WARNING: Beware of extreme OOC and exaggerated personalities. ^_^
Narrator:
The Schwartz did their usual stuff that day: kidnap people, annoy Aya
(who has this obsession with killing Taketori’s), slice people, dice people,
torture them with premonitions saying that they’re going to die soon, levitate
people for fun (pretending they were make-believe dolls, (for Schuldich only)
gloating that he is more handsome than everyone because of his beautiful flaming
red hair, which escalated into a full-blown deathmatch because Youji thought his
gorgeous chestnut brown hair was prettier than Schuldich’s beautiful flaming
red hair, which led to the destruction of their car because Youji thought the
Schwartz’s car was too cheap and ugly to be on the streets. And so, now,
they’re stranded on the other side of the metropolis in front of a junky,
rundown auto repair shop, which
they doubted could fix their junky, rundown car, which they doubted could even
be fixed by the junky, rundown, emaciated, freakily thin, decrepit, auto repair
shop owner. Huff…puff…Whew! That was a long paragraph. But anyway…
**********
Schuldich:
This is really bad…for my beautiful flaming red hair. [runs hand
through aforementioned beautiful flaming red hair)
Schwartz:
[deadly glares] It’s your hair that caused this in the first place!
[everyone flails hands, except for Farfie, who was busy slashing himself,
cackling with glee, bandaging himself and repeating the cycle all over again,
which in turn, freaked out innocent, naïve passers-by who have nothing to do
with this fic whatsoever]
Nagi:
[tugs
Brad’s sleeve] Brad…my feet are killing me. They feel like Pb!
Schuldich:
Pb???
[scratches, er…pats beautiful flaming red hair]
Nagi:
[sniffles] Lead, you baka!
Farfie:
[turns
to them with a manic look in his eyes] Lead? [grabs Brad’s gun and riddles
himself with bullets] Mwahahahaha…[lies twitching on the floor, and is later
revived by the fanfic authors with a phoenix down because FanFic Rule #332
states that main characters die only in tragic, angst stories. And this is
not a tragic, angst story]
Brad:
[slaps his forehead as he retrieves his gun from the floor] Geez…bunch
of idiots.
Nagi:
[tugs some more, rips Brad’s
sleeve off] Oops, I mean…Brad…how are we going to get home? I don’t want
to miss my Saturday morning anime shows.
Brad:
[glares]
It’s still Friday night. We’re not gonna take that long to get home.
Schuldich:
[looks up from the text message he was sending to Youji declaring that
his beautiful flaming red hair was prettier than Youji’s gorgeous chestnut
brown hair] Um…Brad, reality check. It’s like, about a hundred miles from
where we’re based. For all we know, it might take us till tomorrow.
Schwartz:
[start to
bawl, except for Brad, who was glaring at Schuldich, Farfie, who was still
slashing at himself manically, and Schuldich, who was furious at the reply from
Youji declaring that his gorgeous chestnut brown hair was truly prettier than
Schuldich’s…ok, fine, rephrase that…Only Nagi started to bawl]
Brad:
I have a
premonition…
Schwartz:
[fall silent]
Brad:
We can
return to base most efficiently…if we take a taxi.
Schwartz:
*GASP!*
[except for Farfie, who wasn’t able to hear Brad, since he had sliced his own
ears off]
**********
Narrator:
To do what Brad suggested was a tragedy of epic
proportions. No villain EVER took a taxi. It was too undermining…and pathetic.
Schwartz:
[except for Farfie…agh! You know the reason] Hey! We’re not pathetic!
Narrator:
[sweatdrop] Whatever…
**********
Schwartz:
[having to choose between riding
and walking, decided to flag a taxi, by putting Farfie in the middle of the
road. Of course, any normal human being would have to stop at the
sight of the bloody half-decapitated Schwartz member]
Farfie:
[laughs manically] Ehehehe…
**********
Narrator:
Several
minutes later, an innocent taxi driver swerves to a stop near the Schwartz
members]
**********
Brad:
Take
us where we want to go. [aims pistol at driver’s head]
Driver:
[terrified and freaked out at the sight of Brad’s gun and Farfie
sitting on the passenger seat beside him] Y-y-y-y-yes, sir! [floors accelerator]
**********
Narrator:
On the road…
Driver:
[glances nervously at bloody Farfie, who was still slashing himself
manically, just to terrify the driver] Um…s-s-sir? Where are we going?
Brad:
To our top secret headquarters.
Driver:
W-where’s th-that?
Nagi:
It’s top secret, d’oh!
Schuldich:
Yeah, and if we tell you, we’d
have to kill you.
