Tread Softly On My Dreams 4

Part 4

"So," said Millie, stopping by the bar a few days later, "how's Elle doing?"

"Fine. She's found a new game, though. It's called "Tell-Laguna-that -Raine-told-me-I-could" and she thinks it's enormous fun." Raine chuckled good-naturedly.

"And are you enjoying married life, Raine Loire?" her friend asked innocently, putting a slight stress on Raine's last name.

"Drop it, Millie." Raine said flatly, then regretted it. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bite your head off. It's just that I'm fed up with all the winks and nudges from everyone, you know? The whole damned village /knows/ that he has been living with us for weeks so why do they have this strange compulsion to throw snide remarks into every conversation? I wish they'd just leave us alone."

"Raine, you've said it yourself, before." Millie told her soberly. "Their opinions don't matter to you. Why let their comments bother you? But... from a friend... are you happy?"

"Oh yes. You simply have no idea." Raine sighed.

"I think I do. Looking at your face, your expression, perhaps I do, and I'm glad for you."

Millie stayed a while longer, and then made her excuses and left. The next day, Raine found that the knowing comments had stopped, at least while she was around, and though Millie never told her, she was sure her friend had something to do with it and she thanked her silently.

***************

On the hillside, Raine started to fight her way out of her memories. /Ah, no. Please no. Not this one./ But in her desperation to hear and see them once more, she had opened herself to all her memories, even this one and it was too late to push it back.

***************

Months passed by like days and, before long, the leaves fell from the trees and Winhill was left empty and desolate without its flowers.

Raine sat on the edge of the bed, brushing her brown hair and contemplating the day ahead, when she felt a queasy feeling rise up to her throat.

/It's OK./ She told herself, swallowing violently. /I'm never sick./

But soon she found herself hanging over the sink, feeling wretched. She rinsed her mouth round with a glass of water, bemused.

/What's the matter with me? I'm /never/ sick. I'll wait until Laguna and Kiros get back then I'll -/

Her train of thought was abruptly severed by a shriek from outside. She froze for a moment and then turned and nearly fell down the stairs in her haste.

"Ellone!" she yelled as she ran. "Where are you?" /Please, please, please say you're here, inside, where it's safe. Please tell me that wasn't you screaming outside./

She hit the floor at the bottom of the steps and after the quickest of glances around the bar, saw that the room was empty, as she feared it would be. Moving swiftly to the door, she tried to open it, only to find that it was stuck.

Raine peered desperately through the tiny window in the top of the door and what she saw numbed her soul. The blue and silver uniforms of the Esthar soldiers blurred as tears filled her eyes and she pushed frantically at the door again, screaming for Laguna.

/Dammit! He's on patrol with Kiros. He can't hear me!/

She saw that the soldiers had pushed something in front of her door, which was why it wouldn't open, and gave up trying to shift it. They had picked up Ellone and Raine saw the tears trace clean paths down her grubby little face.

She watched helplessly as the tiny girl struggled but she was like a feather in the arms of the soldier who carried her.

/No! You can't let this happen, Raine! You can't let them take her away!/ She hastily wiped the tears away and as Ellone was carried from her view, her eyes fell on the beautiful stained glass windows at the side of the bar. They were easily big enough for her to climb through. Her hands reached blindly for something heavy and threw the first object they touched at the window. The colours scattered and cold, white daylight fell on Raine's face as she scrambled outside, the glass edges catching on her clothes and scraping her bare feet.

Raine fell to the ground in a heap and looked around the square for the soldiers. Not a hint of silver, but as she took a few steps forward she saw Laguna and Kiros racing across the bridge towards her. Relief touched her momentarily, she wasn't alone in this situation anymore, and she turned to see what they had fixed their eyes on.

The Esthar soldiers were on the dirt track out of Winhill and the moment she saw them, Raine started to run. She ignored the sharp stones under her feet, single-mindedly pursuing that one goal. Her mind was so fixed on Ellone that she even ignored Laguna and Kiros when they caught up with her, until Kiros pulled both her and Laguna to a halt.

