FI's Birthday Fic

One fine morning, in the Winner mansion, the GW boys were lounging around in the living room. Duo and Heero were trying to annihilate each other via Playstation, Trowa was staring into nothingness by the window, and Wufei was reading the newspaper, er…rather, screaming about all the injustices committed against innocent people in the newspaper.

“Shimata! Schoolchildren have classes today?! But it is Nataku’s birthday! Must they toil in school right now?! Injustice!”

“Knock it off, Wu-man,” Duo remarked, his eyes still fixated on the TV screen. “They have to receive education. Ne?”

Quatre strolled into the room with a smile on his face, instantly brightening his surroundings. “Hey, guys,” he said in a kawaii voice. “We’re having some visitors today.”

“A bunch of guys are coming over this afternoon,” Quatre went on. “We’re going to write a birthday fic with them.”

There were varied reactions among the GW boys. Duo clapped his hands in excitement and started bubbling about how fun it is going to be. Wufei jumped up and protested vehemently about the unfairness of the whole thing, a string of curses coming out of his mouth. Trowa simply resumed staring out of the window peacefully, as if in a state of suspended animation. And if one listened carefully, Heero could be heard muttering “omae o korosu”.

The first person to arrive was a hyperactive spiky blonde with a fascinating tattoo on his face. Duo immediately took a liking to this young fella, whose name was Zell, and so proceeded to show the visitor around the place.

The mansion rumbled as a Gundam launched into the air, and afterwards, a silence fell upon the house, until the inhabitants heard a loud thud in the living room.

The next visitor was a peculiar one, for he had climbed down the chimney to get into the house. Santa Claus? Nope. When asked what his name was, he suddenly clutched his head, and cried, “Nooo…Jenova! What number am I?!”

Instantly straightening up, the outsider replied in a serious tone, “Yes. I am.”

The next people arrived…er, rather, popped out of nowhere with a poof of smoke…as a pair. They looked rather normal enough, despite their uncanny entrance, Heero surmised, scrutinizing the fiery-headed fanged bandit with a metal fan and his companion, a cheerful blue-haired monk carrying a kasa and a golden staff.

“Um…Heero? Would you care to show them around while we wait for the others?” Quatre said cheerily, despite the acidic glares Heero threw in his direction.

The next visitors arrived with more finesse…by landing a large twin turbo-engine hi-tech scarlet jet in the Winner backyard.

“Hey, everyone!” Quatre called to the others. “The President of Esthar has arrived!”

Yes, indeed. The President disembarked from the aircraft…dressed in a bright blue butterfly shirt and grassy green pants. He began er…flailing his arms at the sight of the mansion.

“Oh man! This is so cool! I’ve never been in a huge house before! I’m just so excited!” the President remarked excitedly.

A young scarred man with steely gray eyes descended the steps after him. “Laguna, you live in Esthar. Everything there is supposed to be big.”

“But, Seifer, you don’t understand! I meant a HUGE house. Not some building or skyscraper.”

A shadowy figure appeared beside them. “This place reminds me so much of the Shinra mansion…” a thoughtful voice remarked. “I certainly hope that no more nightmares shall come to me.”

“Damn $^&@ piece o’ junk! My Highwind’s $@#& better than this flyin’ tin can! Yo, Reno! Where the @#%$@ are ya?!”

Another figure strolled casually down the ramp, hand in pocket, a nightstick slung over his shoulder. He wore a distinct blue suit rather messily.

“He does injustice to such a nice piece of clothing,” Wufei muttered angrily under his breath, earning him an elbow jab from Quatre.

Soon, everyone was assembled in the Winner living room. Saitou, Sano and Soujirou eventually arrived in a horse-drawn carriage. Sephiroth emerged from the Lifestream, and Duo and Zell returned from their joyride.

Silence fell upon the room as everyone glanced as each other. At the moment, there was a gentle knocking at the door.

Wufei, who had opened the door, gawked at the two tuxedoed young men, one carrying a bouquet of lovely cattleyas, the other a box of German chocolates. “What the-?! Shimata! What the hell are you dressed up for?!”

Youji looked perplexed. “Huh? I thought a girl was celebrating her birthday.”

Duo dashed over to alleviate his friend. “Wu-man, calm down. You are really tense today, ya know?”

As soon as everyone had settled down, Quatre addressed everyone in the room. “As you all know, FalconIce’s birthday is coming up, and out of gratitude for her immense appreciation for us, I propose that we write a collaboration fic for her. What do you say?”

The next day, FalconIce woke up to find a large stack of manuscripts at her doorstep. Thanking the kawaii FedEx guy, she strolled inside, settled down on a comfortable chair and began to read…

One beautiful morning, FalconIce woke up the melodious chorus of songbirds just outside her window. Stretching her arms upward, she yawned, then glanced about her luxuriously decorated pastel pink room. Her bedtime bear, Beddy Bear, had fallen off the bed, and so she proceeded to pick him up, also taking note of the soft cool pink carpet beneath her bare feet.

