found my sword. Thanks, man! (climbs back into the rift) I’m gonna
get you, Sephiroth!
Sephiroth:
Mwa ha ha ha...HACK...GASP...CHOKE...(thinks, “Too much laughing is making my
sore throat worse.”)
Laguna:
(stars and mini buster swords revolving around his head) @ @ Uugggh...
=======DAY
3=========
<At
Laguna’s bathtub...>
Schneider:
Zere! I installed ze kanopy ovher zyour baztub. Zow no vore veepingk zomz zill
ve avle zo zee zou zow...Zat vakes ve vezzy zappy!
Laguna:
(???) What did you say?
Schneider:
I zed...Zere! I installed ze kanopy ovher zyour baztub. Zow no vore veepingk
zomz zill ve avle zo zee zou zow...Zat vakes ve vezzy zappy!
Laguna:
(??? Still) What? You want to go to sleep? That’s why you’re putting z’s
in your words???
Schneider:
(irritated, nerve nerve) Vhy zoez everyvody have no apreziazion vor my mozer
toungke?! Zey alvays makve vun ov me mozer toungke! (goez away in a huffv...)
Laguna:
Zenk you, I mean, thank you!
Kiros:
Laguna, don’t forget your appointment with Mr. and Mrs. Kramer from Balamb.
Laguna:
Oh them! I remember. Anyway, I still have thirty minutes to spare. Gonna take a
bath. Must be squeaky clean for them. Who knows? Squall might be with them.
He’s such a neat freak. Must be sweet-smelling and looking fine and dandy. And
I’m going to wear the clothes I bought yesterday. They’re such a fashion
statement. I’m so excited! I can’t wait!
Kiros:
(eyebrow twitch, remembering the clothes Laguna bought yesterday: a light blue
shirt with butterflies printed all over it *Quote from Laguna: “Pretty
butterflies, pretty butterflies! Must buy pretty butterfly shirt!”* and loose
bright green pants with— of all things — dandelions. *”Oooh, my butterfly
shirt will like these pretty flowers!”*, sweatdrop) Whatever, Laguna.
Whatever. Just make sure you’re there on time. (leaves)
Laguna:
I can’t wait! I can’t wait!
<A
few moments later...>
Laguna:
♪ Never sang ♫ my soﺴngs...
♪ (hears crack, shrug) Must be one of the workers at the back. ♫ On
the ♪ stage, on my ♫ oﺴwn...
(crack!)
Unknowingly
to Laguna, the interdimensional highway opened again over Laguna’s bathtub,
just above his canopy.
???:
RROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAARRRR!!!
Laguna:
Huh? Who’s that?
???:
ROAR ROWR ROAR GROWR ROAR (translation: “Stop it! You’re hurting my
eardrums!”)
Laguna:
(freaked out) Aaagh! Show yourself!
All
of a sudden, there is a loud bestial roar, and a gigantic T-Rexaur rips through
the canopy, and lands with a HUGE splash in Laguna’s bathtub, splitting the
tub in half with its mass.
Laguna:
WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! (leaps out of the way)
T-Rexaur:
ROWR GROWR ROR, ROWR GAROWR ROAR!!! (“I told you, stop it!!!”)
Laguna:
(dashes out of the bathroom) WAAAAAAHHHH!!! GUUUUAAARRRRDDDDSSSS!!!
T-Rexaur:
(thinks, “Stupid human.”, glances about, “Oh my, I wrecked his— um,
whatever humans call it.”, chases after Laguna) ROWRY ROAR GRR GROWL ROAR
GROAR! (“Wait! I want to apologize for destroying your waterhole— er, um,
cleansing devise!
<In
the hallway in front of the Presidential meeting room, where the Kramers and
several mediamen await the arrival of President Laguna>
Edea:
Cid, dear, President Laguna is not here yet.
Cid:
He probably isn’t expecting us. After all, we are a bit early.
Kiros:
(approaches the couple, Ward in tow) Aah, Mr. and Mrs. Kramer...a pleasure to
have you here in Esthar. (mediamen snap pics)
Ward:
...
Kiros:
Ward expresses his welcome, too.
Edea:
Thank you. Now where is President Laguna? We wish to discuss business
right away. (sounds of clicking cameras)
Cid:
Yes, indeed. We’re in a hurry because we have another appointment to keep.
Kiros:
We’ll keep that in mind. Excuse me, I’ll call La—
Laguna:
(rushes out his bedroom) WAAAAAAHHHHH!!! There’s a T-Rexaur after me! (sprints
down the hallway naked, unmistakable clicking of cameras follow)
T-Rexaur:
(crashs through the door a few moments later) ROWR!!! ROAR GROWL ROAR GRR!
(“Wait! I’m sorry! You don’t have to run away! I’ll buy you another
mini-waterhole!”) (lumbers noisily after Laguna, wreaking havoc down the
hallway) (more clicking of cameras)
Edea:
(beet red) Cid...was that President Laguna we just saw? He has...unusual fashion
sense.