Farfie:
[manic
look in his eyes, licks blade] Ehehe…yeah…
Schuldich:
But you’re taking us there, anyway. So we’ll still
have to kill you.
Driver:
[big huge nervous sweatdrop] I ain’t drivin’ you freaks anywhere!
[leaps out of taxi]
Nagi:
[gains control of wheel psychically to avoid crashing] Someone help!
Farfie:
[jumps into
driver’s seat] Ehehehe…now I get to drive! Hee hee!
Schwartz:
[sweatdrop nervously]
Schuldich:
Brad, I don’t think this is such a good iDEEEEAAA-! [slams into seat as
Farfie floors accelerator suddenly]
Nagi:
[clings
to door handle] Farfieeee!!! Slow doooown…
Farfie:
Ehehehe…[starts to drive with
one hand]
Schwartz:
NOOOOOO…!!!
Brad:
[struggles to buckle seatbelt] Farfie! I demand that you cease this
public display of recklessness at once!
Farfie:
[mischievous
glint in his eye] Mwahahaha…[speeds up to 170 mph]
Brad:
[drowns in
upholstery due to G-effect] Mmmphhh!!! Mmmbbph!
Schuldich:
My hair!
It’s gonna be stiff and dry! All my conditioner wasted!
Nagi:
[starts
bawling] Waaahh!!! I wanna go home and watch Saturday morning anime!
Farfie:
Mwahahaha!
[180…190…200 mph! With only his feet!]
Schwartz:
WAAAAAAHHH!!!
[except for Brad, who is going “MMMBBBFFFHH!”]
Farfie:
Bwahahahaha!
[starts driving with his TEETH!]
Schwartz:
FAAARFIEEEEEE!!!
**********
Narrator:
Meanwhile, at the Weiss Kreuz Headquarters…
[A
dark shadowy form appears on the screen]
Knights:
[except for Aya] Oh,
it’s Mr. Dark Shadowy Form.
Dark
Shadowy Form: You idiots! My code name is Persian!
Knights:
[snicker snicker]
Persian:
[sigh] Anyway, I have a mission for
you. You are to stop a psychotic, out-of-control taxi from crashing into any
innocent civilian.
Youji:
I wonder
who’s inside the taxi…[runs hand through gorgeous chestnut brown hair] Hope
it’s a beautiful damsel in distress…
Aya:
[narrows
eyes] Taketori…
Omi:
Poor people! They
might get hurt!
Ken:
I
hope they like soccer…
Youji:
Whoever they
are…I’m sure they’ll like my dazzling good looks and gorgeous chestnut
brown hair.
Knights:
[sweatdrop]
**********
Narrator:
Following the instructions of Persian, the Knights arrived at the street
where the insane taxi was predicted to pass by.
Youji:
[parks
at the sidewalk, rolls down window] Oh well…we’ll just have to wait until-
[Aforementioned
taxi zooms by at a speed of nearly 250 mph, causing Youji’s hair to fly into
his face]
Youji:
[frantically fixes hair] What the hell?!
Ken:
Man,
that was fast!
Omi:
Quick! After that
taxi!
Aya:
[narrows
eyes] Taketori…
**********
Narrator:
The Weiss Knights struggled to catch up with the daredevil taxi.
Youji:
Was that
flaming red hair I saw? It must be…Nah! [speeds up]
Omi:
Hey! I’ll take a picture of the taxi. [rolls down his left window and
focuses the camera] *SPLAT*
Youji:
What? Did a bird poop on my newly cleaned and polished beautiful sleek
black Lamborghini Diablo?
Omi:
[turns
camera around] Eww…blood! Aya-kun! There’s blood on my camera.
Aya:
[narrows eyes]
Taketori…
Ken:
[gazes outside the window] I hope we finish this mission soon. They’re
featuring this awesome Brazilian soccer game later.
Omi:
Ken!
Aren’t you worried that people are hurt inside that taxi?! They’ve spilt
blood on my camera!
Youji:
Omi! Close
that blasted window! You’re letting poisonous noxious fumes inside the car
which could be hazardous to the health of my hair. And besides, I wouldn’t
want the insides of my car to be as dirty, rotten and junky as the Schwartz’s
car.
Omi:
[closes window]
Aya:
Hurry up, Kudou! We can’t afford to fail this mission.
Knights:
[all look at
him with jaws dropped, utterly shocked]
Aya:
[glances
around] I mean…Taketori…
Omi:
[catches
sight of approaching unfinished flyover] Youji! Look out!
Youji:
[jerks
steering wheel to the side] AAAAGGHH!
**********
Narrator:
The car zooms up the
ramp and flies off the end, and-
FalconIce:
[does a little jig]
Aya’s gonna narrow his eyes and say “Taketori” even when he’s gonna
die~!