She strolled into her matching pastel pink bathroom and took a lovely, aromatic bath. After changing, she traipsed into the kitchen and began to prepare some Mickey Mouse-shaped pancakes for herself, all the while humming a bouncy tune…

…And suddenly, she #@!%^ realized that she didn’t have time for any of this pansy @$$ stuff, and so she rummaged into her #$%!# cupboard for some tea. But then she $#%# realized that she ran out of it, so she grabbed her huge @$$ spear and a box of smokes and walked out of the #$@$$% house, beating up the $#@^& mailman for experience and gil…

…FalconIce strolled down the streets towards the supermarket, intent on buying some tea. However, she passed by the beach on the way there, and was distracted by all the hot, exposed flesh out there. Then all of a sudden, she had this urge to go for a swim, and luckily, she had stuffed her two-piece swimsuit into her pockets when she left the house. So, she changed behind some conveniently placed bushes and jumped into the water.

All of a sudden, a pain shot through her leg. She struggled to keep her head above the water and soon found herself choking on its intense saltiness. Fortunately for her, a handsome hunk of a lifeguard with sleek Ray-bans named Youji spotted her from the distance and had immediately dove in to rescue her. Such a daring brave young man! All the girls swooned over him and begged to go out with him. Youji humbly declined…for the moment, ran his hands through his gorgeous chestnut brown hair, then proceeded to do CPR on the unconscious young girl…

…She revived, of course, and so she stood up, thanked the gracious lifeguard, then hid in some bushes to change into her former clothes. Afterwards, she jogged back out into the street towards the supermarket, but only after purchasing ten hotdogs from a nearby vendor.

She munched on them on the way to the supermarket, and soon arrived at her destination, feeling all pumped up and hyper. She even beat up a passing mailman just for kicks. As she entered the supermarket, her eyes roved around for a box of tea…

…Strolling up and down the aisles of the large store, she suddenly realized that she was lost. Where was she? Who was she? What was her destiny? What was her number? She dropped down to her knees and placed her head in her hands, wondering about how she came to be. And why was she named FalconIce, anyway? She wasn’t a falcon; she wasn’t made of ice, either. So…why FalconIce?

And as she roamed the aisles pondering on this, she bumped into a supermarket refrigerator. Peering into the door, she screamed and ran around in circles when she saw a hideous green figure inside…

…And of course, one of the store clerks heard her, and immediately rushed over to her. He was an extremely good-looking guy, with beautiful flaming red hair and deep alluring eyes. On his clean white uniform, a pin was attached neatly to it. “Schuldich”, it said. He darted to FalconIce’s side, and asked in a husky voice, “Is there a problem, Miss?”

“Hm?” Schuldich asked, yanking open the ref and finding pistachio green ice cream pints inside. “What’s wrong?”

FalconIce said nothing, confused and embarrassed. She watched as Schuldich disappeared into the next aisle, hair cascading luxuriously down his shoulders. That was some bishonen. And his hair is prettier than Youji’s, she thought admiringly…

…FalconIce roamed around aimlessly for several minutes, and eventually plopped down a corner to take a nap. When she woke up, she realized that the store was closed for lunchtime. Taking advantage of the situation, she grabbed some beer from the fridge, chugged it down like water, consumed a six-pack, smoked, ate, drank and was merry.

Sooner or later, a dorky guy wandered into her corner and was horrified at her actions. FalconIce coolly and calmly whipped out an electric nightstick and threatened the guy to give her a ride home or else…And the guy, being the terrified civilian that he was, consented and led her to a sleek black Lambourghini Diablo in the parking lot.

Grinning wickedly, FalconIce brought the nightstick down on the back of the nameless guy’s neck, rendering him unconscious. Grabbing the keys, she leaped into the driver’s seat and sped away. Never thought civilians were good for anything…

…And so FalconIce cruised down the street in “her” luxurious sportscar. As she drove, her mind wandered back to the time she first drove a car. Hm…how long ago was that? Wait a second…she just remembered! She had never driven a car before. How come she instantly knew how to drive? Perhaps she was just one of those people who had uncanny psychic powers. Yeah, that’s cool…she had psychic powers. She knew something she had never encountered before. She recalled reading a book about that…like, you know, psychically gifted people. The book said that these special people often discovered their powers after some traumatic experience. Then, when did she have that traumatic experience? When she got drunk? When she crashed into ref? When she almost drowned at the beach? Wait a second. There was that time when her mother dropped her when she was still a baby. Her mother had told her that before. Which reminds her…she must bake some cookies for her mother this weekend. Choco chip or cinnamon? Both were her mother’s favorites. It reminded FalconIce about something very important…

…This sudden revelation caused her to swerve into a nearby telephone pole, thereby knocking it down and disabling several communication lines. FalconIce miraculously survived, and so she struggled to exit the car. As she crawled onto the sidewalk, she broke down and sobbed. What had she done? She had just destroyed someone else’s private property. And without his permission, nonetheless. Not to mention, she had physically assaulted him and partook of some food at the supermarket. Alas! She had committed several sins in one day. What will the Planet think of her now? A marauding glutton who has no respect for others? No…worse, she shall be condemned to bearing the burden of her sins for the rest of her life. More nightmares shall come to her now…

…And it is only justifiable that she feel rueful of these acts for a long period of time.