Cid:
(takes Edea by the arm) How dare you expose my sugar lumpkins to such a vulgar
display! Hmph! We’re leaving! Come, Edea, let us head on to Shumi Village to
speak with the Elder. (leave)
Kiros:
Wait! Mr. and Mrs. Kramer! We apologize for that! Come back!
Ward:
(gazes after the retreating couple with Kiros in pursuit, shakes head sadly,
turns to nearby Esthar soldier with a look that said, “Go get the
President...again.”)
=========DAY
4==========
<That
morning>
One-liner
in Esthar Daily: “President Laguna almost lost an alliance with Balamb
yesterday due to a garish display of total nudity at the Presidential Palace.”
Gossip
column of same paper: “There are rumors that President Laguna of Esthar will
be nominated as one of the sexiest men alive, along with Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise,
Harrison Ford and Cloud Strife.”
Headlines
of an Esthar tabloid: “PREZ CAUGHT IN STATE OF UNDRESS. Exclusive genuine
photos inside.”
Headline
of a small-time underground Anti-Laguna newspaper: “President Laguna Loire a
Nudist, Corrupting Minors”
PlayBishonen
Magazine: “New Attraction Discovered: Laguna Loire, Photos Inside!”
<In
the Meeting Room>
Kiros:
Laguna! Come on, its time for your bath.
Laguna:
Noooooooooo...I don’t want to! (huddles into a corner)
Kiros:
Come on, Laguna. (tugs at Laguna’s arm, trying to drag him out of the corner)
There’s going to be a national “We Love the President” parade later. Must
be fresh and clean for your people (tug tug)
Laguna:
No! (snatches arm back and mopes)
Kiros:
(sighs loudly) Laguna, this is just one of your silly-
Laguna:
No, no, no!
Kiros:
-fears. For Odin’s sake, you’re middle-aaged! Stop acting like a child.
Laguna:
......(sniff)
Kiros:
(throws hands in the air) I give up! Ward, have a box of deodorant delivered.
Pronto.
Ward:
...
Dr.
Odine: (suddenly rushes into the room) Prezident Laguva! Good newz! I have juz
vomvleted zyour new vathing area!
Laguna:
(eyes widen in fear) Nooooo! No more! No more!
Dr.
Odine: Ah, vut zeez eez not van ov my ekzperimentz. Zeez eez juz an orzinary
jacuzzee vool.
Laguna:
(stands up) Jacuzzi? Pool? (eyes sparkle)
Kiros:
Then what are we waiting for? Come, Laguna. Let’s get you out of your clothes.
Laguna:
Jacuzzi! I’m so excited. I can’t wait! (led out of the room by Kiros)
Schneider:
(arrives) Ze vool is zkomvletely vinished, Unckle Odine!
Dr.
Odine: Vood
vork, Schneider! Tell me, vat vaterial zid zyou uze?
Schneider:
Vell, ze regular zaterial vaz too ekzvenzive, zo I juz rezykled some ov zyour
levtovers at ze lav.
Dr.
Odine: (eyes widen) Zyou zidn’t...
Schneider:
(looks down) I’m zery zorry, unckle. I zidn’t zhink zyou’ll need it. Vhy?
Vatz vrong vid it?
<At
Laguna’s new pool in the Presidential Gardens (it’s outdoor, ya know!),
where the President was enjoying his jacuzzi bath>
Laguna:
Aaaaaaahhhhh...this is life. (closes eyes and sighs)
As
he sat there in the bubbling water, the interdimensional highway opened above
Laguna’s bathtub, er, pool.
Laguna:
(hears falling sound) Huh?
***KATHUNK!!!***
Laguna:
@.@~* ... (sinks to the bottom of the pool, unconscious)
Suddenly,
a splash resounded as FalconIce fell into the water.
FI:
Man, I’m wet again. Sheesh! (glances up and sees Kasa no Miko levitating
gracefully out of the rift) Hey! How come you didn’t land in the water?
KnM:
(lands on solid ground, still in Buddhist-monk-meditation stance) I learned my
lesson. I don’t want to fall into bathtubs anymore. (stands up, glances
around) Hey, this isn’t Balamb. Where are we?
FI:
It looks like we’re in Esthar.
KnM:
(starts to steam) I...am...getting sick...of this...stupid...kasa...(seethe
seethe) Ergh! Let’s go, FalconIce.
FI:
Wait! Let me get my Zantima first. (authors’ note: think Zanbatou and Ultima
Sword)
FalconIce
bends down into the water, gets sword, catches sight of inert Laguna who was
still unconscious and VERY naked, and practically leaps out of the water, her
face beet red, shocked and frightened.
KnM:
(worried) What the-? What did you see down there? Wha-?!
Kasa
no Miko couldn’t say any more, because FalconIce had suddenly yanked her back
into her kasa.
<A
few moments later...>
Kiros:
(enters the gardens) Lagu~na! Are you done yet? Some guests have arrived and-
(catches sight of shadowy figure at the bottom of the pool) Oh my goodness!
Laguna!
Kiros
immediately jumps into the pool to rescue the beloved President of Esthar.
<A
couple of minutes pass...>
Kiros:
(slap slap) Laguna! Wake up! Don’t die on us now! There’s still your parade!
No
response.