Kasa
no Miko:
[mimics Brad] I have a premonition…The car is going to flip over
and…and…and…the Knights will be flung out the windows, and they will land
on the Schwartz’s taxi, and…they will coincidentally grab each other’s
legs so they can’t be separated. Yes! Yes! I can feel it now! [emotes wildly]
Narrator
& FI:
[sweatdrop]
FalconIce:
She’s
under too much stress from trying to finish her website.
Kasa
no Miko:
Fools! Do you dare doubt me?! ‘Tis true!
Narrator:
[sweatdrops, glances down at script] Waitaminute! All she said DID
happen.
Kasa
no Miko: See? Now do you believe me? I have great
predicting powers, rivaling those of Brad Crawford’s. [sticks tongue out]
FalconIce:
Um…I think she knows what happens next because she’s one of the
authors…
Narrator:
Anyway…
**********
Youji:
[grabs the
bump-on-the-roof-that-says-TAXI]
Aya:
[narrows eyes] Taketori… [makes a graceful leap in the air and grabs
both of Youji’s ankles]
Omi:
[latches
onto one of Aya’s legs in a deathgrip, cutting off his circulation] WAIIII!!!
Ken:
[imitates
a soccer goalie leaping out to block a soccerball, manages to grab Aya’s other
leg] Yeah!
Knights:
[let out cries of exclamation as the taxi swerves]
Omi:
Youji!
Stop the driiiiiiver!!!
Narrator:
With one hand gripping the bump-on-the-roof-that-says-TAXI, Youji takes
off his shades and tries to reflect it off the driver’s seat.
Youji:
[gasps, turns white
as a sheet, replaces shades on his face]
Omi:
Youji!
Who is it?!
Youji:
It’s…It’s…
Aya:
[narrows
eyes] Taketori…
Youji:
Worse!
It’s Farfie! From Schwartz! And he’s not even touching the steering wheel!
Knights:
[except for Aya]
WAAAAAHHHH! [as taxi swerves left and right, the Knights form a billowing line
on the roof]
Ken:
[mind wanders off to the intriguing soccer game he saw earlier that
evening] Hmm…that game-winning kick earlier was really cool. But how did it go
again? I can’t remember…Oh! It went like this! [subconsciously executes the
kick, ripping off half of Aya’s pants, causing Ken to be thrown off to the
sidewalk] *TUGUDUG TUGUDUG TUGUDUG* [rolls to a stop]
Omi:
KENNNN!!!
[glances at Aya] Aya, I didn’t know you wore cat boxers! [giggles]
Aya:
[glare]
**********
Narrator:
Back to our victims, er…villains, inside
the taxi…
Nagi:
[Clinging on for his dear life] Farfieeeee!!! Stop this at once!
[levitates a car freshener to hit Farfie]
Farfie:
[laughs manically since he can’t feel pain; continues slashing himself,
which meant no one was holding the steering wheel] Ehehehe…
Schwartz:
[hears thump on the roof caused by one of Youji’s knees during one hard
swerve] Huh?
Farfie:
Ehehehe…[licks
blade] Intruder, eh? Can’t wait to slice them up, ehehehe…[slashes through
roof, exposing a blinking Youji]
Youji:
[sweatdrops]
Uh…hi?
Schuldich:
Hey! It’s…YOU!
How dare you! My beautiful flaming red hair is way, way more prettier than
yours!
Youji:
Hmph!
[runs hand through gorgeous chestnut brown hair] You’re just jealous of how
the wind gently caresses my gorgeous chestnut brown hair…unlike yours
[snickers] which is all matted and dry…
Schuldich:
[bristles,
making his already standing hair stand up even more] Oh yeah? I’ll show you!
[grabs roof and hauls himself to the top] Ahh! The wind in my beautiful flaming
red hair- AGH! My eye! Got something in my eye!
Youji:
[taking
this moment of distraction as an opportunity to shove Schuldich out of the way
and haul himself inside the taxi]
Aya:
[suddenly
latches onto Schuldich, narrows eyes] Taketori…
Schuldich:
[raises
eyebrow] Froinlaven! Aya! You should get your eyes checked…or what’s left of
it [noticing Aya’s super-narrowed eyes]
Aya:
[closes
eyes, since he can’t narrow them any further] Taketori…
Schuldich:
I am Schuldich! Sch-ul-dich! As in capital S-c-h…uh…ARGH! Nevermind!
Aya:
Taketori…
**********
Narrator:
Meanwhile…
Ken:
[stands
up and dusts himself off] Man, how stupid of me! [glances at Aya’s
half-trousers in his hand] Whoops! Must apologize to Aya for this. [gazes at the
direction where the taxi went] It’s up to me now to save the others!