"No." he told them calmly, still holding their arms. "This isn't going to work. There are more than twenty of them and all it takes is for one of them to turn round and see us. Then they'll shoot. That won't help Elle." He released Raine's arm and she collapsed on her knees in the dust, remotely conscious of Kiros trying to talk Laguna out of this idea.

/I never expected this. Never. I didn't think they'd creep in so quietly, with so little bloodshed, with none of the noise that I heard before. I thought I'd get a chance to fight for Elle, at least. I never thought it'd happen like this./

She heard her own voice, from the vaults of her mind, talking to Elle long ago. "I'm here and I won't let anything hurt you again. I promise."

/You promised her. You can't let her down! You can't let her go like this!/

Determination filled her tear-stained eyes and she got to her feet and ran once more but this time she managed only a few metres before another hand caught her arm. It was Laguna this time.

"Kiros is right, Raine. Running after them is only going to get you killed." He shook his head, hating the helplessness of the situation.

"Let me!" she hissed back angrily. "They took her! I have /got/ to do something, I promised her that I would!"

Laguna stepped back slightly, startled at the tone of her voice, but he didn't let go of her arm.

"Let me go! We have to get her back! Ohh, damn you, why won't you let me go?" Her anger dissolved into tears and she fell against Laguna, crying for the child that had been taken from her. The girl that wasn't even her own, but she had loved like a daughter. When the tears eventually subsided, she spoke again.

"You said you wouldn't let them take her away. You told me you wouldn't let this happen."

The road was silent around her and she felt tears roll down her hair, but still she didn't move or add anything to her accusation.

"I know." He said at last. "Do you think I don't feel terrible about it, too? I should've been there. There should've been something I could do but... we'll get her back." The pain in his voice was more than Raine could bear and she knew he wasn't at fault.

"I didn't mean what I said." She told him, quietly. "It's not your fault. I just want to blame someone. Anyone. I'm so lost..."

"We will get Elle back." Kiros said from where he stood, far enough away to allow them their grief, but close enough to stop either of them from doing something stupid. "We'll go and get Ward, and then the three of us will -"

"Four." Raine muttered into Laguna's shirt.

"What?" Laguna asked, backing slightly away so he could hear her properly.

"I'm going with you." Raine told him flatly.

"You can't mean it, Raine. This is /not/ a good idea. You can't fight and you'd slow us down. You'd be a liability and that could put us all in danger." Kiros said to her, matter-of-factly.

"I'm going with you." She repeated, looking imploringly up at Laguna. "Teach me to fight or to stay out of the way. I don't care which, but I'll not sit here doing nothing. You stopped me from trying to help her today, don't do it again."

Laguna nodded slowly and looked across to Kiros. "She's going with us."

"You can't possibly -"

"Our family has been split up enough already." He said simply. "If she's willing to come with us, well, what harm can it do?"

Kiros shook his head. "OK, but think about it, Raine. We've got a couple of days until Ward will show up, so use the time to think about this, and I pray you'll change your mind."

***************

Neither Laguna nor Raine slept that night. Raine's mind was flooded with what if's and if only's. She remembered every time she had scolded Elle and remembered every time Elle had laughed. Comments the girl had made that Raine had never dwelt on before now stuck in her mind. All she could think of was Ellone, and after watching Laguna's pensive face for a while, she knew he was thinking the same.

The light of the sun gradually flooded in the window and Laguna gave her a wan smile.

"Hey, we're going to get her back."

"I know. I -" she broke off, that sick feeling in her throat again. She remembered how sick she had been the day before and dashed to the sink.

/I hate being sick./ She thought as she held her hair back out of her face. /Why? I didn't get to think about it yesterday. Why do I feel like this? I don't feel like it all the time, though. That's the funny thing. I only feel like this in...the...morning...No, I can't be right. I have to go to the doctor. It's probably something else. I have to -/

"Are you alright? Raine?" Laguna called.

