--- Anti-Microsoft ---

 

How many Microsoft programmers does it take to 
change a lightbulb?

None, they just designate Microsoft Darkness™ 
as the new industry standard!

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and 
sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was 
given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired 
several shots at the target. The report came from 
the target area that all attempts had completely 
missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle, 
and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, 
and then at the target again. He put his finger 
over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the 
trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger 
was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target 
area, 

"It's leaving here just fine, the trouble 
must be at your end!"

God was fed up. In a crash of thunder He yanked 
up to Heaven three influential men: Bill Clinton, 
Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates. "The human race is a 
complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each
have one week to prepare your followers for the 
End of the World." With another crash of thunder 
they found themselves back on Earth. 

Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news 
and bad news," he announced grimly. "The good 
news is that there is a God. The bad news is, 
He's really mad and plans to end the world in a 
week."

In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, 
"Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The 
bad news is that we were wrong; there is a God 
after all. The worse news is He's mad and is 
going to end the world in a week."

Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top 
engineers. "I have good news and better news. 
The good news is that God considers me one of the 
three most influential men on Earth," he beamed. 
"The better news is we don't have to fix WINDOWS 
ME."

Bill Gates - Heaven or hell?

Shortly after the release of Microsoft Windows ME, Bill Gates (multi-billionaire owner of Microsoft) was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. "Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows ME. I think I'm going to let you choose between Heaven and Hell." 

"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "May I have a look at hell first?" 

And so first Saint Peter took him to Hell. 

"This is hell? Wow, look at all those gorgeous women, the ones that laughed when I asked them out on dates in high school. And look at those mansions!" exclaimed Bill. 

"And see all those coders? They work 24 hours a day for free just because they really love you, Bill, and live only to please you." 

"Shazam, this is all virtual, isn't it, Saint Peter?" 

"Yep. With no bugs, Bill." 

"If this is hell, what can heaven be like?" 

(Saint Peter makes sweeping gesture) "Like this!" 

"People wearing robes and playing harps while they sit on clouds? What a boring cliché. I'll take Hell!" replies, Gates. 

And so two weeks later, St Peter paid a little visit.

"Hey what the hell's going on? It's nearly 200 degrees and the air is terrible. There's no food or drink. Goblins jab me in the ribs constantly. I'm crawling with vermin and weak with disease. They play the Beastie Boys at all hours, for all eternity. There are NO COMPUTERS! Where are the women, the program slaves, the virtual wonders? Where is the splendid hell you promised me?" cries Gates.

"Oh that, that was just a demo..."

Why can't Bill Gates get dates? 'Coz he's Microsoft!