Narrator:
Ken makes a
huge running leap onto the street and sprints after the taxi, determination
beating in his heart. The buildings were a blur past him as he rushed after the
Knights.
[The camera zooms out and shows Ken running atop a treadmill on the back
of a pickup truck…
**********
Narrator:
Inside the taxi…
Youji:
[glances
up to see Schuldich on the roof of the taxi] Mwahahaha! I have the prettiest
hair in the world! [pries Schuldich’s finger’s off the roof and shoves him
off.
Schuldich:
AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!
*TUGUDUG TUGUDUG TUGUDUG*
Youji:
[snickers
gleefully and plops down on the seat below him, and suddenly, realization dawns
on him] Whoops! I forgot…Omi and Aya! [sweatdrops, then settles down onto the
car seat] Man, this seat is lumpy! [elbows and punches the chair to make it
soft]
???:
Mmmmbbfff!
Youji:
Huh???
Nagi:
[beside
him] Get away from Brad! [angrily levitates Youji towards the windshield]
Youji:
[crashes
against the glass] Itai…[slides down]
Farfie:
[gazes
manically at Youji] Ehehehe…Weiss Knight…ehehehe…[licks blade] Slicy-slicy
time! [swings knife toward Youji]
Narrator:
Regaining his wits, Youji uses his quick reflexes to leap away from
Farfie’s knife. However…
[Camera zooms in on one of the Youji’s bangs while in slow motion,
where the blade cleanly slices off an inch of Youji’s gorgeous chestnut brown
hair]
Youji:
[gasps
loudly as hair strands spiral downward his face, turns to Farfie, glaring
furiously] How…DARE…YOU!!!
Narrator:
Youji
tackles Farfie with an enraged battle cry and proceeds to strangle the living
hell out of the Schwartz member, unknowingly causing Farfie’s foot to step
harder on the accelerator pedal.
Youji:
[shakes Farfie while still
strangling him] Did you know how much time I spent to maintain the perfection
and silkiness of my gorgeous chestnut brown hair! Did you know how long it took
to grow that inch of hair?! Two annoying, frustrating, agonizing, torturous
WEEKS! Did you hear that?! WEEKS! Now I have to subject my gorgeous chestnut
brown hair to a TRIM! A TRIM! Because I need to balance the…CHI…Huh???
Where’d that come from?
Farfie:
[X-eyed]
**********
FalconIce:
Sorry! Some weird-headed
blue-eyed blonde bishonen inserted that phrase into your cue cards!
Nakago:
Mwahahaha! First, fanfics.
Next, the WORLD!!! [runs away]
Kasa
no Miko:
[chases after him] Hey, Nakkie-poo! Come back here, you gorgeous
beautiful bishonen! I’ll raise your chi for you!
FalconIce:
[sweatdrops, then rummages into her item inventory for a Phoenix Down]
Dang! Only two left! Hey Farfie! Try not to get killed before your cue next
time, ok?
Farfie:
…….[still
lies dead on the driver’s seat]
Narrator:
[sweatdrops]
Anyway…after Farfie was revived…
**********
Youji:
[clears throat, then rants on and on]
Brad:
Mmmmbbbfff!
Mmmbbfff!
Nagi:
Oh
Brad! Nataku! What injustice they did you!
**********
FalconIce:
??? Hey! That
wasn’t in the script!
Wufei:
[snickers]
FalconIce:
You?! [Wufei runs
away] Hey you! Come back here, Chang Wufei! I’m not through with you!
Narrator:
[relieved sigh] Finally…both of those annoying girls are done. Now, on
with the story…
**********
Nagi:
Oh Brad! [tugs
at Brad, trying to get him out of the seat] Hang on! [Nagi combines physical and
telekinetic powers to rescue Brad]
Brad:
Mmbf! Mmmmbbff!
*POP* [finally out] Huff…puff…
Nagi:
Are you okay,
Brad?
Brad:
[suddenly grabs Nagi’s shoulder, turns white as a sheet]
We’regonnacrashwe’regonnacrash!!!
Nagi:
??? [turns to
the front of the car] !!!
Everyone
in the taxi [except for Farfie]: NOOOOOOOOO!!!
**********
<DING
DONG DING DONG>
“COFFEE
BREAK!!!”
[The taxi instantly stops, everyone piles out and heads to the snack
room]
Quatre:
[walks in with a tea tray] Anyone for tea?
Cid:
I #@$%^& want
one!
Quatre:
You have a bad
mouth. [frowns]
Cid:
Just
give me the #@$%^ tea, you &^$#%@ FAG!