"Yeah. I... just have to go out somewhere." She yelled back, pulling on her shoes and walking back into the other room. "Could you look after El... sorry." She sighed.

He bowed his head and let his hair fall over his face. /I know that trick./ She thought.

"Like you say, we'll get her back." Raine said softly, kissing his cheek before she walked out the door.

/I can't be right. I can't be. Oh, why now? ...I wish I didn't know that I'm right./ She walked carefully across the bridge and down the track that led to the other part of town, her feet still sore from the day before.

The doctor agreed to see her immediately and she sat down, describing symptoms and answering questions as best as she could.

"Pregnant." He diagnosed, with distaste.

"I can't be..." she muttered to herself.

"Can't be?" he overheard, and laughed. "Of course you can. Everyone knows you were sleeping with /him/ weeks before you were married. Quite frankly, I'm surprised it's taken this long."

"I don't like your tone of voice. I don't like your attitude towards Laguna and you've made your feelings on this matter quite clear. But if I find that patient confidentiality has been breached, then I'll do everything I can to get you struck off the list of registered medics and don't think it'll end there." She threatened and walked out, refraining from slamming the door, but only just.

/What now? Do I tell him? When? We have to go to Esthar soon. No. /They/ have to go to Esthar soon. I can't go. Not now. If I was enough to burden them before, think what this'll do. A child! I never thought about it... We had Elle. Ellone! I'm so sorry! I can't do anything to help you. I wish I could. I have to stay here, without you, without Laguna./

Raine's feet carried her mechanically back to the bar. Kiros and Laguna were inside, talking.

"If we follow them, there's no advantage, but if we find our own route, it may be quicker. There are some routes that a large group like that simply cannot take. And, of course, they'll be moving slower than us."

"I... don't want to leave you here, by yourself, but Elle..."

"Go after her. Go and find her and bring her back. I can look after myself, I didn't always have you and Elle around. I can manage without you." /I can't do it./ Raine realised. /I can't bring myself to tell him. The worry in his voice and his eyes is painful enough. I can't put more there. He'd be so happy if he knew, I'm sure he would, but once he leaves he'll start to worry about me, about the baby. I can't do that to him. He's already so frightened for Elle I can't make him frightened for me, as well. It hurts. It all hurts so much. Lying to him like this and not telling him what he should know. What I want him to know. And staying behind, that hurts too./

She smiled to reassure him and once he'd left to talk with Kiros some more, she buried her face in her hands.

***************

Raine didn't sleep at all that night. She couldn't. Did Laguna? She wasn't sure. He had wrapped his arms around her so tight she couldn't move enough to see his face. She didn't want to move anyway. She lay with her cheek pressed against his chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his heart.

/Don't leave me./ She wanted to tell him. /Don't leave me. I'm so scared. So frightened to be on my own./ She held him a little tighter and pushed away the compulsion to tell him about the baby.

/You can't keep him here. You want Elle back, don't you? Think of her, all alone, crying. No one to look after her. You cannot keep him from rescuing her. How would you live with yourself? And how would he?/

/But I'm so frightened. What if something happens to him and I lose them both?/ She argued back at herself.

/You can't tell him, in spite of all that. You simply can't, Raine. Just hold it all in for a little while longer. Just a short while and then you can let it all go./

She watched the light in the room grow gradually brighter and she knew that despite all her prayers, the sun had risen.

***************

Raine sat upstairs, making up packs for the three men to take with them. She kept busy, trying not to think too much and being excessively practical as she loaded the packs with everything they could conceivably need. She folded the map and placed it in the pack furthest from Laguna, who sat beside her. Kiros had been emphatic not to let him anywhere near it.

She glanced over to the spidery man who was stood at the window, watching for Ward. What was this thing about Laguna and maps? Shaking her head, she turned back to where he sat.

All their conversation that morning had deliberately been very light and easy going. Neither had mentioned that he would be leaving today. They both knew and there would be enough tears later, no need for them yet.

"Do you carry a picture of me?" she asked suddenly, curious. "Like you did of Julia?"