From the corner of her eye, she spotted some movement inside a convenience store. A trio of thieves robbing a poor innocent store owner? She could not stand the injustice committed here. She had to stop it.

With a war cry of “Nataku!”, FalconIce leaped into the store and tackled the thief nearest to her. They wrestled on the ground for a while, but the thief, who was bigger and stronger than she was, pinned her onto the ground. The other two thieves trained their guns on her. Shimata! There was but one thing left to do…

The hooligans were utterly perplexed. Why was she smiling? Surely there was something wrong with her. And what’s that? She was smiling some more.

The thieves exchanged glances. Her assaulter jumped to his feet, fearing she was insane.

FalconIce casually stood up. “I’m happy, because something I’ve always believed is really true.”

She grinned…shrewdly. “And that is…the strong shall live and the weak shall die.”

And in a flash, she darted around the thieves, appearing behind them and grabbing the nearest weapon she could find…

…a pair of sausage nunchakus! And with it, she started whacking the criminals silly. THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! Until they couldn’t take it any longer. But she wasn’t satisfied. Oh no…not yet. She grabbed a jar of mini candy balls and spilled its contents onto the floor, causing the thieves to slide on them. And when they were on the ground, she jumped onto their stomachs, laughing gleefully with each bounce. No problem, she wasn’t that heavy anyway. And afterwards, she grabbed some eggs and hurtled them at the criminals. Then, she opened a jug of cooking oil and spread it all over her three victims. And for the coup de grace, a sack of flour. Now, there’s some cleaning up for the police to do.

As FalconIce turned to the door, the innocent store owner asked meekly, “Um…you’ll have to pay for all that…”…

…What the hell? FalconIce took out her tassen and Rekka Shinened the poor guy. Her? Pay? Since when?

However, the egg-cooking oil-flour-covered thieves caught fire, and they all writhed helplessly around trying to douse the flames. FalconIce tiptoed inconspicuously around the corner, but after pocketing some peaches from the store. Mwahahahaha! No one messed with her and was left unscathed!…

…All of a sudden, she realized she had to do something important…she forgot to conquer the world!

FalconIce sought out a helpless Cetra flower girl and ran her through with a masamune. Standing over her dead body, FalconIce grabbed the Black Materia from her hair (hey! It wasn’t Aeris, it was someone else) and cackling gleefully, she summoned forth a large Meteor to crash upon the Planet. Now the world shall tremble at her feet…

…However, a kid on a skateboard knocked the materia out of her hands, causing the spell to be broken. Furious, FalconIce dashed after the pathetic mortal and ran him through with her sword. That should teach him a thing or two about skateboarding near gloating would-be megalomaniacs.

As she backtracked towards the spot where she was standing, she spotted the Black Materia rolling towards the gutter. Too late, it fell before she could retrieve it. K’so, Black Materia didn’t come cheap these days. Oh well, there was always her ahou, er…her home to return to. If she’s lucky, she might have a good time, er…show on TV tonight. With that, she skipped, er…strode towards home…

…But then, she spotted an old woman crossing the street up ahead no da. Feeling quite helpful no da, she rushed over to help her no da.

Suddenly, a big huge truck sped towards them no da, and it almost ran over them, if it weren’t for FalconIce-chan’s quick reflexes no da. And so, out of immense gratitude no da, the old lady gave her a huge wad of bills no da, for saving her life.

And so, FalconIce-chan pocketed the money no da, not knowing what to do with it. Maybe she would buy some food later no da, or…

Returning home from the casino later that afternoon, FalconIce swung her winnings around, feeling rather happy. What luck! She won much more than she lost today. Something must be very special about today.

She soon arrived at her doorstep, and cheerily pushed open the door. She was greeted by a peculiar scene…a bunch of balloons here and there, a large banner saying “Happy Birthday!”, some streamers, a cold banquet. a stale birthday cake, and a group of irritated, annoyed friends.

“What the-?!” Kasa no Miko exclaimed. “FalconIce! What took you so long to get here?”

“We were waiting for you the whole day! Where have you been?!” LavenderRose demanded, waving a hand angrily.

“You know, we’ve prepared a surprise birthday party for you!” SilverSky cried in exasperation. “But you never came home! Until now!”

“Yeah! And the food’s been cold for hours, the cake’s already soggy, and we don’t feel like surprising you anymore!” PirateBurn added angrily.

FalconIce blinked. She opened her mouth and said the first thing that came into her mind…

Author’s notes: Whaddaya think? That was one long birthday fic. I was trying to keep from being OOC, so if I did, please tell me. ^_^

1. Kasa no Miko, LavenderRose, SilverSky and PirateBurn are REALLY friends of FalconIce.

2. Youji and Schuldich are portrayed as really vain here, because they’re having a competition on who is the best bishonen on Weiss Kreuz.