Quatre:
[eyes water] Fag?! TROWA!
[bawls]
Trowa:
[appears with a gun pointed at Cid] Omae o korosu…
Heero:
[walks
in] Trowa, that’s my line…[points gun at other GW boy] Omae o korosu…
Quatre:
[points kawaii gun at Heero]
Hey! Don’t threaten Trowa like that! Omae o korosu…
Duo:
[pops
in] Everyone’s saying omae o korosu! Me too! Omae o korosu!
Laguna:
[appears] Ooh! I like that phrase! What does it mean anyway? [jumps up
and down, bounces around] Omae o korosu~! Omae o korosu~!
Duo:
[sweatdrops] Um…that means “You will die”…
Laguna:
[stops]
Oh…^_^ But I like it anyway! Omae o korosu~! Omae o korosu~!
FalconIce:
[returns from
chasing Wufei] Hey! What’s going on here?
Kasa
no Miko:
[returns from raising Nakago’s chi ^_^ He he…just kidding!] Huh?
What’s everyone doing here?
FalconIce:
[gets a pair
of huge kick-ass boots, hands one to Kasa no Miko]
Both:
[start kicking out everyone who isn’t supposed to be in this fic]
Heero:
OMAE o
korosu….[flies far away]
Cid:
#@$!%^&*$%#@…
Trowa:
………………………….
Duo:
WHHheeeeeeeee….
Quatre:
AAAAaaaaggghhh…[everyone
goes: “Awww…”]
Laguna:
OOOH!
I’msurethisisgonnabesofun…
Everyone
else:
[resumes coffee break]
<DING
DONG DING DONG>
[Cast goes back to their places; Youji resumes strangling Farfie]
“ACTION!”
**********
Everyone
in taxi [except Farfie]: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
*HUGE
CRASH!!!*
*TUGUDUG
TUGUDUG TUGUDUG*
Ken:
[arrives, still running] Hey! There you are! [pickup doesn’t stop] Yo,
wait! Hey! I can’t stop running! Heeeelllppp…[fades away]
**********
Narrator:
[sweatdrops heavily] Anyway…the taxi had crashed into a one-story
building with a neon sign that said…”SCHWARTZ’S TOP SECRET HQ: Trespassers
will be premonitioned, mind-read, levitated and subject to extreme torture in
Farfello’s care.”
Youji:
[gets
up, fixes his hair, glances around] So THIS is the Schwartz HQ…
Nagi:
[levitates
Farfie and Brad out of the wreckage] Hey! You’re not supposed to know where it
is!
Aya,
Schuldich, Omi: [arrive running towards the wreckage]
Omi:
Youji-sama!
Are you alright?
Schuldich:
[stares at HQ] Damn! You wrecked
our base!
Aya:
[strides
over to a pair of legs sticking out from under some rubble, where a hand pokes
out, reaches, then falls limp] [narrows eyes] Taketori…
Schuldich:
Damn! He
hasn’t even paid us this month yet! Shoot!
Aya:
Taketori…next…Taketori…
Narrator:
Indeed…Taketori
was finally dead…
Aya: [narrows eyes some more] Taketori…
**********
FalconIce:
Yo, Kasa no
Miko! Bring in the other evil Taketoris, would ya?
Kasa no Miko: SURE! [throws a Taketori onto the scene] There you go, Aya!
**********
Aya:
[narrows eyes] Taketori…
Taketori:
MWAHAHAHA! I will rule TOKYO! MWAHAHAHA! [goes off]
Aya:
[follows away] Taketori…
Schuldich:
Where do we go now?
Our base is wrecked!
Nagi:
[sniffles]
Farfie:
Ehehehe…I
smell BLOOD!!! Ehehehe…
Nagi:
[starts
crying] No more Schwartz HQ!!!
Brad:
[pats Nagi on the back]
There there, we’ll build a new one…
Nagi:
But it won’t be the same. WAAAHHH!!! [bawls]
Youji:
Whatever…I’ll
just head back to the Weiss HQ and fix my hair. [starts to leave]
Omi:
But…um…Well, I guess we are done here…
Schuldich:
[a glint in his
eyes] Yo, Brad-sama! Why don’t we take over the Weiss HQ and make it the New
and Improved Schwartz HQ!!!
Brad:
Good
idea…
Youji
and Omi: Um…uh-oh…
Farfie:
[leers
at them] Ehehehehe…
**********
Narrator:
And so the evil laughter of the
Schwartz rang out in the air, causing the remaining Weiss Knights to shiver in
fear.
FalconIce and Kasa no Miko: THE END!!!