He shook his head, a little surprised with the question, and a mildly disgruntled look appeared on Raine's features.

"Why not?"

"Raine, I don't /need/ a picture of you. Your image is engraved forever on my memory." He told her extravagantly. Kiros laughed from the window and Raine chuckled, her hand lightly brushing back Laguna's hair.

"Now that /is/ nice." She said approvingly. "Very nice, very poetic."

"You liked that one, huh?" he grinned.

"Oh yes. Remember it because I might want to hear you say it again."

"Ward's here." Kiros called softly and Raine stood up.

"Come and get me before you leave." She felt the words rush out of her mouth as she walked to the door. She couldn't stay here while they talked about what they should do and when they should leave. She couldn't bear it.

"Yeah, alright Raine." Laguna smiled gently.

She climbed the hill again. He'd know to find her up here, when the time came. She sat up there for an hour or so, her blue eyes staring vacantly into space, legs pulled up to her chest.

Her mind was blank, thinking of nothing until a familiar figure came into her view. Laguna sat next to her and put an arm round her curled up form.

"We're going now." He said quietly.

She nodded faintly in reply and buried her head in her arms.

"I wish... that I could go with you."

"You still could... You don't have to stay here. You wouldn't be a problem. Don't listen to Kiros, he's just worried in case you get hurt, but I wouldn't let that happen."

"No." she sighed. "Don't ask anymore. It's hard enough as it is, without you telling me this."

Laguna fell silent. After a moment, he spoke again. This time, the pain in his voice made her look up.

"I can't do it, Raine. I don't have the strength for this. I don't have enough heart to endure this. How do I manage without you there, without Elle?"

"It's only for a little while." She managed, knowing how lame she sounded. "Then we'll all be here again and everything will be fine. You have enough heart for all of us. You'll manage, just like I will." They both sighed this time, and she smiled, weakly. "I love you. Always. And you better come back here in one piece."

They walked to the edge of town, where Kiros and Ward stood, waiting. Raine hugged them both, making them promise to be careful.

"And take care of him for me. Don't let him do anything stupid."

"OK, Raine." Kiros smiled. "Don't worry, we won't let him fall down any more cliffs."

She thanked them and turned back to Laguna. Her soul weakened for an instant, and she started to spill what she had tried to keep from him.

"I don't know how to say this, but -"

"Hey, I know what you're gonna tell me. You'll say that I'm not to do anything dumb and that I shouldn't worry about you, right?" he interrupted, misinterpreting what she had said.

/No! It's not that!/ But those words never reached her mouth, her brain cutting in and making her simply nod in reply. /Don't you dare tell him. Not now. Let him think... let him think whatever is easiest for him. Let him go./

"You don't need to say any of that. I know you well enough by now that I can guess some of what you're thinking and you don't need to tell me that you'll miss me... I already know that."

/You don't. You have no idea.../ She flung her arms about his neck. "I wish I was going with you."

"Yeah, me too." She heard a tremor in his voice and stepped back a little.

"Oh no. Don't you dare start crying. Don't even think about it. If you cry, then I will too..."

He nodded and she kissed his mouth.

"Go on." She said softly. "Go now before the tears start. And don't worry about me. I'll be fine."

"I /knew/ you'd say that sooner or later." Laguna joked weakly as she shoved him gently in the direction of the road.

Ward and Kiros started walking and Laguna followed, then turned back to Raine.

"I love you." He yelled back at her. She smiled and nodded.

"Yeah, I know." She watched until they disappeared into nothing, then she ran for Millie's house, unable to bear it anymore.

"Millie! Let me in!" she shouted, thumping at the door, tears beginning to streak down her face.

"Raine, what's happened?" Millie asked, concerned about the state of her friend. She led Raine in the door and sat her at the table.

"I'm pregnant!" Raine half-screamed through her tears. "A baby, can you believe it?"

"That's good news though, isn't it? Laguna must be over the moon."

Raine shook her head miserably. "He doesn't know."

"When are you going to tell him then? They're leaving soon, aren't they?"

