"Won't Cry These Tears"
Beatriz looked at her reflection in the mirror of the dingy diner’s bathroom. Her face is puffy and her eyes are blood-pink from the crying. Her cheeks are scuffed from Maggie’s assault, lips kissed with a bruise.
Her sandals deteriorated and fell apart, leaving her in bare feet and her dress is dirty and wet from the puddle she was knocked down into, knees scabbed.
Our heroine (is she our heroine?) looks like a woman that has been to hell, back, dragged through mud, then gravel, and left to wilt in the rain.
This Mardi Gras has NOT been good, and that certainly is an understatement.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
WHAT—THE FUCK—IS WRONG WITH ME?!
Why am I so stupid right now?
WHY?!
I hate this. He’s winning.
Is this making you happy? Are you smiling yet, babe? I hope you are, because it’s killing me and you know that I would bleed myself trying to please you, so if you like this, I like this.
This is what he wanted all along. He wants me to turn into some lovesick bitch, crying every night, wondering where he is, what he’s doing, if he’s ok, who’s the cunt he’s fucking.
NEVER AGAIN! NEVER AGAIN!
I’ve cried all the tears I’ll ever cry for you.
“I won’t cry those tears for you. Never again, never again.”
She repeats this mantra in her head, until it spills out of her mouth like a secret prayer, eyes closed.
She tries to stop them, but they come anyway and she brushes them angrily.
STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!
She runs some warm water and cups it in her hands rubs her face into it. That makes her feel better, like she can think now.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself. You really should. You’re just gonna let this asshole come into your life, fuck with you as he pleases, and then cry about it?
Her face feels like it’s crumpling again.
Stop it, just stop it! He doesn’t own you and you don’t own him. Let it go. Stop it with this shit!
All this moping, all this blubbering, quit it with this shit! You’re being pathetic! More pathetic than usual! Grow some balls and get over it for Christ’s sake and if not for Him, at least for your pride!
This isn’t the first time you’ve been fucked around.
“I know, but it hurts.”
Yeah, it hurts. It always hurts. But you have got to stop this.
“It just hurts so fuckin’ much.”
I know it does, but you don’t need him, remember? You don’t need his dick to have a happy life. You’ve got Maggie.
“She beat the shit outta me.”
Yeah, well, I would want to beat the shit outta you too for the shitty way you’ve been acting all night. What about Eddie?
“I don’t deserve Eddie.”
Sweetheart, Eddie’s a fucking drug dealer, if anything he doesn’t deserve YOU!
“But he’s a very sweet man, a really great guy.”
Look, the point is, he’s gone and good riddance. You don’t need him. You never needed him for anything besides a good lay.
“That’s not true. I love him.”
Yeah, ok, and look at you now. Bend over the sink of some rinky-dink diner crying your heart out while he’s probably out yukking it up somewhere with some blonde with shit for brains giggling on his arm.
He’s had his fun with you and you’ve have your fun with him and now it’s over.
Beatriz, baby doll—pumpkin-muffin—angel of my life, I beseech you, GET—THE FUCK—OVER IT!
Beatriz heaves a heavy sigh and washes her face again before drying it with a paper towel. She looks at her face again.
She won’t win any beauty contest not tonight anyway, but she looks and feels more refreshed.
Well…I think I’m over it. I hope I am. Can’t go on busting into tears all the time.
She leaves the bathroom and makes her way back to the red vinyl booth to find Magdalene sitting with one leg bent on the seat, smoking, looking out of the window absentmindedly. They didn’t come in together; maybe she likes this diner too.
She practically leaps across the table when she realizes Beatriz has sat, face fraught, full of eager apologies.
“Oh, Beatriz, Ah am so sorry, so, so, so sorry…”
“It’s ok.”
“Really Ah am…”
“It’s ok.”
Magdalene keeps fretting, but Beatriz just reaches across the table and takes her hand to hold and she calms down.
Yeah Maggie, I think we’re gonna be ok now…