Kiros:
(slap slap) You can’t leave Esthar without a leader!
No
response.
Kiros:
(slap slap) Laguna, my buddy, wake up! Ward and I need you!
No
response still. Ward comes running towards them.
Ward:
.........!!!
Kiros:
What?! Squall Leonhart is here for the parade?!
Laguna:
(suddenly sits up) My son! He’s here!
Kiros
facefaults.
Laguna:
Wait! I’m not finished yet with my bath! I just barely started.
Kiros:
(annoyed, nerve nerve) Well, hurry up, Laguna. I’ll give you five minutes.
(starts to leave with Ward) Oh yeah. Squall will be riding with you on the
float.
Laguna:
Yey! My son will be riding with me! I’m so excited!
<Back
in the pool...>
Laguna:
(silent, doesn’t sing anymore because he’s too traumatized by his past
bathing experiences)
As
he sits there warily, he witnesses for the first time the opening of the
interdimensional highway. A shadowy figure in a dress suddenly falls into the
water. When the form levitates above the surface, Laguna sees that it was none
other than...
Ultimecia:
(completely soaked, but the water rapidly evaporates because she is RAGING mad)
Kurse you, Prezident Laguna! You have made my drezz wet!
Laguna:
AAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!! (bursts out of the water, into the palace, out the
front door and smack into Squall, who was standing on the Presidential Float,
all cool and ready in his leather outfit.
Squall:
(blink blink) Dad, you’re...NAKED?!?!
Laguna:
Squall!
EchihentaisorceressnamedUltimeciaappearinginmybrandnewjacuzzisuperexpensiveone-hundredmilliongilPOOL!
Squall:
WHAT?!
All
of a sudden, the float starts to move.
Squall:
Stop! Stop the float!
Robotic
voice: <UNAUTHORIZED PERSONNEL. NEED PASSWORD TO MANUALLY OVERRIDE THE
TRANSPORT INSTRUCTIONS>
Laguna:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
<In
the packed streets of Esthar...>
Kid:
Mommy! Mommy! When is the parade going to start?
Mommy:
It should start right now. Oh look! Here comes the dancing Chocobos.
The
dancing Chocobos pass by, followed by saluting Esthar soldiers, whirling Buels,
flitting Mogs and cute, bouncing Moombas. There were other attractions too,
including gigantic chibi balloons of Laguna. Soon, the Presidential float comes
into view.
Bystander
1: Oh my-
Bystander
2: What the-?!
Bystander
3: AIIIEEE!!!
Bystander
4: Oh wow...
Bystander
5: Quick! Take pictures!
Bystander
6: Is the videocam still rolling?
Bystander
7: Laguna! We LOVE you! PlayBishonen rules!!!
Kid:
Mommy? Why is Mr. President-
Mommy:
Eek! Close your eyes!
For
there, on the Presidential Float, in full view of everyone, stood a sheepishly
grinning Laguna WAVING to the crowd, and a beet- no, fire engine- RED Squall
trying to cover his shameless father with his leather jacket.
Trumpets
suddenly blare, and a choir starts to sing:
Choir:
We love the Pre~sident of E~sthar...
After
that, they sing the Esthar national anthem while the band accompanies them.
Then, confetti and balloons rained down on the crowd, and Laguna proceeded to
deliver a short speech, with a crimson-faced Squall trailing beside him...
All
this was done so formally during the National “We Love the President” Day.
=======DAY
7=========
Kiros:
Thank you for spending the weekend here in Esthar, Squall. You’re welcome at
the Presidential Palace anytime.
Squall:
...Whatever.
Ward:
...
Kiros:
Hm? Oh! Squall, Ward tells me that Laguna wanted to give you his pool.
Squall:
(looks at Ward) ...
Ward:
...
Kiros:
There’s nothing wrong with it! He’s just giving it to you because he was
feeling generous.
Squall:
...
Kiros:
No...you can’t bring it to Balamb...It’s a POOL!
Ward:
...
Kiros:
I mean...Laguna is giving the privilege of taking a bath in his private pool
solely to Squall.
Squall:
...
Ward:
...
Kiros:
(eyebrow twitch) Now, do you both get it?
Squall:
...
Ward:
...
<A
few minutes later at the pool...>
Squall:
...♪...♫...♪...
<inside>
Kiros:
What the hell is with that off key singing?!?
Ward:
...
Kiros:
Squall?!?! I didn’t know he sang!!!
Ward:
...
Kiros:
I guess we don’t know him very well, do we?
Ward:
... (smiles)
Squall:
.......!!!
Kiros:
What’s wrong? Squall screamed!!!
Ward:
...
Kiros:
We must help him right away!!! (he and Ward run toward the pool)
THE
END?
Authors’
notes:
1.
Kiros can actually understand the “...” language, having spent so
much time with Ward.
2.
Schneider may or may not be related to Dr. Odine; they just have the same
accent. ^_^
3. Squall is POSSIBLY Laguna’s son.
4.
Kasa no Miko's kasa keeps teleporting her to the wrong places. Forgive her for
this unavoidable error. (KnM: Hey! We made a fanfic out of it!)