"They left today! Just now." She bit her lip, drawing blood. "How could I tell him, Millie? I couldn't give him that to worry about too." She burst into tears again, hating the lies and the reassurances she had given Laguna. /Too late now to make another decision. I just have to hope that I made the right choice./

Millie listened as Raine poured out all she had though over the last day or so, everything she had wanted desperately to spill to Laguna but hadn't let herself.

"What's done is done, Raine. You have to wait now. It's all you can do." She said at last, and comforted her friend until the tears stopped and Raine was still.

***************

Raine struggled to free herself from the dreams but there was still something more. Something unreal but tangible lurked behind a door in her mind and she knew the only way out was to open it.

She found herself stood in the doorway of a house. Ellone's old house, exactly the same as it had been the day she had run in and found Ellone's parents dead.

Two bodies, on the floor in a crumpled heap, just as it had been then, only something was wrong. Something was different. She crept closer and knelt in the blood beside them.

The bodies were wrong. One was far too small and the other... No.

/Turn them over. You have to see their faces. You have to make sure./ An insidious voice inside her head whispered.

Her hand reached out to touch black hair, and then stopped. /No, I won't. I won't look at their faces. If I look at their faces, I'll believe this is real and I know it's not. It's just a nightmare. If I turn them over I betray them and that I will not do. They are not dead. I /know/ that to be true, to be real./

She forced her eyes open, and sat up, scanning the scenery around her. She took a couple of deep breaths, managing to make herself breath normally, and put the image of the nightmare out of her mind.

/It's not real. It's a lie made up by an overactive imagination. Made up from all the gossip that's been flying round the village./ She persuaded herself.

A voice called to her from down the hill, and she struggled up and walked to its source. Millie had come to check up on her. That was OK. As long as it was her friend, she didn't mind.

"Raine! I was wondering where you'd got to. What have you been doing up here?"

"Take a guess." Raine told her, slightly bitter. "Trying to get away from people who just cannot leave me alone. I don't mean you, I mean the rest of them. I've been dreaming up here for a while now. Dreaming, remembering...and waiting..." Raine's voice trailed off and she looked longingly beyond her friend to the horizon.

"It's been a long time, Raine. I'm not so sure..." Millie hesitated, hating to voice such an opinion, knowing what Raine's response would be.

"What? Not so sure they'll return? Is that it?" She shook her head. "I know that's what they're saying down there. They're wrong. They've always been wrong about him. He'll be back one day. Just you wait and see. He'll bring Ellone back, and Kiros and Ward will be with them, and everything will be alright again."

Millie nodded, mainly to placate Raine, and inquired if she wanted to walk back yet.

"No. You go on. I'll be down in a minute." She watched her friend walk down to the village and turned her face up to the sky.

/Come back. I miss you./ She watched the sun dip below the curves of the hills, trying desperately to send her thoughts to Esthar, to Laguna. Trying to bring him and Elle back to her. /Come back and prove them wrong. Come back because I want you to see our child, when he is born. Because your stubborn wife needs you more than she ever admitted. Because I'm frightened and I have nightmares again and I know you can make them leave, like you did once before. Because my soul is not whole without you and Elle. Because I love you.../

Author's note - This story is what happens when a cynic like me allows her hideously
romantic soul out to play. Still, it was fun!

Just a short poem that I thought was kinda like what I was thinking
when this was written.

Last part of "La Figlia Che Piange." by T.S. Eliot

So I would have had him leave,
So I would have had her stand and grieve,
So he would have left
As the soul leaves the body torn and bruised,
As the mind deserts the body it has used.
I should find
Some way incomparably light and deft,
Some way we both should understand,
Simple and faithless as a smile and shake of the hand.

She turned away, but with the autumn weather
Compelled my imagination many days,
Many days and many hours:
Her hair over her arms and her arms full of flowers.
And I wonder how they should have been together!
I should have lost a gesture and a pose.
Sometimes these cogitations still amaze
The troubled midnight and the noon's repose.